My girlfriend or my cat? Is this a choice I should even have to make???

My girlfriend suffers from an array of depression, dissociation, social anxiety, and probably a few other things. When I first met her, she was starting to fall downwards. These days, almost EVERYTHING is a trigger. The one that sticks out the most now, is one of my two cats.

She's fine with my boy (most of the time). He can be really needy, which irks her sometimes, but that's just how he is.

She CANNOT STAND my girl. She was fine with her for the first... 5 or so months. Then we started living together. Since then, my little Fifi has been "the bane of her existence." Recently, in some of her angrier dissociative episodes, she's even threatened Fifi physically, which I refuse to stand for.

Now, she's trying to make me choose between her and my cat. I feel somewhat manipulated here, as I love both dearly and feel like this is NOT a choice I should have to make. She claims that she "just cannot deal with her." The cat does glare at her, but mostly when she and I are having close time together (typical jealous cat behavior). My girlfriend takes it personally, and calls my cat a *****. A couple minutes later, Fifi will even come up and curl up on my girlfriend's lap.

Usually, if there's something she can't handle, I try my best to alter the situation to make it so that she can handle it, but here, I just can't get rid of my cat, and I just can't get rid of her. We're in a studio apartment. The only places she and the cat can be separated are the closet and the bathroom. She hid in the bathroom breaking down, telling me she couldn't come out unless Fifi went away. I shut myself and Fifi in the closet so Fifi wouldn't think she had done something wrong, and apparently my girlfriend went out for a walk (I didn't hear it until she came back in). She told me to come out of the closet, said it was okay for Fifi to come out too... now SHE is in the closet.

This is getting a little ridiculous for me. What on earth do I do here? She says she just can't handle it, but it seems like there isn't a whole lot she CAN handle right now. I feel wrong telling her to "just deal with it," but how much more can I let this go on?

Help anyone? x.x

~TheDeliciousDish

Keep the cat.

Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

There's not a choice to be made. It's not a "pick the girl or pick the cat" thing. The question is, how do I make the situation livable for all parties, since all involved need to be considered.

Update: She said she feels hurt that I choose the cat over her, yet continues saying that she hasn't made me make any choice.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

Delicious Dish,

I agree with Pachyderm. Keep the cat.

As far as the girlfriend is concerned, find another.

Your girlfriend has way, way, way too many problems that can be overcome by your love and caring.

So don't waste another second of your time kissing a frog (your girlfriend) in hopes that she'll one day turn into a princess. It just ain't going to happen, my friend!

Dump her and move on! Clear enough?

I appreciate that you both are trying to help. Really, I do.

However, it's my personal philosophy not to turn my back on those I love, even when things are really looking somewhat... impossible. I realize there's a wide array of problems there, and that they won't simply be fixed by love and care.

Throwing her out on the doorstep isn't going to work. If anyone can help me on how to possibly work through the problem, that would be amazing.

One person who knows animals wrote that a cat will go to a person who is not looking at the cat, because stares are not good in the animal world, and if you look at a cat it may think you are staring at (challenging) it. So, she says, people who do not like cats do not look at them, thus attracting the cat!

Hi Delicious

You know I used to be a lot like you.

I would never ignore anyone who needed my help... however I came to realize in some cases, that by putting up with the pain, drama and even the abuse, in the slimmest of hopes that the person would someday become better, that I was in essence, "turning my back" on myself and my own needs and desires.

I guess life and all its issues and problems is like the Kenny Rogers song, "The Gambler" in a way:

"You gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, know when to run."

In the case of your girlfriend, even if you do resolve this issue with the cat, I am sure your girlfriend with all her problems will create some other major dramas for you in the future. And I suspect at some point, you will reach your fill of all of it.

Anyway... with all that being said, I will step down from my soapbox now as it's your life.

However, if you are trying to find a way for your girlfriend and your cat to get along, perhaps you need to check with a big pet store. It seems like there ought to be some kind of large screened playpen or something that you could put your cats into when your girlfriend is around or in a particular room.

Good Luck to you,

Peppermint Patty

First: I'm assuming your GF is on medication to help deal with stuff? And is also in therapy? Perhaps this is something SHE should be trying to work out in therapy - not you having to "solve the problem". It's *your* life and *your* cat, not hers.

I've met phobic people who don't like animals before. They just don't come over to my place. So here are your options as I see it (in no particular order):

1) She can move out and you two can spend time outside of the apartment.
2) She can stop trying to manipulate you and realize that the cat is staying.
3. You wait until the cat's life has passed and just don't get another one.
4. You can dump the girlfriend.
5. You can rehome the cat.
6. You can train your gf to deal with the cat. Desensitization works wonders for phobias.
7. You can move into another place where you can more successfully separate your gf and your cats.
8. You can buy/create some sort of barrier to put the cat into where it's the "can't see them, can't hear them, thus they don't exist" phenomena
9. You can have a sit down chat with the gf and ask her specifically what she wants you two to do about the situation. Make it clear that getting rid of the cat is not an option.
10. You can find another gf who likes animals and thus it wont be an issue.

