I'm thinking about stopping my antipsychotic; the one (aripiprazole/abilify) that almost completely stops my auditory hallucinations, and has few side effects, if any. Mad, right? There's this logical part of me that sees that stopping it when it's working so well is a stupid thing to do, but I have this feeling that I *have* to stop it. It's been creeping up on me for a few weeks now and the feeling is starting to override the logic. Every night it's a daily battle with myself to see whether I will swallow the pill or not: it's exhausting!

I feel so guilty for everything. Every tiny thing that's bad in the world that cannot even possibly be my fault, I feel guilty for. Mostly I feel guilty for existing when others who deserve to live more than I do are dying. Maybe that's part of the reason I want to stop my antipsychotic? Because if the voices come back to berate me for every little thing I do wrong, then somehow my guilt might lessen because I'm being punished in some small way. They were always right about me: I am a horrible person.

I'm not having a good time of it lately, but it's been worse this week. My family's away on holiday and so I'm isolated and staying in bed more and more. They come back on Friday and so I'll be up and pretending everything is fine, but it's not; not deep down. My parents will be cross if I stop my antipsychotic. So will my pdoc. Is that enough of a reason to keep taking it? IDK...

Sorry, I'm just rambling because I'm feeling lonely. Ignore me

*Willow*

[Gr3tta]

Is it like if the voices aren't berating you, you feel like you have to do it to yourself for them? And if they're doing it for you you can almost relax a bit? I could relate to that. I'm sorry it's so lonely with part of your family gone. I'm glad they'll be home soon. Maybe hold off on deciding what to do until they get back? To see if you feel different with everyone there? Please take care.

[costello]

Sorry you're having a hard time, Willow.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Maybe that's part of the reason I want to stop my antipsychotic? Because if the voices come back to berate me for every little thing I do wrong, then somehow my guilt might lessen because I'm being punished in some small way.

It could well be. Certainly an idea worth exploring. I was reading in Mary Boyle's Schizophrenia : a scientific delusion? something to the effect that people tend to feel more depressed when the hallucinations and/or delusions are removed by medication. (I might have that wrong. I'm basing it on my memory.) That would make sense if the hallucinations are filling some kind of emotional need.

[newtus]

filling an emotional need...

hm.
interesting.

they filled a need for me for a long time.
in fact.......his name was Jesse.
we hung out and talked about everything.
he was mostly auditory and has been visual a few times.
then he became neutral to me. many times mean.

for me right now if anything the void they fill is me getting to talk to people. them.
they arent necessarily nice right now. i cant have convos with them.
but ive heard commentary before. its annoying. but its like someone is with me. that cares. because jesse started as commentary and saved me from stuff like telling me not to do things. and not to talk to certain people.
he told me hed be my friend. which is what i needed.

Thanks for the support guys

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

Is it like if the voices aren't berating you, you feel like you have to do it to yourself for them? And if they're doing it for you you can almost relax a bit? I could relate to that.

Originally Posted by costello

It could well be. Certainly an idea worth exploring. I was reading in Mary Boyle's Schizophrenia : a scientific delusion? something to the effect that people tend to feel more depressed when the hallucinations and/or delusions are removed by medication. (I might have that wrong. I'm basing it on my memory.) That would make sense if the hallucinations are filling some kind of emotional need.

I feel like I deserve to have them there constantly criticising me. I guess I feel lost without them...how messed up is that?! They've been there for over 2 years and now they're gone and I don't know what to do without them. I guess I just got used to them

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

I'm sorry it's so lonely with part of your family gone. I'm glad they'll be home soon. Maybe hold off on deciding what to do until they get back? To see if you feel different with everyone there?

Yeah I could do that: that's a good idea, thanks! Maybe I'm feeling lonely and the voices, though horrible, are company in some way. Perhaps I should talk it over with my CPN too...I think maybe I can trust him to give it some thought with me rather than just a knee-jerk "take your meds!" which I'll get off my family/pdoc. I don't see him for another 2wks though - that's a long time...

