Roll Call Twelve

Indeed. Maybe ... just throwing it out there as an idea not because I necessarily think it ... your dad needs you to be dependent so you (addressed to newtus) don't move on and leave him? Maybe you need to be sick so you have an excuse to stay with him?

As faerie says, lots of variables and sometimes underlying motivations. I think I've mentioned before that I fear that when my son finds a gf, she'll be a 'care taker' - which could force my son to stay in the sick role in order to maintain the relationship.

well 1 thing i fear is my dads alcoholism. which my sister and i are planning an intervention when she visits for thanksgiving. idk if itll work ... but idk...

i fear him having another stroke from alcohol and dying and me not being able to be there and save him.

but hehas said some things...like "i dont have anyone to cook for anymore because you dont eat my cooking" cuz i make my own stuff most times or stuff like hell say "idk what id do if you werent here". and stuff.

It can't hurt to investigate alternative living arrangements, newtus. I missed my son right after he moved out, but now I'm happy as a clam. And I talk to my son daily - multiple times a day.

ETA: Tell him to get some chickens.

i have a confession to make. funny...

well i cut my hair like this a week ago. i cut it all off




from this



BUT
since im ...half black and all...one time i got cornrows. thats my confession...i went to this ghettooooo hair salon on purpose and got my hair cornrowed in 2009...i HATED it. n they pulled on my scalp n sh_t it hurt like helll and im never doing it again

Your hair looks cool, you'd really suit a bit of red in it.

I have a friend that got corn rows, he had an afro when he didn't.

Drone outside my house right now

How do you know it's a drone and not some random light? I think if I were worried about that light, I'd be worried about everything. It would be very, very tiring to be alive.

Don't see much but a light. Not something that would concern me at all.

@junkdna - sorry you're not liking the long shifts. They mean nice paychecks though! I always try to keep that in mind. Did you get some insoles for your feet?

It is a drone, other people see the exact same thing and they are saying the same thing, there is no where for that light to come from.

Gr3tta - WTF is your problem?
If you have a problem with me just say it ffs

Oops! Sorry Kureha! It didn't occur to me you would think that was directed at you. It was not. I am sorry.

Oh right, I'm sorry.
It was just the way it looked.
No problem

I took today off work to deal with some things that have been weighing on me. I can't get it all done today but I've got it all in motion so that I know it can and will be resolved. That is better at least. Plus my dogs scared the bejesus out of a religion peddler and that gave me a good laugh!

i love religious people. i love quizzing them on revelations and prophecy.

I could absolutely see you doing this newtus.
Personally I don't like to be bothered at my home. I'd rather see my dogs give them a heart attack. Then I give the dogs cookies and we all laugh about it. But either way we're having some fun with them, right?

i always ask them for free stuff like stickers or books.

if they dont have free stuff they arent worth my time

damn plumbing has been broken for 3 days now.

been pooping and peeing in the same toilet without flushing for days.

yes i did. thanks. my feet dont hurt as bad anymore. welll i made it . 18 hours in 2 days. im off 2 days now. ill see T tomorrow to tell him all about it. an old lady was kind of rude to me today. i finished checking her out and didnt notcie her things were still in the bag thing so i turned it and she was like, "you need to wait until i get my things". iw as like im sorry. but she stared at me rudely. it hurt my feelings for like 5 minutes but then i was ok

sorry for that post. and its not like i shower but i gotta wash my hands...and use the bathroom

Sounds like you must work in some sort of store. My oldest daughter works for a grocery store and she tells me some stories! Just the other day a customer had her in tears. She's very sensitive. Bad thing about thY deal was my daughter didn't do anything wrong but got cursed out by the lady because she was angry that someone took her grocery cart that she left unattended in the middle of an aisle! My daughter said the lady was yelling, cursing, and flopping her arms all around. I just can't understand why someone would be so rude! My daughter was really upset over that. I think the lady scared her. I'm trying to teach my daughter to not let those kind of people get to her.

Does your mom know that the plumbing is broken and you can't flush your toilet? Could you stay with her until it's fixed?
Has your dad called anyone about coming to fix it?
That makes me sad to hear that you're going through that

thank u for askig
she knows
but id rather stay with my dad.
thats how bad our relationship is.
something about being aeound my mom gives me bad energy and i see demons near her a lot. actually see a lot of demons in her house.

my dad called someone and they came today but couldnt do much and are coming tomorrow. that makes about 4 days. ive been washing my hands with bottled water. not flushing toilet. cant wash dishes or do anything without water. and its costing him 4500 dollars. hes so stressed about money cuz we are paying 1000 or so to help my sick cat who is not gonna die anymore BTW she got better. so im gonna have to repay him all of of out of my disability check.

