[SarahSweden]

I think there´s a difference between comparing yourself to your T when it comes to for example clothing style or interests and another thing when trying to compare (if you at all compare yourself to others) your own sexual experiences with those of your T.


Perhaps my situation is a bit rare as I'm almost 40 and haven´t had any intimate relationships for various reasons and my T is married and I just assume she has had some relationships and sex before her marriage.


I haven´t yet told my T I don´t have any experiences of partner sex but perhaps she suspects that´s the case as she knows I haven't had any partner relationships nor dated.

I don´t know anything about my T:s sex life and wouldn´t want to know any details, she has just shared that she couldn´t have children and that she/they tried to be pregnant.

Even if I don´t know much I kind of compare myself still and thinking about what sexual experience my T might have and how she is together with her husband.


Does anyone else do this?

[junkDNA]

no

(8characters)

[DP_2017]

I never want to think of him in that way, so no.... but I relate to you in the 0 experience area and I am nearly 40. My T knows but we haven't talked about it much. It carries too much shame with it for me so I usually shut down. I am well aware that since he was married for over a decade, he had a lot of sex, so it's not something I'd be shocked about but I just don't wanna visually imagine.

Anyway, since we are both rare in our cases, feel free to message me anytime if you wanna talk. I totally get where you are coming from

[Tbhimscared]

I have and it feels so wrong. I imagine what shes like "in bed", if shes done anything weird, if shes tried to have kids, if shes dating anyone, etc

Nooooooo! But then I am a prude that way.

[captgut]

I have zero experience too. No sex, no even kissing... Nothing.
I haven't told him, but it's quite obvious.

And yes, I do compare myself with T. Like... He might have a lot of experience. Sometimes I think about it... Or how he is with his wife. Or something else.

But I compare myself with everyone, not just him.

[ChickenNoodleSoup]

We talked about sex a few sessions ago, where he mentioned that it's normal that not both partners are relaxed at all times when they have sex and that happens to most people regularly. So now when I'm not relaxed about it, I just think of the fact that it's probably like that for him too. Other than that, I don't think I compare my life to his too much in general.

[LonesomeTonight]

I kind of thought about it in session this week. In the previous session, related to something we were talking about (sex in my marriage), T said it reminded him of this song "Business Time" by the Flight of the Conchords, that I should listen to it because it was funny. I listened to it when I got home that session. It's basically about a...very unsexy encounter between a married couple, with foreplay being brushing teeth and taking out recycling, then the actual encounter lasts 2 minutes, and the wife is like "Is that it?" and the guy's like "I know you want more but I'm sleepy."

I told T in session Thursday that I'd listened to it, and that it was quite funny. He said, "It's a perfect depiction of suburban married sex." T is married and lives in the suburbs, so...it made me think, "Is that what his sex life is like?" (And also kinda made me wonder if, like the guy in the song, he leaves his socks on during...)

[SalingerEsme]

I tend to think my T has less experience than me, and is personally conservative. I could be wrong, but he has very conventional comments at times like how women want children more than men do or that untrustworthy people have affairs. My view of life is more complex and less moralizing, so I wonder if he "protests too much" bc usually he is a deep thinker. I think more in terms of if he could be enticed by an affair and with whom that would be, since he has an over-the-top disgust for affairs that doesn't sound too therapisty. He seems into his marriage as a "co parent", but he like he has given up too much passion/ adventure/ sex. someone - either Faulkner or Freud- said the unconscious is never married- and man does that upset my T. I wager he spends a good amount of energy following rules and honoring his commitments in a dogged way.

[weaverbeaver]

My t mentions vulnerability and sex quite a lot. She said before about being vulnerable with someone and being naked.
I was thinking “ I wonder what she looks like naked!”
I have only had very few sexual encounters and my t had been married, well forever and has lots of children so I imagine lots of sex!
I often imagine her having sex and but somehow it doesn’t appeal to me!

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. What did your T say when you revealed things about your sexual experience? I think it was brave to share it with your T. I´m planning to do that myself in a future not so far away but then I want to feel "ready" for it as this is an issue to me and something I want to come to terms with.


I´m ashamed as well but I don´t want to leave therapy not having spoken about it but that´s differ from person to person of course.


Thanks for the suggestion about messaging you, I´ll keep that in mind.

Originally Posted by DP_2017

I never want to think of him in that way, so no.... but I relate to you in the 0 experience area and I am nearly 40. My T knows but we haven't talked about it much. It carries too much shame with it for me so I usually shut down. I am well aware that since he was married for over a decade, he had a lot of sex, so it's not something I'd be shocked about but I just don't wanna visually imagine.

