Roll Call 65

Soz that was a massive run on sentence it's morning xd

Lol it's okay I can write some pretty epically long sentences myself #becausenofilter

#Itendtosaywhateverpopsintomyhead

#peoplethinkIamweird

And I don't have the luxury of being able to pretend I give a **** about any of that.

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ADHD meds, I wish I didn't have to take those but yeah ADHD is a thing no matter what country you're in and I've got that thing along with the Schizophrenia thing so my life is peachy.

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I downloaded Twitter for my phone and set up an account for absolutely no apparent reason. I don't like social media so I don't know why I thought of doing that. I'm so random, lol.

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I'm sorry you've been struggling lately atypical. Your always kind to me.
I'm struggling to come to terms with the reality that this unreality is going to be part of my life for the rest of it. I have negative symptoms constantly but the positive ones are now part of everyday too. My pdoc and cpn said that's just how my life is going to be. It's like I find out everyday a new thing that I believe and experience that isn't real/right.
I have cognitive issues too, albeit not as bad as yours, so I know the struggle. And I struggle socially to act 'normal' so much that I tend to avoid people altogether. My bf is the only person I really spend time with and that's because I can be myself with him, he's seen all my weirdness. And yes he calls me weird but in a kind way.
I've been told that what I've experienced is 'shocking' to hear by a friend and my cpn said I haven't had a very good life. I guess if I looked at all the negatives there's been a lot of dark times but I try to see the positives in life. Well, I usually do but I'm depressed at the minute so that one has gone by the wayside.
Anyway I'm rambling. Just wanted to say I can relate

There's a pencil line on my ceiling. It's like someone's drawing on my life. Colouring in the letters so it doesn't make sense. Maybe that's why everything's dark

Well rambling or not I can totally relate to what you wrote. It's like your post was you taking a peek into my mind because it's also yours. Negative symptoms are awful, just as bad as the positive ones but in a totally different way you know?

I don't get depressed... But I do get more "blank" than usual and I'll be in my bed all day not inclined to move... Avolition and catatonic symptoms are linked for me. It's like my mind can only do so much and then everything shuts down...

Now I'm rambling. Hah.

Positive and negative symptoms are part of my every day reality/unreality too.

For me I always think that it's not that I'm out of touch with reality, it's like I'm in touch with more than one. I don't know, it made sense in my head.

Thank you for your support, it means a lot.

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to everyone who has regular struggles with their illness...

I know what it's like to some extent, I've been through acute periods of psychosis but they have never lasted longer than a few weeks to a month or two. Most the time my psychosis has been on the mild end of the spectrum even if it has been with me more often than not over the past 4 years. I have great admiration for those of you who have to go through it on a regular basis... it was bad enough for me even only being bad short term.

I've had thoughts along this kind of vein. For me it's things like numbers and lines but yeah even though you think of it differently the pattern of thought you posted here is something I definitely identify with.

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You're really kind, thank you on my behalf and I'm sure other people here too.

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Sorry I realise what I wrote sounded very metaphorical when in reality I'm sat looking at the ceiling and there's a pencil line there haha. Now I'm wondering how it got there and how maybe it doesn't really exist except on my plane of existence. Hm maybe I was being metaphorical

Metaphorical or not I liked that post!

That is interesting. Like who would think, "oh, I think I'll draw on the ceiling today!"

Well, I would... Never mind. Lol!

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I really get what you said about being in touch with more than one reality. That's how I think of it. That I have a gift of viewing other realities and I can travel between dimensions. But then I've been told that's delusional. So I won't delve into that too much

Yes, something like that. I've been called delusional for my viewpoint too so yeah won't get into the details and I can write a damn novel about it if I get going.

I ramble on and on a lot.

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You know, just a random remark here... I remember once saying to my psychiatrist that having had psychosis, it gave me a profound respect for just how powerful the brain was, being able to create complex hallucinations & delusions...

He then said "the brain doesn't create it, it's just the brain processing real information the wrong way"

... it's almost strange to think, a few faulty connections & suddenly all this information gets processed to mean something completely different to what it should.

I'm glad you posted this. It rings true for me... It's like I get so much information but it's all disorganized when it enters my mind and so I end up making connections every which way and they say that that's a part of how hallucinations and delusions develop or something to that effect I don't quite remember where I read that or when.

I hate using the word hallucinations in reference to myself, ditto with the word delusional... It's like, to me it's all 100% real... The most insight I've achieved is that I recognize that other people don't perceive the same reality that I do. I kind of just leave it at that. Like I get it, not everyone perceives what I do... But, sometimes I think people are rude when they say I'm "delusional", I don't take kindly to that kind of stuff. I mean if I ask for a reality check that's one thing but some people I've known are self righteous jerks that say basically that I'm just crazy and I need to "snap out of it"... Like I haven't already tried that, like I'm not taking my meds exactly as prescribed. People suck. Most of them anyway.

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add me on twitter!

i wrote a poem/song about how sad i am.

i cant deal with this loneliness.
it beats in my core.
i havent conquered living like this.

i need some shelter.
i dont need space.
i need a friend to take me out of this place.

i just want a happy life.
far and free.
just free from strife.

im a creature of this life.
i cant dance or sing, have no talent.
but i want to not be of this life.

You expressed how you feel really well but **** I'm sorry you're feeling so bad.

thank you. its just this thing with my mom......
i feel like **** and am lonely as hell

Sorry to hear that...

I'm starting to think I will go to the fireworks down at the beach tonight...

It's not that nice outside but the forecast is showing a break in the rain when the fireworks are due. I guess if I wear my waterproof jacket & a woolly hat that'll shield me from the elements if the heavens do open up...

I guess I'll just see what it's like at 7pm & make a judgement call then.

It's ****ed up when I think about it. Really all of the other diagnoses I've gotten really fall under schizophrenia symptoms I don't think I have ADHD and stuff like that. I think my thought disorganization makes me look like I'm having ADHD symptoms for example.

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Its bonfire night lots of fireworks, my cats are hiding somewhere in the house

I want to sleeeep I'm so unmotivated and asocial maybe its a caffeine crash idk