Roll Call 24

i just feel like i gotta go back to her and tell her im sorry and maybe if i stay on my meds she wont put me in hospital.

Did you want to go back on injections and see a pdoc at that clinic?

Also do you know if she's willing to continue therapy....its actually considered appropriate for a therapist to terminate if they've been threatened...

"End of therapy

You should know the difference between treatment termination and abandonment.

• Psychologists can ethically discontinue treatment when clients aren’t benefiting from therapy, may be harmed by treatment, no longer need therapy or threaten the therapist, themselves or others.
  "
• Potential ethical violations

i didnt know that. so far im not aware of her canceling appts on me since i was supposed to show up last thursday but didnt. i think im supposed to show up this thursday too. she made a months appt ahead of time

im not sure if that first question about injections was rhetorical but i have thought about going back on injections a little bit

Thank you sorry I was just being hypersensitive.well as you can all see my name is Lilly and I hail originally from Canada.I have a problem with being hypersensitive and I worry about everything I do and say because of that.so just dont mind me if I ever get act strangely of it.so I am fairly new to all of this have any of you had any success with your problems?when I got my diagnosis I felt like my chances of a normal life were over........but maybe there is some kind of hope?

should i tell her im sorry for threatening her. i feel like i should

My son also hates to leave his house, but he makes himself. He says it gets easier after a while.

I think there's always hope.

nevermind i just called my old therapist and she told me i have to sign an agreement with her provider or boss or something to continue seeing her and if i break those rules i will be discharged from seeing her or if i refuse to sign the rules i will be discharged that day from seeing her.

i guess you were right sometimesp. i really messed up yet at the same time she really wasnt helping me much. so its probably for the best that i dont see her. i probably shouldnt even go back to sign anything because i would probably be signing my life away.

I guess my concern is she might not even be aware of who she is seeing/scheduled to see so much as that she needs to be at work between 9-5 but I don't know how effective she will be if she is uncomfortable with you.

It was not rhetorical---I honestly believe you were doing better on injections and you might be able to work out like a 50mg dose if they would keep it at that and not just bump it up despite your not wanting to. Still the reason I asked is that particular therapist seemed really focused on getting you back into her clinic and probably back on injections so if you're not up for that its going to be a constant battle...something to think about...

Sorry I wrote my reply while you were typing your last comment but here is the thing---you can always go back to this T if you don't like the new one and sign whatever they want you to but for now I would just see how the new one is. He has much better training/education and I suspect he is just much better overall. Moving forward....

but idk what these "rules" are she stated. she said she didnt know yet. and if the rules are to go back to that clinic then im just not sure because they were very controlling over there with meds. they are def going to put me back on 100mg haldol i know this sometimesp

i mean should i even go back to see what these "rules" are?

im very depressed. i dont want to live anymore. i f_cked up so many resources in this town that i had. i just dont want to live anymore. i really want to die. i told my dad this a couple a days ago and all he said was "you have so much to live for". but its not true.

Personally I would just move on....I know you formed an attachment but what she sees is how to get you "well" regardless of the cost----her primary goal is I believe monitoring for and eliminating psychosis even if it makes your quality of life poor---ie extreme sedation etc. She's not looking to make you feel happy or anything like that but instead to cut out the psychosis. It's one type of approach and it probably works for some people but I honestly think the most effective treatment is finding something that gets you to a level of function you are comfortable with ie you might have some symptoms but they are tolerable and you might have some sedation but you aren't sleeping 16 hours a day either you know. If the meds just magically work then great but even for me the didn't eliminate everything initially and I was not willing to put up with lacatation etc as a symptom in order to progress to an even higher level of meds...so that's why I always promote something kind of intermediate because it worked well for me---you don't want to be hospitalized once a month but you don't want to be a zombie because of high med levels either...

i guess ill just move on. now idk if i want to see a therapist anymore. im just very depressed now because ive messed up so many resources

I know things suck right now but I'm reminded of when I was a teenager---people were exceedingly mean to me at school, I had no friends etc but that just made me work harder because I was going to show them what I could become and how stupid they were to ever doubt me. It's not the most positive approach but once I did get to a point where I was successful I didn't think negatively toward these people at all. I could have never predicted where I would end up today though---I mean I've got a PhD....nobody in my family even finished college. Right now you're in the struggle part of things but who knows where you could be in ten years? What do you want to do? Set a goal and start working toward it. You mentioned school...obviously that's something you still want to do....so what do you need to get there? You need to be stable to some extent, going to the hospital is not great if you have an exam to be at...so set that as goal one----get to a point where you are taking your meds in whatever form is optimal for you get stable for like 6 months or so and then apply to school again...What do you want to do socially. I know its hard because you are so rural but you mentioned a starbucks....perhaps you could meet some fun people there? You mentioned before wanting to volunteer...that's another social thing. It is far to soon to give up...things might not be optimal now but you have to work hard and build them to get where you want to go and you will get there...

The new one looks very good are you afraid to meet with him?

yes i am and because hes so far

i dont see myself living long

You'll be OK---a lot of this is just stepping outside of a comfort zone a bit and then you get more used to it and it's not a big deal. I remember in jr high and high school I had stopped talking to people entirely for like 2 years and when I eventually got sort of forced to interact my palms were sweaty like 24/7 and I mean it took like a year for me to even be comfortable with people again but its sort of a necessary part of life so I'm glad that I went through it and became more social again. I probably never would have been able to get a job if I had stayed that isolated but it was super hard---my anxiety levels were off the charts and I was constantly worried about what people thought of me or what I could say to them and then at some point that mostly went away and I could eat lunch with someone quite casually without some sort of nervous overload....anyway the point is its going to suck but you'll come out better for having gone though it later...

There's no reason why you shouldn't....I mean right now you're kind of at the bottom of a pit looking up but there is nothing to stop you from climbing out of the hole....besides...what if something else were effective. If it were me I would give everything a chance before I gave up entirely. Cloazpine...yeah its sucks in terms of monitoring but you know why not try it and see how it feels. TMS..why not? I mean why not find out. If your alternative is not living then just about anything starts to look worthy of an attempt...what could it hurt?

i really want to kill myself. ive been takig my depression medicine like clockwork now and its not helping

My meds aren't doing a damn thing for my depression right now either.

No advice but yeah, I get it. It ****ing sucks.

i want to shoot myself in the head with my dads guns

Haven't you only been on the depression meds for like a week now post hospital. The first sign that things are getting better is actually feeling suicidal---so much so its a drug warning. Give it a month...it would be a shame if you did something because chemical was modifying your mind in a weird way you know...

How about no.