Was I Out of Line? (Possible Trigger??)

I've written previously about my strong attraction to and deep feelings for T. I felt for about a year that I was really in love with him and had non-stop obsessive thoughts about unfulfilled longing of wanting to be with him. After much soul searching (mostly done on my own through writing) I came to terms with the root cause; that it was related to childhood SA by my father and lack of emotional connection to both parents, and life-long feelings of not being worthy of love. We've been doing some really good hard deep work since I revealed all of this to him. Our work has really moved forward.

In addition to providing therapy, he also offers a monthly meditation and spiritual growth class, which is held in his home. His office is also in his home, in a finished basement with a separate entrance. He has been very guarded against self-disclosure of any kind, so I know relatively nothing about his personal life. He asked me awhile back if I would be interested in the class, since these are very important areas for growth in my life, so I agreed. The class is promoted online through a website, and people who want to join can post their pictures and write comments. So I saw the pictures and little blurbs about who would be there and thought nothing of it. Fine, these (all women) look interesting, looking forward to the class.

So, I show up for the class and a woman introduces herself and I recognized her from the website. Through casual conversation I soon figure out that she is T's live-in partner. He never introduced her as such, just left it for me to figure out. I found this difficult, I guess because I was just resolving these huge transference issues and felt a little blindsided that T didn't let me know the woman he loves would be there and that might be challenging for me to deal with. I wrote him an email telling him I thought it was insensitive that he didn't share with me ahead of time that I would be meeting the woman in his life. I had to deal with them making loving glances at each other all evening. I just wish he had given me the heads up so I would have been prepared, since he was initiating there being a dual relationship. He doesn't quite get why this was hard for me and thought I'd have figured out he lived with someone because once in a while there's another car parked there, and that I'd be interested in meeting her! Thought this was a little narcissistic, but anyway..

I feel so stupid, so adolescent. I'm in my fifties for crying out loud and happily married. I just still feel so fragile with all of this.

I don't think he's worked out his own oedipal issues. what he did was sadistic, and/or shows an extreme lack of therapeutic insight. I would tell him so, and if he doesn't get it, I would find another T. otherwise, you layer this damage on top of the childhood issues, then i'm not sure you're out of the woods! But what HE did is adolescent and hostile. Your reaction is perfectly understandable.

IMO, knowing that his clients would be there and given that any of them might have transference issues (you were brave enough to share, some others might not have been at that point to be able to), it wasn't appropriate for him to have his partner there. I don't think that your email was out of line and perhaps after self-reflection he might come to the conclusion that he made a mistake. How he handles this situation will tell you a lot about how he is as a T. I really respect Ts who are able to admit mistakes and apologize. Those who never admit they are wrong or even willing to admit to clients that they have done self-reflection are not effective to me. Modeling is an important thing for my therapy given my parents who never admitted they were wrong, a bad habit that I picked up and am re-learning through good models like my current T. If he does admit responsibility, it will still need some working through, which will be hard on your part. Good luck!

Your post earlier this year? last year? about a T's apology and its effect on you is still fresh on my mind

Thanks everyone for the support. It just really doesn't feel safe to see him, I don't feel that he was looking out for me. It's so tricking with dual roles anyway, he really should have thought it through better. And his email back to me was more of a non-apology apology ("I regret that you're upset), kind of BS. I've been thinking it's time to wind down anyway. He plays a little too strong a role in his own life, if you know what I mean!

Wow, I would be devastated if I had ever seen T with her husband! EVEN IF I knew she was married

My T lives with his girlfriend. That's never been any kind of secret though; there is a great picture of the two of them in his office and her refers to her from time to time as they head up to parents' in Arkansas for holidays regularly. She also helps him instruct his evening yoga/cbt/mindfulness classes; she's a certified yoga instructor. There are few other instructors and therapists involved also.

Sounds like your therapist thought he had been fairly transparent about his relationship, but apparently it wasn't as he thought. The email was probably a smart idea and will give him something to consider before your next session. It's something the both of you clearly need to talk through. Hope it works out.

You're not out of line at all! Goodness. Everything Hankster said.

