[Myzen]

Hi Folks,

I would like to share a little about 'rejection sensitivity', both from my observations of others and (sadly) from my own experience. I'd like to know what experiences others on Psych Central have had on this painful subject.

As I understand it, the person with rejection sensitivity has the unshakeable belief that they are unacceptable. This is a core belief which thay think is a fact about themselves (albeit carefully hidden) and which informs their behaviour.

The person with RS will do anything to avoid the pain of being rejected again, and I say 'again' because I believe that this condition arises from being rejected as an infant, and maybe persistently rejected, by a parent. The pain of this experience is buried in the subconscious, but keeps bubbling up in the form of fear of rejection.

Anyway, this is my belief, and fits with my rather useless coping strategies. I have observed these strategies in others, and used them myself, and they seem to be built around the terror of experiencing rejection.

The strategies are:

People pleasing - trying to be so nice that you won't get rejected, which is a tiring and false attitude, which fails at the first hint of rejection because, of course, other people are not playing the same game.

Testing relationships - the opposite of people pleasing. The RS person deliberately pushes other people to reject them, by unreasonable behaviour, and eventually they do, which confirms the RS person's belief that they are unacceptable.

Avoiding reality - This can go from slight to extreme. One is, never extending social invitations but waiting for other's to make the move, another - not applying for jobs or promotions, another - avoiding intimate relationships, and finally - avoiding ALL relationships. This is crippling stuff, which I have been through myself at various stages of life.

The problem is that these strategies are all forms of 'self rejection' as they are firmly based on the belief that the person is unacceptable, that if there is going to be any rejection happening it will be happening to them.

As hard as it is, my belief is that that the only useful strategy in RS is to take some more rejection. This is an agonising experience, (certainly for me), and it seems a lot to ask from someone who is hurting already, but it has something in common with other psychological strategies, such as CBT, as it involves facing up to the problem at the core, facing the fear.

Eventually we might come to realise that a particular friendship didn't work out because the other person lacked some empathy, or that we didn't get that job because we didn't have just the right qualifications, or someone cut us because they were socially narrow minded. These are painful experiences which most people suffer at some time or another, but they are not predicated on the fact that we are peculiarly and uniquely unacceptable.

That's the belief that make the RS life so hellish, and it is false.

I'd like to hear what people feel about this.

Cheers, Myzen.

[nothemama8]

Myzen , you have hit the nail on the head
just because someone else sees us as a non-acceptable person does not mean others do.
This is so appropriate Thank you Myzen
Angie

[Isolated_Guy]

I've never heard of the term RS but that descibes me too well. Even when I'm accepted, there's always that worry in the back of my mind of when the rejection will come. Unfortunately, my only experience with women is having them as friends or good friends. But still, I go through all that up and down emotional stuff when a relationship is developing. It's like when I don't hear from someone after a time I normally expect to, I start to panic. I don't know what will stop the insecurity.

[h0kie]

Wow Myzen...this sounds a lot like my hubby. Well...how he used to be. He was definitely a people pleaser. We used to argue a lot because he would tell me "what I wanted to hear", not what was true.

Then he began avoiding reality...dissociating. The pressure to please his parents, my parents, me became so much that he would "check out". He had a whole new persona where he didn't have a wife to please or take care of.

Luckily, with therapy this has stopped (to my knowledge) and things are so much better. Thanks for posting this, it gives me something to think about.

[Myzen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
there's always that worry in the back of my mind of when the rejection will come. Unfortunately, my only experience with women is having them as friends or good friends. But still, I go through all that up and down emotional stuff when a relationship is developing. It's like when I don't hear from someone after a time I normally expect to, I start to panic. I don't know what will stop the insecurity.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Hi, Isolated Guy - Yes, that's exactly the feeling, just the way that I have it. Sometimes we get so fed up worrying if we have a relationship or not that we kind of give up. I guess the logic we use is that it's not worth the hassle.

Problem is, with that strategy we'd never have any relationships at all!

More normal people don't work like this. IMHO, due to their self confidence, they don't blame absences on themselves, and probably don't think too much about it. Then when the friend contacts them again it's a pleasant surprise. Or maybe they don't mind chasing the friend up a bit, as they don't expect to be rejected.

I have a story for you. I was on a college course once and there was a guy on the course who was a bit of a nuisance. He kept pestering the female course members to go out with him. He just went from one girl to another, and made himself quite unpopular. No one would go out with him, and lots of people complained about his behaviour.

Finally he got to the last girl, a foreigner who didn't speak English too well but who was stunningly attractive and with a lovely personality. He asked her out, and she accepted!