*Willow*

Originally Posted by newtus

filling an emotional need...

hm.
interesting.

they filled a need for me for a long time.
in fact.......his name was Jesse.
we hung out and talked about everything.
he was mostly auditory and has been visual a few times.
then he became neutral to me. many times mean.

for me right now if anything the void they fill is me getting to talk to people. them.
they arent necessarily nice right now. i cant have convos with them.
but ive heard commentary before. its annoying. but its like someone is with me. that cares. because jesse started as commentary and saved me from stuff like telling me not to do things. and not to talk to certain people.
he told me hed be my friend. which is what i needed.

Thanks Newtus I think maybe, for me at any rate, change is scary. 2+ years is a long time to hear 2 voices. I'd never have a conversation with them, but I guess I got used to them being there, and 'miss' them now they're gone...

*Willow*

[newtus]

i miss mine when i hear true silence.
even if they were mean.
because i wasnt alone.

reminds me of any relationship ive had.
im the kind to always say to always go back to the abuser and say sorry when it wasnt even my fault. i did it because i desperately needed friends or someone to talk to. id be willing to be verbally abused in many friendships of people my age in the past because they knew how hard it was for me to make new friends and they knew if i lost them id have no one else.

well right now i have no one.

Originally Posted by newtus

i miss mine when i hear true silence.
even if they were mean.
because i wasnt alone.

I guess that's how I feel too. Maybe this feeling is being exacerbated by me being alone this week, but it has been building for a while now so maybe that's just a part of it. Maybe what costello said about them filling my need to be 'punished' is the other part, or another part. Maybe there's more to it again? Maybe I'm just a masochist

Originally Posted by newtus

reminds me of any relationship ive had.
im the kind to always say to always go back to the abuser and say sorry when it wasnt even my fault. i did it because i desperately needed friends or someone to talk to. id be willing to be verbally abused in many friendships of people my age in the past because they knew how hard it was for me to make new friends and they knew if i lost them id have no one else.

well right now i have no one.

Well you have us here at PC! I know that's not the same as having someone IRL though

*Willow*

So my family got back yesterday from their holiday. It's been nice so far and I'm not fed up of them yet! lol Mainly because my little siblings have been out at a party most of today. Went to a summer fete today and had coffee with my parents to catch up, which was very nice, especially with no annoying children around.

Today was going well, until my Mum read in the paper about a young guy who died in hospital of dehydration, because none of the nurses would give him a drink, no doctors acted on his high sodium blood levels and, when he got aggressive (a sign of major dehydration and high sodium levels) they just sedated him and stuck him in a side room, where he died. The level of incompetence is astounding, even to me who didn't even finish medschool! The stupid thing is that I feel incredibly guilty about his death, like it was me involved. I know that I would've been a crap doctor and done stupid things like this and so I'm feeling guilty for all the potential deaths I could've caused had I graduated. I know it's silly to get so upset when I'm never going to be a dr now and can't make deadly mistakes...but I am

Last night I was totally convinced that stopping my antipsychotic is the thing to do. I mean, why would the voices exist if not to punish me?! I still feel guilty about my neighbour's suicide attempt months ago when I was called upon to do CPR. Did I do the right thing? Maybe she really wanted to die? If I'd been faster getting her down and better at CPR, maybe she wouldn't have brain damage? I felt all this at the time, but thought I'd 'gotten over it' - now with my guilt about every bad thing in the world, it's coming up all over again. Also I wonder if I pushed her to do it - you see I think about hanging myself all the time and my bedroom is next to hers (we live in a terraced house) and I just keep thinking that she picked up on my toxic energy and got my thoughts in her head, and that's why she did it. And I feel so guilty Plus the other week a friend of a friend, who I didn't know, died of undiagnosed heart problems playing basketball. This fit 19-year-old just dropped dead, and I just feel guilty that I can't swap places with him so that he could live. I don't even want to be here and I'm squandering this gift of life that was so cruelly taken from him.

I'm such a bad person

*Willow*

[Gr3tta]

If you were a bad person, you wouldn't feel bad about any of it, would you? I think the fact that you feel so much empathy towards others, even when you didn't know them personally, just goes to show that you are a good person.
It would be easier to be a badun wouldn't it? Then you wouldn't care. But you do, so I say you are good. For whatever that's worth.

