Roll Call 41

Sometimes psychotic · Dec 08, 2014, 03:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

idk why but i just feel so angry with the world right now. like almost every interaction with someone i have i feel angry. i suppose ill take my haldol. because i dont want to feel this way. i just know my anger is going to get my into trouble.

The holidays don't help you can feel the tension levels rising on the street---more honking etc....

Dec 08, 2014, 03:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secretum

The death force is really after me lately. Really, really after me. I'd been having a bad week mood wise, with anxiety, irritability, depression...and then my t said I might have a personality problem...and all hell broke lose. I feel like I've lost everything. It's taken everything from me. I don't even know why it is trying to kill me still, when it has completely incapacitated me in life. Dead or alive, I can do nothing.

So freaking paranoid and overwhelmed right now. I just feel so cursed. Why did it pick me? Why make my life hell? Why try to kill me?

I feel like I can't even talk about this will my t because she will either will use it as further proof that I have a personality disorder, or think that I'm making it all up for attention. Or send me to the hospital where I'd see my doctor (whom I met in the hospital, is now my outpatient pdoc as well) who hates me. I think he is the reason why my t thinks I have a personality disorder. He thinks I'm malingering. Making it all up. He didn't believe that I'd been having hallucinations, probably because they were visual and he is used to seeing auditory. At the end of my stay, he asked me if I still had them. I told him I had seen a ghost that day, and he asked me if it was a "friendly ghost". So he clearly doesn't believe me. And he hasn't asked me about them since, which is how I know he doesn't believe me.

God, why me.

And the scary thing is the BPD description fits. I don't know if it only fits because my mood has been so unstable lately, though. I keep thinking in black and white terms because I've been so emotional, and that makes me feel more borderline. And then I'll feel overwhelmed and I'll hit myself. I thought I wasn't a self-harmer, but maybe I am just another crazy borderline.

How can anyone love me? People love you for your looks or your personality. I'm ugly. Now apparently my personality is pretty ugly too. I'm fairly intelligent, but no one can tell because I am such a space cadet. And there is no hope of me getting help for my ADD now, because I can't ask my doctor for ADD meds because he hates me and will just think I'm trying to get ahold of a controlled substance. And my t doesn't believe me when I say that I feel like I have ADD.

God, they all hate me.

It's after me. It's taken everything that made me feel like a worthy person. There is nothing left. I am an empty shell of a loser.

How do you know you have ADD? Have you been diagnosed? I had ADHD as an adolescent but grew out of the hyperactivity part. I know this because I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist. I still feel like I struggle with attention but would not have ADD. The brain is like a muscle and can grow lazy if you're not using it as often, this is where I struggle.

Anyway, BPD to me is just a lazy diagnosis that is so general and broad a that it would fit quite a high number of people. I see these characteristics every day, especially on this forum where people are very prone to black and white thinking and are definitely way over emotional.

Being told you have it isn't a death sentence, you are who you are, you do not need to be defined by what a psychiatrist or psychologist tells you.

newtus · Dec 08, 2014, 03:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

The holidays don't help you can feel the tension levels rising on the street---more honking etc....

yea my anger actually wasnt all that bad until around november. i mean i got mad at the fast food place yesterday because they wouldnt give me what i want. they kept saying "well we can give you this/that but not this". and facebook has been making me more bad. i prob need to stay away from it more. but my half brother (who im not close to at all) his wife made a video with my dad and my face on some characters bodies dancing and it pissed my dad and i off because it was rude to us. my dad doesnt like his picture being put out there without his consent and/defamed or whatever. shes really rude and has no effing life. she literally doesnt im not just saying that. and then everyone on her facebook thought it was so funny. i wad about to cuss her the F out.

and then my therapist situation makes me so mad. and just little things here and there.

and lately my chest has been hurting and my heart and having more anxiety. ugh.

ArthurDent · Dec 08, 2014, 04:00 PM

Newt

(plus however many extra characters. Lol)

newtus · Dec 08, 2014, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ArthurDent

Newt

(plus however many extra characters. Lol)

hi how are you?

Erti · Dec 08, 2014, 04:54 PM

I'm finally below the 200 pound mark! Down to 198!

Dec 08, 2014, 04:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

I'm finally below the 200 pound mark! Down to 198!

I know how tough it is so that's awesome well done. I'm getting there myself.

Erti · Dec 08, 2014, 04:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by chickenfoot

I know how tough it is so that's awesome well done. I'm getting there myself.

Thanks! I now weigh less than what my ID says. lol

Atypical_Disaster · Dec 08, 2014, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

I'm finally below the 200 pound mark! Down to 198!

Congratulations! I was so excited when I got back down below 200.

newtus · Dec 08, 2014, 05:04 PM

good job erti!
if i lose 1 more pound ill be down to my first goal weight.
hm idk if my license says my weight?

nope. texas license doesnt include weight.

Erti · Dec 08, 2014, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

Congratulations! I was so excited when I got back down below 200.

Yeah... I'm so happy about it... I forgot about my ex boyfriend issue. lol

Erti · Dec 08, 2014, 05:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

good job erti!
if i lose 1 more pound ill be down to my first goal weight.
hm idk if my license says my weight?

nope. texas license doesnt include weight.

