Roll Call 21

How are you doing KUREHA?

i know im gonna fail again i just know it and its gonna be soon. cuz i stopped my meds. i have to to lose weight. im sorry.

Punky - I'm a bit freaked out, hoping some things aren't true, but everything is pointing to it is, thanks for asking

Newtus - be careful.

Voices are loud but am going to try and sleep
hopefully they will let me sleep

ill try. i know things get worse but i gotta get this weight off.

and my therapist also told me not to stick my finger down my throat. im thinking "wtf is this" because like idk how my many ACTUALLY stick their finger down their throat with a ED. but i dont even have to. i can throw up on command. especially since im anxious all the time and my anxiety causes me to throw up sometimes. im thinking shes playing on stereotypes or something. or am i wrong?

No. Your just a puker.
Anxiety makes you throw up. Some are like that.
As long as you dont do it on purpose then you are fine.
(((hug)))

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i was also thinking about how like its so much easier for me to talk about that stuff than my sz. its so hard for me to talk about sz. because its so embarassing for me. and i do weird things. ugh its just hard even here.

I have the same feeling. I went to see my docs about my sz and they started asking me questions in front of my mom. Like, I don't want to talk about this with her right there. It's personal. And they were acting like it was weird for me to ask her to leave. It's so embarrassing...

Now with my ED there's not really any shame in talking about it... It's a little embarrassing but I'm ok if my mom knows what's going on with that...

I know that I'm not sz but I relate to being embarrassed bc of my mental illness.

When it comes to a certain topic I get triggered. Recently this last episode sucked. I was freaking out crying and not being rational. I even got so paranoid I asked my case manager if she was involved in the topic I get triggered about. Anyway, it's embarrassing. I know the neighbors hear when I'm freaking out so bad.

But the bright side is once I get some sleep and calm down I can laugh at myself. My son and family are like remember when... some of it I don't totally remember bc my mind is racing so fast. But it helps me to laugh at myself. I don't know if that would help you guys.

Btw newtus, I worry about u going off ur meds. right now until I'm completely stable they had to add a med, doxepin. It makes me crave sweets like crazy. I had lost 20lbs but I've gained back 11 of it. It sucks but for me I choose being able to sleep over losing weight right now.

I just hope you'll be ok.

Ugh so stressed because the people I'm staying with are rude and argumentative... Can't sleep

i feel alot better than i have been the past few weeks, i blame it on seasnal affective disorder

Yes. I don't know what it is about hallucinations and the bathroom but I'm always terrified to go in there because it always seems like SOMETHING happens. Blah.

I'm so sick of being bored. Does anyone have any ideas on what I could do to fill my time? I'm thinking about getting some art supplies and learning to paint. Or taking a online spanish class. I do have a puzzle I could start. I'd have to clean off the table though.

Maybe some good websites to go to or something.

well i started working yesterday. i had to do training for 3 hours. just sitting in a really cold room watching videos. it sucked so much. i could barely handle it. but then they put me on a register and i was fine. i picked it up easily. i work today 5 to 9 30. then i work 7am to 2pm monday and wednesday. i dont really wanna get up at 6am but whaatever. feel tired already.

mom says i should be thankful for the job. i am. really. but i can still complain about it cant i

Yeah what are u doing exactly?

it wouldnt be a job if you couldnt complain. thats what im always told

i went to bed at 1am then woke up early at 5am and couldnt sleep. then i went back to bed finally. i can already tell my medicine is out of my system because im not sleeping well.

My friend said I need to remove my tin foil hat.

I'm not crazy.

I wish u wouldn't put ur body through that. U could work on losing weight by exercising. That's what I need to do. I have a hurt back though. How many mgs were u on?

cashier at a grocery store. i like it all right. its easy. thast what i did at wal mart was a cashier. so i picked up the routine pretty quickly

I've had soooo many jobs. I worked in retail for a long time, then office work. Since my back injury I haven't worked. I'm half way done with 2 degrees. When I get a car I'm hoping to go back to college for administrative assistant degree.

Also I need to be stable.

Have u thought about going to college?

i am in college. community college. im taking like 2 classes a semester. going slow. but i plan to transfer to a university after i get my associates degree

Right on! Good for u. Being in college was the best time of my life. I miss those days. Enjoy it.