Roll Call 41

My boss had an interesting take on people talking behind your back-----basically of course they do it, but not necessarily in a negative way, they do it because they find you interesting---she basically said how boring would you have to be that no one ever wanted to talk about you

Love me hate me still an obsession
love me hate me that is the question
If you love me thank you
If you hate me than **** you!

I know it's bad stuff. People like to pick me apart bit by bit so they can laugh at my weaknesses. It's been like this all of my life. It's why I have trouble trusting people. I know I'm not a boring person because I'm unique. But everyone has flaws and I have an awful lot of them.

lol i used to love that song

i got hairy armpits but i dont walk around like this
i wear a big baggy tshirt that hides that nasty ishhh

lol I use to love it as well.
takes me back to high school.

So I've been catching up on roll call. I fought to get a bpd diagnosis. I had read a lot of books on Marilyn Monroe and related to her and thought I had bpd. I don't, I do think I have some traits, but it's bc of all the abuses I went through.

I don't really like this new therapist. She just annoys me. I feel like I have more knowledge of just life in general than her. I'm gonna give it 2 more sessions then ask for a different one. Ugh, idk She'll know and it will be awkward. Any advice? I would like to try and make it work, but she's just so nervous it makes me not trust her.

I'm irritable, my son keeps bugging me. I was supposed to call and do a review and bc I've been so depressed I hadn't. So I called 2 times last week and was on hold for like 2 hours and I just called and was on hold again for 2 hours. I hung up bc they stop doing the reviews at 2. I hate this depression, and I don't see any way of getting through it other than just waiting it out. I hope I get disability and have some money so I can get driving. That would help me not isolate so much....Ugh.

I didn't like my any of mine within the first few sessions but started liking them later----I think they adapt over time based on what works or doesn't work. My personal take is that in no way do I have to trust or rely on what she is telling me but I have to consider it within my own framework and see if it has validity. I see them as providing a toolkit or an education of sorts and I can pick the elements that work. I'm not sure if that approach would work for you or not...

Yeah but I'm gonna be doing deep trauma work. For me personally I have to like them to open up about all that. If I were just doing basic therapy I think that would work. She's really new and is intimidated by me I feel. I think I need to talk to her about it. Idk why she's intimidated but maybe we can talk it through. Ugh. Idk, I don't really like her style either. This agency just added doing therapy to it. I wish I had money and could get a really good therapist....

I loved my peer counselor I had through this agency, but she's not done getting her degree yet. Btw, I've lost her bc they just got a whole bunch of new clients and I got lost in the shuffle. I'm hoping to get her again though. It just sucks though bc she was really good support for me.

My life really sucks right now.

Oh for some reason I had thought you were going to hold off on the trauma work for a while-----in that case a good match is much more important---if you're not feeling it at all, I say move on.

We're putting up the fake tree but for some reason I don't feel like putting on the ordainments. Use to like to but that time has passed. But I wouldn't mind sleeping underneath the Christmas tree.

I think a lot of it has to do with other people wanting to put them on or not----when I was little my sister and I used to fight over who would put stuff up now my parents don't want to bother/help at all and I think I absorbed that attitude. I'm sure I'll be fine once I get started we have a lot of nice ones right now like a glass tiger and birds etc....

Do you get one new ornament each year? That helps keep the tree up to date and more fun....my mom and I each get one fancy one each year....

I think it's more of a kid thing. Getting excited for Santa to come and a sign of it getting close to Christmas time. At least that's why I use to like decorating for Christmas.

Actually, my mom has been attempting to make a new Christmas ornament. My mom doesn't like Christmas... she's mostly doing it for my stepdad and since she's a crafty person she decided to make an ornament.

ugh i have a lot of anxiety righte now.
my dad left the car door open while we were in a store the whole damn. *******it someone could have stolen all the valuables and the car. oh god

Generally not a great idea to leave stuff in the car part anyway because people can break the window quite easily.....

Yeah I'm sure it's different for everyone I was just kind of talking out loud about why I'm not as into it anymore you know....

well we just went shopping at another store before we went to that one. plus he had his personal papers in there...bills etc. the real only valuable thing i had in there was my iphone charger but STILL i dont want my new bought stuff stolen and DEFINTELY not my car.

Yeah... sometimes the spirit of Christmas deems as you get older. But I must say... I really enjoy giving gifts for Christmas. Just wish this year I had the money.

i use to be into getting gifts more. obviously as a kid. but now im into giving gifts more.

Yeah the thing is nobody really knows it's unlocked unless they are really looking...I accidentally left my car unlocked for a week once and it was fine---not that I'm recommending it...I'm much more careful now----I'm sure your dad will be more careful next time too....

I know I totally want to see other people's reactions to what I give them...

You could make gifts---you do art right, why not make up some paintings/drawings?

I could draw something for everyone. Need to buy some art supplies since my sister digs into my stash.

no. he left the door OPEN. as far wide as the door can open at the hinges thats as far as he left the door open.

Oh---wow that's totally different---how on earth did that happen?

I'm so bored---still at work I have another 18 minutes until I can wash my cells and leave, blah but then it's like 30 minutes to the next bus after that then it takes me 45 minutes to get home so it will be like 8:15 before I get home----of course I can leave early tomorrow because of it....