Roll Call 14

Maxy is Willow's little dog.

Willow I'm sorry you're going through such hard times right now. We're here for you! Please post more so that we can give you our support when you're feeling down.

I'm sorry you're still feeling bad...you know we're always here for you.

Willow and Maxy! My 4 doggies and my kiity and i all rally around you and send our care and support.

Thank you all so much guys! Your kindness has made me cry! I don't feel like I deserve your kind words or hugs, but I appreciate them so much. Part of the reason that I don't post much or talk to my parents about this is that I don't feel like I have a reason to feel like this. It's not that I'm incapable of leaving my bed, I just don't see the point. I don't want to exist, I don't want to go outside, I don't want to pretend things are ok anymore. But then I think that I should be ok - I have my health unlike my Mum, I have family support, I have Max, I'm young, I don't have depression or psychosis according to the hospital - I have no reason not to get out of bed and get a job and stop being a burden on my family and society. So I can only conclude that I'm lazy and pathetic and a whole load of other bad things that mean that I don't deserve to exist anymore. And that just makes me cry even more. So please don't be nice to me cos I don't deserve it

*Willow*

willow

dont let those doctors bring You down. your fears and worries and experiences and issues are valid. very valid.

Willow sweetheart it sounds to me like you ARE going through a depression. Everything you describe sounds like depression to me. And believe me I AM an expert at depression because I deal with it constantly. I am very sorry that you do too. You deserve all good things and kindness Willow! You honestly do!

Willow-this is the only thing i know about emotions: they don't HAVE to have a reason. They just are. You just feel how you feel and that's it. Then you should get to deal with them however you need to hat doesn't hurt others or yourself. If how you need to deal does hurt you or someone else then you should get the opportunity to learn a better way. That's all there is. There is no supposed to or should when it comes to emotions.

I don't mean for this to sound rude but you're kind of the textbook for depression right now...I mean can't get out of bed...no interest in normal activities etc. I'm not sure how your docs can't see this...it genuinely makes no sense to me. Have you gotten in touch with your Uni pdoc and told him what's happening to you? These new doctors sound incompetent.

Thanks Newtus! It's just hard when they completely dismiss everything I say

Thanks Cracking They say I have "low mood" but not depression because apparently depression is only caused by biological/neurotransmitter problems and my low mood is not biological. I'm sorry that you know depression Cracking

It's almost half 3 in the morning here but I'm still too scared to sleep.

*Willow*

Thanks Gr3tta I don't really know what to do right now except hide in my room and cry on and off.

I haven't seen a pdoc since I left the hospital at the beginning of Dec and I haven't been given an appt to see one yet. It's because they think depression is only biological. I was going to write to Uni pdoc but I decided not to. I don't see the point in bothering him when he can't do anything. And these doctors are adamant that I don't have psychosis so what if he was wrong and is no good? They even said that I shouldn't go back to uni there (cos they don't want me to see him again) and implied he was incompetent. I thought he was good and I thought he was right about the sza diagnosis, but I'm off meds and the voices aren't talking any more, so maybe both of us were wrong?! IDK...

*Willow*

First the voices don't have to be constant...you can have remission. Personally I would be happy the voices were gone although I know it's also a loss at the same time. It's possible the ECT did something...

But let's says that you don't have psychosis which you don't seem to right now...you still have depression and that needs treatment...your other doctor whether he thought psychotic depression or sza still thought depression. If you remain untreated you may actually hurt yourself and nobody wants to see that.

In my experience doctors associated with university hospitals are better than the others because they tend to keep up their training more. Second you old pdoc actually listened to you he never forced you to do things against your will...in my book that makes him a better human being and someone I'd rather work with.
So write to him....even if you can't see him he might be able to give you a prescription...

They're not gone, they're just not talking to me any more. I can still feel them near me, judging me, they're just giving me the silent treatment to try and mess with me, make me think that I made them up for attention, but I'm trying not to believe them.

I feel like the ECT lifted me a bit so I could go back to pretending to be ok, which requires a huge amount of energy, even though I didn't feel much better. But that can't possibly be true because ECT only works for biological depression and my low mood isn't biological...so they say...

He won't be able to write a prescription cos he's not allowed to as he's not my Dr any more. The only thing he could possibly do is write to them, and they completely dismissed his 3 page letter saying I had sza disorder before even meeting me, so what would be the point?!

I should probably try to get some sleep as it's 20 past 4 now :/ Thanks for your reply though Sometimes

*Willow*

Ok well I'm glad you posted...I sometimes worry when people haven't posted in a while.

I know this probably isn't the place to post this, but you guys all know me best. I was just saying to my wife how horribly resentful my mother was of any basic thing she did for me (us-my sister and I) . But i was also thinking how this laid the groundwork for me to be an awesome liar. In a good way.

Alcohol.. I wish I felt like this all the time..

I just saw Strange Voices on Netflix instant which is about a young women that had developed schizophrenia. It was interesting to watch because I watch it with my boyfriend and he pointed out the things that I did too like how I break things in a psychotic rage due to my delusions/hallucinations. With the things he pointed out, he demonstrated how difficult it is for people that are trying to help a loved one with schizophrenia can be. I felt kind of bad seeing what he has to deal with at times, but I'm not as bad as that women because I can still go to college and work (for the most part).

i saw that movie. that was a VERY sad movie. how she heard the machines talking to her and stuff.

its hard for me to watch movies on schizophrenia nowadays. if they are properly made - they are very sad. like Strange Voices. Clean Shaven. Keane. etc. all those movies. sO SAD.

it flares up my symptoms.