Now they are happily married. I mean, there's got to be a moral in there somewhere. Maybe it's not the 'meek' that inherit the earth but the 'thickskinned'. I've never had that guys confidence due to my illness, and I wouldn't have liked to be like him, but I can't deny that he got what he wanted in the end.

We just have to find other ways. There is something that I do that helps a little with the rejection sensitivity. I go to a meditation/healing group where we just sit together, following a guided meditation. Sometimes we hold hands. In the silence, my sensitivity disappears, and it feels like we are all there together. I don't have to impress anyone, or try to be chatty. I am the only guy in the group, everyone else is female, and it feels OK.

It's a thought.

Cheers, Myzen

[Myzen]

Thanks Angie and 1Day,

I try pretty hard to work this stuff out, and have been doing it for a long time now. Maybe it sounds a bit 'bookish', but that just me I'm afraid.

1Day, Yes it sounds like your partner overdosed on the people pleasing and had to shut down. I'm glad he was able to get some help, and open up to you again.

Cheers, Myzen.

[SeptemberMorn]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
The person with RS will do anything to avoid the pain of being rejected again, and I say 'again' because I believe that this condition arises from being rejected as an infant, and maybe persistently rejected, by a parent. The pain of this experience is buried in the subconscious, but keeps bubbling up in the form of fear of rejection.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

OOOOH! OUCH! You're right. Right about now is when I retreat and search myself to find my thoughts and feelings about the subject to find out where I am, truthfully.

IMHO, no matter how "healthy" I think I am, the fear is always there. Even if I come on as strong and knowing, as much as I hate to admit it, there is a fragile part that will break given the right circumstances.

One coping mechanism I have is to tell myself that I don't care what other people think of me. It works most of the time... except with my family. I don't know if my coping is "right" or not. Gotta think about this.

Thanks, Myzen!

[Wants2Fly]

I am hurting so much today I can't deal in any kind of constructive way with this thread. Great topic, though.

[neri]

oh wow i've never heard about this before, that's so me!! so odd... i mean.. mom and sis have told me that when i was little i didn't like people touching me or picking me up or holding me or anything (still don't) so they just let me be by myself... i don't really think that's rejecting though but who knows.. and i am TERRIFIED of rejection.. from anyone. I've done all that stuff and it has gotten worse up to this point when i just avoid human contact in general (with the exception of my siblings and a couple of other people) ... Especially the testing of the relationship has cost me a lot i realized that i was being out of line and i should stop it, but i just couldn't...

[SeptemberMorn]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wants2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Is there anything I can do?

[Myzen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wants2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

My thoughts as well.

Myzen.

[vacantangel]

That is SO me, it's as if you got inside my mind and my heart and pulled it out. I have done all those things as coping mechanisms and so much more. Strangely, I was just explaining to someone in PM what exactly I do to try to *minimize* the inevitable hurt that I *know* is going to hit me. I'm not sure when and by who but I know it's out there just waiting for the time when I'm must vulnerable, like now. If I were to get hit again now, I would be destroyed, completely destroyed. I'm feeling extremely fragile right now and barely hanging on by a thread as it is. I'm scared, I'm very scared, waiting for it. I want to withdraw back within myself like I did for the last 2 days but I was coaxed out but now here I am feeling very, very raw and extremely vulnerable. I HATE feeling like this. I wish I knew how to feel differently but I don't. So, I sit here like a defenseless lamb waiting to be slaughtered.

[nothemama8]

Anyone ignorant enough to attack someone when there vulnerable is only showing their true colors , meaning that they are more unsecure than you sweetie
Angie

[Myzen]

Hi Angel,

You've summed it up. That's what it can feel like. I only raised the thread because psych central feels like a safe place, and I'm sure it is. The people here understand.

For years I could never mention the rejection feelings, not even to a counsellor, and now here we are sharing. It is frightening to share these feelings, but I think it's better than bottling them up.

I hope it gets easier for you,

Myzen.

[Wants2Fly]

I would like it quite a bit if people with a bit of time would visit my thread on this forum about "Truth Hurts as Much as Lies." I think it is a specific example of rejection sensitivity.

Even though I knew in my heart that I'd been left for another woman -- even though it doesn't matter why one is abandoned abruptly, the pain of rejection will be there -- tracking down the evidence reopened the wound and brought all the pain to the surface again.

I've been asked why I felt the need to do this tracking down of info so long after the bertrayal and abandonment. All I can say that it was as natural to me as breathing. Curiosity and persistence are two of my innate qualities from childhood. I've been trained to investigate as a journalist and academic researcher. I didn't even consider whether finding out this info was "right" or "wrong" -- would be "hurtful" or "harmful." I doodled it around with the search every once in a while, and suddenly the info was there. As I say, not to have found out would have gone against the grain of who I innately am. I was not looking to torture or hurt myself. I hope I'm not too much

[Myzen]

Hi Wants,

I've just read your thread and posted.

