my mom really messed up this time

a little history...

my mom cheated on her common law husband of 20 years with a 72 year old man. she is 46 years old. this man promised to marry her and all. but when s^%$ hit the fan, and her husband found out and kicked her out of the house her "lover" brought her to my house along with my 8 year old brother. so i took her in. mind you, i didn't even consult this with my husband, i just told him "my mom is having problems with her husband and she is moving in with us. anyway, so this happened in november. so since then she and my brother have been living in my home. it caused a huge strain on my marriage that was already strained. and my husband and i were seperated in march and just recently got back together. well my mother helps out with the kids, taking care of them when they get out of school and such.
her lover is a controlling jerk. she has to call him every 2 hours. if she is off by a couple of minutes he will yell at her over the phone. by the way he lives in pa we are in ny. he comes to see her once a month, i think. he doesn't help her financially or in any other way. if she goes out she has to tell him where she is going. and is she has to call him as soon as she returns. and if he feels she took "too long" he'll yell at her and accuse her of cheating on him. crazy situation i know.

current problem: the kids are off from school. my aunt who works all year, was going to watch them for thenext 2 weeks. but she decided to go to florida. she is entitled to vacation. by the way she too lives in my house. she is moving out now in september. she didn't tell us she was going to florida. she figured that if she left quietly my mom would stay and watch the kids without a problem. well she was wrong. my mother was enraged that my aunt went on vacation. this was friday. i told my mom that i took thur and fri off, so she could leave on wed to pa to see her boyfriend. when i wake up sat morning, i see that the room is empty. then i look at my desk and find a note. she left me a note saying that she was taking my brother to his father and going to "talk" to her boyfriend and she's very sorry. i was so angry. i could not believe it. she knows that i do not have enough time accrued to take off from my job for the next 2 weeks. the job that PAYS the bills in the house she LIVES in. she took it upon herself to decide that seeing her boyfriend was more important than anything else. all because her boyfriend was upset. the boyfriend that didn't take her in. the one who borrows money from her and doesn't pay her back. well you know what, she is going to have to stay with him now, because i am not going to take her back. i refuse to take her back. the boyfriend is not allowed to house children in his apartment because it's senior housing. in addition to that he doesn't like children! he can't stand his own children or grandchildren for that matter! so my mother will have to give my brother to his father. he'll be better off there anyway. i felt bad before i didn't want that to happen. but you know what i have to preserve my marriage, my family must come first. sorry for the long post.

Good for you. It sounds like a good plan. Your mother is 46 -- 46!!! -- and behaving irresponsibly, immaturely, selfishly, and with an lack of gratitude and consideration for other people that is incomprehensible. The main thing is that your 8-year-old brother is taken care of properly, and you seem to have that covered. Let the bf take care of her now.

Agony,

All of this putting a lot of pressure on your fragile marriage.
For the sake of your marriage and your peace of mind you need to clear house of relatives. It is a good start with your Mom being gone now. Don't let her back in and it is good that your Aunt finds a different place to reside.

Mom is acting like a love struck or immature person in this relationship with her boyfriend. She is with a man that controls and doesn't like kids. That is a recipe for disaster.
Don't be surprised if one day she finds out the hard way what this guy is really all about. I'm a little amased that she would even get into a situation like this. The one I feel sorry for is the 8 year old. This will have a hugh impact on his outlook in life.

You are absolutely right in putting your family and the preservation of your marriage first. It is too bad that you were taken advantage of like this and having to learn a hard lesson.

Hang in there and do your best to make it work.

Good luck,

thanks to all of you for taking the time to read my long post and responding to it. i am still very upset at my mother. i spoke to my dad today and he told me that my plan is correct. he told me that i should put my marriage and children first. he told me that he would never impose himself on me. he told me that he feels that my mother was a very negative person and that since she moved into my home, it brought many problems to my marriage. he was so right!!

(((((agony))))) I agree with guy (again) clear the house of the relatives and focus on YOUR family, hubby and kids. No matter how much you love your mom, brother and Aunt, having them there is trying, you never feel like you can be comfortable in your own house. Make sure your mom knows that your house doesn’t have a revolving door, she’s made her bed, time to deal with her own consequences. Best of luck to you and hubby!

thanks aaaaa. you are right. i should've done this along time ago. instead adding more to the crew ( my mom and bro). my mom has yet to call me. i spoke to her ex-husband who is caring for my brother at the moment since he cannot stay with my mother and her bf. she only calls my bro once a day and speaks to him for less than five minutes. her bf doesn't "allow" her to talk to her ex. and they obviously need to discuss what is going to happen with my lil bro. she and her bf bumped into her ex and my bro and her bf did all the talking! he mentioned that she was going to return to my home on sunday. of course he didn't mention which sunday. at that point her ex, who has been in contact with me told them that i did not want her in my home anymore and had she called me she would've known this. i am so disappointed in my mother. i am so disappointed that she is going to hand over my brother to his father and live with that old man. my lil bro is very attached to my mother. her ex told me that at night my bro calls out for her in his sleep. i feel terrible for him. but at the same time, my mother is a grown woman and i am not responsible for her decisions. i have a feeling that at this point she feels trapped because she is not allowed to leave the house without the old man, nor is she allowed to talk to anyone without his consent. i think that is one of the reasons she hasn't called, i am sure that guilt is also playing a part in it, and she also doesn't want to hear what i or my aunt have to say about her behavior. she's acting like a teenager that has no cares in the world. she need not worry about me because i am a grown woman but she does have the responsibility to care for my bro who is only 8 years old. well thats the story for now. we'll see how it continues to unfold.

Oh, gosh, Agony, I really feel for you in this situation. It's hard to bellieve your mother would be attached to this older man, who is so controlling, doesn't like children, and doesn't support her. What in the world is your mother thinking???? She will regret bonding with this man later in life, if she doesn't do so very soon!
But YOU are right to take care of yourself and your own family first.
Love
Patty

thanks patty.

well my mom called my house yesterday and left a message. asking me to call her back yet she did not leave a number! so i guess i'll be on the llok out for her call today. for some reason i was glad i didn't speak to her. it's like i want to speak to her but at the same time i don't because i am so angry with her. but i have to do this. so i will be on the look out for her call. i am sure she will call again today. according to her ex, she has plans to return here on monday. so i guess that's why she is calling to see if she can just waltz back in here. ain't that a &itch!