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I guess that's how I feel too. Maybe this feeling is being exacerbated by me being alone this week, but it has been building for a while now so maybe that's just a part of it. Maybe what costello said about them filling my need to be 'punished' is the other part, or another part. Maybe there's more to it again? Maybe I'm just a masochist

Does playing music or the telly in the background help? I like my voices, but when they annoy me I watch dumb TV. At least the idiots they're screaming at aren't me, then.

Originally Posted by Gr3tta

If you were a bad person, you wouldn't feel bad about any of it, would you? I think the fact that you feel so much empathy towards others, even when you didn't know them personally, just goes to show that you are a good person.
It would be easier to be a badun wouldn't it? Then you wouldn't care. But you do, so I say you are good. For whatever that's worth.

Thank you Gr3tta, that's very kind of you

The guilt hasn't been as bad as it was on Saturday, but it seems to come in waves. I've been trying to distract myself from it by keeping occupied. I guess it's all the depression making me feel guilty for things I haven't done?

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Does playing music or the telly in the background help? I like my voices, but when they annoy me I watch dumb TV. At least the idiots they're screaming at aren't me, then.

Thanks fish I play music loud to drown them out when the voices are particularly bad or 'the whispers' are around, because they freak me out. Usually I'm pretty good at drowning my 2 voices out if I keep busy and just let their malice wash over me, unless they get really loud or nasty when I break out the iPod if appropriate. They don't comment on the tv though, except to call me lazy for watching it.

I'm on day 5 off aripiprazole/Abilify. I was certain Fri night that I should stop it (after I'd taken my last dose), then unsure Sat morning and forgot to take it Sat night, which I took as a sign that I should stop it...IDK A part of me thinks that I should take it; a part of me is worried that I'll be told off when my CPN/parents/pdoc find out I've stopped it (I know I'm a grown-up, but I'm a massive people pleaser) and a part of me is curious to see if the voices come back (part of me wants them to so they can punish me; part of me doesn't think they will come back, like I made it up or something). So I'm all conflicted. So far I don't feel any ill effects from stopping, which gives me no incentive to restart them...

IDK IDK IDK! I'm so confused by it all - meds, voices, guilt, punishment. Sometimes I wish I had someone I trusted who could tell me what to do, because often it makes little sense to me, but I don't really trust anyone, not even my family. Which makes me feel guilty because I know it upsets them that I don't trust them

IDK. I'm waffling again - sorry!

*Willow*

[fishsandwich]

Well you have the acronym "IDK" in my head now, thanks to you, and it really is the only answer I have. IDK!!

I guess my own experience of coming off meds was really similar. I was worn down to a point where I kind of had accepted that taking meds would be the easy way out (if that makes any sense) -- especially socially, in terms of pdoc/CPN/family pressure. It was really tough to come off and face all that uncertainty and lack of support from those people. It was the right decision for me, though. Me, I'm not so much guilty as angry about everything, so yeah. IDK!!

A big part of my 'coming off' was reading lots about psychiatric survivors and knowing that there were people who had escaped the system and lived to tell about it and did great things once they were out. So was having something to do every day and having at least one person who saw things the way I did and who could support me.

IDK IDK IDK I guess the thing is that coming off meds . . . it doesn't work unless you know how you're going to cope. There is an incredible amount of pressure to stay on them, and you have to be galvanised to fight that AS WELL AS being ready to cope with your actual problems. It's really tough. I wish I could say more to help you.

[fishsandwich]

PS: I think it's perfectly possible to have a life whilst you hate yourself/are guilty/whatever words adequately describe what you feel. It's how I live. I'm not a happy person, but I manage (often if only because of Mssrs. Cadbury and Marlboro, but yeah).

[fishsandwich]

PPS: I got my fancy handbag; now whenever I carry it I think of you

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Well you have the acronym "IDK" in my head now, thanks to you, and it really is the only answer I have. IDK!!

Sorry! It's all I have in my head too. I'm fine when I distract myself from the whole med-thing, but then I start thinking about it and just get increasingly confused. It's doing my head in really, all this confusion

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I guess my own experience of coming off meds was really similar. I was worn down to a point where I kind of had accepted that taking meds would be the easy way out (if that makes any sense) -- especially socially, in terms of pdoc/CPN/family pressure. It was really tough to come off and face all that uncertainty and lack of support from those people. It was the right decision for me, though. Me, I'm not so much guilty as angry about everything, so yeah. IDK!!

