Addiction to Internet Games

Don't know what to do - our son-in-law who lives with here with me, my husband, our daughter (his wife), their son (4) and our older daughter. Too many in house. But s-i-l plays EverQuest and it's really getting on everyone's nerves. He might try to do things when they need done, but not real often. He does do work for our business, when there are jobs, but too much of the time, he's at his computer, which is in our living room area. Not spending enough time with his son, etc., etc.
Anyone else with problems like this? And what seems to be the remedy today? Any help here and advice would be appreciated, thanks.

I was stuck on MMOs (EverQuest, EverQuest II, LOTRO), I liked the detachment from the "real" world. For 8 months after I started my wife didn't play, she said she didn't mind...then she started, then the problems started. She eventually quit and I couldn't, not until 3 weeks ago that is. I just cancelled my subscriptions and gave them up cold turkey. My thing was they weren't fun anymore, and I was doing exactly what you say your son-in-law is doing, no family time, all I wanted to do was play. It is an addiction and it's hard to break...for me it wasn't so hard, I love my family and they need me, those games are just...games. He needs to know that EQ is not life, a lot of players play to get away, to not face real life "RL" as the players call it. People are faceless (bascially, you do have the cartoon you play (toon, or char), names aren't real, and if you don't like somone you just don't talk to them. It wasn't that hard for me to give it up like I said, but many IMHO use the game because they are not happy in real life, and escape to this fantasy world where they can control life and be happy. I would have a talk with him and maybe even make him go see a T to help with this. GL, I know what these games can do to people, even resulting in death (extreme cases), I hope you can talk him into at least playing casualy, but that's hard for a hard core player, who IMHO needs to quit slowly, like a drug, taper off. Hopefully he's receptive to real life and will see what he's doing. Good luck!

Thanks for responding to my post. I think he might be trying to be a casual player. But too many times his wife, our daughter, asks him to help with something and he puts it off a little too long. He does it with all of us, gets embarrassing, like when we had someone here visiting awhile back. Didn't come to table to eat, said "in a little bit", but when he did, we were almost through.
Then a couple days ago when daughter and I had a bad day, arguing, etc., problems with hormones or something. She, also his wife, felt bad, tired, etc. and needed his help with their son, but she ended up taking care of him. Later at bedtime, she wanted him to rub her back, she was in pain, but I ended up rubbing it. She said he had asked her if she could wait until the morning. Kind of heartless, if you ask me. And tomorrow, Valentine's Day is their anniversary. They plan to do something, but so much of the time he's not into things.
We even went and visited some family last weekend, eating at a restaurant and were kind of embarrassed because he hadn't showered first. He needed a shave too, at least clean the face, you know, but his hair really needed some attention, cleaning and all.
I don't think it's as bad as it could get, but truly don't want it getting there. Not really sure how to approach it with him, don't want him to get all on the defensive or anything, and feel like taking family and leaving. I want them near us, since their son is our only grandchild. We'd need to handle it right, I do know that. Don't want him feeling like we're all pointing fingers at him. Some of the rest of us do things on computer and play games too, but not to that extent.
Anyway, thanks for your input, really appreciate it!

Wow, I am sorry to hear that. Sounds to me like he's a little more than a casual player tho...casual players know the game is a game, play when they actually have time to play, when it doesn't interfere with anything else, and know that RL is much more important than the game. He's become hard core, sorry to say.

I really don't see any other way then to talk with him about it. Gambling, drugs, smoking, gaming...all addictions, and sometimes peeps need an intervention to see what they are doing to themselves, family, and friends.

GL!

I really dont want to cause offence ! I lived with my mum with a lazy husband and two sons, my mum would comment to me about the things he was not doing etc and it would cause upset for me as I knew he was wrong but didnt know how to solve it as I was too busy trying to keep the peace between my mum and him rather than being left alone to sort it out in my own head what to do about it.

My advice is for you to leave things alone and let them get on with it as long as he is not affecting you directly (and not coming to the table does not count as you can ignore it) then leave well alone.

