Roll Call 20

A risk to the community...why did he say that?

That's what I'm trying to figure out....so how long after taking it did you throw it up?

a risk to the therapeutic community i belong to. he said if i killed myself it would have a huge impact on the residents and staff. he was saying that im a risk because i was suicidal and he should probably just refer me out to another program. it hurt my feelings.

Does it feel good or bad?

Wow that's super cold I mean if a T threatens to drop you when you are most in need what kind of T is that? I think I'm going to take back what I said about him being awesome because he'll text you and change it to maybe you should seriously think about dropping him albeit he may be more affected by the other deaths in your program and not right in his own thoughts but you shouldn't have to deal with that...

he isnt normally like that but i think he is just really scared of it happening again and was trying to keep me from doing it by saying things i wouldnt like to happen. please dont think he isnt a good therapist. i think his bluring boundaries and showing his fears about it in the wrong way. but we talked it out. i told him it made me mad and defensive. i think he was trying to prevent me from doing it by saying things like that to deter me from doing it. i dont know. it was confusing and made me feel bad.

sometimes he can be really confusing.

Yeah I mean I understand he's really upset by the others but what I'm saying is he is the pro and should be comforting you and not vice versa you know...I mean I'm glad you're really happy with him but yeah maybe he has blurred the lines a bit...

maybe 10 min.

i do think he has blurred the boundares in our relationship because we have been working together for so long. im scared to tell him that though. because i dont know if you know this but i had a therapist from when i was 16 to 23 and we started a romantic relationship that turned into something very bad. i ended p telling my pdoc about it and he lost everything. then i met my current T in the program im in. its somewhat a trigger for me that he blurs the boundaires but i know its not sexual at all. but i feel uncomfortable bringing it up to him. i wonder if he sees it too.

OK so it gets into the blood by 2 hours so if it was that long you probably absorbed your full dose....before that I can't tell. As far as tomorrow I might just slowly move it a couple hours each day...say your alarm is at 8am try 10am tomorrow and then noon the next day until you are taking it when you want. A couple hours won't matter but I worry about waiting until tomorrow night.

ok thanks ill do that.

Personally if it were me I'd take it tonight the safest bet would be to call a pharmacist but I can't imagine you got much of a dose in ten minutes if it takes 2 hours normally...

Sorry I missed your first response before responding with that 2 hour deal...either way you want though I think is safe...

i just texted T this:

im still a little hurt that you said you should refer me out. that huurts my feelings. i feel likewhen im suicidal is when i need you the most and it seems cold that you would drop me in that circumstance. that hurt. it made me feel like i shouldnt say if i feel suicidal because you wouldnt want me there anymore. but i honestly feel like i collaborate with you to be safe. i know i havent in the past when you committed me but i think things ar emuch different now.it just felt really cold like you dont care about me. when i say im suicidal its because i want help with the feelings and not that i want to send you into a panic.i thought thats why we do safety contracts,. it seemed more about yourself and less about me and my feelings. it really hurt my feelings.

i dont think he will respond. but we will talk about it on monday i assume

Yeah that's creepy with your first T...although I have to admit I did have this fantasy about my pdoc for a while...there is something about having someone who really seems to care about you...My T was female so we never had that and current pdoc is female too but man first pdoc I got so attached to eventually my brain decided he was most like a stuffed animal I wasn't allowed to play with...it was interesting because on some level I recognized that much like a stuffed animal a lot of my idea of what he was came from me...I mean I really didn't know him all that well despite working with him for 2 years and like a stuffed animal he was super comforting but it was like he was someone else's of something so I knew that I should never just run up and hug him or something although once I seriously wanted to pet his hair it was bizarre...

But yeah sometimes the lines get a little blurry when people really care...

Junk, i think its goodt hat you clarified to T how you feel. You should be able to do that, and its important for him to know. I am glad you spoke up for yourself.

I think that's an excellent thing to say and I hope he realizes just how awesome you are to realize all that and call him on it rather than let the relationship deteriorate...

thanx gr3tta. i feel better to now that i let him now how it really made me feel.

sometimesPsychotic- yes it was creepy. we were wroking together for 5 years before he made a move on me. we would have sex during therapy appointments. then he wanted me to go swinging with him. like couple swapping. he would take me to other mens house to watch me have sex with them. i didnt want to but felt like i had to in order to keep him in my life. he groomed me. and isolated me from my friends. he was all i had in my life. after 2 years of us "dating" i turned him in to the board of psychology. then sued him. at first i felt guilty for ruining his life. but now i just hate him. some people dont get it. tthey blamed me for it. sying i seduced him and ruined his life. people in the town said that. but his wife divorced him too after she found out. it was all so confusing. i thought he loved me and i loved him. only when i was out of the relationship did i see how wrong it was.

Wow...that is so disturbing...I would really bring this up with your current T...I mean if it were me I would have huge trust issues...

thats a hell of a story junkdna. im glad your out of that situation now.

he knows all about it and we've worked thru it all. i did a lot of testing of him to finally trust him. i trust my current T a lot. but i still have trust issues with other people. and i see sex as traumatic now. so i dont do it.

hi I am new here.

Hey Bonnie. How are you?

Oh I'm so sorry that happened to you but I'm glad you've gone over it with your T hopefully it's just a little bit better than it was...