Ok, Spillin the Beans

Hubby decided that he wanted to have sexual fantasies. Ok, sure. Was good with that. Then he decided we should "swing". Not good with that. never had "casual" sex, didn't wanna. Then I met a friend on a sexual forum and we became friends, then cyber lovers, then hubby let me go off for a weekend with him. 1/2 my age, wonderful person. Boy fell for me, I care about him 2, but I can deal. Bottom line is hubby has not had his "turn" with a girl, expects me to make it happen, and join in. Not cool for me, as far as joining in. We have been fighting for a month, sleeping apart, and now I have no desire for him. He is acting, dressing, and pretending to be 1/2 his age, going out all the time. I want him to have his turn because he will never let me forget that he didn't, and I did. Conjoint therapist told us today that she will not see us for counseling until he abandons his "turn" and cuts his losses. Did much damage to me.

Thoughts, experiences. I will give him his "turn" just so I dont have to hear about it the rest of my life. He thinks the therapist "doesnt understand". Hellllp! I do not get offended at opinions, so lay them on me!

Thanks and

it doesn't seem very helpful for the therapist to refuse to see you until he's gotten over this thing. what's the point of that?

why doesn't he just go find some girl and be done with it? does his "turn" have to have your involvement or it doesn't count, or something?

If both you and he have decided he should have his turn, then what is holding him back? Is he unable to find a partner? If he is going out all the time, why hasn't he slept with anyone yet? Why are the two of you fighting and not sleeping together? Could it be that the two of you really didn't want this after all? Maybe you can ask him what he really wants and give him an easy out if he really doesn't want to take his turn. Maybe that's what the therapist meant by cut his losses. I don't know. I would focus on the relationship with your husband right now and not worry about what's going on with your therapist. I do think it is up to the partners to determine whether their relationship is open, not the therapist. In my own marriage, my H had hidden affairs and when I found out, he encouraged me to have some lovers of my own. I was not interested and think he said this just to make himself feel less guilty for his infidelity and deceit. Could it be that your husband was challenging you to have another partner but didn't really think you'd take him up on the release from your vows? Now that you did, he's pissed off and feeling possessive and cheated on? Just throwing out ideas....

This started as his fantasy, and I was not interested. He is pissed because he has not had his turn, and he needs counseling himself for other issues. For example, I have been very weepy and depressed for weeks. I made a comment on a man's long hair tonight, and hubby was a little drunk, and started admonishing me for making fun of his hair, which I do not do. Now he is pissed, and when we got home I thanked him for taking me out, and when he came in the living room he started" Ya know, you are the cause of all my self-esteem problems". I cannot take care of this person anymore. He has issues and will not admit them. The counselor saw me in a state of despair and will not see us until hubby commits to working on the marriage rather than having his "turn". I really hurt tonight. I tried to have fun, and I even decided that I would try to sleep with him tonight, but he ruined it. I hate my life. I do!!!!

yeah. i see where she's coming from but at the same time, you can't just wait for him to come around on this. he needs to have his eyes opened to the true nature of this situation, and from the sound of it he won't come to it on his own. i think it would be nice if you could ask the counselor to reconsider, or find another one.

but also i'm sorry you're in this bad situation and that you feel so let down.

Hi Doesitend...

The above would be like a mechanic refusing to look at your car until it was running perfectly...Can't understand that one..I would certainly seek another opinion..

Have you resolved your "care" for this young man. It would seem that might impede any progress on your part..

Relationships are by their very nature are complex and yours has evolved quite so. If you value it,,and it seems you do by your wonderfully honest declaration, I think you both will need the help of a competent professional to weed through recent events. I think these events are symptoms of much deeper issues that need to see the light of day..

Please don't hate your life,,,we all find ourselves in places where our challenges are formidable..overcoming them is what builds our compassion.

Keep us posted..we care...

Lenny

Lenny,

I am working on resolving the care for this young man. The biggest part to get past for me is losing the friendship. We could talk, debate, have fun, laugh, and most of all, he accepted ME for ME, warts and all. Hubby cannot do that, but then we have a much different relationship. He cannot let go of the past, and he is currently reading a book called How to get the woman you want into bed, Complete with highlighter. I agreed that he could have his turn, but it seems to me that this is more than that, that something deeper within him is going on. He will not seek help for himself, and he is perfectly happy not to do conjoint just so he can go out and get it on. We went out last night, he said to have fun together, and I made a comment on a man with long hair, and since hubby was drunk, he started in on me about making fun of his hair, which I do not do. He is balding on top with long hair in the back.....So we went home...silence the whole way, then I thanked him for taking me out, but he started 'Ya know, you are the reason for my bad self-esteem'. I nipped it in the bud and went to my room. Later, since I planned to try this earlier in the evening, I went into his room, undressed and woke him, and of course he took me...I felt nothing....for the first time in 15 years, nothing. I went to sleep in my own room. He came in later and starting kissing me, but I stayed "asleep". He is hurting me, does not care, and is selfish. This morning he is all sullen again, says he has issues to work through, blah blah..........We are supposed to go to a birthday party of a 22 year old waitress he has his eye on. I like her, and she likes me. but I am afraid to go because I fear he will get drunk and start on me. My former live-in of 10 years beat me the worst when he was drunk. This is a trigger for me. We have a sitter coming, but I dont want to go, and I am afraid to tell him. Sorry for the long random post. I just feel dead and sad, and cannot speak up for myself with him.......EEEEEEEK