I've made a decision :(

I'm caring for my two year old nephew. He is my pride and joy!

My father is horribly ill and in need of constant care. He lives about 2 1/2 hours from me. I had to make a decision not to be there for him. I can't take care of myself, my family and this precious baby AND be there for him.

I had previously made a decision that I would be there for him if I could, but that was pre-baby. Many people are AMAZED that I would even consider being there for him. He was an evil man. The only reason he still isn't is the fact that he's ill. However, the bright spots I remember in my young childhood involve him...then he went completely over the edge. He was evil. He was never there for me. My entire family has PTSD due to him. He is uncaring. The only reason he contacted me is because he's so ill. I could go on and on.

Why then do I still feel quilt? I don't understand! I know I'm a very compassionate person and wouldn't want an animal to die alone. Intellectually, I know I'm doing the right thing. Why then do I feel this guilt and find myself trying to figure out ways to go down there?

I will do the right thing and keep on track because I refuse to take from the baby to give to this man, but why do I wish somewhere that I could? It makes me feel weak and like I'm the biggest pushover in the world or a glutten for punishment.

Any thoughts would be so appreciated. I need to figure this out. It's started to really bring me down.

kimmydawn

(((((Kimmydawn))))) You still feel guilt because of past programming, would be my best guess. I really believe in my heart of hearts that you are making the right decision. And I KNOW you are a wonderful person who does NOT deserve the guilt.

Take care, sweetie. You are doing the right thing.

Love lots,
Angela

So sorry (((((((((kimmy))))))))). My T told me it is common to feel anger even hate and love at the same time for an abuser expecially being related to them. First time faced with it was very confusing and tore me apart. Sittuation was different but I remember feeling guilt just for having the mixed emotions.
larks

thank you ((((((((((((((((((((( larks ))))))))))))))))))))))

Kimmydawn, you must do only what is best for you and your hubby and the baby, your father has others I'm sure who can care for him. You can not give this man your life or feel guilt as you said he only contacted you because he's ill.
Take care of YOU and present family, they will be there forever
(((((((Hugs)))))))
Reah and the girls

kimmy i think this is the best decision for you given your history with him. but like ozzie said, you could still plan to see him once in a rare while just to alleviate that guilt. another way to alleviate that guilt is if you can be peripherally involved (at whatever level you have time/energy for -- not saying you should take on too much here OK?) in helping him find care -- maybe offer to make a couple phone calls or inquiries about a nursing home or in-house patient care. Whether or not you end up being the one to set him up with something doesn't matter, the point is by just taking a half hour or so to make a few calls you can feel involved and still maintain a safe distance, thus alleviating your sense of guilt and whatever moral senses of obligation you may feel about him being family, etc. just be sure to keep it low key -- that is, don't create the expectation for yourself or others that doing this means YOU will take responsibility entirely on yourself for "setting him up" -- you're just going to make a call or two, and if that leads to something, great, and if not, well, you tried, and that's the end of that.

just an idea that popped into my head -- take it if it works, trash it if it doesn't!

Malady,

that's really a well thought out suggestion and a good one! i need to do that and it needs to be enough. right now, one thing i don't like is...we're hiding. there's a fear here...not a physical fear, but we're definitely hiding for a reason.

I have been helping in the realm that you talked about. for instance, the dr was going to allow him to go home which was not a good idea! it's the reason he ended up back in the hospital in dire shape. he doesn't have the care he needs. in fact, the woman that's staying there is a severe alcoholic who picks on him, etc when drinking. he's too ill for that. i explained that to the dr and he agreed that he would be better in a rehab facility for a couple of weeks as he's getting stronger.

however, this morning there has already been two calls from his home (probably that woman) that i couldn't bring myself to answer and scared to check the voice mail. this is really messing with us. i need to get this under control but it's escalating. there is an intense fear and anxiety building. i know it's past stuff. i'm sure of it. i need to get to the root of it so i can do what i need to do, but someone just wants to hide

your suggestion is a great one and i thank you for it. i need to get the emotions here in line to do just exactly what you suggested.

thank you again,

kimmydawn

ok, i've checked the voice mails (stomach still upset i was so nervous) and it was the woman that stays there. she said that the father wanted to know if i'm coming down there on the first one. then said that he wanted me to give him a call on the second one.

i physically can't do that right now. the intense emotion going on inside of me just is too much. just checking the voice mail was almost too much. we want to hide. i can't call him right now...i just can't.

i can't do this right now. im awful i knw but i cant. im sorry.

It's ok... youre not awful. You're under a lot of stress. It's not bad to feel this way. You'll be ok... Maybe just sit down in a chair and concentrate on your breathing for a while... I dont know what else to say, but youre definitely not a bad person. I've been so impressed with all the things you've been managing recently...if calling him stresses you out, just dont do it until youre ready. Maybe get out of the house for a little while... maybe take your little boy to a play park or something.

Hope you feel better soon, (((((kimmy)))))

~ silver

Kimmydawn, you are not awful, you know how much you can take. Just tune him out for now. Put the 2 yr. old down for a nap and go to your safe place for a bit. then you'll feel better.
Angie and the girls

thank you (((((((((((((((((((( silver ))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm doing better now...just very triggered for some reason for a bit. thank you so much for caring.

be safe,

kimmydawn

((((((((((((Angie and the girls)))))))))))

thank you for caring. i didn't have the baby last nite or this morning, so maybe that's why feelings were allowed to come? i feel better now. i have the baby now and doing well thank you again,

kimmydawn

I have so much respect for you. It takes a very special kind of person to take care of others. Most people do not have the patience or the inner strength to do it. I think you have made the right decision and you shouldn't feel guilty about it. You are going to make that child's life very special, what a wonderful person you are.

Do what you have to do, Kimmy. Take care of your self right now.