Whats the right thing?

Do you ever have on going arguments in your head? That never get resolved and keep going on and on and on? I do, the one i have now is about my ex's daughters. When she broke up with me the youngest was in alaska and the oldest was living with us but was at a concert with her boyfriend. So i told my ex i needed to be left alone. Meaning dont let her call me and all that. I needed to heal and not be brought back to such stinging emotional times constantly. Now though i feel a lot better. Better than before we broke up. The question or worry i have is do i make contact with either of her daughters? They didnt break up with me. However so many questions flood into my head then. I mean i told the ex i needed to be alone but also they havent contacted me so maybe they are happy i am gone?(Im a depressed person who has many annoying traits) I can live with that i just feel guilty that they didnt have a chance to say bye to me if they wanted to. I dont know if i could have a relationship as im paranoid. Id worry they were telling their mom all the gossip about me. On the other hand thats kinda egotistical aint it? Why would she care? Shes moved on and is happy with some other guy. Maybe she would be mad at them for communicating with me then? Doubt it. So the main thing would be do they even care? I wasnt their father nor did i EVER act like one. On many levels that was a good thing. On others though, i think they probably resented me from taking up so much of their moms time. On the other hand isnt that more their moms fault than mine? I listened to them or at least tried. Its hard for me to listen to more than a couple hours about how timmy was mean and other drama. I did try though. Sometimes i get the urge to send an email yanno? But i think i would be hurt if they ignored it or worse if they called and wanted to do stuff all the time(i have social anxiety). It would be massively uncomfortable to have them visit me when i am living at my parents house. They probably dont even want to. But sheesh i feel like im being a jerk if i just vanish out of their lives yanno? So do i just stay with feeling guilty or do i make contact and lose all control of the situation? Im used to feeling guilty so thats why i havent acted yet if i want to or need to or should or shouldnt. I lived with the youngest from age 11-19 and the oldest off and on from 14-23. I care about them but im also afraid. Just curious what peoples opinions are. I think my biggest mistake was telling their mom, my ex, that i needed to be left alone. If i hadnt said that then no contact would be easy to read what that meant. Its been a little more than 3 months.

my stepfather was never really a father figure to me, but he was my friend. he called me when my mother left him and told me that he loved me and would always be there for me, but it was up to me if i wanted to continue the relationship. on of my 2 greatest regrets in life is that after a year or 2 i drifted away from him, and he died before i could find the time to get back to see him.

i would contact them and give them the chance to know that you still care. jmho

lost

If you feel comfortable to contact them then it's okay to let them know that it's okay for them to keep in touch.
They might be busy with other friends, but considering the length of time that you knew each other - maybe it would be helpful.

((( Defective )))

So many thoughts running around in your head right now. You will never know the answers until you make the effort to contact them. Since they are both adults, they can choose who they stay in contact with or not. It should have nothing to do with their mom in that respect.

I think, if I were in their shoes, I would like to hear from you via email or letter or even a phone call. You certainly don't have to (nor should you really) go into detail as to what happened between you and their mom. All you have to do is tell them how you feel about them and that if they would like to keep the lines of communication open, then you would like that too. Of course, any discussion with them about your breakup should be kept to a minimum so as not to disparage their mom or yourself for that matter.

At their age I'm sure they are busy with building their lives, going out with friends, working, school, you know the typical young persons' life. So it's possible they may not have a lot of contact with you (I could be wrong). It may feel uncomfy for them too. Bottom line is this, you don't know if you don't ask!! If you contact them and they write back, then great....if they don't write back, then you still know where you stand no?

Wishing you well!


sabby

There's really only one way to find the answers to these questions.

I think i will write them and see what happens. Thanks for the advice. Now though is the hard part, writing it! You're right sabby, i dont want to take cheap shots at their mom. Thats weak and ill have to check it very carefully to make sure i dont even take subtle jabs. This will probably take me a week and be written and rewritten about 48 times but at least then they will know and i will know.

(I posted as Defective but changed my name back to Shaymus since this)So last week i sent them an email and as of yesterday night they both responded positively Yay! Thats the best possible outcome although now im nervous cause they want to meet up. Definitely worth fighting through though to get to see them but still scary. Anyway thanks for the encouragement and for helping me see things from their point of view. It was very helpful. I think even my own therapist was pleasantly shocked which is nice.