That's strange... Here they just ask for your weight. I lied and said I was 200 pounds at the time.

newtus · Dec 08, 2014, 05:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Erti

That's strange... Here they just ask for your weight. I lied and said I was 200 pounds at the time.

why did u lie? were you higher or lower then?

Dec 08, 2014, 05:59 PM

The moon looks so sad tonight. It made me cry earlier; told me I was going to die alone by my own hand someday soon. It's upsetting, but the moon is probably right, and it was kind to seem so sad for me.

Well done Erti on the weight loss!

It's taken a year, but I've finally lost a stone (I haven't been very diligent though...apathy is a B!), so I can only imagine how hard it has been to lose what you have.

*Willow*

Sometimes psychotic · Dec 08, 2014, 06:11 PM

Hey willow are you still in therapy? If so how is it going?

Atypical_Disaster · Dec 08, 2014, 06:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

The moon looks so sad tonight. It made me cry earlier; told me I was going to die alone by my own hand someday soon. It's upsetting, but the moon is probably right, and it was kind to seem so sad for me.

Well done Erti on the weight loss!

It's taken a year, but I've finally lost a stone (I haven't been very diligent though...apathy is a B!), so I can only imagine how hard it has been to lose what you have.

*Willow*

The part I bolded in this part of your post is very concerning. You don't sound good at all.

Dec 08, 2014, 06:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Hey willow are you still in therapy? If so how is it going?

Yes, 20 sessions now. I don't know how to tell how it's going tbh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Atypical_Disaster

The part I bolded in this part of your post is very concerning. You don't sound good at all.

Thanks for the concern, but I'm ok. I'm not intending to act on anything for the foreseeable future, but it does feel inevitable. I shouldn't have posted: I didn't want to worry anyone. I've just felt so connected to the moon lately, like it 'gets me', and I wanted to say it 'out loud' to someone who isn't my dog. Lovely as he is, he doesn't understand most words, only feelings (though he is very generous with hugs when I'm upset). Sorry, rambling! I'll shut up now lol

*Willow*

Erti · Dec 08, 2014, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

why did u lie? were you higher or lower then?

I weighed more than what I told them. Not sure how much more. My highest weight was 240 so I was 40> pounds off lol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

The moon looks so sad tonight. It made me cry earlier; told me I was going to die alone by my own hand someday soon. It's upsetting, but the moon is probably right, and it was kind to seem so sad for me.

Well done Erti on the weight loss!

It's taken a year, but I've finally lost a stone (I haven't been very diligent though...apathy is a B!), so I can only imagine how hard it has been to lose what you have.

*Willow*

Thanks Willow. Congrats on loosing a stone... that's 14 pounds right?

Sorry that you're feeling depressed. I wish I had something to say. I hope you can find some sort of happiness.

Dec 08, 2014, 06:57 PM

Poor auld Dimebag is ten years gone today. I remember when it happened so well, hearing about it and all. I was 15, now I feel old.

newtus · Dec 08, 2014, 06:58 PM

oh i thought a stone was 7 pounds. nm

newtus · Dec 08, 2014, 07:00 PM

i sorta regret taking my haldol now. all i feel like is laying in bed now. i feel drowsy. oh well i guess i needed it. maybe i can drink some coffee.

Atypical_Disaster · Dec 08, 2014, 07:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Thanks for the concern, but I'm ok. I'm not intending to act on anything for the foreseeable future, but it does feel inevitable. I shouldn't have posted: I didn't want to worry anyone. I've just felt so connected to the moon lately, like it 'gets me', and I wanted to say it 'out loud' to someone who isn't my dog. Lovely as he is, he doesn't understand most words, only feelings (though he is very generous with hugs when I'm upset). Sorry, rambling! I'll shut up now lol

*Willow*

I don't mean any offense here but it wasn't the suicidal ideation that concerned me the most(I know from what I've seen of your posts that you won't act on such things), it's the fact that you seriously think the moon is speaking to you.

Sometimes psychotic · Dec 08, 2014, 07:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WeepingWillow23

Yes, 20 sessions now. I don't know how to tell how it's going tbh.

Thanks for the concern, but I'm ok. I'm not intending to act on anything for the foreseeable future, but it does feel inevitable. I shouldn't have posted: I didn't want to worry anyone. I've just felt so connected to the moon lately, like it 'gets me', and I wanted to say it 'out loud' to someone who isn't my dog. Lovely as he is, he doesn't understand most words, only feelings (though he is very generous with hugs when I'm upset). Sorry, rambling! I'll shut up now lol

*Willow*

The moon has been incredibly beautiful to me lately from the last crescent to full right now....I guess because I can see it on the way home right now. But in college my window looked out on a large sports field and I could routinely see the moon. I used to sit on the radiator and look out the window at it and think deep thoughts....

Sometimes psychotic · Dec 08, 2014, 07:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by newtus

i sorta regret taking my haldol now. all i feel like is laying in bed now. i feel drowsy. oh well i guess i needed it. maybe i can drink some coffee.

Why not take it at bed time?

junkDNA · Dec 08, 2014, 07:10 PM

i feel stressed out. i am stressing myself out thinking of everything i need to do and overwhelming myself.

i see T tomorrow then i have to get my car fixed. then i need to find boxes. i need to do my homework. i need to get the power in my name and find a new internet provider. omg i am doing it right now. overwhelming myself...

i wish i could go to sleep tonight and wake up and be all moved in and happy

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