[the2ofme]

I've been married for over 20 years and have a couple of children with this marriage, but I've been in love with someone else for more than 30 years. No matter which way I turn, and through ups and downs in my marriage, which I must say is actually a good marriage, I think of this other girl (Woman). I will call this other woman Cameron for this post. My wife knows that I still have feelings for Cameron, and has worried in the past that I think of her too much. My "relationship" with Cameron started when we were young, about 11 years old and went on until we were in our late teens (17 and 18), and was kept secret from everyone, especially my best friend...her brother. Obviously, we do see each other now and then because of the fact that she's my best friends sister, but only as "friends". The trouble in my heart and in my head is that Cameron seems to act as if it never happened, and says that she always thought of me as a brother. This confuses me do to the fact that sex was involved at times when we were together. I was like a member of her family, though, as we lived across the street from each other, and her parents took me on trips with the family as if I was their son. Family and friends know that I have feelings to this day for Cameron, but not of what went on. I had talked to her mother and my best friend (her brother) about my feelings for Cameron. Her mother said the "brother thing", so I am pretty sure that Cameron didn't speak of anything about the two of us to her mother. The times when I had talked to my best friend...he would just change the subject. ) It wasn't all a secret, though, on one occasion, we were making out at a party in front of our friends, my best friend included, so there was a little suspicion that something was going on between Cameron and myself. So, part of my dilema is that I feel like I am living two lives, one with my wife, and one waiting for Cameron to open her arms to me and bring me home. (Cameron lives 30 miles away in my hometown, I've been away from home for 20 years). The other part of this situation is the sex part. I worry that maybe some of the "innocent touching" may have been "inappropriate touching", and that is why Cameron sort of refuses to acknowledge our past together. Currently, I am writing her a letter to try and figure this out, because sometimes, with the way that she has reacted to all of this, I feel that maybe I hurt her in some way. I am not a monster like that, and it has always angered me with men who violate females. I just want to be sure that I haven't been a monster for her to fear. But with asking her about this, I fear what her response might be. I don't think that I could live with myself if I were her "monster". It frightens and saddens me just thinking about it. She had told me the last time we talked, that one of our mutual friends had in the past, tried to rape her. Would someone talk about that to someone if they feared the same thing about that person? I don't think that I could ever stop loving her. So, what should I do? Forget about her? Write to her? Wait for her?

[the2ofme]

Here is a better explaination of what I am trying to say...This is the letter that I wrote to Cameron, that I haven't sent to her.