Hehe, no offence, I can see where you were going with that. I suppose there is that...but how long do you wait, when it is affecting you and your family, for things to change? Have you ever played EQ, EQ II, WoW, LOTRO...do you know HOW addicting and life ruining these games can be, and are...I dunno, I am not the end all be all that's for sure, maybe talk with your daughter and see how she feels about it, but approach it carefully, like Tishie says, could be a sore subject with her.

GL!

The cause offence was for Dsh not for you !

Again my thoughts are its nothing to do with you unless it affects you directly then you can ask him to leave your home as you dont like the way he treats it or you husband/wife but you cant speak for your daughter she has to work this out for herself.

dsh,

This must be an extremely difficult situation to deal with. Seeing your son-in-law neglect your daughter and his child for a video game while you're supporting them. You have the added invasion of your privacy of having him in the family room at all times. I cannot even express how much that would irritate me.

If your SIL will not respect your wishes and give you some peace in your own family room, turn off the internet or install parental controls that will limit the hours he has access to the internet.

His grooming habits and relationship with your daughter and grandson are really beyond your control. By picking up his slack you are giving her a reason never to deal with the situation. She married him and had a child with him, it's up to her to deal with it.

Well thank you for all of your comments on here. Sorry I was away for awhile so missed reading them sooner.

There's this job he may be starting soon, so I am praying it will keep him so busy he won't really be able to do much, if any with his game. It may even turn out to be 7 days some weeks on this job. So I/we are praying it will help.

So wanted to share that with you all. Thanks and take care!

Good Luck to you all

It's the same as any other type of addiction, people use it as a clutch to suppress reality. He either needs a big reality check, like some one temporarily turning off the internet, or an intervention. Maybe if people who love and support him say something, he might think twice about his actions. Hope all works out.

I'm sorry , I thought you were talking to me as I was the one that told her to intervene.

At that, and I am sorry, but I totally disagree with what you said. Things don't get better by leaving them alone, as my wife and I can attest to, we and to find out the hard way. If no one knows what's wrong, it can't be fixed.

In any relationship communication has to be there, or everything could fall apart; and in my case it almost did. I was addicted to these games and it was contributory to the over all problem, so, yeah, I know what I am talking about. And to say it isn't affecting her directly, he's in her house, making her miserable, I'd say that's affecting her directly, and he needs to be dealt with. Of course, this is all IMHO, but living it and seeing what it can do...just scary.

You're right ihateit, things don't get better by leaving them alone. But the difference is YOU and YOUR wife needed to fix things in your relationship. dsh74 has legitimate complaints, but her choices are rather limited. Either she can put her foot down, put up with it, or kick them out.

The problems between daughter and son-in-law can only be addressed by those two people. It's frustrating to see your child in a relationship with obvious problems, but the fact remains that when a third party becomes involved they become at best a crutch and at worst a part of the problem.

It's not only battles that you choose to fight, but whether you're entitled to be in the battle to begin with.

Well the job thing fell through. But he has been playing other harmless games, that his wife (our daughter) kind of wanted him to. But thanks here everyone.
May share more as time goes on.

Yes, my problems are mine and my wife's...and for the most part, we have fixed things. This isn't about that tho is it?

The point was I know what it can do, so I am sharing what I feel. I don't feel dsh74 need to address the problems her daughter and her husband are having, but if you read what dsh74 is saying, it's affecting dsh74, and this needs to be dealt with. He's in her house, not helping out, that affects her, no? He's on her computer, maybe she wants to be on it, that affects her no? His lack of wanting to do anything but play EQ is annoying everyone (she said this), that affects her, her husband...so yeah, I disagree again, she needs to tell him her problems with him, I agree, and never did I once say, she need to intervene with the daughter and SIL and their personal problems. Although this is prolly moot now, as it seems he's doing better.

dsh74 I'm so sorry that the job fell through. I really do understand your frustration and the difficult position you're in. It sounds as if things are improving somewhat and that's wonderful. I hope they continue to improve.