I thought watching a movie on schizophrenia would be comforting because I figured I could relate to it well like how I relate to this forum. It ended up being the opposite and making me very sad watching it because I related to that girl in the movie too well, especially in the beginning. I have voices tell me false things like my boyfriend cheats on me, everyone hates me, ect. just like the main character in the movie and I believe it because they are so influencing and I do terrible decisions based on what they say like wanting to separate myself from everyone. I felt bad seeing how the voices told her about the lies of her boyfriend cheating, her smashing things, etc. because I do that too. I generally try to keep my symptoms to myself to try to be as functional as possible, but I can't always hide my symptoms and ignore them.

My boyfriend had a good question though. In the movie they mentioned recovering schizophrenics and he was surprised that some schizophrenics can become symptom less. He wanted to know how a schizophrenic would know they were recovered if they always take meds, would they have to stop and find out the hard way? I couldn't answer his question since I never met anyone who was seriously ill with schizophrenia become symptom less. I'm assuming this is more common in people that have a more milder case of schizophrenia.

People are generally considered recovered when they no longer have symptoms or have them very intermittently whether they are on meds or not....the criteria are different for different research studies though...some of them require things like employment or relationships as indicators of functional recovery. But I can tell you the way my doctor handled things you have to have 6 months symptom free on meds then you slowly taper off them. Most of his patients had sz. The tapering process is very long like 6 months or more even from a low dose of AP so if you're going to relapse it's likely to happen during the taper then you just go back to a higher dose. I don't have sz but I had a month and a half of psychosis....at 1 year we tried tapering and I felt unbelievably angry and was filled with anxiety so we stopped. I told him we'd try again in a year because that followed the British model. A year later I was afraid I would feel the same anger and did not want to try...he spent at least half our appointment explaining to me why I should go off the meds. I was terrified....it is actually my first post of PC. I had never actually heard of anyone recovering except from brief psychotic disorder which is 1 month or less. I didn't want to relapse. It wasn't worth it because it had taken a full year to feel well again. But somehow I ended up doing it anyway...just one more try and it worked. I am two months off the meds now and feeling great.

my symptoms never have let up. they are bad. even on meds. i just assume ill have them for the rest of my life. imon 100mg haldol injection and still get bad symptoms. really bad. thats why i dont want them to raise my meds. im trying to learn how to live with them and not be so drugged up.

I'm so stupid!!! I couldn't get to sleep until gone 5am, and so I didn't get up until 5pm, which means I'm never going to be able to sleep tonight and so it's just going to spiral on and on. Plus Dad is mad with me because he tried to get me to get out of bed and go out for a walk with him this afternoon and I refused, and I refused to tell him why I won't go out. Plus Mum keeps hassling me to come up with some goals for the OT on Tuesday even though I don't have any. FML!

*Willow*

I am really feel for you.

I know exactly what it is like to be ignored by psychiatrists. A misdiagnosis caused them to shrug me off, which was very frustrating. They accused me of making up my symptoms and explained that they were traumatic memories from uncovered abuse which was ********. This awful experience taught me keep my problems to myself and lie about what is going on.

Lately I have been trying to understand my "illness". I have been wondering if I have one or not. My family doctor triggered all this when I saw her earlier this month for my stomach. It is hard not having a clear answer. The doubt I feel is unbearable at times.

Can you find another doctor? It is very important that you be heard and respected. A psychiatrist is meant to work with you, not against you. When they come up with inane explanations it is because they cannot admit they don't know what is going on. Often this is because they failed to look at other possibilities. A lot of them lack the ability to question, observe and listen. They tend to get one idea in their head and fixate on that. When the diagnosis is wrong this can cause harm. If the explanation and diagnosis doesn't make sense it is time to get another doctor.

Sometimes is right about psychiatrists affiliated with a university. They tend to keep up to date and are more reasonable.

Willow I hate when that happens to me. Usually when I have an extended period of time off from work is when I experience sleepless nights. Then it makes me sleep during the day hours and totally messes up my sleep pattern. What I usually end of doing is forcing myself to stay up in order to get my sleep pattern turned back around. It is a miserable process. I'm very sorry you are experiencing this right now.
As far as goals maybe you can just start small. Like make the goal to turn your sleeping pattern around. Set a goal to stay out of your bed for a certain amount of time each day. For me I usually set up little goals to accomplish around my house. Like sort out a certain closet. Rearrange my bedroom. Wash all my bedding. Wash all my coats and laundry. Just small goals that accomplish something I needed to do and that gets me up and active. It might sound silly but when I get super depressed and don't feel like moving an inch this really helps me. Even small stuff like setting the goal to shower and wash my hair and shave my legs. To a "normal" person this is automatic. But to a seriously depressed person these tasks are extremely hard to accomplish. But I force myself and finally I am able to get back on track. This works for me. I hope and pray that you'll be able to find something that works for you. Hang in there!