Sorry I missed it before.

Cheers, Myzen.

[JayL]

myzen. You sound amazingly wise and knowlegable about psychology, i could easily take you as being a professor. I think the zen thing is the way to go, and can imagine how great of a feeling it must be when your with that group of people and holding hands... (which can cause some nervous anxiety ) and then feeling totally comfortable and taking in the experience. I am definatly suffering from this described ailment and have reached that point of having no relationships to 'avoid all the hassels'. I'll research this and hopefully overcome this in time. thanks-j.l.

[yinperson]

great topic myzen... Its kind of like we all have dual needs within us. One for autonomy the other for communion with others... Just thinking about this issue right now it seems that fear of rejection may be in inbalance towards the communion side of the street . Ie because of lack of self-esteem and healthy autonomy or healthy self assertion we become overly sensitive to rejection and dependent upon approval of others... (instead of having healthy communion balanced and off set with self-esteem and self assertion we are overly dependent on the group- our communions to support and approve of us) Many people actually have opposite imbalance too self assertive and not enough mutuality (or sensitivity) with others... Anyways from what I have read on this topic (though this is easier said then done) the cure for this is of course desensitization and this means risking self-assertion... "Ellis" founder of Rational Emotive Therapy spoke of his own crippling shyness... The way he overcame it was by sytematic de-sensitization. He was a man terrified of giving talks, talking to women and the like... When he was a young man one summer he gave himself assignments every day to approach pretty women at a beautiful park and just talk with them a bit... In this and all other areas he sytematically desensitized himself to fear of rejection... (terrified of speaking he looked for opportunities to give speeches) was he rejected some yes... Did it end his life, no... (and he became one of the most successful and famous therapists in the world) Again this is easier said then done (and I say this out of my own fears-if one is going to give advice on should live by it!). .. I think the causes are, of course, multi-determined ie genetics, early childhood, etc etc etc... Your meditation group sounds like an excellent place to be. Meditation itself is training in sitting with and not avoiding and bringing awareness too all these fears (or whatever else arises)or overwhelmed feelings these raw sensitive feelings letting them be... (there are of course different methods of meditation- some more concentrative and some more just sitiing but both I beleive train us in this way) When we do this we dis-identify with them... Instead of being had by them we transcend them in our own awareness and realize we are bigger then them... In this way we can integrate them into ourselves and move on in peace and good will... I think that by integraing them we also will be re-intagrating great energy that has been split off into the anxiety fear avoidance complex's...

[yinperson]

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

hang in there angel girl... I know how you feel... I sometimes have feelings of extreme vulnerability especially if i have been isolated for some time... Something that comes to mind here is something I heard about tibetan buddhism... Apparently before they recieve further training the novices have to make something like 50'000 full prostrations in order to help them diminish their ego... Well what I heard is that for women they should reverse this practice (and for anyone with acute rejection sensitivity) and do 50,000 stand-ups instead... Sorry about the "religious" content, I use it only as a psychological example... Please just know that you are not alone remember me and many others sometimes (more or less) experience same raw vulnerability you feel... Your description was really vivid... I am very uncomfortable when I feel this way but instead of closing down I try to open to it... to allow it fully instead... not split away from it.... Otherwise (if sucked into negative thought cylce) I think may be good to go for a walk... find something to do that you could become absorbed in...find someone else who needs help and help them... I am so sorry you feel this way. I think you are doing a great job of keeping getting up - keeping fighting for yourself and I am proud of you.

[sierralover]

Very intereresting thread here that I need to think on some more. I am definetely sensitive to rejection, I am pretty much housebound. Once a week maybe I can get out to dinner with Hubby and I am so grateful to have communication with a human being. We live in a town that is full of tourists so most people that I will meet will not become more than "Single serving friends" I turn down most invites except to a few places because of my fears regarding my health. They can be embarrasing at times. But I have a question also here, I find I do this to my hubby, and thankfully he loves me, but I push him away, knowing in my deepest heart that I am not worthy of his love. Why do we do this?? It hurts him deeply when I get in that mode and I am just grateful that he has never left me, his love is all that keeps me going . Not a question just rambling sorry. Linda Thanks <font color="black"> </font>

[yinperson]

