[kaisc272]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 7 months now, she is a freshmen in college and im 21 in the same college. when we began to get serious about the relationship, she tells me that my past of random hookups and sex with other girls was something she was having a very hard time getting over. She has had previous history as well, but I got over it. I realize that that was the past and that she is with me now, and thats all that matters. I imagine a very happy future with her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. However, she does not take my past in the same manner. Just about a month ago, her problem with my past has gotten alot worse. She tells me that she sees me and imagines me having intercourse with other girls. It brings alot of pain to her.

I keep reminding her that they meant nothing to me, but she insists on telling me that i enjoyed it and want it again. I found out that she is going through depression, and had a history of clinical depression when she was in highschool. She started to see a psychiatrist and recognizes that she has a disorder.

At times she tells me very hurtful things, that we are over, and that it could never work out between us. Then after a day or two she tells me that she can not live without me. I understand that she is not herself when shes saying those hurtful things, and im being very patient with her, letting her know that im always going to be there for her no matter what and that she is the world to me.

Is there anyone who has experienced the same thing or similar...or anyone who can shed some light on what im going through? this girl is important to me. we laugh together alot and get along extemely well. just that when she is reminded of my past she gets all these negative thoughts and wants to break up. ...help

[Christina86]

((((((((((((kaisc272)))))))))))))))))

That is really sweet that you are so concerned for her wellbeing.

Does she see a counsellor, and still see the psychiatrist for medication? Those are usually both really helpful (with each other) to keep a hold on the affects that depression can have on one's day-to-day functioning.

What really sticks out for me are a couple of things:
- She's jealous of your previous GFs. I'm not a doctor by any means, but perhaps she's insecure due to low self esteem? That can usually happen with depression. If she becomes too possessive though that could be a problem.
- She vacillates between saying hurtful things and saying she can't live without you. Also could be depression related, because I can say as someone who's depressed - it's hard to believe that someone cares, and we spend up a lot of energy trying to hurt them/get rid of them (even unconsciously) because we feel we deserve it.

I'm sorry she's dealing with this, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well. Depression is a hard thing to control at times. Seriously though, if she doesn't have a professional to talk to at least (and maybe a psychiatrist for meds), then she should really find a therapist. That can make a lot of difference when dealing with depression-problems.

[kaisc272]

thank you christina....

she is seeing a psychiatrist right now....i commute with her everytime she goes and i just wait outside as the session is happening. she has requested some medication...and does seem to be aware that medication may help her. its really helpful to know that what shes says to me could be caused by her depressed mind and not what she truely means...

also i want to know if being with her alot is a good thing. i always take into account the nice things she says to me...like "dont ever leave me" or "promise you will always be with me" and things like that....so i stick to her. we see each other everyday bc we live together. however when the depression and anger takes her....she seems like she really wants me to vanish and wishes she never met me. i try to supress all the things she says to me and just try to be there for her.

[RomanSunburn]

Welcome to Psych Central, Kaisc! I hope you find some of the advice here useful.

I want to applaud you for being there for your girlfriend. I can related to what she's going through, and maybe I can help shed some light on her feelings. I've been dealing with depression for several years, now, and I'm 21 as well. Is she far away from home while she's at school? My depression was probably at one of its worsts during my freshman year simply because I was trying to adjust to being 800 miles from home. I'm also in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years. While it's a little different than your situation, I used to subconsciously push him away as well, even though the times when we weren't speaking were so hard that I ended up caving and going back to him. My boyfriend and I actually broke up for 6 months because my depression got so bad, he finally said "I dont think I can make you happy anymore, so I'm throwing in the towel." We're back together, but I just want to warn you that her depression is going to be extremely hard on you. Also, I agree with Christina, she sounds like she has very low self esteem. Try to take things slow with her, with lots of reassurance of your love and how you feel about her. Also give her compliments, just "You look really pretty today" or "I love the way you smile." Little things like that, to really try and cut down her self esteem barrier. Its good that you're going with her to therapy and such. I always found I'm more likely to go if theres someone going with me, whereas going by myself always seemed so much harder. I'm not sure how you should deal with her past. You should be truthful. Those girls probably didn't mean absolutely nothing to you, and you probably did enjoy those moments to some degree. By telling her that they meant nothing at all and that you didn't enjoy them probably just makes her think you're lying. You might want to say something along the lines of "You're right, I did enjoy that. But I enjoy being with you more than all of those other girls combined." Overall, just be honest and caring, and understand that she does love you, and right now she simply can't give you all the love she really wants to.

I hope this helps some. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk some more. Best wishes!
Ro

[kaisc272]

thank you Roman,

tomorrow we are going to see if her psychiatrist would prescribe medication for her. Yes every I shoot ramdom compliments to her and tell her how much she means to me and that i'd always be there for her no matter what. She is about 40 minutes from school so i dont think distance is really an issue. I really dont want it to come down to breaking up with her for a few months and getting back together. not that i wouldnt be able to wait for her...just that i am still able to make her laugh...alot... usually to the point where we have trouble breathing.

on the good days...we go out into the sun..go swimming...play with our puppy...etc. yesterday was a whole day without her depression severely kicking in, however there was one point in the evening when she seemed sad and just staring into space, but she quickly asked me for a hug and everything seemed to get better after that.