Anyway, since we are both rare in our cases, feel free to message me anytime if you wanna talk. I totally get where you are coming from

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. This seem rather common, I thought I would get just an answer or two to my post. To some extent I also feel it´s wrong when I compare my sexual experince with my T:s and I´m not sure why I think about those things really. It´s not that I would want to have sex with her but as you I can imagine her in a sexual situation when I see a romantic scene in a film like "I wonder if my T does like that"?

Originally Posted by Tbhimscared

I have and it feels so wrong. I imagine what shes like "in bed", if shes done anything weird, if shes tried to have kids, if shes dating anyone, etc

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. How do you mean it´s obvious to your T? Is it because of your age or something else? If you want to share.


Some married couples don´t have a lot of sexual experience before marriage nor during their marriage but I think as a client it´s easier to fall into thoughts about good and fulfilling sex and closeness to their partners. Even if that´s not reality all the time.

Originally Posted by captgut

I have zero experience too. No sex, no even kissing... Nothing.
I haven't told him, but it's quite obvious.

And yes, I do compare myself with T. Like... He might have a lot of experience. Sometimes I think about it... Or how he is with his wife. Or something else.

But I compare myself with everyone, not just him.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. I think that was a good thing to hear from your T, not every T would "share" that even if it might not be exactly how his sexual experience is like but probably close to it. It also sounds very probable, that one partner is more in to sex than the other and similar.


Perhaps my T would comment on it referring to her own life, I in a way hope she would.

Originally Posted by ChickenNoodleSoup

We talked about sex a few sessions ago, where he mentioned that it's normal that not both partners are relaxed at all times when they have sex and that happens to most people regularly. So now when I'm not relaxed about it, I just think of the fact that it's probably like that for him too. Other than that, I don't think I compare my life to his too much in general.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Yes, his referall to that song must mean something to him, or else he wouldn´t have listened to the lyrics that well. That's my spontaneous thought about it anyway. As he also asked you to listen to it.


I think the situation described in that song most likely happens to many couples but my mind easily wonders to her having good sex, not bad, her having learned a lot about sex so she and her partner can be there for each other sexually.

But on the other hand, I know they live in a flat with her husband´s son who is around 20 in age and that also makes me think that there´s not so much space to enjoy sex as if she lived alone with her husband only. But that´s of course just a speculation.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

I kind of thought about it in session this week. In the previous session, related to something we were talking about (sex in my marriage), T said it reminded him of this song "Business Time" by the Flight of the Conchords, that I should listen to it because it was funny. I listened to it when I got home that session. It's basically about a...very unsexy encounter between a married couple, with foreplay being brushing teeth and taking out recycling, then the actual encounter lasts 2 minutes, and the wife is like "Is that it?" and the guy's like "I know you want more but I'm sleepy."

I told T in session Thursday that I'd listened to it, and that it was quite funny. He said, "It's a perfect depiction of suburban married sex." T is married and lives in the suburbs, so...it made me think, "Is that what his sex life is like?" (And also kinda made me wonder if, like the guy in the song, he leaves his socks on during...)

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. Your T seems to be comfortable talking about sex and that´s a good thing. I would probably feel embarrassed if my T talked to me about the meaning of being naked together with another person.


As you, I´d probably gotten some thought about how she might look like naked, especially as she has shown a little to much chest. I don´t find it inappropriate, it more that it can lead to thoughts of a sexual nature.

If your T is rather old, then it might seem not so appealing, it´s a bit like imaging our own parents having sex. As your T has many children, perhaps she's also very open about sex and doesn´t find it strange to talk about.


My T couldn´t have children and I feel sorry for her about that. Not that I pity her but she told her it was a wish she had from an early age and then it´s hard to find someone to love and not being able to have a kid with him.


Have you found an answer to why you have those thoughts about your T?

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

My t mentions vulnerability and sex quite a lot. She said before about being vulnerable with someone and being naked.
I was thinking “ I wonder what she looks like naked!”
I have only had very few sexual encounters and my t had been married, well forever and has lots of children so I imagine lots of sex!
I often imagine her having sex and but somehow it doesn’t appeal to me!

[weaverbeaver]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. Your T seems to be comfortable talking about sex and that´s a good thing. I would probably feel embarrassed if my T talked to me about the meaning of being naked together with another person.


