[SabinaS]

I saw his wife today, by accident. I was late and clashed with one of her clients/patients/students. I don't know what to do now, I'm in complete pieces - the reality of seeing her feels unbearable. I have been feeling really bad about my feelings towards him anyway and have stopped talking about it in therapy but it's been so painful recently, and now this. Can I stop now? would it be stupid to just stop... I can't see anyway through this. I'm so alone, I can't cope with how painful it is... not just the wife bit but the whole thing about loving someone who doesn't and won't love me back, or who isn't even mine to love anyway. And I can't bear the thought of having to talk about it with him in therapy, I honestly never thought it would be this awful.

[Ididitmyway]

I totally agree, there is nothing therapeutic in this situation. I don't believe in the myth perpetuated by the psychotherapy profession that it's possible to "work through" transference in every situation. The situations like yours are not workable. This kind of transference, after all, is ultimately nothing but a unrequited love, which is more than a painful experience in regular life outside therapy, but in therapy it becomes unbearable because, unlike other situations where you can stop seeing the other person, here you are stuck with someone you have strong feelings for who would never respond to them with no possibility of resolving it. Such great emotional dependency on someone you are in love with who cannot respond to your feelings is a recipe for a profound emotional trauma and it blows my mind that professionals see nothing wrong with it and believe that it's workable and potentially therapeutic.

I would find another therapist in this situation, but I realize that this may not be easy for you. I'd be great if you could get some support from people who'd encourage you to find another practitioner.

[SabinaS]

Thanks Ididit - I am struggling to figure out how I will work through these feelings... I can see the link between early experiences of not receiving the love or care I needed, but I can't see how that is resolved through therapy, when it feels as though I'm just replaying the same pain, the same rejections, the same distance issues. I sort of just throw my love out there, to see if it sticks and it never does.

The worry I have about leaving though, is that I might just keep doing the same thing with every therapist I find, and how will I ever work through it if I keep leaving? I'm also in a vulnerable state and I feel as though he is the only stable emotional support I have at the moment, at least the only one who is sticking around - I guess I'm worried I will break if I leave. I think either way, I have to speak to him about it somehow, the thought makes me feel sick though.

[Ididitmyway]

Sigh..I have to admit that you are right. In my experience, this desperate need to be loved, held, accepted unconditionally by someone, who comes into our life as a helper, never gets resolved with this person..So, you are right, this might and, most likely, will happen with the new therapist and then the next therapist and so on..

I had been going through similar experience until I finally realized that traditional therapy, the way it is done, is not the solution for this. I looked into other methods that aimed at strengthening my spiritual core, and I did make it stronger. Right now, I am not looking for love and acceptance in others. I've learned how to accept and love myself so I don't need to look for that externally. I do look for connections with others, but for a different purpose - to experience myself fully as a human being...

I can tell you more about how I solved this problem for myself if you are interested, but I'd prefer to talk about it privately. PM me if you want to.

[Soccer mom]

I do think you need to talk about it. My T. knows about my transference towards her but not the full extent. I leak out pieces at a time. You could start with him that you have feelings you need to share but are nervous. He will probably have an idea and know how to guide you.
I relate to how you feel. I went to eat with friends at lunch today and saw my T's car as I left. I was so thankful I didn't run into her. I don't want to see her with her friends and have jealousy take over me until my next session.

[SabinaS]

Thanks both. He knows I have strong feelings for him, we've spoken about it on and off for a year. But not the more recent feelings, I sort of gave up and decided that I just needed to get over it/him/this - obviously didn't work very well. feels like a really bad place to be in.

[nicoleflynn]

My t knows how I feel about him. The feelings have stayed the same for years. Somehow, I have found a way to live...loving someone who isn't available. We feel what we feel. Feelings aren't right or wrong....they simply...are.

[always_wondering]

If it helps at all, I had similar feelings for my T a couple of years ago. I stayed with him, and suffered through. I have yet to encounter his wife and I hope I never do, because it would be so painful. But, I do have faith in the system and after much soul searching and work, I do feel staying in was better than leaving. The longing and pain lessens each time I open up and learn more. This T relationship has been wonderful and well worth the pain I have and am still going through.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

Such great emotional dependency on someone you are in love with who cannot respond to your feelings is a recipe for a profound emotional trauma...

It is doubly traumatizing when the person just up and leaves you abandoned without saying anything, without saying why, without even saying goodbye.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by SabinaS

Thanks Ididit - I am struggling to figure out how I will work through these feelings... I can see the link between early experiences of not receiving the love or care I needed, but I can't see how that is resolved through therapy, when it feels as though I'm just replaying the same pain, the same rejections, the same distance issues. I sort of just throw my love out there, to see if it sticks and it never does.

That is great insight on your part that you can link your current experience to early emotional abuse. I often wondered why I had such strong feelings for my ex-t, and why I keep repeating relationships where the person is unattainable, or the other person is emotionally distant, or abandons me, or rejects me. It probably is connected to childhood but it is hard to see why. I had a great childhood with two parents who loved me. Maybe my feelings for my ex-t were really just because of who he was, a very attractive, successful, caring individual.
Although, I relate with you that I just throw my love out there all the time. It seems to not be reciprocated very often. Or I don't feel I deserve it for some reason.

