Roll Call 26

to everyone who's struggling

I've spent all day in bed cos I feel like crap. Pretty low recently

This is cool! I sent the article to my co-worker who has really bad migraines. It looks like something out of Star Trek or Star Wars, LOL.

You know, stuff like this can help. Wearing magnets on your wrists helps with somethign but I can't remember what it is. You'd think humans are not effected by magnets but we are. It's amazing. A co-worker wears magnet bracelettes every day because it helps her somehow, and she's an old super conservative type lady who believes in Western Medicine, so it must work.

to everyone having a bad day. Medicalfox, Kurhea, Starstrike, Lilly, and justme. and anyone else I missed.

so i just finished reading that guy who shot 7 people in CA's manifesto. it was an autobiography. it was so dark. i am emotionally affected. i shoudlnt have kept reading it. i started reading it at 11am. now its 4pm. it was 141 pages long. i dont know why i kept reading it. i feel like theres something wrong with me. like i feel bad now. after reading all that. not for him. but like, affected emotionally by it. ugh. why am i so morbid

I think it's very normal to be affected by what you read. I read two books earlier this month that I just could not put down until I had completed them. I was affected by both and it even brought back some of my past memories from abuses that I've suffered through. So I decided I should take a break from reading those types of books for a while. I was interested in how the two girls I read about got through the abuses they suffered.

The one positive thing is they aren't just saying he had sz as is the norm in these cases but from the vague media things I've read he sounded very entitled like everything should just come to him including women with like zero effort on his part. I can't imagine...at the same time I feel like the fact that he had therapists etc and even had the cops visit might make it more apparent to people that restricting rights is not the way to go ie forcing treatments or enacting new laws isn't going to prevent this kind of thing because they all already happened in this case.

Reminds me of the unabomber---I started reading his manifesto but I got bored and quit----but that guy was actually part of a psych experiment the whole time he was at college and they think it could have even triggered his illness because it was basically an abusive experiment.

i dont know how to shake this feeling. i guess with time it will pass. it was just very disturbing. and i judge myself for being interested in disturbing things.
i texted T about it and he either is in a session or didnt want to respond. so now i think he might be judging me too.

also i just realized i forgot to take my morning meds.

T just responded cuz i asked him if i should take my meds now or wait til tomm. he said to take them now. he didnt comment on my morbid endeavor

My understanding is they like to keep the therapy in the therapy session and outside contact is supposed to be for sort of brief interactions like how to apply techniques you've learned/meds etc. so maybe he's waiting until you see him again?

IDK hes been therapeutic with me thru text before. weve had therapy talks thru text. but sometimes he just doesnt respond and sometimes he responds a lot. he might just not know what to say. i dont typically get upset if he doesnt respond. but right now im afraid he thinks something is wrong with me. but im just projecting cuz i feel like something is wrong with me myself

There's nothing wrong with you He might just be busy and unable to text a lot right now.

I just think this would be a hard issue to deal with via text---its not a 160 character kind of thing....

yeah i agree.i meet with him on friday at 11. im sure he will bring it up. ive talked to him before about my interest in disturbing things.

I just wanted to add that there is nothing wrong with you at all---lots of people are reading this manifesto and are clearly fascinated by the whole thing or it wouldn't be all over the news etc. I think it goes against everything we believe and are taught so its maybe a desire to want to understand why it happened etc. is this guy like me or anyone I know, could it happen here or to me etc. I don't think anything is wrong with that it's curiosity and a desire to understand and knowledge seeking is generally a positive trait....

well i feel better than i did earlier. i told T that and he said good. i want to go to bed early. so i took my meds. im off tomorrow. but back to work on Friday. im planning on going to hearing voices group tomorrow. but i have to ask T if its going on or not. he helps facilitate that group. i was supposed to be a facilitator but im too scared to do it. i even went to the training with T in a different state. it was a bad experience because my voices came back near the end of the week of training and i had to fly on a plane with the voices telling me that people were going to attack me. T sat next to me on the flight and tried to distract me by showing me pictures in the magazines. he rubbed my arm and that made me feel a littler better.

anyway. idk why i just typed all that. i hope the group is going on tomorrow so i can go.

I have a interest in disturbing things too I will read about ways people have died throughout history and there have been times where I will be watching a tv show about the holocaust or other horrible things that show images and video clips of death and stuff and I wont look away when other people do.it really scares me sometimes and makes me feel like a unhuman freak but I also dont feel much emotion towards it either other people will be crying or scared I will just be watching feeling nothing.it makes me feel unhuman. I care about others but its hard for me to feel certain emotions from things.Horror movies dont scare me either.because I am used to seeing horrible things all the time from my hallucinations.I feel bad for others I can feel compassion I care but sometimes its hard for me to express or feel my emotions.I have been told I am emotionally flat and dont get excited like if a car almost hits me I dont even freak out or feel anything from it other people would be screaming and then relieved they werent hit.I dont feel like this all the time sometimes my emotions are totally normal I just go through phases of where I FEEL nothing literally.

sometimes others dont believe me when I say I am feeling nothing at all they cant seem to understand how one can feel nothing but I do.I will feel no emotion like a robot or something.its just a phase though and it will pass.

I wrote about this once somewhere here I will post it I found the post saved in a windows notepad file.When the darkness comes over me I feel nothing like a empty shell am I even human anymore?I wonder am I a monster am I even here?silence becomes me laying still I cant move anymore the shadows dancing on the ceiling all around me they whisper they taunt me but I lay frozen still lifeless but still here trapped in the void its never ending I hear them calling my name but I cannot answer I hear them coming my way but I cannot look all I can do is stare into space even the most extreme pleasure would I be able to enjoy not even if the world were on fire would it phase me because I have lost my touch with my human side and the monster has taken over once again.

I am leaving this house. My husband has been trying to force Bean and I out for weeks now. Even calling the police to try and make them force us to leave. The police gave me a card with his number written on it for domestic violence. I finally give up. We leave in the next few days.

Bean does not deserve this. She cannot be raised to think all a woman deserves is to be treated this way.

I will not allow a man to teach her that this is how to be treated.

She is begging to leave this house and I dont blame her. It is a neverending hell with the hurtful filth that comes out of his mouth.

I am so sad and scared to go across the country to a place I dont know. But it is the only way to get away from him. Its my fault. I put Bean and I in this situation and I am so sorry for that.

We will finally have peace in our life instead of chaos. There was never peace and happiness here. Only his drama and crisis all day long every day.

He is an abuser who will never admit or accept that fact. It will always be someone elses fault and in this case, mine.

I am a kind, loving, well educated woman who fell for sweet talk and then it turned to poison.

Sorry about putting this here on roll call but you are all my friends and I need you all so much right now. I cant stop crying.

I have so much guilt for allowing this behavior and for allowing Bean to see it. We should have left years ago with the first warning signs.

Thank you for listening. Oxox

punky

Punky, abuse is absolutely NEVER your fault. Ever. Even if you had begged him to do it, you wouldn't have deserved it.

Punky: I am so proud of you Thank you for sharing this on Roll Call. I know you and I have been talking on PM about this all week. I've been so worried about you and Bean. I know you will receive much love and support from your friends here. Please continue to keep us posted about what is going on. I never want to lose touch with you. I will keep you and Bean in my daily thoughts and prayers

Punky: You ARE a very strong lady and you and Bean will get through this. You both deserve a better life!

Hugs, Punky.

Punky... Love... I hope you take the steps to get out of that situation. You and bean don't deserve it. My sister is also getting out of a domestic abuse situation. She's being harassed by her ex and his friends and family. You're not alone in this.

newtus: I hope you are okay today. I haven't seen you post.