I just want to add something I just looked up to try to help linda
"in a similar vein, one of the most common complaints of people seeking emotional counseling is that they feel rejected. They feel that nobody really likes, that nobody cares for them, or that everybody is overly critical of them. Often they will feel that this is doubly unfair because they basically like everybody. They feel that they pretty much lack any rejecting tendencies in themselves. They bend over backwards to be friendly and uncritical of others. But these are exactly the two distinguishing marks of projection: you lack the trrait, everybody else has lots of it. But as every child knows "it takes one to know one" The person who feels everyone is rejecting them is really one who is totally unaware of his own tendencies to reject and criticize others. These tendencies could be a minor aspect of his personality, but if his is unaware of them, he will project them on everybody he see and knows. This multiplies the original impulse, and so the world begins to look ominously critical of him in proportions that are simply not there. The point, true of all projections, is that some people may indeed be very critical of you. But this won't overwhelm you unless you add to their criticism your own projected criticism. Thus anytime you feel intense feelings of inferiority and rejection, it would be wise to look first for a projection, and admit that you can be a little bit more critical of the world then you know." (ken wilber no boundary pg.96)...

Wise words to remember for all of us probably... any way just as an addition to my exhortation to stand up I highly reccommend exercise walking jogging weightlifting or some sort of all body tensing (whatever) which exercises our assertion and has so many other benefits.... As far as Linda it might be that you are rejecting him before he can reject you....(in order to protect yourself from rejection intimacy getting trampled hurt) (or feeling hurt and thinking he would be inadequate to you pain anyways so you punish him push him away reject him)... Also in this dynamic it seems like maybe testing his love... I am hurt no one loves me you love me but I feel unworthy and black so I will push even you away and stay in this feeling that is all I really know....it is safe and strangely comfortable... means I wont have to break through my shell and step into the unkown... it is a defense... Only reason I have any clue (maybe) as to what you are talking about is because I do or have done same thing.... I will have to ponder this some more though...

[Myzen]

Hi Yinperson,

I'm interested in what you say about projection, which I have always found difficult to understand and you have really helped me - thanks. It might be simplified by thinking that if we are angry we tend to see anger in others, if we are happy we tend to see happiness in others.

One simple exercise that I do (I've mentioned this before somewhere) is to take a walk in town. When I see someone I don't know I smile at them and say 'Good morning' or 'Nice day today'. 90% of the time the person will smile back and say something nice. Even if they have been a bit self absorbed they will snap out of it and be polite. But some people, very few, are just gruff and ignore me or give me a hard look.

Now, the point of the exercise is to fully experience the encounter with polite people and the gruff people. For this to work, the people need to be strangers, so that there is no history between us. To them I'm just a friendly citizen, being polite.

The key here, is that I try to feel their response, and add nothing of my own. If they are polite, it's not my issue and if they are gruff, it's not my issue. I find that doing this exercise now and then reminds me that people are often just the way THEY are and that is not always my responsibility. I'm not to blame for those gruff ones, it's their call.

So refreshing.

Cheers, Myzen.

PS - Of course lots of factors could effect an exercise like this, so I'm not claiming that it's science, just a helpful way to get outside my own issues for a while.

i've been a member of al-anon for years and one of the first things i learned was about projection.....seems that we might not be as important to everyone as we think we are and they might not be noticing or rejecting us at all....i've kept this close and i can deal better when i go back to it.....

[yinperson]