If you'd accepted that taking meds was the easy option (I understand what you mean by that), how did you then decide to come off them?

I haven't DECIDED to come off psych meds as I'm still taking my lamotrigine... IDK (sorry! lol) Decided implies that I've thought this through and have reached a decision, but this is much flimsier than that. I have periods of certainty and then periods where I think I've made a mistake and so I really just don't have a clue what I'm doing.

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

IDK IDK IDK I guess the thing is that coming off meds . . . it doesn't work unless you know how you're going to cope. There is an incredible amount of pressure to stay on them, and you have to be galvanised to fight that AS WELL AS being ready to cope with your actual problems. It's really tough. I wish I could say more to help you.

I haven't planned anything like how to cope off meds. I goes I haven't thought that far in advance

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

PS: I think it's perfectly possible to have a life whilst you hate yourself/are guilty/whatever words adequately describe what you feel. It's how I live. I'm not a happy person, but I manage (often if only because of Mssrs. Cadbury and Marlboro, but yeah).

I'm tired of living a life feeling sad and guilty for everything. I want to feel happy again, not all the time but the 'normal' amount. And Mr Cadbury is feeling my wrath at the moment cos I'm never going to lose the imipramine-weight with his chocolate-y goodness on sale everywhere! Grrr! :roll eyes:

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

PPS: I got my fancy handbag; now whenever I carry it I think of you

YEY! Fancy handbag

Thanks for your replies fish

*Willow*

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Sorry! It's all I have in my head too. I'm fine when I distract myself from the whole med-thing, but then I start thinking about it and just get increasingly confused. It's doing my head in really, all this confusion

Yeah, I know that feeling. My brain today feels like monkeys running around in circles flinging poop.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

If you'd accepted that taking meds was the easy option (I understand what you mean by that), how did you then decide to come off them?

They made me ill, they made me fat, and they made me blind. Plus I never really accepted that I needed them for a medical condition, but saw the social benefit of taking them. I realised more and more that the drugs are not medications but just drugs, kind of like doing alcohol or illicit drugs but socially acceptable (and encouraged). I mean, all they really do is numb you out.

Plus I wanted to escape from psychiatry. The whole system is insane and demeaning and I wanted none of it. I just got ahold of all my old medical records, including years of reports the pdoc sent to my GP. It's insane what he wrote. One day, he said I was "giggly" and "dressed in an uncharacteristically revealing manner which seems seasonally inappropriate" (the letter was dated July). This was a reason to put me on lithium apparently. Another refers to my "delusion" that I was accepted to Oxford at 16, but admits that my parents corroborated the claim and that I did get five A-levels at 16. I dunno, **** like that just made me want out forever.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I haven't DECIDED to come off psych meds as I'm still taking my lamotrigine... IDK (sorry! lol) Decided implies that I've thought this through and have reached a decision, but this is much flimsier than that. I have periods of certainty and then periods where I think I've made a mistake and so I really just don't have a clue what I'm doing.

Hrm, well, I think that picking something and going for it is better than uncertainty, but that's just how I work. If you want off drugs (or certain drugs), then you've got to sort out how you're going to do it. If anything, we crazy folk have to avoid the random actions, because they get interpreted as symptoms of the crazy.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I haven't planned anything like how to cope off meds. I goes I haven't thought that far in advance

Plan!!! Planning is amazing!! Plus: keep records.
/lawyer

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I'm tired of living a life feeling sad and guilty for everything. I want to feel happy again, not all the time but the 'normal' amount. And Mr Cadbury is feeling my wrath at the moment cos I'm never going to lose the imipramine-weight with his chocolate-y goodness on sale everywhere! Grrr! :roll eyes:

The drug weight doesn't come off from diet. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not, but it was a big lie I was told for a long time and it made me feel like a lazy useless piece of **** for not being able to lose the drug weight whilst on drugs. Not to say that eating from Mr. Cadbury's on-offer offerings will not add to the problem.
I want to feel not sad and not angry myself. Happy would be a miracle. If I figure out a way, I'll let you know

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I just got ahold of all my old medical records, including years of reports the pdoc sent to my GP. It's insane what he wrote. One day, he said I was "giggly" and "dressed in an uncharacteristically revealing manner which seems seasonally inappropriate" (the letter was dated July). This was a reason to put me on lithium apparently. Another refers to my "delusion" that I was accepted to Oxford at 16, but admits that my parents corroborated the claim and that I did get five A-levels at 16. I dunno, **** like that just made me want out forever.

