Roll Call 64

hey all i am back from my mommmmmss... i had fun there. yesterday we hung out at her house and got italian food. today she made a pumpkin pie and we went shopping bc i need some black sweaters for work. then we ate a burrito place. she gave me an ivy plant and it s in my kitchen now. i HOPE i dont kill it!!!

also i discovered that in the beginning of Oct. i got a raise from the store i work at. why dont they ever tell me when they give me a raise? this is the 2nd raise ive got since ive been there but both times i had to figure it out on my own. strange!!! i will also get a raise when i become an official bookkeeper.

im glad to be with my toby again. i go back to work tomorrow... a 7 hour shift

group on saturday was ok, afterwards T said i did good and he said he thought i wasnt paying attention but then i would say something or ask a question. lol. i just dont know where to look or what to do in group so i just stare at things and prob look spaced out. after group T and i talked some about me isolating. he asked me a strange question... if i thought people were generally stupid. i said i think a lot of people are simple minded but i dont know if that means stupid. he said he was listening to a podcast about that. that got us started talking about politics and the presidential candidates. somehow the convo got to psychosis and delusions, and my voices.

i had a good weekend, and i hope you all did too!!

my T told me that when he was in college he had a mild delusion. we were talking about missing aspects of psychosis, coming back from a delusion and what that feels like. i was telling him about 2012 when i thought i had everything figured out , abstract things . things that today would make no sense, but at the time felt so clear and awesome. he said "thats what it was like for me , too" i looked at him and said, have you been psychotic? he said he had a mild delusion in college. i knew my T has bipolar disorder. i didnt really ask him what his delusion was and it doesnt really matter anyway,. i just thought it was super interesting that hes experienced it. i always thought he never knew what i was talking about, only studied it and had experience treating it. i thanked him for telling me about it.. it helped me realize that even though he is well adjusted and 'normal' it doesnt mean he hasnt BEEN THERE. and i look to him as a role model because i want to be well adjusted and 'normal' too

edit:this convo didnt happen on saturday it was a couple weeks ago, but i was thinking about it today

I have a sad, empty feeling. Nothing in my life is going to get better. I'm still buried in clutter here, still and always a recluse, and getting fatter and fatter. I feel like it's all over. I'm really just waiting for the end.

angelique

I'm looking to put my photography on tumblr. is that the best place for photography? I know humans of new York put theirs there so idk. I don't want to set up another domain just yet and they have good layouts. but I have to pay money for a good layout.

im thinking about asking my peer support leader if i can get more people to pitch into the idea of something slightly like humans of new york but life with mental illness. what do you guys think? if i could go around and get excerpts and ask people questions about what they are dealing with? and photograph them? people can choose to not show their face.

That clinic is so stupid. They're encouraging people to feel completely hopeless. **** that...

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

i know. its very hopeless. and i have a lot of dreams and goals in life. i try to work smart and hard. Going to school. i take my meds. i have ambition. not much motivation in general. but right now i have motivation because im taking a lower dose of meds. my motivation is rising. i hate that it goes in waves. well... waves because my medication. but they said i would be on disability for the rest of my life. a social worker said that when i first got accepted into the clinic. it made me feel hopeless but stronger to prove them wrong.

im trying to contact my mom about the idea but shes ignoring my texts. i know this because she read 1 i sent and didnt read the others.

The down side of having an iPhone. :hug;

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I'm out of my mind bored. I have nothing to do. What's everyone else up to?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

trying to find out other peoples opinions on my project. you?

I'm watching The Walking Dead.

I'm watching some show about Alaska. Trying to talk myself out of snack #2.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I either have a head cold or I have throat and sinus cancer. I have this dry cough and then I have sneezing fits and I can't taste anything but it doesn't really feel like a cold. I'm definitely sick with something.

angelique. please get better.

can you goto the doctor?

Thank you, newtus!
I guess I'll have to. I'm going to see how it goes the next couple of days. If I don't get more cold symptoms, I'll have to accept it might be something serious. It doesn't feel like a cold at all.

I've been googling the symptoms and it could be other things too, that aren't fatal. I guess that's good news.

Anglique, I hope you feel better too. I always google symptoms. When my wasc at bit my leglry ans I had to go on antibiotics, I had an allergic reaction to the meds and got a huge hive breakout everywhere. I googled it, and of the things that came up was toxic shock syndrome, and it seemed to match, because it can be caused by the type of bacterial infection i had. So, I pretty much was flipping out because I was sure I was going to die. I thought about all the ramifications of my eminent passing. The good thing was I was already self prepared for the worst when i went back to the doctor to have him figure it out. So, the good thing, was that the doctor knew about other things it could be.

Forgot to eat for a while and kept taking caffeine pills. One of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. It lasted like 4 hours.

Something is starting up again so I ate as much as i could.

I'm starting to concentrate on not dying again.

OCD .. every couple of seconds I check my heart beat. I've been doing this for hours.

I've learned my lesson but I deserve this. It happened before and a user here (smilesandcries) basically saved my life when i had that artery spasm thing. Told me to eat and i felt better.

----------------------

K so I couldn't write anymore but it's been half an hour and it's over now i hope so anyways.

Take it from someone who used to have pretty bad health anxiety, if you have even the slightest tendency towards worrying about your health then Googling symptoms is your #1 enemy.

The majority of the time you can guarantee things won't be as bad as you think. My rule is go to the doctors if symptoms are a) persistent or b) particularly troublesome.

Anyway, I hope you feel better soon Angelique...

Sounds awfully like health anxiety to me, I've been exactly the same at times. It's a bit of a vicious cycle really, the more you check, the more you worry. I did just read something that said health anxiety is often put on the OCD spectrum... which I guess might make sense because it's essentially intrusive thoughts about your health.

I really think you should cut back on your use of caffeine pills though... I mean you've already cut back on most other things like abusing your prescription meds & smoking, so it's the logical next step. There's no doubt that caffeine can exacerbate anxiety, especially if you are popping caffeine pills like candy. If you really feel the need for a caffeine fix, it's much better just to have a cup of tea or coffee. Much more self-limiting than the pills.

So, it's my Mum's birthday tomorrow & I was just picking up a card for her. By chance, the first one I picked up was perfect being as my Mum is both a fan of cats & Downton Abbey:

Morning! Hope everyone had a good night. Too bad it's Monday.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Good morning, this should be a good week