Roll Call 45

i found a tea bag in my philosophy book.
i think i put it there as a place holder.

only a philosopher would do that.

at first i was like "who did this?" because i rented this book from amazon and have to give it back to them at the end of the semester.
btw renting textbooks from amazon is probably the most amazing thing. the book new & used cost over 100 dollars.
i rented the book for 12 dollars. all i have to do is ship it back in time or ill have to pay the full price.

I believe the moon has powers and I communicate with it telepathically. I say it because I think they are too powerful for pronouns but I understand why you call them a she. I don't think they will be angry with you they are a force of good and protection so I wouldn't worry.

i never had psychosis involving the moon.
sometimes aliens. but not much. its always been about religion and government together intertwined.

Is it natural for beliefs to sort of come and go, like worse some days and not as bad on others? Some days it's all I can think about and some days it's not as strong but I still believe it.

yea i understand what your saying.

When I increase Prozac, OCD gets bad for a while.. This music.. It is so amazing.. And the stabilizes.

When I take too much ritalin (which I don't do anymore like 300mg+) the delusions idk how to say this.. Increase in believability? And the thoughts hallucinate out of no where like in psychosis but I kept doing it because it never got bad.

I believe everyone is a small bit in psychosis in some way. Just depends on where the brain wants to keep the level at and increases uh maybe I'm wrong but schizotypal there's a chronic distortion in thought like a schizophrenic personality.

I was getting blood tests done the other day and my doctor put 'psychotic illness' on the form I had to hand in, under the reason for the test. I laughed when he said it to me as it just sounded so serious and it was the first time anyone had said it out loud. It wasn't funny or anything. That was just the reaction I had. I'm a little odd I think.

I wanna reach out and touch the sky!!!!!

About a month Into my care my pdoc was in the process of signing me up with my first T as part of a research study.....nobody had told me what I had yet but under the qualifications was schizophrenia or related illness. I had the opposite reaction to you and nearly burst out crying....I think it's just a nervous reaction.

That's what I put it down to. That and I don't truly deep down believe that I have a 'mental illness' so to speak. I know I can relate to people, which is why I post here but that's as far as it goes.

Going to watch the movie 'cake' with Jennifer Aniston in it. Anyone seen it?

Nah I'm isolated still xp

I miss Ireland lol, if anyone were to say that..

i hope i die from suicide. soon.

Why? What's going on?

i was just thinking about my life and how im a failure. im so scared about my future. i...dont know...therapy isnt helping but i cant afford to stop it. or get another therapist. my therapy is like getting a depot shot once a month and it only lasting a week. then im still having trouble over and over and struggling until i can get to my next appt.

im afraid im gonna go into severe psychosis. everday im struggling with my panic attacks and paranoia and the hallucinations have been getting worse since they started back up in december. im having hallucinations now but i havent been talking about it really here.

the only support i have is my dad right now. my sister moved back for awhile in september but is leaving back across the country for good next week cuz shes getting married. my mom doesnt care bout me.

ive called my therapist about my panic attacks and she never returned my call. i called in december. ive only seen her once between december and now. she doesnt really want to give me more time/appts or have just me not my dad in the appt.

. Well you might crash but right now you're doing amazing despite your symptoms... I really believe you can make a difference. I know you don't like meds but they are better than death and I hope you consider going back on if it helps with what's going on.

It may be beyond her control... That clinic sounds really hierarchical. At any rate don't base your life on one T... You may need to find another even if it's via skype or something....

crashing isnt the right word. the only thing running good right now is my motivation/drive. what im afraid of is actually doing something in psychosis again and getting arrested/sent to the hospital. i read last month they are privatizing the nearest state hospital and giving it to a company that oversees jail and prison systems. it said its already a very run down hospital and ive heard horror stories about it from other patients who been there.

Ok that is scary... Meds would help keep you out though. Is that the hospital you would be sent to if involuntary?

ok.......well. idk what to say. i wouldnt want a therapist via skype.

You might have to drive farther then....

yea. first they send me involuntary to one in dallas and at any time at their discretion they can send you to this state hospital. which is probably 3-4 hours or more away from where i live. prob 4-5. the first hospital in dallas alone is an hour away. all of local ones are actually. im not sure meds can keep me out. well i guess really strong meds. but not just any med or any dosage.

Don't you have haldol 20mg that's pretty strong...

yea i do actually. havent been taking it cuz im afraid of any side effects while im trying to do school and other stuff. ugh...my whole family thinks im taking my meds...