[Bob111]

Hello everyone!

This is my first post on these forums, and also the first time I've ever talked about this problem, and because of that I'm not sure how to get started, but here it goes:

I'm 21 years old, and I've had a hard time communicating with women all my life (generally with women of roughly my age). I generally get really nervous when I speak to women, and can't come up with anything witty to say (well, anything at all would be more accurate). When I was younger (15-18), I was in contact with women more often (even though I was certainly no Casanova back then, either). This was partially do to the fact that back then, there were actually women studying the same subjects as me at school, and also because there were some girls that hanged in the same "gangs" back then. Nowaday though, I rarely communicate with women at all unless necessary, and this is something I need to do something about. Generally the only time I talk to women nowadays is when I'm at a bar with friends and I'm pretty damn toasted, or when there isn't much choise (say, when I'm at the school nurse). I'd also like to add that, while I might speak to women when I'm drunk, I'm still way too shy to actually suggest that I'm interested in them. I mean how silly is that? I try to pull myself together week after week, but when I see a girl I'm attracted to, I just freeze. I feel like I'm wasting my life sitting infront of my computer, when what I should actually be doing is to find a girlfirend and start to focus on things that actually matter. Granted, I'm probably not the first person in history to feel this way, but considering my age, I'd rather not keep sitting and rolling my thumbs until I come up with a solution. I'd be interested to know what you think I should do about this? I've thought about going to therapy many times, but I've got a feeling I wouldn't be able to tell this to a therapist, any more than I'm currently able to tell that cute girl at the bar how I feel about her.

PS. I'm not completely sure if this is the correct forum for this post, so I'm sorry if this is the wrong one.

[madisgram]

hi bob
welcome to the forum!
it sounds like you have given this considerable thought and it's a good time to fix it. ya don't want to be an old man and still twiddling your fingers.
i think a therapist would be a great idea to help you pinpoint what has triggered this shy behavior with women you're attracted to. the therapist doesn't make an issue with info that we reveal ....that's why they are there; to help us see what we need to see and solutions to the behavior that's holding us back.
you might try meeting gals in a group setting (guys and gals) so you don't feel so subconscious. it takes the focus off of you.

[ziggy1]

Bob don't feel so disappointed just yet you still have so many years ahead of yourself. I could see if you were going on 60...!!!

But hey your 21 plenty of time. Ever think of doing the e-harmony or
personal adds, maybe you could find someone there like yourself who's
like yourself.

But in my experience usually opposites attract but you never know. Sometimes too when you stop looking thats when you find someone
naturally, spontaneously....but in the mean time, I wouldn't worry
too much.....when the right one comes along you usually know it.

good luck!!!!!!

[Cherreen]

Hi Bob,

I read through your story and also through the replies, and I agree with what the other members have said. You're 21 years old, still very young. I'm sure that there will be plenty of opportunities for you in the future to find the right woman. But I do understand how you feel. I am 22 years old, and I have never had a boyfriend mainly because it just hasn't happened yet. I understand you may be eager to have a girlfriend and you may be questioning yourself as to why it hasn't happened yet, but everything happens in good time. What sucks is the waiting part. But I do agree with what was said earlier; sometimes relationships come about spontaneously, when you least expect it. So in the meantime keep on living your life and one of these days you may have that unexpected surprise you've been waiting for. I hope this helps and good luck to you!

[Bob111]

Thanks for all the replies guys. I definitely think going to a therapist would be a good start for me. Like I said though, I think I'd have big trouble talking about my problem to someone else. I'm also worried that if I'd go to a therapist, and I wouldn't be able to tell the whole thruth, I might not actually get the help I'd need. This is why I've started thinking what the best way for me to do this would be. Maybe I could exercise what I need to say on the first session, like a speech (which I really hate holding myself btw). The other thing I was thinking about was that maybe I could write it down, and ask the therapist to read it? I've never been to a therapist before though, so I'm not sure if that'd work. As for meeting someone spontaneously as you called it, I'm guessing it's one of the most common ways to start a relationship, but here's the main problem as I see it (If we take an example out of a movie): A man and a woman bump into eachother in the street, the woman carries a pile of documents, they fall down all over the ground, the guy immediately apologizes and starts helping her pick them up, they look at eachother and smile, they start talking, have a cup of coffee and whatnot. Here's the version with me: The same thing happens, I bump into the girl, I apologize and help her pick the documents up, however, my guess is that 99% of the time I'd be too scared to actually smile at her in the first place, which in turn would'nt make the rest of the story happen in any case. This was just an example, but something I've noticed over the years is that most women don't seem to think shyness and poor self-esteem are very attractive attributes, and I've got both of them in abundance.

