Roll Call 65

I completely forgot I have a kindle, going to get back into reading

There's a chip in my brain communicating with me through voices... there has to be.

Been there, it sucks.

i sort of did it. i told the new therapist about the recurring psychosis. he was fine with me not elaborating on my current situation, but he did ask me to write it down and give it to him next week. AM's surprisingly quiet about it. maybe he's just waiting until i try to go to sleep tho. or maybe he knows he can just make me shred whatever i write and i won't end up telling him anything. it's so. conflicting to write about. because i know no one will believe me when i say it. i told him about a time last year where i thought i was a xenomorph queen for 4 months and the predator was coming to kidnap me. i've never elaborated so much about it face-to-face and it felt good? especially because he told me ripley ends up experiencing the same thing in resurrection minus the predator and i had never even Seen resurrection before. he told me that's my other homework assignment, watch alien resurrection. that i can do. that i won't get yelled at or hate****ed or accidentally get the universe erased over. :v

also i thought i had been transferred to him because he works with trans people a lot more than the other, but apparently it was more to do with the psychosis. i wish she would have told me it was about that because i would have opened up to him about that a lot sooner in the session. i always tend to leave sessions going "well that was great and i did a perfectly good comedy act but i didn't talk about the **** that's actually affecting me? lol"

Out of control.

Idk what's going to happen. I don't care for now.

Apparently people have worse lives. What ever.

Going to work tomorrow to help out because it helps with the illness..

But I drank alcohol and I was fine and now I dont want to take my meds because who am I on meds

**** schizophrenia but mehh what ever its nothing compared to other things because PEOPLE DONT UNDERSTAND

THEY DON'T. THEY NEVER WILL.

I HATE PEOPLE.

.... <3 :/

Hey Tweaky, my brain isn't firing right now. I'm about to pass into a chocolate induced coma. im sorry about people.

Thanks door. My brain is misfiring I just need to vent and feelings don't last forever but my brain just doesn't register that.

I go mad sometimes

Me too.

My internet keeps going in and out, so I guess I'll let the sleep take over. Night!

Remember remember the 5th of November. Going to bonfire night tonight. I don't much like fireworks but I love the massive bonfire. Always get the urge to throw myself into it

Morning all!

Glad to say I'm feeling in a better mood this morning...!

There will be fireworks here too tonight. I am debating whether or not to go, I would like to but it's forecast for light rain & the cloud base has been pretty low the past few days plus there has been some fog in mornings/evenings too. I wouldn't be surprised if it got cancelled. I guess I'll keep an eye on the weather & make up my mind whether to go later on today. It's about a 25 minute walk away from me, so not the best if weather will be ******.

leave it to you justme to find the bizarre in any situation!

morning. i tried drawing the situation for my therapist but it's harder than i thought. not as hard as putting it in words. i guess i was going to have to caption the pictures anyway so there was no avoiding writing it out. i've been feeling this for almost the entire year and i've never actually told anyone All the details. it big.

good news is the fallout 4 hype is strong Nd propelling me through this final week of the waiting game. and i've been on top of nanowrimo for once in my life.

It's a talent

I get it, people just don't understand. It's frustrating and I can't people right now. Like talking and ****. Typing on my phone is one thing but **** the rest of that people are stupid. I don't trust anyone, I always end up exploited because of my sz.

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Isn't that where you write to get a book published? What kind of books do you write?

yep its the 5th of november everyone! morning.

Good morning everyone. I hope everyone here has a good day.

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I'm in a weird(well, weirder) state today. It's like all my thoughts are evanescent. Whispy and whispering. Whispers in my ear about how I'll never escape my own mind. It'll forever betray me, forever be chipping away at everything that makes me a person. It's like I'm the walking dead, subsisting. I don't feel anything except rage that this is my reality or well unreality to be more appropriate. I never trust my own perceptions, because I know by now when I think I've got it all figured out I'm psychotic... That's what I've learned. And I'm always hearing voices and "delusional" according to my treatment team and my closest confidants who interact with me very frequently.

Makes me wonder what the point of life is. I'm not saying I want to die quite the contrary there's things I really love about my life. But my psychosis is always this infectious rot that keeps me from truly living and I have limits on what I can do and that's never going to change.

I wish people would stop asking me if I'm in school, working, in a long term relationship, etc. I will never be able to do those things. My cognition is truly terrible. It taking me forever to write this post even. I have to think about every word because otherwise it'll turn into ally he lines intersecting at the wrong time which makes me even more angry or just stay flat... My affect is so blunted like people think I'm so weird because I'll talk about whatever and people look at me funny.

Typing on a computer or in this case my phone is easier. I can think about how to construct the endless stream of words in my mind. My thoughts aren't racing it's like they e just spilled like a huge glass of water, preferably all over someone's electronics. My brain is so fried...

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im sorry atypical.

Atypical I love reading the things you write. The way you take that time to direct your stream of thoughts is very rich, and you make language interesting and poetic.

Thanks Newtus and Door, I figure that talking about my thoughts is better than keeping them inside and letting them fester.

Door, I've been told here and elsewhere many times that when I write it does have a poetic quality to it. I'm not sure why that is, I don't do it on purpose I guess that's just how it comes out.

Thank you both for your kindness, it means a lot. I've had a long week... Things have been not so great for me. Im hearing loud voices like I can't even put on headphones to drown them out today.

It just, most people do not get it. It's like I'm being serious when I say my cognition and my thought disorganization make it impossible for me to go to college or even drive. Like, people don't get how bad it actually is. How I don't really function well. I have friends and stuff but leaving the house is hard on me... It's like I just like being in my own space because doing the whole talking to people and socializing is a struggle. Like, I don't know how to be "normal" when I talk to people and a lot of the time people just stop talking to me because I'm "crazy"/"different" and the like...

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So many people are content only to be moved by what occurs to them to be normal. Those people are at a loss. Their ignorance is like a nasty boil.

Isn't that the truth? Good post and very well said. I don't care that I'm not "normal", but it is isolating sometimes you know? I don't really get lonely, but I don't think anyone likes being isolated. No wo/man is an island and all that. Human beings need each other.

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Going to group in a little while