Roll Call 25

i do have therapy. and i was supposed to see her next week. now itll be 3 weeks because they just informed me shes ON VACATION!. ugh. that tore me up.

Does therapy help? That must be frustrating as hell

not much but i may not be utilizing it that well either. i go in there - i rarely talk - sometimes have been psychotic in there so i couldnt talk. i would say half of the time in psychotic in there.

So its good that you are thinking because you want stuff to change....however its sounds like you are focusing on stuff that is beyond your control. So money sucks when you get your $500 back from school it will be better but you can't make that go any faster. Weight....all you can do is exercise more and eat a reasonable 1200-1800 calories a day---stopping the meds is not a long term option and frankly not even a short term option if you are set on keeping your T and staying out of the hospital. Mom---well honestly you cannot change other people but you can change how you react to them---work on that aspect of it. Dad again he is probably working to support you and needs to do it---you aren't going to change his mind so enjoy the time you do have together and work on changing yourself so you are less reliant on your dad. Focus on how you can change yourself to better adapt to the situation you have and don't try to change the situation itself....

hm...
idk where to start with changing.

with the weight gain im eat between 500 and 800 cals a days.

with my mom - i continually try to work with her because i love her but yet hate her at the same. love/hate relationship.

my dad - idk what id do without him. hes my everything.

Well for the weight gain you need to eat at least 1200 calories or your body will enter starvation mode and burn less calories. Also if you are too restricted you might binge later...

With your mom the best thing is to ask a therapist what to do---they tend to be really good at sorting relationships. I also know you have gotten good advice on how to deal with her on here.

With your dad...its not that you have to give him up but you have to have alternatives...you are much younger and at some point you will outlive him...this is one of the reasons people start dating and forming their own families later on. If you don't feel like dating start with friendships...again your therapist should have some ideas and I know we've been though some internet based options etc on here. Once you have other support although your dad will still be very important to you, you will have alternatives that can make you feel good when he isn't available...

thanks.
ill try to do better in therapy i never been good at it. talking and stufff. period. but i wont see her til june 9th. apparently shes "on vacation". probably ignoring me. canceling my appts on purpose im sure.

im still have visuals and voices right now. my dad looks like he has blacked out eyes and stuff.

my dads drunk i dont like it

btw the new therapist guy asked me if i was eating enough and said i should be gettig 1200 to 1800 a day. i was thinking like *wow no way thats too much*

Thanks for that Sometimes! I've been reading and it seems to be linked to psychosis. I know the Ed Psych a few years ago said I had visual processing difficulties (I was really slow at copying letters and symbols yet still made tonnes of mistakes), so maybe I also have auditory processing problems too??

They sound a bit grandiose with the whole "connected to the suffering of others" IMO, but I hope that one person doesn't put you off going back. I'm glad that you've found it good so far. I'm too chicken to go to a support group IRL :/





It can be hard to follow when people don't use full stops, but it sucks that somebody had a go at you about it.

I find animals soooooo helpful too. And I worry about the same thing when people stop and stare



Maybe when you are actively psychotic, it is harder to have insight, but outside of a full-blown episode, it's common to have a degree of insight. As with everything, insight exists along a continuum. I don't think that thinking you have sz (having insight) means that you don't have it

It sucks that the injections hurt so much, but I'm glad the voices have gone

You have to do it anyway Newtus, or you will never change anything about your life and stay miserable

I agree.

Aww sounds like my first kitty, though she wasn't a kitten when we found her. One of our neighbours threw her out cos they bought a massive snake and were worried that the cat would eat the snake, instead of the other way round! lol

This is what ACT says: you have to work towards your values. You can set goals along the way, but as long as you are travelling towards your values, not achieving a specific goal is less important. My ACT book has arrived and, when I've read it, which may take a while I'm afraid, I will post up the stuff about values for you guys. I didn't really 'get' the acceptance stuff, but the values bit makes sense to me.

I'm reading An Unquiet Mind and it's really good, much better than Henry's Demons. With Henry's Demons I just didn't *feel* the experiences: the descriptions were sort of bland, whereas An Unquiet Mind is more emotive and the detail is richer, so the experiences feel more real when I read it, like with the Elyn Saks book The Centre Cannot Hold. I recommend An Unquiet Mind if you have bipolar or bipolar sza or are interested in knowing more.

*Willow*

i feel so alone in this fight. i feel like i need the hospital (the good one!) but at the same time i feel like i should fight my own symptoms on my own and struggle on my own

It's fighting on your own that tends to end up in psychosis---a lot of that starts with isolation and withdrawal----recovery is a team effort if you need the hospital and more people etc. then go in the way you insurance is set up you'll pay the same whether you go in for a day or a few months/weeks so do what you need to.

Yeah I'm not sure what values are exactly more help on this would be great I think for us all..

Work is over for me now. Today was my first day of summer break. I didn't feel very well today. I've felt very dizzy on and off all day. This is different. I'm not sure why this is happening. I've been under tons of stress lately. Now I have lots of time on my hands. Too much time to sit and think.

I think values are things like... "it is important to be a hard worker." Or maybe "putting family first is the best option." They are more like general belief statements on ideal behavior. I think it is important to stick to your values. But, I think it's also good to have goals.

You guys remember me saying my 19 year old daughter was coming off the Celexa? Well for the last three weeks she's been taking 20mg one day then 10mg the next then 20mg etc. Well I ask her if she's noticed anything different. She sometimes experiences a very rapid heartbeat. Every now and then. She said the most noticeable thing was feeling like she was getting her emotions back like she can feel stuff now. She said she can cry again but hadn't been able to since she's been on the Celexa. We'll continue to taper.

my dad says i need to get a grip on my life and help myself and not the hospital.

I don't think you should struggle on your own. I think if you feel like you'd benefit from going to the good hospital then you should go. Maybe they can help you stay on your medications and also help you with your weight struggle. Maybe you should talk this over with your dad

I just posted then I saw this. Maybe he isn't understanding that you need help to get a grip on your life.

Maybe it's because the hospital didn't help me AT ALL and just made everything worse, but I just don't see the point in going in unless you have to What do you hope the hospital will help you achieve Newtus?

*Willow*

I know that I will need to make myself a schedule to keep me busy now that I'm not working. If I don't and I just sit and think and dwell on past stuff then I'll become extremely depressed again. I can't let that happen.

yeah but depending on your values in that sense I get the feeling that if you don't value work or social interaction or whatever then you will never move forward past watching TV---a lot of values are don't hurt other people,lie cheat or steal etc that's why I was wondering if there was a difference with the ones willow was talking about....I mean it's easy to keep those kind of values intact by not interacting with people...

That's a good idea Cracking. I'm the same way if I don't have structure

I will do my values ACT homework and start the ACT book asap, so I can let you guys know. I don't want to give examples now that might be wrong or confuse the issue further.

*Willow*

i guess ive been too many times but i hoped i guess idk. that they could find a better depression med for me and could help me open up in a group or something.

IDK maybe this is all ridiculous thinking

My therapist is in for some "fun" when she's back from vacation. I don't know why I bother, therapists are just stupid and they have no idea what I'm going through. None of them do. I've gone through so many therapists and I have yet to find one who really sees me as the unique person I really am. I feel so disrespected by therapists. I hate hate HATE statements like, "oh everyone feels that way" and the like. I am NOT everyone! I am ME, I am different and I am so beyond sick of therapists not understanding this.