[bemik]

Good Afternoon all-

I am in an extremely difficult situation and require any help I can get.
A little history. I am a male in my early 30's. I'm a recovering alcoholic and have been completely sober for about 20 months. I've seen a wonderful psycologist about once a month who has helped me a tremendous amount. I consider myself successful, but as everyone does, I struggle with a few things. I had back surgury a year ago and had tremendous pain. Nothing would really help and I was taking too many pain meds. This is now remedied as I am on Suboxone. Not only does it work great with stopping pain meds, but it has almost eliminated my pain. Other daily medications that I'm on are Baclofen (anxiety), Prozac (40mg/day), Vyvanse (50mg/day - still my 1st week), and a multi-vitamin. I cannot say enough good things about Suboxone and would highly reccomend it. This is my first week of Vyvanse and I see a change, but we'll see.
I got married last July to a wonderful girl. She is 25, beautyful, high acheiver, and smart. Her biological father had substance issues with alcohol and many other drugs. He left the family when she was extremely young and even though sober now; is in bad health. Her mother is wonderful. She has allowed her father back into her life, but still is angry.
As you may can assume, we are like oil and water. I am an extremely caring person and alway try to put others before myself. She is very blunt and says exactly what is on her mind - like it or not becaue it's "the truth."

About 2 years ago, we made the choise to live together. She had an apartment and lived only with a dog and I had a duplex owned by my family. It's old, but my father hoas some money and to help us get started, asked that we only pay $300 / month rent and that we could stay as long as possible. What a great situation! After living there a couple of months, she decided to pursue her dream of becoming a teacher. She had already graduated from college, but wasn't happy with what she was doing. Because I would do anything for her to be happy and that I try to live by the golden rule (i don't try that hard i guess,) we decided to do it. As of now, she has about 11 months of school left until she has a teaching degree. She is taking as many hours as possible and is working as a teacher's aid to pay for it plus a bit more. The amount that she makes goes straight to saving. I work in information technology and make a fair amount. Thats what we live off of.

Enough with history - Here's why I'm writing:

She is not happy at all! She hates the duplex that we live in. We have been trying to find a house to move to, but she says that we cannot afford it. I know that we can, but we will have to give up a few things. I don't make a ton, but am doing all i can. She is extremely hard on herself and says that she's a failure. We've stepped foot in over 150 houses with an agent that we are taking advantage of. Most nights, we sit there while she yells and screams at me about how I need to get my "*** in gear" and get a better job to support my family. She said I promised her mother that I always would and I don't. I have redone my resume and am activly looking, but am convinced that no looking would be enough for her. She says that we live in a "hellhole." I have let her take complete ownership of the duplex and she gets to design whatever she wants. Night after night she yells at me and tells me the above and I calmly explain my points, then spend the rest of the time trying to calm her down. Sometimes it lasts hours before she gets so upset that she cannot breathe and I hold her and rock her and humm to her until she's okay again. Her fear since we got married is that someday I will leave her. She is convinced of it and you cannot change her mind. She said "my father did and I know that one day you will. One day, I'll wake up / come home and you'll be gone and never come back." We don't have children, but she says that I'd "make a horrible parent because I only care about myself" and that I'd leave them too. The reason that she says this (she's told me) is because she's protecting herself so she won't be hurt too badly when it happens. She refuses help of any kind. Big or small. I tried to get her to ask a friend about a joib and she said that "I've always done things 100% myself and refuse to get help from anyone else." You can only imagine what she said when I suggested counciling.
Now, she's either like the above, or totally nice. No one else sees her "other" side except me so they really don't get it. She is a big sister at BBBS and does a fantastic job. I actually applied there friday to be a big brother, but upon telling her about it, she said that I "couldn't because I can't even take care of my own self - let alone a child. I need to grow up first." Speaking of growing up, the only way she thinks we can afford a house is if I "get off my lazy *** and find a job that pays me what I'm worth." I have given up all things that I like to do to try to make her happy.
A couple of days ago was my birthday. Without saying a word, she left in the morning for about an hour. She came home with some sweats and a present that I really wanted. She said "it's your birthday - you can do whatever you want." She asked if we could go look at some townhomes. We did and then ate lunch. I wasn't feeling well, so I said that I was going to go home and lay down for about 15 minutes. She brought up her phrase that "napping is for lazy people and that it's not good for anything anytime." I did for 30 minutes anyways. She left to drive around and look at more houses.

