Roll Call 65

Going to group in a little while

Isn't that where you write to get a book published? What kind of books do you write?

kind of? there's no publishing required, you don't have to do anything with what you make if you don't want. it's really just a writing challenge where you try to write a novel in a month. i usually psych myself out of it after a week or two, but this is my 8th year giving it a shot anyway. >:^)c

i used to like solely write things that were most sci-fi/horror leaning, but this year i just kind of woke up in october one day and said, "i'm gonna write a lesbian crime novel."

I'm in a weird(well, weirder) state today. It's like all my thoughts are evanescent. Whispy and whispering. Whispers in my ear about how I'll never escape my own mind. It'll forever betray me, forever be chipping away at everything that makes me a person. It's like I'm the walking dead, subsisting. I don't feel anything except rage that this is my reality or well unreality to be more appropriate. I never trust my own perceptions, because I know by now when I think I've got it all figured out I'm psychotic... That's what I've learned. And I'm always hearing voices and "delusional" according to my treatment team and my closest confidants who interact with me very frequently.

Makes me wonder what the point of life is. I'm not saying I want to die quite the contrary there's things I really love about my life. But my psychosis is always this infectious rot that keeps me from truly living and I have limits on what I can do and that's never going to change.

I wish people would stop asking me if I'm in school, working, in a long term relationship, etc. I will never be able to do those things. My cognition is truly terrible. It taking me forever to write this post even. I have to think about every word because otherwise it'll turn into ally he lines intersecting at the wrong time which makes me even more angry or just stay flat... My affect is so blunted like people think I'm so weird because I'll talk about whatever and people look at me funny.

Typing on a computer or in this case my phone is easier. I can think about how to construct the endless stream of words in my mind. My thoughts aren't racing it's like they e just spilled like a huge glass of water, preferably all over someone's electronics. My brain is so fried...

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i'm like on the edge of tears right now because this is exactly how i'm living right now and i wish i knew the right things to say to make it feel better. but it's ****. here's a hug emoji.

i'm luaghing because my music is right on beat with my avatar.

What kind of support do you get in the group you go to? Like, how does it help? Just curious, I'm thinking about finding more support groups in my area to go to so I'm wondering what people get out of them in terms of support/help and such.

It's just a small group at the clinic I go to. It's run by one of the therapists there. We just talk, about anything really and also try to throw in some kind of therapy topic every day too. It's really casual. We do lots of arts and crafts which is a lot of fun. It's nice to get out of the house once in awhile and do something

im sorry atypical.

god like every month or two i develop a new tic at work. now it's because my coworkers and bosses all knock on my desk when they pass and it freaks me out so much, i tuck my legs up under my chair and my arms up to my chest so i can't feel them do it and i squeeze my eyes shut so i can't see it because any of those cues make me want to scream.


like i want to believe that my psychosis would be better if i just left all these stressors but lmao i doubt it. i'd just have to find another more stressful and lower-paying job where i couldn't block out AM or people noises. :^)

i wish to be normal so bad. but im not. ive been able to fake normality to an extent. but i come apart within minutes. and people can tell theres something off about me. id like to think im funny and original but im just faking normality so much that im not anymore. when im psychotic is when all my creativity comes out. well i wouldnt say that extent. it comes out when im on meds too but not that much. im taking 5mg right now of haldol and noticing that im getting along pretty well but some bumps but my creativity and originality is coming out again.

Took 30mg Abilify 120mg Prozac to replenish the blood concentration lowered by the alcohols

This may not have made sense to most people but it made sense in my mind when I read it. It's like I connect the dots really easy with your posts somehow... Same wavelength like you and I talked about before.

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Awesome XD lol My dad is the same way.

gmorning tho ^^

Finishing my coffee and I'm off to work. Concerta be kicking in.

Gonna get more fish oil pills 3x stronger than normal.