Hello again…Well, I suppose you’re wondering why I am writing to you nearly two years after we had talked that one night? We are not getting any younger and I need to know some things before it is too late. I have started writing to you a few times before, as a letter, as a story, and in the form of a poem. The only clear way to do this is to just write it to you, I guess. I am not writing to you to try and change your mind on things, or the paths that we had chosen in or lives. I just need some clarification of these feelings that I have for you. The past is more than just my imagination…Right? I know that I may have been a little mushy, stupid, or maybe even a little bit of an *** at times when writing to you in the past. Sorry if any of those letters frightened or angered you…I want to avoid any of that this time around.
Anyway, on that night we had talked, I feel that I didn’t express myself all too well, being kind of drunk and all. I remember some things from that night, especially that I was very anxious and nervous, wanting to talk to about everything all at once, and getting off track in the meantime. In fact, I am a little “jittery” right now while I am writing this to you. There are so many thoughts and feelings that are bouncing around in my head I don’t know where to begin. I have to say that I was really surprised and pleased to see you that night…but now, I have another image of you stuck in my head. These “images” are something that I had wanted to talk to you more about, you in my mind and heart, without getting too goofy, or scaring you out of your wits. Did I make any sense that night?
Have I taken you the wrong way all of these years? Of course, there are, and have been other “people” in my life, and in yours as well, but you stick with me more than anyone else. You were not my first love, as my sister insists, just the most enduring that I can’t (or don’t want to?) let go of in my heart. Anyway, how did you get to be inside of me as much as you are to this very day? I do recall from that last time that I saw you, you had said that “it” could never be, and I was too much like a brother to you. Well, the second part of that sentence doesn’t make sense to me because of things in “our” past that had happened between the two of us. Have you always just thought of me as a brother figure? Am I that “oogly” that you are embarrassed to say that there may have been something between us? There was something, and I know that this isn’t all just in my mind. I am not telling you this to try and change your mind on things, but to maybe make some kind of closer in my life regarding you and the past. Most of the stuff I would rather talk to you about in person, because some things that had happened, would be better off unwritten, I think. Could we innocently meet up someday as friends and talk about stuff?
What had happened in the past? What had happened that I could say in a letter? A few things might seem meaningless or trivial, but they add up to what has made you such a lasting presence in my life. There was some wrestling that we did that I remember, and times sleeping over at my house, and vise-versa. We had talked on the phone together while listening to the complete, two album, all four sides, of Pink Floyd’s the Wall. Remember when we almost actually “went together”, but Sarah put the kybosh on that? I know that I had talked to you about this that one night, but I don’t remember your response to the situation. Remember when we were at that party at my sister's house? I know that I wasn’t “making out” with a cardboard cutout of you. (More to this story) Remember going on a “double-date” with Kelly and Sarah to see the movie “Fast Times at Ridgemont High”? There was a couple times when you were sunbathing in your driveway and the times that we went camping. (More to these stories as well) Remember running into each other at that bar that one night, and you had asked me to come home with you at the end of the night…due to my drunkenness or something else? Guess where my head is on that one? Am I making more of this than what it is? These are some of the things that I wish to talk to you about, good or bad, but I need to know what had happened?
If you have chosen not to remember some of these things due to me doing something wrong, or hurting you, I also need to know this as well. If I had mistakenly done something like that to hurt you, I am very, very sorry…I never did anything to purposely hurt you. This is that part that scares me about what had happened in the past. Not to say this in a bad way, but I didn’t want to be like a brother to you, as if you don’t already know. But on the other hand, I sure didn’t want to be some kind of monster, either, for you to be forever fearful of me. I am not like that, never was, and I don’t want to be thought of in that way, especially in your eyes. This must really bother me in my subconscious because of some of the dreams that I have had leaves me wondering if in fact I did hurt you. In some of those dreams, that your dad is in as well, your dad seems to be mad at me about something, giving me the “evil-eye”, and looking at me in disgust. Have I done that in real life? Am I guilty of hurting you?
People know that I still have feelings for you. My wife is, I think, fearful of my feelings for you. I remember talking to your mom at least once about you, but the two of us were drinking and I don’t remember too much from the conversation. I have talked to your brother a few times about you, although not surprisingly, he tends to change the subject. I think that we would have remained best friends even if there had been more between you and me. My relationship with him means as much to me as that of my wife, and with you as well, but still, I wonder what it could have been like. Should I be thinking like this? This is a bit too much to carry around inside of my head, so part of me just wants it to be over…part of me. Part of me just wants to go back in time to about 1982 and start all over again. Maybe, I think, this is where some of my feelings have their roots inside of me…What if? What if you and I did take a path in life together? Am I crazy for thinking like this about you? Has the thought ever crossed your mind? I hope that I am not creeping you out with this stuff that I am writing, that is definitely not my intention. I just can’t help thinking that there is something within you, some kind of connection, that helped to make me feel the way that I do about you.
“Still Loving You” by the Scorpions, is playing on the radio, one of many songs that I hear that induces the thought of you. “Without You”, by Motley Crue, gives me goose bumps when I hear it. I can’t escape the thought of you, no matter where I turn. Many things remind me of you, so I can hardly go a day, or night, without a thought of you. How sad is that? I see a blonde girl wearing pink, I think of you. Well really, just seeing a blonde girl. (When I say girl, I mean woman, just thought that I should add that) Strangely, when I see Cameron Diaz, I think of you. Most nights, as soon as my head hits the pillow, I begin thinking of you…and then of course, all of the dreams that I have of you over and over again. Are you like a drug that I am addicted to? Are you a poison that plagues me? I’m trying to tell you this without sounding too stupid, or for you to be thinking that I am some kind of “nut job”. And, here I would like to add without scaring you, it’s not all a sexual thing, either. Of course, I have always found you attractive, and I find other woman attractive…but damn, it’s you that I can’t shake from my mind!
I know that all of this isn’t fair to my wife, either, to seemingly only have half of my heart and mind. Heck, we’ve been together for over 20 years now, but I’ve been thinking about you much of the time! The two of you are separate thoughts, though, and different loves and polar opposites in my heart and mind. The only times the thoughts of the two of you have come together were in a few of my dreams. Unfortunately, the dreams are when I tell my wife that I am leaving her for you. Disturbing? I know that this isn’t just a mid life crisis that I am going through because 30 plus years is too long for that. And, it doesn’t matter if I am going through good times or bad times in my marriage, either. There really haven’t been any bad times I have to say, some trying times, though. That night at the bowling alley was an example of what happens when I can’t make up my mind what path I want to take in my life. At that time, I truly was considering moving in with your brother, and part of me wanted you to know that…just in case. This, in fact, could be one of those times, but today is just like any other day, not happy, not sad…just thinking about you. I do seriously want to know why I feel the way I do about you. This makes me feel like I have been two different people living in two different lives for all of these years, and one of these lives is with you.
I hope that you’re not thinking, “Oh no, here we go again”. And of course, I hope that I am not upsetting you or scaring you with this letter. There have been times that I thought I have come to my senses and was done with all of this, but as always, you pop back into my thoughts. I just think that there has to be a way to finally end this, or begin this, with you. “Is there really no chance to start once again? I’m still loving you”. Can you help me with this? I am reaching out to you to help unscramble my mind. To hold you or to let you go…one way or the other, we need to confront this situation. Either way, I am afraid of the outcome because I know that I will end up losing. Please find a way to contact me, or just write to me...I would still like to see you and talk to you face to face, though, if you would be okay with that. I promise that I won’t get all stupid on you, other than what I just wrote to you.