Originally Posted by SabinaS

The worry I have about leaving though, is that I might just keep doing the same thing with every therapist I find, and how will I ever work through it if I keep leaving? I'm also in a vulnerable state and I feel as though he is the only stable emotional support I have at the moment, at least the only one who is sticking around - I guess I'm worried I will break if I leave. I think either way, I have to speak to him about it somehow, the thought makes me feel sick though.

If it gives you any kind of hope, or maybe it won't, Idk. But with my ex-t, he just up and disappeared and abandoned me when I was honest to him about my feelings. He could not deal with it, or his supervisor or someone else probably told him to just stop talking to me or something. Either way, he is gone and it tore me apart. It did break me that he left, he was a huge emotional support to me. I guess he did not realize this because he was far away in distance and we had only communicated by email at that point. Well after he just stopped, my pain intensified to the point that the only way I could see it stopping was if I killed myself. So I tried to and almost died. The last person I called was him. I had tried to get a hold of him all day, just to try and talk to him. He never answered. I finally left a message that I was taking the bottle of pills I had saved up right then. I still never heard back from him. Earlier in the year I had even expressed my suicidal feelings and that I had the pills saved up and he did nothing about that. Isn't that a t's ethical duty? I don't care if he had stopped talking to me, shouldn't he at least have done something about that? I'm so mad at him, and I hate that I can never have any sort of relationship at all with him. I would give anything to be in therapy with him again. Just to see and talk to him again. I don't care that the feelings are there or that they are unworkable. It would be better than everything I have gone through without him.

As for your thoughts about finding another t... I do have another t. I will not go through this again because it is a female t. The feelings I had for ex-t were due to an intense lack from my dad growing up. He was not emotionally expressive at all. Ex-t was everything my dad could not be for me. Plus there was a whole bunch of family enmeshment stuff. Anyways, it's not gonna happen with new t. The female stuff I have to heal in my life are over-involvement, enmeshment, codependency, and she was also the person to abuse me by her once a month craziness. So I get to work on all that now. In time, I hope to find another male t (maybe one who is not as attractive, good Lord), and work through the getting the stuff resolved about my dad and childhood stuff there.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Originally Posted by Ididitmyway

I can tell you more about how I solved this problem for myself if you are interested, but I'd prefer to talk about it privately. PM me if you want to.

Feel free to PM me also as I am still trying to work through this same situation.. If you want to that would be really great.

[secretworld]

Originally Posted by SabinaS

I saw his wife today, by accident. I was late and clashed with one of her clients/patients/students. I don't know what to do now, I'm in complete pieces - the reality of seeing her feels unbearable. I have been feeling really bad about my feelings towards him anyway and have stopped talking about it in therapy but it's been so painful recently, and now this. Can I stop now? would it be stupid to just stop... I can't see anyway through this. I'm so alone, I can't cope with how painful it is... not just the wife bit but the whole thing about loving someone who doesn't and won't love me back, or who isn't even mine to love anyway. And I can't bear the thought of having to talk about it with him in therapy, I honestly never thought it would be this awful.

I went through a similar thing about 6 months back. I have been seeing my therapist for 3-4 years and we talk about all this, I'm pretty open with it. I told her how I found her Pinterest page and when I saw that she pinned something it brought me comfort. So she disabled the account because she said it shouldn't be out there for me to see, and some things she didn't want me to see. I felt horrible because I took away something she does in her private time, a hobby. Two days later she posted a new profile pic of her and her husband on facebook. Her account is pretty much locked down except for a few things and this was one that was out there...the first time I saw a pic of him, and it was with them together all happy. Anyway I freaked! On one had she took away sensitive private stuff to protect me and 2 days later she did the opposite and posted something that tore me apart from the inside. I couldn't talk or speak for what seemed like 2 days until I saw her. I was done, didn't want to do therapy anymore. When she came to get me in the waiting room she said I looked sick...I was sick with anger! I let everything out slowly, I was so upset I could barley talk. We did work through it though, of all the different types of pain transference brings this was by far the worse. I did learn from this experience and we are still working together. Actually, it hurt like hell but I think it helped overall in the long run. Sure, everything came back when she went out of the county on vacation but we talked about that and poof, again I felt better. I'm sure something else will happen again, but I can say these types of episodes are getting further and further apart. I must say...it feels weird as I WANT to be dependent on her, but I can tell there is growth...finally. And I think if you realize its a long process and there will be times that hurt like hell, you just might be okay. Like giving yourself permission to have these feelings and working through them with him.
Good luck and keep talking!!

[SabinaS]

Thanks for all your replies, it really does help reading your posts and about your experiences,

I did tell him in the end and it helped - at least in the sense of getting it out of my head and getting out of the bad place. I don't really know where I am now, I'm ok but feel the need to shut myself off from it all now. I don't have the internal resources to deal with it anymore, I'm so tired; tired and angry but with no energy left.