we are becoming poorer and poorer and hes thinking aboutgoing on food stamps. im already on them but only get 15 dollars a month for food. the poorer we get the more stressed he gets and the more he drinks.

and its making me symptoms go high to be stressed too about everyhing from my dying cat to having very little money. so much high that its like i didnt even take medicine. even tho i did. ive been seeig demons a lot and hearing people screaming and stuff and hearihg chatter and stuff. we arent poor poor. but let me just say my dad only had some few thousands in bank acct and i only have a few hundred. we are both on social security for diff reasons. him retirement. me disability.

all this actually takes me back to when my dad and i were borderline homeless with enough money but only a house to stay in with no furniture an no running water or electricity in tthe house. i was using piles of clothes as pillows sleeping on the floor and just had like ...nothigg. it took 4 years until 2011 to really have everything and an ok life but now its going back downhill

I feel for you Newtus. I know it's really hard right now. I hope they'll get your plumbing all fixed up tomorrow. That's great news about your cat getting better. I'm sorry things are like that with your mom. I'm going to keep you, and your family in my prayers. I know what it's like to rebuild from nothing and to be constantly worried about money. I live pay check to pay check and really wish things were different. But I am grateful for what I do have. I know it could be worse. I was homeless before and had to sleep in my car with my kids when they were really little. That lasted for a year and it was absolutely terrible! I almost gave up completely but I firmly believe that with God's help and many, many prayers is what changed our lives for the better. Life is still a struggle but it isn't as bad as it could be. I know that there are many other people who have it tons worse than me. I am blessed.

I worry about the same exact things Newtus. I feel for you. One of my huge fears is becoming desperately poor.

Next year we are moving and that scares me. I just know that there will be mass layoffs at his company next year (while the rest of the economy recovers at record levels with the Dow hitting greater than 17,000). Even though the stock is around 24, it used to be 140 before it split. It has been in the range of 13-30 for a period of 13 years. It was the tech bubble that hit them hard. That was in the middle of 2000. Before then we had it all. We would go on vacation whenever we felt like it. We would get brand new cars and pay the whole thing off like it was nothing.

Now? In our most recent car purchase (we had to get one rather desperately because my dad's company he used to be able to work at home and that was fine but now he is forced to go in everyday) we had to negotiate to make the payments extremely low, and basically said we couldn't even afford it but did it anyway. So now we have an extra payment to worry about that we didn't plan out.

I had some good news that I can't talk about here but I'm fearful that it won't amount to anything because similar promises have been said before and yes, after awhile it didn't amount to much no matter what they try to do.

And to the person talking about Ritalin, I don't know if my pdoc is not as knowledgeable as other docs, but she prescribed me it even though I am schizoaffective bipolar type. Yes, the hallucinations have been getting worse. I don't know if its because of the Ritalin or stress. But I am aware at this moment, but some of the things I am seeing and hearing scares me. And for some odd reason, since the Ritalin my dreams became far more bizarre. Kinda like the movie Inception, the dream levels (dream within a dream within a dream). So this affects my reality testing somewhat because I don't know what is a dream and what is real life. I mean i have dreams that a wake up in my room from another dream and everything seems normal until I realize that was a dream because I woke up for the second time within that dream. OK sorry if that sounds weird. But that has been happening nearly every night now.

But what is most bizarre is that I don't know if its the med or the weather I have been feeling tired more than normal. The thing is my pdoc made the diagnosis of ADD just based on 1 symptom and that was me talking and going from subject to non related subject. But what she doesn't get is that that can happen in schizoaffective as well under "disorganized speech." And that lack of concentration can be a negative symptom or a depressive one. I am not impulsive like a lot of people with ADD are ( my brother at a very young age had ADHD and did all kinds of impulsive things and had it extremely severely). Now, I don't know for sure but isn't ADD and schizoaffective basically opposites? The reason why I say that is the Dopamine levels are opposite. With ADD/ ADHD Dopamine is low, so the Ritalin or related drugs increases it. Schizophrenia/ Schizoaffective is based on high Dopamine levels so anti psychotics decrease it. I have both indications that make no sense some that indicate low dopamine others that show high dopamine levels. OK this is too long, sorry for this post.

thank you cracking/firebird.
im trying to stay hopeful about finances but it seems like whenever my check comes in - the cash just flies out of my bank acct. im spending more than im getting and idk how. i had a few thousand saved up but now only few hundred. i made some bad choices in the beginning but even though im making better ones now its not seeming to slow down. but just slightly.

to see my dad stressed makes me more stressed becuase i know what hes stressed about and i get scared and worried about money too. and anything else.

anyway idk...
ive had a lot of demons following me around lately and i mean that literally. i see them.
i see them hovering over and around me. and around certain people in stores and like my mom.

luckily i see my therapist wednesday but i only get to see her once a month and its not enuf. even tho i need a new therapist im not sure i can afford it.