A Poem

How do I tell you what you mean to me?
How do I tell you without any pain?
I have to get this off of my chest,
Everything to lose, it’s driving me insane.

My heart is at ease with two loves,
My head is full of confusion.
It seems as if I am living two lives,
Trying to figure out which one is an illusion.

In one life, I am in love with this one,
Another life, I am in love with the other.
I know that one may just be a dream,
The true life I wish to uncover.

Both loves I truly value,
My heart is sure of this fact.
Which one will be with me in the end?
Which one will forever last?

Is there a way to make a choice?
Is there a choice to make?
Eventually I will have to decide,
Wondering which path to take.

These two women I see as opposites,
Both have something that I need.
Either one would provide a favorable life,
Which one is right for me?

As troubling as this may be,
There is only one path that I can travel.
Anyway that I look at it,
My life will come unraveled.

[I_WMD]

Your ages at the time you two were friends 17 & 18 * ,,, I doubt the monster label would fit .

Soooooooooo ,, Ya probably won't need to use that as your reason to take up some question and answer correspondence .

20 years more so happily married ,,, and a couple children ..... I would call that " My Life " .

We have all had * past Loves * and the ol' >>.. What if ? ,,, .

Unless divorce or soon to be death of your spouse is imminent ? ,,, chalk that all up to a * first love * and so be it .
IMO.
WMD.

[the2ofme]

The thing is that she wasn't my first love, and we had an ongoing relationship together while we were seeing other people.

The "what if" has always been with me, when I was in the military, when I got married, when I had kids...while I am writing this.

I never said that I was "happily married". I am "contently married". Hopefully I don't get booted over to the suicide community, but many times I just think that the only way to end this is to die. I suppose that I could just get a divorce as well, and see where life takes me.

Maybe, I just miss my dad? He passed away when I was 16, in the midst of our "relationship" that I speak of. Maybe Cameron is that last little piece that I have of a happy time before my dad passed away? Also, maybe not being "happy" the last 20 years has something to do with it.

I just want to go home.

[Capp]

IMHO,
Leave this young woman alone so she can live her life in peace.

If you have difficulty doing it, then seek professional help to guide you.
If by any chance at all you are a monster to her? Contacting her in any way is not going to be pleasant for her. Respect her enough to let go...

You have a loving wife and children to consider.
Your wife is being short-changed by your obsession with this young lady. Why not give your wife the attention she deserves...

Therapy would help a great deal in working through this matter. Don't take any action until you have talked with an objective person about it.