I read about this in your thread and it's awful what they wrote and how they used that to justify what they did. Psychiatry is so powerful, it's terrifying.

I'm not anti-psychiatry or anti-meds in general, and I haven't been treated that badly by healthcare professionals, so I don't plan to get out of the system yet. I've accepted that I have severe depression and I would like that to get better, and so I'm still willing to drug myself to try to free myself from this evil depression. It's the psychotic stuff that I struggle with. Part of me thinks that it's the nature of the beast; that I'm confused because of the psychosis and that I should take the meds - maybe this wanting to be punished and this excessive guilt is part of it and could be medicated away?? Part of me doesn't want to believe that there's anything wrong with my reasoning and thinks I've made the whole thing up for attention or something (I haven't exactly worked out why though...) and so don't 'need' antipsychotics.

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Hrm, well, I think that picking something and going for it is better than uncertainty, but that's just how I work. If you want off drugs (or certain drugs), then you've got to sort out how you're going to do it. If anything, we crazy folk have to avoid the random actions, because they get interpreted as symptoms of the crazy.

I totally agree fish. Maybe this randomness IS part of my crazy, IDK?

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Plan!!! Planning is amazing!! Plus: keep records.
/lawyer

Normally I'm hugely in favour of plans and making decisions. I find life very stressful if I don't have things planned out. At the moment though I'm so indecisive I can't even pick an outfit to wear each day!! Never mind important decisions! I stopped, not because I made a decision to stop, though I had been thinking about it, but because I forgot to take my antipsychotic for 2 days and now can't decide whether to start taking it again or not, so I've been putting the decision off by not taking it... Stupid, right!?

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

The drug weight doesn't come off from diet. I don't know if that makes you feel better or not, but it was a big lie I was told for a long time and it made me feel like a lazy useless piece of **** for not being able to lose the drug weight whilst on drugs. Not to say that eating from Mr. Cadbury's on-offer offerings will not add to the problem.

How do I make the weight go away then??????????????? (Not necessarily asking but rhetorical). It makes me so miserable and I feel so out of control. I'd hoped it would slowly drop off on it's own without the imipramine, but it's not happening. Do I need to exercise rather than diet then, or both (I really hate exercise though and am really lazy and unmotivated)??? I hate being so fat but it feels like nothing I try works. Ugh!

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I want to feel not sad and not angry myself. Happy would be a miracle. If I figure out a way, I'll let you know

Happy would be a miracle at this point for me. I'd settle for 100% functioning. I can manage it for short periods of time but I crash again. I don't know how to make it stick It would be nice if everyone could be reasonably happy most of the time and didn't have to suffer from this horrible mental distress, wouldn't it?! PC would be defunct then though!! lol

*Willow*

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I read about this in your thread and it's awful what they wrote and how they used that to justify what they did. Psychiatry is so powerful, it's terrifying.

I'm not anti-psychiatry or anti-meds in general, and I haven't been treated that badly by healthcare professionals, so I don't plan to get out of the system yet. I've accepted that I have severe depression and I would like that to get better, and so I'm still willing to drug myself to try to free myself from this evil depression. It's the psychotic stuff that I struggle with. Part of me thinks that it's the nature of the beast; that I'm confused because of the psychosis and that I should take the meds - maybe this wanting to be punished and this excessive guilt is part of it and could be medicated away?? Part of me doesn't want to believe that there's anything wrong with my reasoning and thinks I've made the whole thing up for attention or something (I haven't exactly worked out why though...) and so don't 'need' antipsychotics.

I dunno. IDK When I was a social worker, I used to ask people if the drugs were really making them better . . . often they'd come to the decision that no, no the drugs weren't really helping. Many people said they did help, though. I think a lot of people get into the trap of trusting doctors/psychiatry and the idea that they will *eventually* find the right drugs, ones they can both tolerate and which alleviate the symptoms, but they never stop to think that they've tried nearly every drug and none of them work. Do you do other depression-releiving stuff? I personally think medicine has the wrong paradigm to deal with emotional distress, and things like diet/exercise, changing life circumstances, dealing with relationships, productive activities, etc. help more.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I totally agree fish. Maybe this randomness IS part of my crazy, IDK?

