[desertnurse1977]

ok so here is some food for thought.

at what point am i lowering my own standards in order to accept what another person would call 'working on the relationship?'

so most of you who keep up with my post know whats up with my situation (if you don't feel free to browse through my posts via my profile). after coming home from work last week my wife left her email open and i found MORE 'pictures' sent to her from a guy she has know for a while in her email.

i was upset to say the least. it's been a long year of events with her. i can't say i've been the perfect angel either, in fact i really never protest perfection on my part at all.

she keeps saying 'we have to decide to dig in both our heals and make this work, or decide to walk away' - BUT the more i dig my heals in the more it seems that i have to prepare myself to be hurt again, and it seems that events are getting closer together rather than farther apart. i now function in 'damage control mode' almost 24/7 in anticipation of the next event.

and by writing all of this it seems that i am almost answering my own questions.

i get paid this weekend. i've found a place looking for someone to rent a room for a reasonable rate. good people. now i have to decide to do it or not.

[CedarS]

My suggestion - rent that room, give yourself time to rest and heal. Having to almost always be in damage control mode is exhausting.

[sabby]

I agree with Cedar....sometimes you need to get away if for nothing else but to put distance between you and the spouse and clear your head as best you can. This doesn't have to be permanent right now. Give yourself permission to take the time you need to figure out your game plan.

Wishing you well!


sabby

[Sannah]

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desertnurse1977 said:
after coming home from work last week my wife left her email open and i found MORE 'pictures' sent to her from a guy she has know for a while in her email.

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This sounds like she wanted you to find them?

[I_WMD]

Some peeps can be self destructive in their relationships .....

Not realizing that the trust factor is usually compromised many times over ,, while communication is sporadic . And the quasi agreements are sometimes built out of defensive or offensive postureing .

[ insert quote here ].......if you let the bird fly and it returns ...[ inserts my own ending ].......it be up to you whether you want to re - feather that nest with the used feathers of the past ,,,,for the storm battered , tattered little bird >>>>... may now want the brilliant plumage that has come back to full brightness ,, from the time that was taken to repair ourselves .

Reflecting or worrying about " what next " is better to say so what !!! Any betrayal in a relationship of any kind ,,, infedelity ,,, substance abuse ,,, even a major lack of self care on the other ones part ,,, can rip the foundation away from even the most through thick and thin >>> relationships .

If " Damage controll " is a constant as to one spouse >>>.. then that one should first controll their own personal damage and re - define YOUR OWN HAPPINESS .

For if that little bird does return ???? ... Some one is going to have to be exceptionally strong and patient .
And at that point ,,, Don' t ask the question ,,, if you believe the answer may hurt you .

Good Luck in your decision / choice . WMD .

[StarPonysMama]

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desertnurse1977 said:

she keeps saying 'we have to decide to dig in both our heals and make this work, or decide to walk away' - BUT the more i dig my heals in the more it seems that i have to prepare myself to be hurt again, and it seems that events are getting closer together rather than farther apart. i now function in 'damage control mode' almost 24/7 in anticipation of the next event.

and by writing all of this it seems that i am almost answering my own questions.


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Is SHE digging her heels in or, is it just you? "Damage control mode". Totally understand that ...LOL.....it's no way to live hon, you gotta take care of you.

[desertnurse1977]

sigh...... thank you for all of your posts. this site has been tremendous help to me since i joined. i try to keep up at work when times are slow - but as of late that hasn't been the case. and i can't really look at anything at home (except on my days off in which i have to delete the history). something about my posts would probably be upsetting to her (probably about broadcasting the situation i am sure).

i am still in the house until friday - been sleeping on the couch.

so her grandfather has been sick and in the hospital for a little over a month. he hasnt been doing so well as of late and last night she went to see him at the hospital. she come home very upset because the family is apparently making plans now (he's 92) with the condition he is in.

i've never felt like such a monster in my life - but i barely had it left in me to even comfort her. i left her to go to bed on the couch. listened to her sob all night. i'm sure a lot of that has to do with our situation. but it pretty much sucked.

what worse is that i feel painted with a stigma. like now i'm one of those people with a bunch of drama dragging behind them in an invisible cart. i hate to even talk about it (i dont at work) just because of what it injects into the environment. which almost feels entrapping. sigh.

sannah -

i've often thought about that situation - that she 'subconsciously' wanted me to find it. but i dunno if i can honestly subscribe to that line of thought right now. i dated a girl (very briefly and a long time ago) that stated 'you don't want me working at a restaurant because you think i'll flirt with the cooks.' this was a completely out of the blue statement which ended up being true in actuality. (its called a feudian slip - hiding the truth in conversation - sometimes even blurting it out unwillingly)

wmd -

i agree with the bird analogy. make my own happiness...... sigh. i am a BIG advocate that happiness is entirely up to each individual (i.e. i can't rely on anybody to make me truely happy - but other people can ADD to it).

star -

ya.... heels dug in. i think at this point i've dug an entire fighting position. and im tire of living in it. the hard part is coming out with all the bullets flying around. the other part is throwing down my defenses and walking away

[allabout]

DesertNurse,
I understand that feeling of constant damage control mode. On top of it, if you're like me, you're also always waiting for what will come next.... sure that it will be something hurtful rather than something to make you smile. I certainly don't know the answer. I wish I did. I also wonder what it means when there is something so easy for you to find. If it's not even hidden, then what is it? A cry for help? An attempt at conversation even when it's obviously going to bring on a negative conversation? If you've been going through all of this for a year and there's no sign of change, then maybe it IS time to take a real step to take care of yourself. I'm not there yet, but I have a few more months before hitting the year mark. Maybe a little time apart will change your perspective - for both of you. It's horrible to feel like you're deserting someone when they are (about to be) in a crisis or time of need. But it sounds like you've been serving that role for a long time. If you weren't feeling able to comfort her, then it was better to be true to your feelings and not to pretend.