I wish you luck in getting grounded in the present and not mired in the past,
Cap

[notz]

Please, for the sake of your children's lives, your wife and "the someone"---get professional counseling. I_WMD and Capp have made excellent points. I will only add that your focus tips the scales to all about you. I suggest you 'man up', refrain from stirring the pot and get professional counseling post haste.

notz

[cantstopcrying]

Welcome to PC! I applaud you for joining and posting. It's a hard issue and by laying it out there for us, you show that you acknowledge it is an issue for you. Maybe for others it is cut and dry--leave her alone. Obviously for you, though, you are struggling. I know the need for closure is huge, the not knowing, the what-ifs. Did you have these thoughts, for instance, on your wedding day? Or when your children were born? Maybe you can look at when these thoughts are the strongest and why. I, too, really think a counsellor would be a huge benefit. What about talking to her brother? I know he's your best friend, but wouldn't you rather risk that relationship than taking the chance that "Cameron" will mention this letter to your wife? While I believe your wife should know your feelings, it's important to do it in a way that does not destroy her or you. Again, counselling will definately be able to help wiht that.

I hope we can make you feel welcome here, welcome to post your feelings and thoughts and concerns in a safe and non-judgemental atmosphere. I hope you will meet a lot of friends here, read a lot of helpful posts, join in on the chats when you are able. Please message any community liaison or moderator if you have any questions or concerns.

I wish you luck with your situation and offer my advice of please wait and think seriously about the damage you could do to everyone--yourself included.

[I_WMD]

......and , the longer writing you shared here .

Seems , that whenever you had * talks * or trips down *memory lane * ,, you say drinking or being drunk was involved .

That may well be a start into finding who's who , in your mind .

WMD.

[the2ofme]

Thank you all for your responses.

Cameron is not that young, nor am I or my wife. I am 42, and Cameron and my wife are both 40 years old.

I had just written more, but I timed out and lost it all...I will try and write this again.

My wife has know all along about Cameron. And yes, I have felt this way all through our marriage, through the births of our children and today. My wife's mission from the begining was to try and erase the thought of Cameron. Obviously it hasn't worked. I do feel bad that she has had to continue her battle for my heart...she is determined.

I have seen a "shrink", and he said that I had anxiety and depression. He gave me some pills and sent me on my way. Whenever my my feels like something is wrong, she asks if I have been taking my pills.

The "innocent touching", that went boths ways, started when Cameron was 10 and I was 12, and went on through to when I was 18. Because she has never openly admitted to any of this, it makes me wonder if I had done something wrong. I used to refer to myself as Cameron's "guinea pig", her test subject. Maybe if she just admitted to this, it would change my angelic view of her, and I can forget about her. That is why I want to talk to her.

Also, maybe I just want out of my marriage? Maybe I am trying to figure an easy way out without hurting my wife and kids. The past is just memories, and my head is full of memories, sadly to say, most memories are of the times with Cameron and not my marriage.

Thanks again for helping me with my "troubles".

[I_WMD]

Maybe, I just miss my dad? He passed away when I was 16, in the midst of our "relationship" that I speak of. Maybe Cameron is that last little piece that I have of a happy time before my dad passed away? Also, maybe not being "happy" the last 20 years has something to do with it.

This I hear . The wanting of someone that knew your father ....

Have you ever grieved your Fathers' passing ?

Seems ,, he would be proud of the man you grew up to become .

I have seen a "shrink", and he said that I had anxiety and depression. He gave me some pills and sent me on my way.

Sounds as if ya feel / felt >> this encounter with the " shrink " was less than what you may have hoped it would be .... all things take effort .

T/C
WMD.

[Capp]

the2ofme,
It's good to see that you are posting and sharing with us.

Just for the record, at my age, anyone under 45 is young.

Jmo again, but her not openly admitting to it may be because it was only a part of growing up. Many people will experiment when they are young, and it ends there. There is no shame/guilt associated with it. However there may be some embarrassment...we tend to look back and sometimes feel foolish.
My comment to you about letting her live in peace is a valid suggestion. Why should she admit to something like you being her test subject?? Changing your mind about her being angelic? Talking to her about something that happened long ago...what purpose does it serve?

the2ofme, there is a vast difference in seeing a shrink for medication and therapy for your problems. It may be a start in the right direction to find a therapist to guide you through these things.
I "hear" some respect for your wife in this new post. She's done everything she can to make you happy, share a good life, raise children and she is still by your side.

