Are they real?

I take my knife just for protection and to help me get to college.
I just want to be ready for the when the time comes - I think they are putting all this stuff in my head - I think they are trying to control me.

If someone else is controlling you, that's all the more reason not to have a knife in your pocket. What if whoever is controlling you causes you to injure someone else? Until you're absolutely sure that all the thoughts in your head are your own and that no one else is controlling you, you need to leave the knife at home.

The safety you feel from having the knife is false. The knife itself is a reminder of your fear and your sense of danger. It's like a negative talisman you carry around, constantly feeding the fear. When you put it in your pocket, when you take it out, when you touch it, when you think about it, it reminds you of your fears. It cannot solve any of your problems, but it can create a lot of problems and pain. Please leave it at home. Learn to manage the fear without the knife.

The man I told you about was a relative of mine, and he just took his knife for protection and to help him get out of the house to his job (as a builder.) Look how that turned out for him.

A knife is always dangerous, it provides the absolute opposite of safety. I wish there was some way I could persuade you of the danger inherent in carrying a deadly weapon. I really don't want you to get hurt, expelled, jailed or hospitalised. All those things are more likely when you carry a knife.

Costello and I posted at about the same time. That should tell you something Kureha... I hope I don't come across as a nag, but I really do wish I could help you.

Too true!!!

I don't know what to do - I just feel confused

I really don't think I can get out the house without it though - I could maybe mention it to my nurse, I see her in 10 days, but I don't know, if she'll want to know, because it isn't mental health related.

They've controlled me before - my knife is to me what insulin is to a diabetic.

I'm just sick of the sleeper cells though, if I pull a knife on them, they will give me the proof I need - then everyone will listen.

I called my nurse, but she wasn't there, I'm not expecting a call back, just told the receptionist it wasn't important

I can't remember if I ever told you the story about how I almost shot my sister. I thought I was in the house alone when I heard someone trying to turn the door knob on the bedroom I was in. I had a shotgun and I was very, very scared. If she hadn't spoken, I would have fired at the door without knowing who was there. This happened over 25 years ago, and I still tremble when I think how close I came to killing my baby sister.

The problem is that intense fear shuts down the reasoning part of the brain. We would all like to think that we could never become that irrational, but I know for a fact that I can, because I did that day. And I'm a very rational person.

When you add a weapon to a situation where fear is likely to bring irrational actions, someone might get hurt.

If you think talking to your nurse will help, please call back and tell them that that it's important that you talk to someone.

I didnt know that nearly happened with your sister, I always get freaked out when I'm alone at night.

My parents think I should call her, just incase something happens, they don't want me to get in trouble with the police.

I agree with your parents.

I got to talk to the nurse, she said to stay at home if the thoughts got to strong. I have an appt with the psychiatrist next week and I got the number for the crisis team as well. My nurse thinks I should take my meds as well.

I'm glad you got to talk to her. Only you know when you need to push yourself and when you need to rest a bit. This school thing has been pretty challenging. I'm sure it's wearing you down. Take care of yourself, but keep at it. Things will get easier with time. I really think you made the right decision to enroll in the class. It's just too bad it turned from a one day a week thing to twice a week.

If you need the knife to leave the house, then I think you should stay home. If you get to the point where you just can't leave the house at all, consider trying the medications again. You don't have to take them forever, but they may ease the fear enough so you can function and start moving forward with your life. If you go the meds route, though, take them exactly as the doctor prescribes. Taking them hit and miss will only make things worse.

I'm anti-meds - like you, but I don't think so much, I think if they can make life easier - then why should someone struggle.

I just don't see the point if someone doesn't need them - then they are just given to make that person believe they are ill.

College is really hard and I'm behind now and I don't know who to get there tomorrow - because the thoughts are really strong, like I'm sure they would be for anyone if they were being controlled.

I'm sorry the meds make you think you're ill. I guess if someone were recommending an antipsychotic to me, I'd feel the same as you do.

My son takes an antipsychotic, and I don't think he has a brain disease. I think he was overwhelmed with anxiety/panic - just like you are now. The medication is a tranquilizer. See the wikipedia article: "An antipsychotic (or neuroleptic) is a tranquilizing psychiatric medication ..."

When a person is in a state of emotional overwhelm, it's extremely difficult to think clearly about his or her situation. This is because the brain is designed to turn off the reasoning mind while the person deals with the immediate danger. If you have to jump out of the path of an oncoming car, it isn't helpful to think. You just have to act. The problem comes, IMO, when a person is so overwhelmed by the stressful situation that he or she can't get back to a rational state. Panic moves in and sets up house permanently.

You don't have to have a diseased brain to get into this state of panic. Anyone who is put into a bad enough situation might find themselves suffering in exactly the way you are now. I personally don't think you're ill, Kureha. You're a human being who's gotten into a tough spot and is having a hard time finding her way out.

