Roll Call 41

I'm doing better. I've been really up and down over this, not in a bipolar way, though. Just between self-hatred and feeling alright. No elation, though my energy level has been very high despite sleep deprivation.

I made a list of my strengths. I was surprised to find that I could think of quite a few. Here they are:

-my intelligence
-my creativity
-my quirky way of seeing the world
-my interest in philosophy
-my persistence/refusal to give up
-my spiritual view/my belief that every human soul is worth the same amount, infinity
-my compassion
-my friendly nature
-my ability to know that my emotions are irrational even though I can't change them
-my self-preserverence/ the fact that I've never actually attempted sui
-the fact that most people who give me a chance like me

Earlier, I was reflecting on how people with BPD don't know who they are, and how while it might look like I'm that way (because I'm always changing career plans, etc) the truth is that I know who I am. And I know what I want to do. I want to help people with MI; I just don't know if I could do that best and least painfully as a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a writer.

I know who I am, I'm just complex. Like one of those beautiful roses that have different colored petals. I have some thorns, but I also have a beautiful flower. Then I started hating myself again, and I felt like someone had cut my flower off and I would never regrow it. I would always just an ugly, flowerless stalk with thorns on it. But I feel better now.

Thanks Didgee for sharing your experiences. It comforts me, knowing that someone else has gone through the same experience. And it turns out that you're not borderline, so maybe I'm not either, despite this reaction! I love what your mom told you. So comforting.

So there are two ways to deal with this....1 cognitive.....you will get it all done and even if it takes longer than you thought it probably doesn't matter....nothing terrible will happen. 2 behavioral.....engage some of your senses...let a piece of chocolate dissolve slowly in you mouth, listen to a podcast, smell something wonderful...take a soothing bath....whatever calms you.

Finally got my new med dose from the pharmacy....starting 7.5 mg tonight.....

So your pdoc agreed to lower it? Great!

Yes. Just saw her Friday and she was really friendly and easy to interact with too...different than what I remembered from before....I think she'll work out well she even let me pick when I wanted my next appointment...I picked three months.

thanks. im trying to let it rest for tonight bc i cant do anything about it all RIGHT now. i know i can get it all done i just need to look at it one by one instead of this giant mountain i have to climb over

thanks for the advice

yay! i hope it goes well for u

ugh yea i shoudve. it was sort of an emergency tho. but i just slept for about 3 hours.

well GUESS WHAT i lost a pound! which means i hit my first goal weight of 135 lbs! and its a low 135. its like 135.2. so i could be 134 in a matter of days. anyway just saying that because i told you guys i would tell you when i lost 20 pounds.

but anyway i see my therapist today. ugh for 30 min. so its going to go by fast. and my dad has to be there but oh well.

Getting some last bits and bobs for my nieces and nephews Christmas presents online. Found this super cheap site in the UK, sportsdirect.com. Anyone of you UK folks ever heard of it? So much value = so much awesomeness!

Anybody all set for the holidays? I still have a bit to do.

Do you not have the chain of stores by that name in your area chicken? very good value for money!

and btw, who named your pet dimebag rofl?

im pretty much set for the holidays. i have a picture i had professionally printed out of my dads parents that are deceased that he never had and im waiting for a frame to come in the mail so i can put it in the frame and then i should be all done. i prob bought 15+ presents for my whole family this christmas.

No we don't have them over here, just the online store. Shipping is real cheap.

Eh Dimebag Darrell was the guitarist from Pantera and Damageplan. He was shot dead while playing a gig 10 years ago. He was one of the best guitarists of his generation.

Wow that's really thoughtful newtus and 15+ presents, you're spoiling them

I like your list. Sometimes I make a list when I feel terrible. It seems to straighten out my thinking.

People with BPD have profound identity problems. It is beyond not knowing what one's calling is. The BPD symptomology originates from it. They really have no idea who they are so they seek their identity from other people which is why they are always in relationships. It is very threatening to them when the other person leaves because they will lose the identity they have found. This usually causes suicidal ideation, threats and other impulsive behaviors such as drug use and binge eating. These are ways to cope with their overwhelming feelings.

Impulsivity, dysregulation of emotions (not mood), poor sense of identity, and fears of abandonment and being alone are core BPD traits. If you don't have these issues then you don't have BPD. A responsible clinician wouldn't diagnose the condition in person who lacks the core traits but self-injures and/or struggles with chronic suicidal ideation.

In the 1990s self-injury automatically meant a BPD diagnosis even if the person lacked the core traits. Now it is ubiquitous and doesn't mean one has BPD. There are often other causes for the behavior such as OCD and SSRIs.