Quick note - For the past two weeks, she has been a lot worse than normal. She's always mad about everything, crying, yelling, and upset to the point where she doesn't even hardly talk to me. When I see her after work in the afternoon, I run up to her and kiss her, hug her, etc. I tell her many times a day how beautyful she is and smart... She just says "no im not" and never says it to me.

So she arrived home at about 5:00 and asked what I wanted to do for my birthday. I knew that I had options, but since I hadn't even seen her smile in a couple weeks, I asked if we could go ice skating. When we were dating, she said that she always wanted to go, but it was closed every time we tried. I checked and they were open and it was cheap. She asked why - she said I could pick anything - why this? I said for my birthday, I wanted her to be happy for a couple hours.

4-5 hours later, I was holding, rocking, and humming in her ear to calm her back down again. at 11:45pm, I said that I still have 15 minutes of my birthday left - can we please end the day smiling. We went to sleep and started it all over again the next day.

Now I've had a lot of strugles in my life, but I don't know what to do now. Yes, I could leave her and be happy not having to worry, but that's the easy way out. I love her very much and want to help her. I simply don't know how. I'm very sorry for the rambling, but any suggestions would be appreciated. I'm open to anything. If you took the time to read this, then thank you for your time. Have a great day -

I took time to read it but need time to think as my first thoughts are not nice ones about her ....

[JS1scuba]

OK so you are in recovery, her father was in recovery, she's 25 and not getting out of life what she wants. She watched her mother not get what she wanted, and now she is thinking she will repeat the pattern.

Anything that goes right you will not get credit for. Everything that goes bad will be your fault.

Go get some counseling together. Committ to 6 mos of it, you may need sessions for yourselves as well.

Good luck

JDS

you also might want to try codependents anonymous or al-anon as it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of crazymaking behavior.

[prettyjolie]

wow.. i'm sorry that you're going through this.
I am sort of like like that.. i mean it seems like nothing is ever up to my standards. It's terrible because sometimes i get mad at my husband for stupid little things that he does that are not a big deal. I have to remind myself that he's an amazing husband and that i'm being ridiculous. Maybe her expectations are too high and unrealistic as well.
And she seems like she's really afraid of failure.
I definitely think she needs some help.
Since she doesn't want to go for counseling for herself.. why not ask her to go together? Or tell her you think you need it and you want her to be there with you for support. The therapist might be able to get her talking and be able to help her and you as well.
She needs to be able to accept that sometimes you need help from others. And she seems to take out her own angers and frustrations on you.. that's not okay, and u need to let her know that she's hurting you.
And make her aware that you could leave her because of the way that she's been treating you and how unhealthy your relationship is, but that you don't want that. Tell her that you want to be there for her but you need her help.
Good luck.. you're in a tough situation.

[ihateit]

I don't know if it's right or wrong, people will prolly disagree with me, some may agree *shrug*.

I know you're new to the forums (welcome btw), so you haven't read my story. Short of mine is, my wife of 10yrs, 11yrs together, came home a month ago and said she didn't love me, didn't need me, and there was nothing I could do to fix it. Happy ending, right now we are fine and everything is back to normal (only better). How did I work this? I heard what she said, but also listened. She was right about what I was doing to her and our marriage. I told her I loved her and wasn't just going to give up on us. As each day passes, and I don't do what I was doing to ruin the marriage and her trust/faith in me, it gets better. Two days after she said she wanted a divorce (yes that was said), she said she was pretty sure everything would be ok, but she wouldn't marry me again. The other day I asked her to marry me again and she said yes.