The medication doesn't fix the situation that's causing the panic. The medication helps you control the panic so you can think more clearly. Does that make sense? When you can think more clearly, you can deal with the things that are scaring you, you can attend school successfully, and you can work with your therapist more effectively.

The medication is a tool you can choose to use to make it easier to cope with this bad situation. If you decide to go that route, I hope you do what my son is doing now: take it regularly as prescribed and try to get to the lowest effective dosage. Right now my son is thinking far more clearly and he's dealing with the problems that got him into that scary place.

If you decide to take the medication and want to quit later, go off of it slowly. Quitting suddenly can cause its own set of problems - not because you're mentally ill but because your brain has habituated to the med and needs to readjust to being without it.

That must be very frustrating. The thoughts about college being hard and about getting behind in class are contributing to the panic, btw.

I would like to suggest that college isn't too hard for you; you're very intelligent. The reason it has seemed hard is that you're spending a lot of energy trying to control the fear. If you had a way to dial down the fear a bit, attending class and focusing on your coursework would be easier.

I would also like to suggest that it doesn't matter if you're behind now. If you need to, you can withdraw from school and start again next semester. There will always be another math class. Guaranteed. Don't let the worry about being behind add to your anxiety. If you can't catch up, quit and start over later.

Thank You for believing me. I always told them I wasn't ill - because I'd know right. I'm definitely not taking the meds now.
They all try to tell me I am - all the nurses, doctors, police, social workers, psychologists.

I'll tell my psychologist it doesn't matter about seeing her - I don't want her to be in danger or waste her time - I might tell my nurses the same - even though there isn't long left.

You're right I need to act and I need to do it before it's too late
I'm going to take the knife tomorrow - I'm going to sort it once and for all, I don't care if the police get called.

Do you think the OCD was really because of the government targetting as well?

I'll move like a ninja - they won't stand a chance - I'll make sure I get my proof before anything happens though, thank you for making this clear to me

I think you've misunderstood me, Kureha. I don't think you should take a knife out with you. When I said a person should act, I meant that in the situation where a car was coming toward them at a high rate of speed. The act is jumping out of the way. I don't advocate carrying a weapon.

Moving like a ninja sounds like fun. But please leave the knife at home. I'm afraid you're going to end up in the hospital.

Kureha, I'm talking to my son on the phone. I wanted to get his views.

He wants to know why you need a knife to get proof. Also, what do you mean when you say you're going to move like a ninja?

He also wants to know if you are thinking you can do riskier things if you have a knife with you. If that's what you're thinking, he says he's not a good idea. You'll end up in the hospital.

They can't send me to hospital because I'm not ill, you said so yourself, I just don't know why no one else can see it. Not even my parents.

I'll move like a ninja so it's unexpected, they wont see it coming. The knife is perfect it's the silent weapon. They will listen to that not me.

Don't worry I won't tell my nurse you helped me decide, I was seriously considering the meds, but now I know not to, like Nike say Just do it.

Kureha, I didn't help you decide. I completely disavow this course of action. It's wrong. You can end up in the hospital, and what I think doesn't matter at all.

I'm sorry, I don't understand the conflicting messages

I hope you change your mind about the knife kureha. I wouldn't want you to hurt anyone

I am so sorry you're confused.

I think you misread my post. I wasn't trying to tell you not to take medication. I was trying to gently tell you that maybe you should give it a try - at least for a while. It has helped my son.

I wish I had been clearer. I was only trying to say that using medication is not an admission of illness. It's just a tool to help you cope.

Please, please do not take your knife out with you. I care about you and want you to be safe. There's a risk that you won't be safe if you go out tomorrow with the knife.

It didn't matter - I couldn't get to college - I might be off the course now though, I need to call the teacher.

I tried to convince the nurse to let me take the knife - but everything I said made no difference - she spoke to me longer than my nurse does.

I was telling her about this programme I watched, it was just fictional, but everyone thought he was ill, the dr got him to go outside and he got shot and died - just because she didn't believe. The nurse just said she was confident that wouldn't happen.

Costello - It's just you're the first person to believe I'm not ill and to believe me about the gang staking. I thought you were saying do something about it.

I've had 4 psychiatrists (5 including the 1 at the hospital) saying I'm ill, all saying the same thing, I wish I was ill - then my life wouldn't be in danger.

I started my medication the nurse said I needed it, she said it will stop the thoughts.

I'm glad you decided to try it. I suspect you're nurse is right. It will help you feel better. But only if you keep taking it. A few days won't be enough to see if it's going to work.

Yeah I'm going to take it properly - I don't think it will change anything if the sleeper cells make things worse though. I saw them listening to my conversation today as well.

I'm just going to stay in, unless I have to go outside - maybe instead of my knife I could get some mace instead, or I could just not them, but I'm a bad liar, because I hesitate.

Costello - Are you being gang stalked as well? because the only people that think I'm not ill, have the same happening to them.