As you, I´d probably gotten some thought about how she might look like naked, especially as she has shown a little to much chest. I don´t find it inappropriate, it more that it can lead to thoughts of a sexual nature.

If your T is rather old, then it might seem not so appealing, it´s a bit like imaging our own parents having sex. As your T has many children, perhaps she's also very open about sex and doesn´t find it strange to talk about.


My T couldn´t have children and I feel sorry for her about that. Not that I pity her but she told her it was a wish she had from an early age and then it´s hard to find someone to love and not being able to have a kid with him.


Have you found an answer to why you have those thoughts about your T?

I suppose I am lucky that my t is very open about sex. I feel like I can talk to her about anything.
I recently had a smear test and that brought up a lot as I found it very traumatising.
As a straight woman t didn’t really understand at first but then I explained a bit and she was more curious.
Is your t very open about sex? Usually I find that unless you bring it up they usually wait for you to take the lead.

My t is very attractive and I have told her that many times. She really looks after herself and wears very nice dresses which sometimes reveal legs and breasts.
I think it’s absolutely normal to be curious about what’s under those dresses. My t has never shamed me for my thoughts or feelings about her and for that I am very grateful. She is very comfortable with her own sexuality and I am not very comfortable with mine so her normalising it has been very helpful for me.
Would you ever like to have a r/s Sarah?
Perhaps having a discussion with your t could really help you to explore your feelings and the losses that not having a r/s have meant for you!
I haven’t had another r/s after my first serious one and that was 8 years ago! I don’t know if I will ever want another r/s either.
R/s are not straightforward and sexuality is so fluid. I hate the way society has to put labels on boxes on everyone. I think I am coming to terms with my own sexuality because I used to have so much internalised homophobia but now I think well why should I define myself as gay/ straight. Yes I had a r/s with a woman but yes I also dated men in high school. Yes, I love people but I tend to prefer women. Why should I try to put myself into a category because society needs to know how I show my love to others.

I think that deep down there is something I am picking up from my t about her own sexuality. I wonder if she ever questioned it or wanted to explore it. I went to a t once and she told me she was bisexual and had a R/s with a with a woman for years before she got married. I was shocked by her openness. I think there is a very fine line between being open and disclosing too much.

[captgut]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. How do you mean it´s obvious to your T? Is it because of your age or something else? If you want to share.

Well, I guess I have used phrases like "no one ever loved me", "I'm always alone", "Touch is very important for me, but no one touches me - no hugs, no handshakes".
Also it's obvious because I'm so weird and disgusting lol

[wheeler]

Thanks for asking this question. Like most things, I assumed I was the only one with these thoughts. You have really helped normalize this for me.

So yes, I wonder about T’s sex life. I don’t wish to have sex with her but I imagine like most things in her life, it’s perfect.

[SoConfused623]

My new T and I are both Sex Positive, so we talk about sex a fair amount. I cant help but think sometimes about the examples she gives as I'm wondering which things shes making up and which are true.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by SarahSweden

Thanks. Yes, his referall to that song must mean something to him, or else he wouldn´t have listened to the lyrics that well. That's my spontaneous thought about it anyway. As he also asked you to listen to it.

I think the situation described in that song most likely happens to many couples but my mind easily wonders to her having good sex, not bad, her having learned a lot about sex so she and her partner can be there for each other sexually.

But on the other hand, I know they live in a flat with her husband´s son who is around 20 in age and that also makes me think that there´s not so much space to enjoy sex as if she lived alone with her husband only. But that´s of course just a speculation.

Thanks. Yes, it can be easy to just assume, "Oh they're married, they must have amazing sex." Or other things, like they must be so happy and supportive of each other. But, both in my experience and in talking to some married friends...that's probably more the exception than the rule, especially if there are kids, particularly if they've been married/together a long time.

It's easy to think in general that our T's (or other people in general) have perfect lives. So I think it can help to have a dose of reality, to think they likely have their own struggles. And, this isn't what you were asking about, but is something that came up for me with ex-MC: While they might be really kind and caring to us in session, they're likely not that way in real life, all the time. It's not like their family/friends get the clients' version of the T all the time. Like ex-MC told me once that in real life, he's an a-hole, so I probably wouldn't want to hang around him. He said later that he was exaggerating, but he's also shared stories of screaming at his children and (now late) wife, seeming very different from the gentle, caring person he could be in session (though I did get to see a bit of that side of him when we had a rupture in December...)

[CantExplain]

I assumed all therapists had a promiscuous bisexual lifestyle. I was disappointed to discover that this was not the case.