My suggestion?

This is something SHE needs to work out in therapy. It's your life and your cat. If she chooses to not go along with what you want in your life - then she'll leave. Because if you bend and compromise what you believe and what you want in this situation for what *she* wants... you'll wind up resentful and hurt. And if the situation stems from the fact that you no longer have the cat, and she leaves because you're resentful and hurt - then you're left alone. Which is not cool.

why would you even consider doing that? i wouldn't let anybody have that type of control over my life. it's like m boyfriend telling me i can't keep my kids or something, screw that. i would tell her to either accept you the way you are or get out. the cat is apart of who you are, it's your pet.

This is not a choice you should have to make, but... read on

I am an animal lover who once had to make a choice between my boyfriend (future husband) and my beloved cat, Brodie. It was for allergy reasons, not emotional ones, however.

I feel for you. That's a hard place to be. I would say you need to realize that your girlfriend's feelings towards your cat are NOT RATIONAL. They are not at all reasonable or sane.

I now have three cats, because we found a medication that works for my husband's allergies, thank goodness. I've also got two dogs, and have fostered many animals and worked in shelters.

ANIMALS ARE NOT HUMANS, AND THEY DO NOT SHARE THE SAME EMOTIONS AS WE HAVE!!!! Yes, they do have emotions and they have incredible ways of "reading" us and our moods, just as we develop a good sense of them and their moods, too, when we know them well. But animals do not have emotions such as vengance, jealousy, resentment, or other complex things that humans feel. We interpret that animals feel these things, but they don't. They are great, but they are different.

Your girlfriend is obviously projecting some of her issues onto your cat. Your cat is the current target/scapegoat. This is unhealthy. Chances are, if you were to get rid of the cat, your girlfriend would eventually find another being on which to project her issues.

She needs a lot of help to get through these things.

However in the meantime, it might be good to find a temporary place for the cat to stay while your girlfriend works on her issues.

With my beloved cat, Brodie, who had to leave because of my future husband, I found a friend who reluctantly agreed to keep Brodie for a while until we could find a better, more permanent home for him. Guess what happened. My friend fell in love with Brodie. This was ten years ago, and she still has him. It wasn't so temporary after all! But he is happy and she is happy, and it all turned out well. I missed Brodie very much when I had to give him up, but was glad he went to a good, loving home.

Was it worth it? In other words, am I glad I essentially traded my cat for my husband? Yes, I am. My husband is great and we are very happy. So my question for you is, would you be able to say the same in a few years if you ended up with the girlfriend but without the cat? How about vice versa?

Do you have a temporary place the kitty could go while the girl works on her many issues? It might diffuse the tension and take the focus off the cat issue.

It's hard to find such a place, but you might be surprised by the results if you really look hard.

Hope this is helpful. Good luck and take care, and keep letting everybody know about what's happening! Lizzy B

A hug for you

When I was dating my now husband, I moved to the apartment complex he lived in and directly across the parking lot from him (so I looked out my apartment's sliding glass patio door over to his apartment's sliding glass patio door). I "lived" with him though and noticed a stray cat I started feeding, against his wishes :-) out on his patio. It was getting late in the year, October/November and started to get colder so I had a wooden beer case I outfitted with towels and made him a warm nest in it for him to sleep in. My husband/boyfriend was adamant about not wanting the cat/don't bring him in my apartment, etc.!

The day came when it was getting too cold and I couldn't stand the idea of the cat being exposed to the cold so I had to think in terms, "cat or my true love?" I chose the cat and that evening told my boyfriend I was taking him in/keeping him (in my apartment) taking him to the vets to be checked out, etc. I steeled myself as I thought I was wrecking my life/happiness. My husband was fine/as long as I kept the cat in my apartment, no problem! :-) However, we moved within the year to a house and, you guessed it, the cat came with us and was an "outdoor" cat and "ours" for the next 15+ years. My husband came to care for the cat over time and now we have two :-)

Maybe you can get a larger place or change situations so she and the cat aren't as "together"? I would have a literal heart-to-heart conversation with her and explain to her in actual words that you love/care for the cat and you love/care for her (differently, there's no "competition" it's like loving your mother and girlfriend at the same time :-) so she understands that a lot of the "choice" is her responsibility, not yours. You have chosen the cat AND her and it's her responsibility to decide what she wants to do about that. But like I say, if your girlfriend moved in with you, into your place, maybe you all can go out and find "our" place that is big enough, has a way, to get the cat out of her space some of the time (where she has her own room the cat isn't allowed in, that sort of thing)?