Your last paragraph about possibly wanting out of your marriage without hurting your wife and kids...any way you do it is going to hurt them. There is no easy way to end any marriage, but it's especially hard to end a long term relationship that has brought two children into this world.

If this is what you want then be honest about it--as honest with yourself as you can. Counseling, either individual or couples, will help you sort out things and clear your mind. It's worth the effort if for no other reason than you tried everything before making a decision.

I applaud your honesty in admitting your memories are more of her than of your wife. It only adds to the likelihood that something needs addressed, in fairness and dignity, in your life. An objective person via counseling will help you focus on all of this...in the long run, it is still your decision, though.
I would sincerely like to see you work out a solution to your problems...

Everyone involved deserves to be happy...

Cap

[Capp]

Originally Posted by the2ofme

The thing is that she wasn't my first love, and we had an ongoing relationship together while we were seeing other people.

The "what if" has always been with me, when I was in the military, when I got married, when I had kids...while I am writing this.

I never said that I was "happily married". I am "contently married". Hopefully I don't get booted over to the suicide community, but many times I just think that the only way to end this is to die. I suppose that I could just get a divorce as well, and see where life takes me.

Maybe, I just miss my dad? He passed away when I was 16, in the midst of our "relationship" that I speak of. Maybe Cameron is that last little piece that I have of a happy time before my dad passed away? Also, maybe not being "happy" the last 20 years has something to do with it.

I just want to go home.

the2ofme,
I just read this post after I posted another response...

If you have that much going on in your life, please do seek counseling. It can be a tremendous help to you.
Sometimes when we are hurting so badly we get confused and feel overwhelmed...most of us have been there and we understand. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
We Care

Cap

[jen_9_crimes]

your married so i think you should leave it alone! i mean you made a commitmennt to your wife not cameron! no one ever forgets their first love but they do move on! i thinks its time for you to do that! you cant be stuck in the past forever! i think you should just focus on your wife and kids!

[AAAAA]

It does not sound like the woman you're thinking of waiting for thinks of you the same way you think of her. If she's re-writing history in your view (ie calling the relationship more like brother sister than lovers) there's a reason for that. I don't know what age the touching and the sex started but maybe she does feel that she was taken advantage of. I am very confused, you say it was a secret yet your mother and best friend (her brother knew) the relationship was secret from whom? And more importantly, think WHY you felt the need to keep it secret.

We've all had a relationship with a "what if" involved. It's been my experience that the reason it didn't last was because it was not to be. You're not being fair to yourself nor your family. Right now it sounds like you're using this fantasy perfect relationship as a crutch. It sounds very much like she's been trying to tell you for quite some time that this relationship is not for her but you don't want to hear it. So what happens if she decides not to respond to your letter? Will you let this go?

On a side note, coming from a long line of alcoholics, not remembering things you've done or said while you're drinking is a dangerous sign.

I wish you all safety and contentment.

[the2ofme]

I seldom drink, 3 times last year...1/2 of a beer each time. When I last saw Cameron, in May 2007, I was quite drunk because it was a surprise birthday party put on for me by my sisters, and everyone kept getting me shots. Before that, I would have a few beers about every other month with Cameron's brother. The last 18 years...I don't and can't drink like I used to. I ended my "party days" early on in my marriage...My wife's parents were alchohlics, and they fought a lot, got divorced...My parents DID NOT drink. I saw my dad have a beer once at a family get together. His father was an alchollic and beat my dad and grandma. My mother's father and stepmother were also alcholics. So, I do understand the dangers, and had taken action. Our daughters are 15 and 13, and I don't think they have ever seen us drinking, or even under the influence. I just wanted to clarify the drinking thing, I was a drunk from 1983 to 1987...My dark years after my father had passed away, but I wised up and put it behind me. I did have fun, for the most part, I was just a happy drunk, or just a very depressed drunk. Very rarely was I a violent drunk, and I was aware of the damage that I could do in that state of mind.