I guess for me the real issue here is not rejection sensitivity... Even to say this to me gives too much power to others... I own my own autonomy too much...I do not allow myself to be ever swept away. I stand up for myself always... (unless for some political reason it is unwise of not efficacious to do so) And if I am in too far over my head for the moment i don't drown myself I just retreat for the time being and marshall my forces.... For me the real issue I was talking about with raw vulnerability was more related to going beyond my safety zone into the unknown... I definately have very expansive explorative "astronaut" dispostion combined with sensitivity... The vulnerabilty I talk about can happen when I have spent a lot of time alone for a couple of days. For whatever reasons I can tend to lose ground a little and I feel open to the utterly naked vastness and bigness and aliveness (and insecurity as the condition of this aliveness) of the moment...(I sense the largeness of life happening everywhere in all the billions of people (or at least the ones I see or think about in my awareness at this time and in this state this is enough) each with their own drama and life and all happening in this naked moment) (Life itself in its naked existence just hits me hard... that it is really happening... (I have also been meditating for years and this is definately a factor to opening like this ) This is the vulnerabilty I am talking about-- (what is my connection to this world that I am in or if I am clearer that I find within my own awareness) For me this is always the issue... steping into the unknown embracing change and necessary insecurity as the creative condition of life... This also can come to the fore around others... But for me not sure if rejection sensitivity (though maybe in a way) Being with others (strangers especially) challenges us to live in the moment without a net without sure rules or compass or not sure of rules you do have pushing the edge.... This edge is where life really creatively happens...I am not afraid of rejection I am afraid of life...and so is the other person... though some are better fliers then others.... and this is exactly how it is and should be as the very condition of life's creativity... I am allowing this more and more in my life...embracing and welcoming fear allowing it totally and not looking away... Looking at it totally and allowing it to creatively transform me into a creative solution or movement... pushing the edge living in the unknown playing by ear... much more growthful and satisying... I think many conditions and emotional psychological problems stem from the fear of really living (living at this necessarily insecure edge). Instead of living it is safer to stay with what we know... We fear this necessary condition of life and hence we never learn to fly... this is where all the action is for me now.. Learning to fly...Which necessarily means leaving the nest behind and responding/adapting to conditions of life as they present themselves fully embraced in the moment... (and its beautiful and flowing when we hit it when we hit flow in flying) This is what flying is... When I shut down it is closing down this awesome awareness and necessarily insecure creativity which can be overwhelming sometimes... (too much turbulence- too mcuh newness - too fast etc..) This is the time to slow down and pull back a bit for a bit in an adaptive rather than maladaptive manner.... For me meditation=best centering when gets too much too fast change etc.. When I was little the big deal was to be swimming in the deep end of the pool... Thats where I am right now and it is very exciting but sometimes insecure... swimming in the deep end without a full net...

[yinperson]

Re: Rejection Sensitivity

Well I wrote the above very tired and without enough space to see whole clearly... Today (before I logged on) I felt some rejection sensitivity in thinking I had overstepped myself.. Displayed too much assertion... Maybe probably I did... no responses so perhaps "rejected" somewhat here... This is fine and good if it is so or if it is not... My own rejection sensitivity here helps me correct my flying course with other people, because there is flying alone sometimes and there is flying with other people... Flying with other people is where rejection sensitivity comes in... Ellis who I talked about earlier in his book" How to control your anxiety before controls you " Spoke of a client of his who was overly boisterous as a child... too much on the assertion side of the street without listening sensitively to her communions with the group... Therefore she overstepped the "line" so to speak and was, I guess, rejected... now at a certain age belongings needs come to the fore as we adjust to our social surround... To be rejected is to be plunged into pit of isolation/devestation drowning because not getting needs met... In order that this rejection never happen again this woman into young adulthood (who was formerly a little too outgoing and mischievous etc.) became extremely timid... You see she did not want to be "punished" again... It was too painful... She became overly sensitive with herself and avoided social contact etc. etc. etc. (rejection sensitivity) Well ellis always prescribes homework in sensitization... He had the woman do such things as take her pet banana (i.e. something others would think is crazy strange bizarre etc.) for a walk (in front of others etc.)... She became progressively more at ease with herself and became acculturated into normal adult relations no longer fearing a replaying of the devastating rejection (isolated from getting needs met) tape of childhood.... When I was looking at this this morning lots of ramifications here and I am sure I wont see all of them... 1st example +boiserousness... Another might be shy kid (genetically or whatever) doesn't speak up and more dominant kids are in control... Now a wallflower and if does start to assert maybe not as strong as other boys (or as pretty as other girls) (in our culture) and they according to biological morality at this age dominate to assert their own or their own and there groups dominant position... therefore again one starts out shy for whatever reason and again learns to avoid speaking up or may fear it feel anxiety because was punished (dominated put into "place" when younger... I am sure that childhood with mother comes into play here too... Karen horney 3 neurotic strategies at this site

file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/default/My%20Documents/Misc/Karen%20Horney%20lecture.htm

Another would be around area of opposite sex... Again were rejected... learned response and avoidance of this punishment in future at all costs... I think these factors are at work in every life... And again it just means getting back up when knocked down and trying again guided with whatever wisdom we can draw upon... With this problem I think we need to keep remembering our inner rock star... its a lot of fun and very exciting... breaking boundaries growing creatively into the new.

found this
Studies have shown that the information in peoples environment can greatly affect them without them even being aware of it. Other studies have shown that certain people have attentional biases toward either threatening, or rejection information, which in turn perpetuates their sensitivity to rejection and could cause them to develop low self-esteem. Our studies have shown that people with low self-esteem have an attentional bias for rejection and people with high self-esteem do not. The purpose of the EyeSpy project is to help change peoples attentional bias for rejection, more specifically to teach people with low-self-esteem to ignore rejection information.


see also

rejection Sensitivity Questionnaire ttp://www.people.virginia.edu/~psykl...%202004/Ho.ppt

from rocks to rockstars to sages evolution's going somewhere