I imagine it's more a part of life, actually. Especially life as a young adult I know very few people our age who make fully thought-out decisions.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Normally I'm hugely in favour of plans and making decisions. I find life very stressful if I don't have things planned out. At the moment though I'm so indecisive I can't even pick an outfit to wear each day!! Never mind important decisions! I stopped, not because I made a decision to stop, though I had been thinking about it, but because I forgot to take my antipsychotic for 2 days and now can't decide whether to start taking it again or not, so I've been putting the decision off by not taking it... Stupid, right!?

Well, not stupid, just scatty perhaps I hate picking outfits, too, whichi s why my whole wardrobe is black, grey and navy. I went super-wild and bought a deep red jumper the other day and now I just stare at it and wonder how I could possibly ever wear it. I would probably be a naturist if both the climate and my sense of modesty allowed it. (I digress . . . )

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

How do I make the weight go away then??????????????? (Not necessarily asking but rhetorical). It makes me so miserable and I feel so out of control. I'd hoped it would slowly drop off on it's own without the imipramine, but it's not happening. Do I need to exercise rather than diet then, or both (I really hate exercise though and am really lazy and unmotivated)??? I hate being so fat but it feels like nothing I try works. Ugh!

I have no idea. I am still obsessed about my weight even though I diet and exercise and am not actually overweight, just getting doughier. When I was on the drugs I was massive -- up to 25 stone. I was 20 stone when I quit the drugs and I lost ten stone in six months. Ten stone!! For a month or so at the beginning, it was like my body was raining. My pores just opened up and released a ton of . . . IDK . . . fluid. It was nasty and very painful and I couldn't stray too far from the bathtub (so I just slept in it).

I've heard a lot of theories about what causes the weight gain. Abnormal interactions in the stomach acid is a big one I've heard, and usually the recommendation is to take very powerful antacids. (Or just mainline Rennie if your doc won't give you a scrip??) Also I've heard about anti-inflammatory diets, which I was always too lazy to try but probably wouldn't hurt. Exercise never hurts and would probably help with the depression, too. I'm actually less hallucinatory when I'm running, and marathoning is sufficient punishment for even the most masochistic amongst us. :P

Also, dare I ask if you actually weigh an overweight amount?? Women are forced to obsess over what we weigh, but it's usually counterproductive.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Happy would be a miracle at this point for me. I'd settle for 100% functioning. I can manage it for short periods of time but I crash again. I don't know how to make it stick It would be nice if everyone could be reasonably happy most of the time and didn't have to suffer from this horrible mental distress, wouldn't it?! PC would be defunct then though!! lol

*Willow*

Haha, yes, it would be great if everybody were happy. Imagine how many fewer wars we'd have! And we could bond over actual stuff beyond just how miserable we all are :P

[fishsandwich]

PS: I think one of the healthiest things I ever did was to learn not to evaluate my life/decisions/unhappiness through the lens of the diagnosis I was given. I learned to be stupid, chaotic, disorganised, rude, angry . . . even happy . . . without wondering how it fit into that psychiatric way of looking at the world. I wonder if you could work towards that.

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

When I was a social worker, I used to ask people if the drugs were really making them better . . . often they'd come to the decision that no, no the drugs weren't really helping. Many people said they did help, though. I think a lot of people get into the trap of trusting doctors/psychiatry and the idea that they will *eventually* find the right drugs, ones they can both tolerate and which alleviate the symptoms, but they never stop to think that they've tried nearly every drug and none of them work. Do you do other depression-releiving stuff? I personally think medicine has the wrong paradigm to deal with emotional distress, and things like diet/exercise, changing life circumstances, dealing with relationships, productive activities, etc. help more.

I guess that I do keep hoping that the next pill will 'fix' me. I know that I've been on a lot of meds so far but I've not exhausted them yet. I think once I have that I'll have no choice but to move away from psychiatry...into what though, I have no idea. I do all the self-help stuff I'm supposed to - planning activities, volunteering, socialising, studying, spending time outdoors etc. At the moment I lack a T but hopefully that will be rectified when I go back to Uni in Sept. I could do more exercise but I do struggle with fatigue and motivation, which makes it harder to do. Though I do get out and walk the dog every day. Everyone thought that studying medicine was making me depressed and that when I left I'd be magically cured...which didn't happen. I don't know what else there is to do.