I must say, that all of you are helping me see things a little clearer. I have tried to talk to my wife in the past, about Cameron, but I am always scared of hurting her...I do LOVE her. I had seen the hurt in my wife's eyes when she thought that I was having an affair with the neighbor lady. No affair, we were just spending too much time together, outside, watching her children and my children...I suppose the whole neighborhood thought that we were having an affair. And, here I must add, that since we (my wife and I) started going out together and to this day, I have been faithful. I am trying to do everything right in life and marriage, but this Cameron stuff messes with my head...

I do have things around the house that my wife knows of that are to do with Cameron, things that I can not get rid of...I have a book of nearly 300 poems that I had bound up, and many of the poems are of Cameron. Also, there are drawings that I had made of Cameron that stay rolled up and put away, except for a couple of times my daughters wanted to see my drawings. I say that I can not get rid of them because they are from my creative years, unfortunately, the Cameron years. Both of my daughters are very good artists and writers, and I keep the stuff for them so they can see what their pa could do. My parents and my wife's parents were also artistically creative, and I keep some of there work for future generations. My daughters haven't read the book of poems, although over the last year or so, they have wanted to read it. They know of Cameron, but not as my wife does, because of the drawings that I have done (clean drawings). My wife calls Cameron "big-nose", and the kids get a kick out of it.

This is making me feel better about my marriage...and life, thanks. I am feeling that maybe I just needed someone to talk to since I am away from my family and friends (except for my mom, and she's off at the casino a lot). I do feel life slipping away faster every year, but that's just part of getting older. I still feel the need though, to talk to Cameron, to at least put an end to the past and get on with the future. When Cameron told me that "it" we could never be, that should have been enough, right? In some ways, as I think about this, maybe I have stupidly considered it a challenge from her for me to prove her wrong, in some butt-backwards logic.

Thanks again

P.S. Good news...I still have an unsent letter. )

[the2ofme]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

It does not sound like the woman you're thinking of waiting for thinks of you the same way you think of her. If she's re-writing history in your view (ie calling the relationship more like brother sister than lovers) there's a reason for that. I don't know what age the touching and the sex started but maybe she does feel that she was taken advantage of. I am very confused, you say it was a secret yet your mother and best friend (her brother knew) the relationship was secret from whom? And more importantly, think WHY you felt the need to keep it secret.

We've all had a relationship with a "what if" involved. It's been my experience that the reason it didn't last was because it was not to be. You're not being fair to yourself nor your family. Right now it sounds like you're using this fantasy perfect relationship as a crutch. It sounds very much like she's been trying to tell you for quite some time that this relationship is not for her but you don't want to hear it. So what happens if she decides not to respond to your letter? Will you let this go?

On a side note, coming from a long line of alcoholics, not remembering things you've done or said while you're drinking is a dangerous sign.

I wish you all safety and contentment.

Many people knew that I had feelings for her, they just didn't know that we were "involved" with each other the way that we were.

[cantstopcrying]

Good on the unsent letter! What about just calling her up and meeting for lunch and casually discussing it, like saying, "Boy, the older we get the more I find myself reminnising. Do you ever wonder 'what if' about us?" Maybe something like that will help open the door to a discussion

[bonaire]

Originally Posted by the2ofme

Many people knew that I had feelings for her, they just didn't know that we were "involved" with each other the way that we were.

You gotta deal with it somehow. I think it may be some type of ongoing addiction to her in some degree. It's heathy to long for someone but hurtful if it takes your mind away from those in your family now.

My story is that I'm married - 14 years+ now. I did meet a similar deep love four years ago. Yes, it was an affair. Yes it was painful for all parties involved. Was an amazing time both for the bad and the good that came of it. After being with this woman, I didn't go more than a few hours without thinking of her for nearly 2 years. This year, she ended up getting married. On my birthday no less. I miss her dearly but know it was something way too impossible to do. I don't think of her as much, but we had and may still have an invisible mental connection (sort of a soul-mate kind of thing).

You can continue to think about her and have it pollute your mind with memories (which are great, of course) but you have to think of your current family and what they deserve - you. They need you to be there fully. You can work on trying to ease away from thinking of her and it'll eventually fade if you work at it. One recommedation is to seek out a therapist who can use EMDR with you. It helped me remove a long-lost feeling of loss for a young girlfriend (my first) from a long time ago that sounded a lot like your story. EMDR lets you let-go of some of these deep-seated feelings. it does work.