[Amyjay]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I assumed all therapists had a promiscuous bisexual lifestyle. I was disappointed to discover that this was not the case.

Interesting! Do you know why you assumed that?

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. My T hasn´t at all mentioned the topic of sex, perhaps because she suspects my inexperience in that area or because she wants me to bring it up.

I think if I was gay I could perhaps be more open about when I find her nice looking but I´m not attracted to her in that way, I think it´s more of an admiration. When she a few times has dressed in more revealing clothes I think that leads me to think more about her in sexual situations rather than wanting to see more of her.


Yes, some time in the future I want a relationship and sex but I find it hard to imagine that as my mental health is sometimes not that good and I can´t think of living with someone and seldom have time on my own. I fear sex because of several reasons so that feels far away even if I´m already way too old for not having had sex.

I aim to have such a discussion as you mean, about sex, how my intimacy issues affect me and such. I really hope I can talk to my T about that without just intellectualising things.

Yes, as you say a T can easily share too much when it comes to sex, I mean too much for the client to handle. I just assume that my T haven´t had such difficulties when it comes to sex but if I met with a T who had her sex debut in her late 30:s, I would want to know that to feel I´m not alone.

Originally Posted by weaverbeaver

I suppose I am lucky that my t is very open about sex. I feel like I can talk to her about anything.
I recently had a smear test and that brought up a lot as I found it very traumatising.
As a straight woman t didn’t really understand at first but then I explained a bit and she was more curious.
Is your t very open about sex? Usually I find that unless you bring it up they usually wait for you to take the lead.

My t is very attractive and I have told her that many times. She really looks after herself and wears very nice dresses which sometimes reveal legs and breasts.
I think it’s absolutely normal to be curious about what’s under those dresses. My t has never shamed me for my thoughts or feelings about her and for that I am very grateful. She is very comfortable with her own sexuality and I am not very comfortable with mine so her normalising it has been very helpful for me.
Would you ever like to have a r/s Sarah?
Perhaps having a discussion with your t could really help you to explore your feelings and the losses that not having a r/s have meant for you!
I haven’t had another r/s after my first serious one and that was 8 years ago! I don’t know if I will ever want another r/s either.
R/s are not straightforward and sexuality is so fluid. I hate the way society has to put labels on boxes on everyone. I think I am coming to terms with my own sexuality because I used to have so much internalised homophobia but now I think well why should I define myself as gay/ straight. Yes I had a r/s with a woman but yes I also dated men in high school. Yes, I love people but I tend to prefer women. Why should I try to put myself into a category because society needs to know how I show my love to others.

I think that deep down there is something I am picking up from my t about her own sexuality. I wonder if she ever questioned it or wanted to explore it. I went to a t once and she told me she was bisexual and had a R/s with a with a woman for years before she got married. I was shocked by her openness. I think there is a very fine line between being open and disclosing too much.

[SarahSweden]

Thanks. It´s comforting to read what you wrote about this. As you say I assume my T has a very nice marriage and also a lot of experiences in sex which means they also have a good sex life. But perhaps that´s just my thoughts about it.


I have also thought about how my T is in other parts of her life, I mean how she acts against colleagues at work and such. I understand she isn´t so warm and kind all the time, that would be "awkward" in a non therapeutic setting but I don´t think she´s the opposite either.

I´m sorry you had to experience your T from such a negative perspective, not so professional of him to act out in such a way.


My T hasn´t (yet) showed anger or irritation but my T mostly works with other things than therapy during the week and that perhaps makes her a bit more patient.

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks. Yes, it can be easy to just assume, "Oh they're married, they must have amazing sex." Or other things, like they must be so happy and supportive of each other. But, both in my experience and in talking to some married friends...that's probably more the exception than the rule, especially if there are kids, particularly if they've been married/together a long time.

It's easy to think in general that our T's (or other people in general) have perfect lives. So I think it can help to have a dose of reality, to think they likely have their own struggles. And, this isn't what you were asking about, but is something that came up for me with ex-MC: While they might be really kind and caring to us in session, they're likely not that way in real life, all the time. It's not like their family/friends get the clients' version of the T all the time. Like ex-MC told me once that in real life, he's an a-hole, so I probably wouldn't want to hang around him. He said later that he was exaggerating, but he's also shared stories of screaming at his children and (now late) wife, seeming very different from the gentle, caring person he could be in session (though I did get to see a bit of that side of him when we had a rupture in December...)