If that's not possible, I'd try to exclude the cat from some areas of the place you are now, the bedroom, for example, and/or maybe restrict it for awhile each day in rooms you aren't in together, etc.

maybe your gf and the cat could work with some sort of pet behavioralist/trainer to work out their differences. i know there are trainers for dogs for all sorts of behavior problems so i bet some work with cats too. good luck.

i do hope your gf is getting psychological help as it sounds like she really needs it. if she isn't maybe this is a good opportunity to bring it up.

Hi,

I don't post in this section too often.

I have to say that I can agree with Christina86's and LizzyB's points of view. I'm sorry you are having to feel like you have to choose.

It does sound like your gf may be attempting to manipulate you...possibly...to see how much she can get by.

That being said, there truly could be some emotional reason for your cat to be triggering her. Maybe she had a bad experience with a cat that looks like Fifi a long time ago.

Regardless....I also agree that this is something that your gf should be working out in treatment. I would suggest not getting rid of the cat. It is your baby, and hopefully, your gf is your baby, just in another way. But just getting rid of the cat and avoiding the underlying issue is not going to help your gf in the long run. I would think it would be a better thing to face this irrational issue than to just run away and avoid it.

Good luck to you, your gf, and your furry family!!

It's difficult for me to understand that how difficult it is to get rid of your cat, becuase I don't own any pet. However, I can see my friends who have pets are really attached to them.
You sound very loving and caring person. Good for you.
Just keep in your mind that human life is more precious than animals. We are master of all animals. So, you can't really compare your cat with your girlfriend in term of choosing....Probably, you should tell your girlfriend that there is no comparison here...same as you can't compare apple to a chair!!! can you? so, try to talk to her that the poor cat won't have any place to live and tell her that you will try to find a way....and comfront her that she is being loved by you....and you just feel pitty for a cat now!!!
My boyfriend has a cat, a female cat. and honesty, I don't like living with animal. It's a cute cat, but she's bugging me the whole night when I'm there sleeping over....Thursday night, I couldn't sleep the whole night, becuase she was jumping on us and honesty I was thinking how unthoughtful my boyfriend is not kicking the cat out....but thank god, he did finally, he closed the door...when at 5:30am...and then I could sleep....yes, I can see the cat as a problem in future if I want to move with him...I love dog, but I'm not into cats....I don't find them friendly at all...however, I won't bother myself thinking about it now....as it comes the time, I will deal with it....and the cat is so cute....but I don't see the cat giving any kind of affection...my ex boyfriend has a dog and I really miss the dog yet...although, I didn't want the dog to sleep in our bed!!!
I know most likely you talked to your girlfriend already, but try it again....and I hope this time it works....
also, you can get a small place for the cat and put her there while your girlfriend is around....animals don't have the same feellings as us....they are just animal...your love life is more important than your pet....
good luck
Marjan

Keep the cat. Tell her to get help or leave. You are not the one choosing the cat over her...she's choosing that you are not worth putting up with the cat for.

The cat was there when she moved in, right? I agree with what LizzyB said. You fold here, then your other cat will be a target...then your human friends & family...then imagined friends...
stand your ground

Yeah I agree.
It might be the cat right now, but it will turn into something else in the future. Are you planning on marrying her? What happens if you have children, would she be doing this to the children who want your attention too. Just something to think about!

Thank you all for your advice. It's nice to hear a bunch of different perspectives on the issue.

We've talked a lot about it since then. A lot of it does actually stem from an issue she had with a previous cat. She feels like she's "cheating" on her cat who passed away when she was in high school by loving my cats (and even sometimes loving me). She was really close to that cat. They were practically inseparable, from what I hear, and before what was supposed to be a routine operation, she didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her cat.

Sometimes, just seeing a cat will trigger her into memories of her cat, and understandably, it hits her hard.

The issue at hand is her being able to deal with things in general, which I guess should be a different post. She's been having an increasingly hard time dealing with just about anything. We run into conflicts when I become exhausted and feel unable to do certain things as well. Just today, we ran out of coffee in the apartment (TRAGEDY). For reasons of social anxiety and exhaustion, she didn't want to go, and for reasons of exhaustion myself, I didn't want to go, and it just blew up. Granted, I think we're both just tired and cranky at this point, but just a small example.

I do have fears that this will ultimately become a problem. My patience is just about endless. If it stays that way, we'll be totally fine. If it doesn't though, I have worries.

Please try not to take the previous example as the only sort of thing that comes up... it's just the most recent one. The question I guess is... does anyone know any coping tools I might be able to help her with? I think we both could benefit from it. So many things are triggers which get her into an emotional state where she can't do anything, and I am needed to do lots of things for her to help her become stable again. This is fine normally, but if a random day hits where I just don't have a whole lot of energy... there are problems.