I agree with both of you, really. And by the way, he's not on my computer, it's his, I have one of my own. We all do actually, so we're fine there.

I have felt like saying something before, but it has to be right, you know, feel right, timing and all. They even got into it a little the other day, because I had said something to her, that she needs to tell him how she feels. She was cooking something and burnt herself and was upset that he didn't go help her or act like he cared much, the game again.

I think that helped some. I see little things, she may have talked to him and he tries to get away from it and do some things. Still to pay for a game on a monthly basis and talk to people on that game while we're watching some program.

I was so hoping for the job and him being busy, he's willing to work and wants to, to make it and all. I am praying and please if anyone else could with us, I'd appreciate it. Some things need to change.

But yes, I agree that many things won't change unless something is said or done to change that. Then too, I also agree that some things need handled very differently by the mother-in-law, what have you. Anyone that isn't really in that particular relationship.

But yes, if it were to get bad enough, something could be said and some lines drawn, I guess. It does get hard with us all living here, wanting more privacy, quiet time and all. But with our economic times and so much more, who knows what we'll all face, huh? Guess got to be thankful for what we have and hope we can keep what we have!

Well you all take care. Appreciate all this. Till later okay!

Did she come to you and tell you what was on her mind? Or were you "sensing" something was wrong and you brought it up. Like I said, I don't agree with interfering in personal things unless I am directly asked for my opinion.

If you're watching TV, and he plays a game, that bothers you? Why? I know if my wife watches a program that I don't particularly care for, I won't watch it, has nothing to do with her, just don't like the show.

Sooo anyway...I was just using examples (on your computer), but in essence it does affect you, and your home life. He lives in your house and if things bother you about him, not theri personal life, he needs to know. Again, I don't get into relationships, unless specifically asked. But, if the situation was here in my house, and he wouldn't do anything to help around the house, or find a job to help with the bills (especially his game bill), I wouldn't have Internet to his computer, that's me, disagree or not, I don't mind.

dsh74 - this is your home, and you are perfectly within your rights to expect a little peace and privacy from time to time even in a common room. I think I have a pretty good idea on how you feel. We've had several teens move in lock, stock and barrel. The last time I didn't think it would bother me, the girl slept here at least three times a week and was here every waking moment from the time she was 11 so I didn't think it would be that big of an adjustment when they (she and my daughter) approached me about having her move completely in when she was 16.

The first year wasn't bad. There were annoying things that I didn't mind putting up with from my own children, but when it was someone else it really got under my skin. In the summer her boyfriend's family fished in Alaska, so she'd talk to him all night on the computer. At first I didn't mind because even though it was a lap-top, she wasn't doing it in their room keeping my daughter up when she had to work at 5 the next morning. After a while it became extremely annoying that I couldn't even sit in my livingroom in the evening and spend some time with my kids without her being in the room. It wasn't just that she had all of her stuff spread all out taking up the whole room, it was just that once in a while I wanted some privacy. Once in a while I wanted to sit and watch a TV program without her talking into the head-phones or hear the music blarring from them.

I guess I can't really verbalize it properly, it was like she took control of the house. I couldn't clean during the day because she stayed up all night and slept all day. My daughter had to tip-toe around her room and had no privacy herself.

What few rules we had for her: 1) Go to school 2) behave in school 3) do your homework 4) Come home at a decent time or let us know when you're not coming home (had no rules at her home, I never did figure out why she wanted to move from no rules to a house with them)... She broke. I never said a word to my daughter about this, I knew by venting to her, she'd be more defensive of her friend (who has had a difficult life) and that would create a problem between she and I. Eventually though the friend went beyond even her comfort zone, quit going to school without telling us, disappeared for 4 days without telling us where she was or who she was with. My daughter came to me and said she knew we weren't comfortable with the situation and she was uncomfortable trying to cover for her friend at home, school and work.

How does your husband feel about this?