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I imagine it's more a part of life, actually. Especially life as a young adult I know very few people our age who make fully thought-out decisions.

The thing is that I used to be one of those few young people who thought everything through and knew where their life was going. I never made a decision without thinking both sides through very carefully. There was never any randomness or taking things as 'signs' or putting off making important decisions. I was clear and logical and decisive.

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

I've heard a lot of theories about what causes the weight gain. Abnormal interactions in the stomach acid is a big one I've heard, and usually the recommendation is to take very powerful antacids. (Or just mainline Rennie if your doc won't give you a scrip??) Also I've heard about anti-inflammatory diets, which I was always too lazy to try but probably wouldn't hurt. Exercise never hurts and would probably help with the depression, too. I'm actually less hallucinatory when I'm running, and marathoning is sufficient punishment for even the most masochistic amongst us. :P

I will research the stomach acid theory tomorrow, thanks! My CPN has tried to organise an exercise referral programme for me, but I don't think it's going to work out before I move to Uni now, so I'm going to get re-referred when I get there. Hopefully having someone I'm accountable to will motivate me and then I'll be in the habit and keep it up on my own. Maybe. I really do hate exercise you know! lol Marathoning is way above me I'm afraid. Even I'm not that masochistic!

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

Also, dare I ask if you actually weigh an overweight amount?? Women are forced to obsess over what we weigh, but it's usually counterproductive.

I'm on the cusp of normal and overweight, and the heaviest I've ever been. I don't so much care about what other people think as want to regain a feeling of control over my own body.

Originally Posted by fishsandwich

PS: I think one of the healthiest things I ever did was to learn not to evaluate my life/decisions/unhappiness through the lens of the diagnosis I was given. I learned to be stupid, chaotic, disorganised, rude, angry . . . even happy . . . without wondering how it fit into that psychiatric way of looking at the world. I wonder if you could work towards that.

I think that I do definitely need to be more accepting of myself in general, but it's not something that comes naturally to me.

I see my CPN on Tues. My last one was very pro-choice about meds and psychiatry, and so I could talk through my confusion without being pushed one way or the other. Just talking it through out loud was often enough to help me reach a decision. I'm hoping that new CPN is equally as open-minded because I have no-one else IRL to run this by (everyone else is pro-meds).

Thank for all your responses fish They've certainly given me a lot to think about

*Willow*

[fishsandwich]

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Everyone thought that studying medicine was making me depressed and that when I left I'd be magically cured...which didn't happen. I don't know what else there is to do.

In all likelihood, leaving was only half the battle. The other half would be to figure out what you actually want to do.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

The thing is that I used to be one of those few young people who thought everything through and knew where their life was going. I never made a decision without thinking both sides through very carefully. There was never any randomness or taking things as 'signs' or putting off making important decisions. I was clear and logical and decisive.

I'm one of those people (I hope), but it doesn't make me any happier. Neither does it make my decisions any better, though it does make them easier to follow through with. I wonder if you're mistaking "good decision" with "easily justifiable and actionable decision".

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I will research the stomach acid theory tomorrow, thanks! My CPN has tried to organise an exercise referral programme for me, but I don't think it's going to work out before I move to Uni now, so I'm going to get re-referred when I get there. Hopefully having someone I'm accountable to will motivate me and then I'll be in the habit and keep it up on my own. Maybe. I really do hate exercise you know! lol Marathoning is way above me I'm afraid. Even I'm not that masochistic!

Why does everybody hate exercise so? I don't understand. I really quite like it, except for the blisters.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I think that I do definitely need to be more accepting of myself in general, but it's not something that comes naturally to me.

I was referring more to the issue of pathologising everyday life than accepting yourself per se. I hate myself, but I no longer view everything as a possible sign of disease. It made me a lot more calm, that view.

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

I'm hoping that new CPN is equally as open-minded because I have no-one else IRL to run this by (everyone else is pro-meds).

Here's to hoping!