What was the turn around, she gave me an ultimatum actually. She didn't want a divorce, she didn't not love me, she had just had it with my controlling and anger, and because she avoids confrontation, she wouldn't tell me again (she had told me many times, but I didn't listen) because she thought I would go into an anger fit, and when my wife has had it she will chew you up and spit you out, she did.

Why all that? Your wife has some kind of disorder. I am not a psychologist, so I can't diagnose it, but it seems very similar to mine. I have a tremendous fear of abandonment, but my therapist (T), is working me through it. My T is great, and I am very glad I got such a good one. You need to, imho, give her the ultimatum. You have to be careful though, be kind and no fighting. You tell her how much you love her and that you wouldn't ever leave her, but with the way things are going you can't live this way, and if she doesn't get help, either by going to see her own T, or going to marriage counseling, or seeing a T together, you will have to, for the time being, be apart. IMHO, if she does love you, and has a fear of you leaving, she will do it, because she can't get better with just your help. My wife has PTSD, I know all about it, I know her stuck points, I know why she can't do things, and why she does do certain things. I help her with everything she needs help with, and I had to tell her to go. I didn't give her an ultimatum, as I don't do that. But, I did tell her all my feelings, we communicated, she listened and is now getting the help (hopefully) she needs. Your wife needs help. It's not an easy road, by far it's very hard, but you married for better of for worse, in sickness and in health...'til death do you part. Divorce IS the easy way out, and should, IMHO, never be an option (well, there are exceptions yes).

You are going to have to make her sit and listen and talk, again, communication. You are going to have to make her see she needs help, and to keep this marriage together, to keep you, she needs to go get help. Again, maybe I am wrong, but, from my experiences and all I have gone through, this is something I feel in my heart that I can I say.

GL, and God Bless!

[lesley99]

It is a tough situation to be in. I congratulate you for staying with her as it would appear that she needs you most now. So far as I can see, you are doing what you can to help her calm down. But also that her perceptions of you are very real to her - that of not being able to provide for her in the form of a better home, and consequently blaming you for it. One could ask why she isn't equally taking responsibility for "providing a beautiful house". It's not the domain of one person to do it in a relationship. She needs help in getting through this thinking. In the meantime, the problem will continue to be real. Although you may not be able to do much about your income situation right now, you might be able to sit down with her to work out your options. Maybe a house is possible but just not right now, but looking at houses, will give you an idea of what your budget is and what kind of house you are looking for. What things can you do to increase income or to reduce spend...? What timeframe are we looking at? In five years? What plans have you got? etc...etc...It gives both of you something to look forward to. Writing it down helps, pictures in a scrapbook etc...and reviewing it helps as you learn more about housing. This may help alleviate the situation whilst she is not prepared to get help yet....

[reach]

This sounds more of a mental problem than a housing/financial problem to me. Even if you could provide her, I am sure there will be something else she would not be happy with. Not that she is intentionally nasty, but because she is in a lot of emotional pain.

The mental state she is in, she sure need compassion but standing by her does not mean letting yourself be abused. I admired your patience and strength. You need to use that asset for a win win situation.

To what I could see, you have 3 choices here

1. To put up with that kind of unhealthy living for the rest of your life
2. To seek help (if she does not, you could for a start)
3. To leave

If it is me, I could not see myself putting up with such.

She is not a bad person, she is very wounded and she definitely need counseling/therapy. At the mean time you might want to get her to try other form of alternative healing like yoga, deep relaxation meditation, Silva mind control, etc that can help ease her anxiety a bit.

Ultimatum might be a way to go if need be. Might sound like a nasty thing but really sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind. I handle my kids with ultimatum a lot of the time. They work very well and I know they will be thankful for it someday.

You must put your foot down if you really want to live a happier life. You can look at it as a measure of saving her sanity and yours as well. And even more importantly for your future kid(s), if you both ever decides to have any. In such an unhealthy situation I would definitely avoid having kids (not that you want to but just a precautionary thought).

I would love to give you and her my heartfelt blessing through this virtual therapy movie. It's a soothing aid for the soul.

http://www.mayyoubeblessedmovie.com/

I wish you both well from the bottom of my heart.