[tifferific]

This is a really cool thing because once you walk through this issue. You are going to feel so much better. I know that it's not that easy but if you can you should fake it until you make it. Pretend to be someone your not guys do it all the time, as do women, and when things are past that ackward point you'll be home free. What I'm trying to get at is yourissue although hiuge because I have it too. Is simply that fear. You can walk right past it nothing horrible or life crumbeling is going to take you out, if you slip up and say the wrong thing. 4he may even like it, and that's the point just be, be true to you we are all flawed. Not a one of us is perfect. If it doesn,t work out don,t beat yourself up over it. There's nothing WRONG with you. Go on but look for women in places that you will like their attributes. I'm not sure what you like doing but get out in the world. There not in your house. Unless you invited them over. Good luck

[chiz]

Hi Bob,

Seems like you really have to do something about it. But don't worry much because it won't really help. Why not start going out with girls. Not really a date but going out with friends will do. It will help you develop your conversation skills with women and develop your self-confidence. Also, be positive with it. Its a start, you'll be able to make it. Good luck!

[Cherreen]

Hi Bob,

It sounds like you're taking the therapist thing seriously, which is a good step in the right direction if you think that this is what you need to do. As for having poor self-esteem and shyness in abundance....that may be the case, but I am certain that these are not the only two personality characteristics that you possess. Many people are insecure and are afraid to start up conversations with people, but this does not mean that you are not an intersting person. Don't try too hard to change who you are: if you're shy, you're shy. You can't work with what you don't have so if you're shy, then you have to do the best you can with that. Maybe start out small, like hanging out with your friends more often and being more social. Sometimes that helps. But don't forget to pay attenstion to your other attributes

[Saifa]

Hi,
I'm new to this entire thing aswell. I just saw your post and wanted to put in my two cents. I do agree with everyone that the therapy route is good way to go. It will help you get over some of your social anxiety issues.
Some things you can try as a social experiment though is to go out to a bar, party, wherever and talk to just guys to start. When you have no trouble with that talk to people in groups (mix of girls and guys). Then transition into just talking to girls, practice on girls that you aren't attracted to. There is less pressure of rejection since you aren't actually looking for anything. It sounds like a long process, but practice makes perfect. Once you are comfortable talking to girls that you aren't interested in, then you can hopefully be able to move onto talking to girls you are attracted to.
Just remember, you will never see them again if they turn you down (considering you are not hitting on your next door neighbour).
Also, beware of the online dating sites, I went on them, I found 1 descent guy out of like 50. and being bi-polar/borderline makes it harder to have good judgment when meeting people. I met a lot of guys that were just interested in sex, or weren't interesting at all. If you decide to go on the sites, even as another social experiment, just be careful of who you are meeting.
Good luck

[christyv]

Hi Bob,
I just joined PC and was reading your thread and wondering how you were doing now?

If you are still having problems I have a very easy suggestion for ya. The next time you are out and about some place where there are a lot of people your age just walk around making eye contact with any girl who isn't with her boyfriend and smile. You don't have to stop anyone and talk just walk around and make eye contact and smile. Do this a couple of times and eventually it will become second nature then you can move on to the next step.

Honestly, if I were interested in a guy and he walked up to me but didn't really know what to say it wouldn't matter, we could talk about the weather, football or anything just to break the ice.

Good luck, Bob

~Christy

[skymonk]

I'd have to say that I agree with Saifa&Christy?-your last 2 posters. The eye contact&smiling is a big one to break down barriers. Are there places you can meet up with people besides bars? Bars aren't the best place to find someone who's good for you. I know this from experience. Don't forget that there are plenty of us gals that are just as shy as you are. I found that I had to be the one to do the asking when it came to dates-maybe do a little work on assertiveness&finding out what is causing this social anxiety. You didn't say so, but I'm sure you have plenty of good attributes-work on putting those to the forefront when you meet a new girl. Remember it's OK to have girls as friends as well as being girlfriends. You can learn a lot from having girl friends. Don't lose faith-it will come to you when it's time&you are young-that's good. Take care-

[Bob111]

Thanks for all the replies, and happy new year everyone. I've been a bit busy during the christmas holiday, so I haven't read the forums for a few weeks, hence the late reply. I appreciate all the suggestions so far.

Tbh I can't say I'm doing noticably better. I haven't gone to a therapist yet (I'm still having trouble thinking about telling someone about this problem in person), and other than that I've been my usual charming (not) self. I might talk a bit more with women nowadays when I'm out having fun, but doing it sober is still a big no no. As for smiling to women, well, I really do try. Usually when I look a cute girl in the eyes, though, I just feel kind of helpless, and even if I manage to smile, I can't maintain eyecontact while doing so. And yes, I do relize how silly that sounds.

[Bellatrix00]

My advice would be to talk to girls the same way you would talk to your guy friends. I'm a girl around your age and I find it really cheesy when guys use pick up lines or even when it's really obvious that they're hitting on me.

Take this one step at a time. First make friendships with females, treat them like a friend and nothing more. Once you're comfortable in the friendship (but dont wait toooo long because you don't want to get stuck in the friendship zone) start making it a bit more obvious that you're interested in more than friendship, try complimenting her and light/fun flirting. If she seems into that then maybe ask her to hang out, like renting a movie, going for coffee, something casual. That way, its a little less pressure on you and the girl and you can relax more.

[gorda]

Bob relax take it slow and don't worry about it too much. Your not the only one that feels that way. I have a son your age that goes throug the same problem. He can't talk to girls his age his 20. He said he freezes infront of them specially if they are pretty. So just put all effort into what ever you do.