Im glad that you and your loved one is back together...im happy for you guys and i wish you the best.

My girlfriend's depression might be very hard on me...perhaps this is just the beginning, but I consider myself a patient and confident person and i feel like with just a little support from family friends and the people here, id be able to help her without breaking.

[kaisc272]

she just asked if we can seriously end it...she says shes constantly reminded of my past and its making her miserable, shes trying hard to accept it but she just cant. Im not sure what to do...she has said this before, but we managed to stay together after she slept through it. I feel quite miserable myself as well...it feels like what i have done is putting her through this. I just need assurance that her depression is making her think that my past is a big deal and causing it to be exceptionally hard to accept.

[RomanSunburn]

Kaisc,
I'm so sorry to hear that she wants to end it. But, she might be feeling that she needs to get herself together and healthy before she feels she can love anyone else. You might want to have a serious dicussion, as I'm sure you already have, about what she's really feeling. Dont take "I dont know" for answers. Her depression is probably really confusing her emotions right now. Try to be patient. If she wants space, try to give it to her, but make sure she knows you care about her, and that you want her to get better, to continue her therapy and whatever medications her doctor's decide to try. I'm sure her feelings for you are real, dont doubt them and try not to doubt the happiness you do give her. I'm not her and I dont know exactly what she's feeling, but I"m pretty positive that she is not pushing you away because of you, but because her depression is warping her emotions.

Let me know how things turn out for you; best wishes!
Ro

It may be too difficult for her to "get over" your past.. She sounds like she has low self-esteem plus her values may just be different than yours so she is not able to just foget your past & proceed.

You are young & this may sound harsh, but is this what you want to envision for your future? I've been together with my husband since we were teenagers & I had my first suicide attempt at 15. I've had professional help--medication & therapy--but the disorder still persists to some degree & can surface again very strongly (which fo r me lead to overdoses). He has stuck with me, but in his heart of hearts, if he could see the future he would not choose t go down this road with me.

Think about if you are willing & able to stay with her if she doesn't get better & maybe even gets worse.--Suzy

[kaisc272]

thanks for all the support everyone...we had a long serious discussion last night...a rollercoaster ride of emotions. She begged me to leave her at once, and though i promised to never leave her, i told her that id give her space, and that my heart isnt going anywhere. I told her that id be just a phone call away if she needed me for anything, and that geographical distance was going to be the only thing changing...temporaily. i asked her to take good care of our puppy, and that id leave first thing in the morning.

...the responst i got from this was not the way i expected, she seemed to get even more upset...saying things like "why dont you just leave and never come back".."if you walk out that door, im never talking to you for the rest of my life". it all seemed to contradict herself. first she wanted me gone, then she threatens me with the relationship.......well to make a long story short...i decided that giving her space was what we needed...and i told her just that.

what happened next was her breaking down and confessing to me how much she reallly loved me and that she never wanted me to leave. She then realized that she needed to see that she could push me away, and that me walking out the door was possible...we hugged and kissed...and it truely was one of the most happiest moments.

however i know that this happiness might not last, and that her depression may kick in anytime, but at least now i have a whole ton of new energy for whatever has to come. thanks again guys for your support...i will keep updating on our situation.

[RomanSunburn]

Suzy, I dont want to be harsh... But have you asked your husband and been told that he would have picked a different path than being with you? If you haven't, then I dont think you should think such things since you can't read his mind. I only wish the best for you, otherwise I wouldn't have said anything at all.

But Kaisc, Suzy does have a point. You can't go into a relationship with this girl half heartedly. If you have any doubts at any point, you should probably get out. It will only hurt the both of you more later on. I'm glad you guys are doing well now, but make sure she continues to see her doctors. I'm not sure I understand her point of seeing if she could push you away... What does that accomplish, exactly? Was it more a test of how serious you are? Just be careful, and dont forget to take care of yourself first.
Lots of luck,
Ro

[kaisc272]

shes hospitalized from a suicide attempt...im heartbroken...they dont let visitors in there and that kills me even more...i can just imagine her in there all by herself...i break down everytime i think of it...

we figure out plans to help her deal with my past, but few minutes later she wants to give up me and her life...this has gotten alot worse.

the doctors are trying a new medication and some therapy...

anyone know how to help with this particular issue? i want to help her with her insecurities and self esteem. does anyone know what i can do?
i reassure her that she is the one for me...and yes if i have to deal with this for the rest of my life, I will...thats how much i love her.

please anything...its so sad seeing her like this...sometimes i think about dying with her...to end all the pain...but ofcourse im not gonna do it...just thoughts about it...i really just want to help her and help us. and im ready to take however long it may take.

thank you everybody for being supportive.