Reach

[rappacinisgarden]

Bemik, wow, I'm glad for your soberness and your personal achievments! I am sure you will reach far.


As for what is happening to your wife, she seems to be the picture of me at this present moment... Let's see, I have been in a relationship for about 8 yrs(started at the same age as yr wife). My bf is a very nice person like you and very comitted. But, as time passed, I realised I was not satisfied with what I had in life; this has created in me a great anxiety... I started to study and improve myself, as yr wife has done. The anxiety which I had inside started to come out; I always had the sensation that whatever I achieved, academicaly, economicaly, etc was not enough and I started to pay it off with my bf. I started to blame him. Why? The first thing is that he had been the person that i have lived with, confided in, etc He was me , my expectations were mirrored on him.Of course, rationally I knew this was not correct. I would yell at him, blame him for everything, and in consequence feel a lot more frustrated. I think your wife is going through something like this. The problem, is not wanting to have a new home, or you fulfilling all her wishes, or even getting a better job; these are all materialistic, even though important, that come on the long run naturally with life; really, I think the problem is the deep insatisfaction she feels and that she's blaming you for it. And it doesn't matter the more you try to consolate her, it's not your fault, she just has to realise what's going on inside her. She has to cool down, take life a little bit more calmly... I think you have done a tremendous job, being on her side all the time. My bf would do just like you, try to calm me down with a hug, gentle words, etc I can remember the tremendous guilt I felt after this, ironically, I felt like a horrible person. And then the circle would start all over again: felt bad-frustrated-}blame on him-}feel guilty.

Conclusion: you have not done anything wrong, on the contrary, you have done the right thing. I am sure it passes her mind, from time to time, how you consolated her, even though her mind is fuzzy right now. What can be the outcome? Well, your wife has to recompose herself; it's something she has to deal with. The thing is, is that she has to be consciouss of this. That would be a start at least. From that point on.. well many things can happen, there could be a change. In my own case, finally I put myself together and made a decision that I needed some time off. I couldn't deal any more with my reactions towards my bf. I realised that this was not normal. We have separated, each our own way. We talk almost every day. I am really glad to have known a person like him. He accepted my decision, I am free to choose. Currently, next monday I am going to the doctor, and start to get myself together again. Still i feel confused. But I have to learn to have patience. About a yr and a half has gone by since this started to happen. Three months ago since I left...

And don't worry of her saying that you are going to leave her. I think this is due to her own feelings of insecurity. Right now I think she is mixing everything in her own mind, past, present and future, It's like an atomic bomb. Probably, because of her insecurity for what she has dealt with in the past. father issue, she is seeing a pattern mirrored on you. I know, it's not pleasent at all, and even it is not fair. Can you make her consciouss of what she is doing to herself and the relationship? I mean, make her think? Maybe, after this she can receive some counceling. Anyway, yes I think she is suffering some kind of disorder or crisis that needs to be dealt with. really, I hope both of you can get over this; and that your wife finds some peace. It's not fair for you to have to fulfil her expectations.. this can even have, ironically, the contrary reaction of what you expect from her(gratitude, happieness,etc). Certainly, she is going to have to deal with herself at some moment Well, I wish you the best. Hope that I have elnlightened even though just a little See u Rap.

[madisgram]

it sounds like to me there are many factors causing distress with your wife and your life in general. have you ever considered therapy for yourself? jme, but i feel that working with a t could help you untangle all this that's going on and help you in the long run. your wife has issues and you have issues. she doesn't want to get help but there's no reason you can't get help. therapy has helped me tremendously to understnad the realtionships i have with others. it has taught me new coping skills to manage my own life better. it also, surprisingly for me, helped me to understand who i was and that i was a good person. hope u will keep us posted on how u are doing.
i'm glad you posted here to seek some answers. i hope mine may help you in some way.

It's good that you're seeing a psychologist. I think she really, really needs to see someone too.

I would give her an ultimatum. Therapy or you leave. She's being abusive and you shouldn't have to put up with that and live that way day after day. She's an adult and she needs to take responsibility for her actions. It doesn't seem fair that you have to take the brunt of her anger constantly.