I get what you're saying about the heads up. It would have been nice for you to be able to make the choice whether you'd be ready for that or not. His excuse is lame and doesn't make any sense. If he thought you wanted to meet her, all the more reason to tell you she'd be there. Or at least be the one to introduce you and make it at least a teeny bit less awkward and mind-gamey -- I mean even if you knew he had a live-in girlfriend, and it was open and on the table, it would still be weird of him to let you figure out it was her on your own rather than say, "Oh! Let me introduce my partner, X." In summary, he's at the very least guilty of being stupid and avoidant, and at worst, it is a little sadistic.

The loving glances: barf. That is not a pleasant surprise. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

ETA: meant to say before that just because you know he lives with someone doesn't mean you also know she's in his meditation group! MAKES NO SENSE.

Lol Sally, wish we had an emoticon for inserting finger down one's throat!

Well, after many emails back and forth, he still was not able to own the fact that he really screwed up. I just feel like he really put me into harms' way, emotionally. He alluded more to how we choose our thoughts, that this was a "perceived" slight and that I've been clinging to reactivity. There are names I'd like to write of what I'd like to call him, but they are not forum-friendly. I am proud that I'm really drawing a line in the sand and saying that this is completely unacceptable. Months prior, I would have literally swallowed the upset with lots of food and felt wrong or bad that I was hurting so much. So I've really learned a lot, both about myself and T. What a freakin narcissist! Felt so good to say bah-bye!

O.m.g. My T apologizes up one side and down the other (at the next session) when he sends me texts intended for his gf (it's only happened twice, they just say like 'see you soon'). but at least he acknowledges how it would make me feel! in the transference, out of the transference, whatever! I mean, I don't really want to HEAR it, but at least he OFFERS some sympathy. idk, your guy reminds me of a hippie time guru with a following of free-love women - nice work if you can get it

You keep calling him a narcissist. Why? Doesn't sound that way at all. So he has a girlfriend. Yes, he might should have clarified that to you, but the fact that he doesn't feel meeting his girlfriend would be this intense for you doesn't make him a narcissist. Maybe not understanding of your thinking at this point, but that can be talked through in session. It is good that you are communicating your hurt and anger to him; now, slow down, sit down with him, and talk it through.

Kirby, I'm so glad that you're seeing how much you've grown! This is an uncomfortable situation, but it's so great that you're focusing on the silver lining--it was an opportunity for growth that you seized. Way to go!

Because I had extreme transference and was under the illusion that I was in love with him for a year and a half and he knew this. As my therapist, he should have had the sensitivity to know coming into his home and meeting his partner would be a challenge. Instead, he thought that I would be dying to meet his lover. Then he couldn't admit that he f'ed up and put it all on me. He never apologized. I call that narcissistic behavior. There have been lots of other things that I've observed over our time together that lead me to think this way. He still is very invested in his resume. He calls himself a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, but he actually didn't attend Harvard MS, he did a fellowship at one of their programs. He had a sexual transgression years ago with a female client and lost his medical license, but sweeps it under the rug. I simply don't trust him anymore, and I have learned in my 54 years that if I don't listen to my intuition, it won't be good.

This is very, very bad. Based on what you said in the post and this information, it sounds like he has serious boundary issues. Get out now!

I'm out! It really feels like the right decision.

Great for you taking good care of yourself!

So, if you you knew about all of this, why on earth did you keep going? Even with the whole transference thing, the whole losing your license thing would generally send most people running the other direction. Meeting his girlfriend seems like a bucket in the sand compared to the rest. Move on. Move on.

That must have been hard for you. Is it possible that your T is entering into a duel relationship with you by having you attend his class? I know my own T would not see me as an individual client while I was still in her CSA support group(she was the leader) because of this very reason.

Yes Butterflies, but things had been going so well and we had such a strong connection that I think we both thought it would be no problem. The fact that he didn't prepare me for meeting his partner wasn't really what caused the break; it was his condescending email comments when I was trying to explain why I was so upset. He displayed a complete lack of empathy, which was very surprising to me. It's really fine now, because I got a glimpse of who he really is as opposed to my idealized version, so I'm working now at moving on and letting go. Oh and Farmergirl, the discovery of his crossing the line with a client happened when my husband and I were 3 months into couples' therapy and it was going well and my husband had a decent rapport with him. Good couples' therapists aren't easy to come by, so I took the chance and stuck it out. The transgression happened 7 years ago and he went through a whole life change, so I stayed.