Feeling empty and questioning your direction in life are symptoms of other conditions such as depression. Sometimes it takes people longer to figure out their calling. Some never do. There is no set cut-off and pattern to live unless one is determined to follow the majority which is an illusion in my opinion. It is so much better just to be yourself and follow your own path.


Being a complex person is perfectly okay. It is a part of who you are. I'm a complex person too so I know for sure it is perfectly okay to be one.

Support from family and friends helps a lot. They helped me survive my misdiagnosis. Remember these are the people that see you at your best, worse and in-between. Clinicians usually see you at your worst and in one context the office or hospital, which isn't very revealing. Anyway, labels come with so many assumptions.

Is bits and bobs an Irish saying? I've never heard that before.


I usually don't do anything fancy for Christmas. This year I will be since we are staying in a suite and will be celebrating with family friends. My mother asked me to do some things for her before she arrives.

Shopping is easy for me. I just go to craft and art stores because I make my gifts. It is so much cheaper and fun.

Secretum, have you talked to your family about your new possible diagnosis?

I was diagnosed bpd first and it killed me. It completely confused everything I thought I knew about myself. I convinced myself that's who I was and I reported symptoms that I thought I had that I actually didn't. Since I've been rediagnosed I've realised that you can convince yourself that your something your not.
But all the way through my mum told me she didn't believe it. She said she knew me and that it wasn't me. I used to think that meant that she didn't know me but now I know that she was right all along.

Do you have a close relationship with your family? If so I would get their opinion because they have seen you when youv been good and bad whereas therapists only see you at your worst.

On the other hand if you do have bpd it's nothing to be ashamed of. People with bpd feel enough guilt as it is without piling blame on for something that isn't their fault. Bpd is a result often of a invalidating environment as a child and that's something that's out of your control.

I hope you find some clarity

well...i went to my therapist...
ugh...i dont even know what to say. it wasnt bad but it wasnt like good. she told me to read or go for a walk if i feel stressed. like wtf? that stuff seems like too...idk...like it wouldnt help.

i dont feel like she understands me. i really dont. makes me sad and mad

That's a behavioral thing----is she a cbt T?

I just realized something about my two suicide attempts in September 1998. They killed the BPD traits in me (self-injury and chronic suicidal ideation). I never self-injured since then and only thought about suicide twice both times during major depressive episodes.

At the time I was 20 and decided to do myself in because of my BPD diagnosis. I was so despondent. It felt pointless to keep on trying. No one was listening. All they were doing was judging and telling me that I was sexually abused. None of this was making sense and the medications were making me worse.

Years later I learned they were medicating my ASD which isn't a mental illness at all. No wonder I got nasty side effects that appeared to be symptoms of mental illness. They also assumed my ASD traits were due to bad parenting and a bad relationship with my mother. That was such BS. We with ASD have interpersonal problems because we are naturally not socially adept, not because we lack identity and fear being alone.

When my mother met my psychiatrist in 2013 she told her that the clinicians at the pediatric hospital blamed her for my problems when I was teenager. They implied she was a bad mother who abused her children. None of that was true at all. This is what happens when clinicians try to fit one into a diagnosis. It was all due to the assumptions that came with the BPD label.

This has left me traumatized. Thanks psychiatry for being indolent and haphazard ****heads.

My relationship with my mother is good and strong. I was really close to her in childhood and always felt loved by her. Our relationship got strained in adolescence but we became close again.

Surprisingly the psychosis I went through 5 years after my suicide attempts began my healing journey. Finally I had a diagnosis that was obvious to the doctors and myself. It wasn't drug induced like my BPD symptoms were. The illness permitted me to embrace who I am which lead into my discovery of the HSP and eventually ASD.

I always knew I was right (and so was my mother) about my misdiagnosis.

i have no idea. i guess so. but to be honest i dont really like her and guess what? i wont get to see her for over a month now.

i just went to a gas station outside of my city and stopped to get cigs and this man looked at my license and said "this isnt you". then he smiled like he was joking. wtf

i think its gonna take me some time to get me to like her anyway

Haha yeah ''bits and bobs'' would be an Irish thing, maybe British too. Just means to get a few different items.

I'd love to be creative enough to make my own presents but alas, I am not I've always been good with music but never craft, I don't think I have the patience. It's definitely a great way to get a unique gift for someone. Makes it more personal. Anyway, glad you won't be too stressed over the holidays. I know a lot of people get overwhelmed when they have to shop for people!

Today's been a good day for me. I went to college. My mind was more focused on looking for Christmas presents so my tutor let me do my own thing in lesson. Then I spent some quality time with my friends. I also made a miniature garden in another lesson. Then I went to the pet shop. All in all, it's not a bad day. God spoke to me this morning. He told me I'll do great things. I like the sound of that.

I'm eating all of my therapy chocolate----good thing I got some sugar free therapy lifesavers as well