Should I date a schizophrenic man?

I posted a message similar to this in the "relationships" forum, but perhaps this is a more appropriate location. I am a 27yo therapist with major depressive disorder and anxiety. I have met a 30yo man with schizophrenia who I have strong feelings for, and would like to have a relationship with. I'm afraid that with issues of my own it may be difficult to deal with his, but a large part of me wants to try. Also, because I am a therapist I deal with peoples problems 40hrs a week. I don't want to get in over my head, but I want desperately to be with him. Any suggestions?

Lulu

Hi there, welcome to PC.

I don't know too much about the disorder to be honest, I just wanted to let you know I had read your post. Please don't give up if it takes a little while to get a response, as this forum seems to have less traffic than some of the others. There are certainly some here that could give you some great advice however.

My advice would be to read up on the disorder and learn all you can. Try to figure out if you would reasonably be able to handle the type of problems that may come up - for example if the person had a nervous breakdown or episode, do you think you would be able to cope and be there for them, within reason of course?

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I echo Rainbowzz sentiments to a large measure. In spite of your mental health background I suspect that you have a stereotyped image of what "schizophrenia" looks like. If you're like many people, you probably envision a lifetime of chronicity and incurability as interspersed with random acts of violence and lack of control. That's not necessarily what you're getting yourself into.

If you're considering becoming intimately involved with this man I suggest you start out slowly by forming a friendship. Get to know him, his history and his current forms of treatment. Here's a few links that might help provide a bit more insight. The first is to the blog of a woman who's been married to a man diagnosed with schizophrenia for ten years, the second link is to the blog of a man diagnosed with schizophrenia who doesn't seem to lack for female companionship.
[*] The Wife of a Schizophrenic
[*] 4th Avenue Blues Blog

Those blogs offer snapshots of two men who are adhering to mainstream treatment protocols. Personally, I feel that the opportunity for recovery is much better outside of the mainstream mileau but I share those links with you because it's quite likely the man you're interested in is following a similar treatment program. As a result, those blogs can offer you a more realistic perspective. Bear in mind, it's a limited perspective. The course and outcome of "schizophrenia" is different for each individual. For the perspective of some individuals who are not or have not followed mainstream treatments, you can try here: Voices of Recovery.

Overall, someone who has been identified as "schizophrenic" is someone who is going through an extreme form of personal crisis. In some cases, they will make a full recovery, in some cases, they won't. Either way, you should expect that there will be a period of undetermined time when medication, therapy and possibly other forms of healing treatment will be a part of your life as long as he is part of yours. It's also likely that there may be a period of time when they are not able to financially provide for themselves. As noted, this may be temporary or of a longer duration -- the variance factor is found in the degree of recovery.

As a closing note, you said something that caught my eye: I want desperately to be with him. I would also suggest that you explore this sense of desperation and what it's all about.

I appreciate your response, as I am in need of feedback. However, let me clarify that I do NOT have a "stereotyped image" of what schizophrenia looks like. I don't envision a lifetime of chronicity, but I am realistic given that his age of onset was 19 and he is hospitalized approx once yearly b/c of psychotic episodes. He voluntarily participates in a day treatment program 5 days weekly, case management services, individual therapy, and medication services. He has no history of violence so I certainly don't envision that. I have worked for two years with schizophrenics. I have worked with patients and their families, but never a spouse or significant other. None of my clients have had a partner, hence my need for guidance in this area.

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It's helpful to know that you have actively worked with schizophrenic individuals for the past two years. Without that kind of information it's a bit difficult to determine where you lay on the spectrum of approach. The vast majority of individuals operate from a stereotype because they have never been exposed except through the media. My observation of that fact is not condenscension, it's reality.

Lulu,

My thought is how will his issues impact your issues?

EJ

EJ, I need a lot of emotional support from the man I'm with, but I'm not sure if he can be stable for me when I need it... I'd probably have to have a large support system to get my needs met b/c he alone may not be able to do it.

hi i only just recognised a pattern in myself ,others pointed it out for many years, but would i listen? i am drawn to women with bigger problems than my own, it stemmed from having to parent my mother ,i came to a realisation recently that i need a partner who i don't have to rescue all the time ,from 7 till 21 i was the caretaker of my mother and had 28 years of it in my marriage, -i've had enough!! i want to be part of a team where we take care of each other.i'd also say that any partner can't provide all of your needs ,in an ideal world maybe .I'd say take a breath and take it slowly

LuLu,

My husband of 35 years is not able to provide me emotional support especially when I need it most. I have a wide support system.

As much as I love my husband, and it has been wonderful seeing him see things for the first time, at age 60 I don't know if I would do this again.

Right now in particular, since I'm really tired physically and emotionally, I would like someone who could take care of me.

Praying for wisdom for your decision,

EJ

Jefftele,

Wow, maybe I sensed my husband needed care like my mother did! I know we are beautifully and wonderfully made, and are drawn to familiar emotional situations, but does anyone else find this goose-bump scarey?

I often repress how much I did support my mother emotionally, and was the strong one in the relationship. She clung to me emotionally, and it stunted my growth emotionally especially in my teen years.

Sometimes I say I'm socially retarded. It's not really funny but I'm going to take this opportunity and roll on the floor anyway -- since I need the exercise.

Owww -- that hurts when I let myself think about parenting my mother. She was always "the boss" which colored the truth, of who was really the strong one.

Quick, somebody pour some iodine on my wound.

EJ

((((((( EJ )))))))
Its true we get comfortable as children our a family no matter how dysfunctional they are. Unfortunately we carry this into our adult relationships, hence the pattern that you refer to. Recognizing it is a huge step so congratulations.

Lulu:

I can't help but notice that a mere five days before you first brought up this topic over on the relationships board, you'd made a post about an impending breakup with your boyfriend of eighteen months over his cannabis use. Unless there was some infidelity there (or it was an open relationship), I cannot fathom how you could so soon be desperate to be with someone else, aside from perhaps rebound, which isn't generally considered to be healthy behavior.

Apologies for being so callous, but it's part of my DX. Besides which, you're a therapist - you should know this stuff, right?

Yeah, that stings a bit...

I'm going to delete my profession from my profile because I've noticed that it leads people to believe that I know everything and have my ***** straight.

Well, obviously that's not the case. I'm as confused as anyone. I've got both of these things going on at once. Whether it's rebound or not, I'll decide that later. As for right now I'm being pressured in both directions and all I'm looking for is guidance and support. I feel like I'm drowning in this to the point where I can no longer be objective, which is why I need outside advice.

hi again i used to work in mental health , i had to stop as my mental health deteriorated to a point where i unable to be of help to anyone ,especially myself! i think most folk realise we are all trying to make sense of this life. i'd still say its early days re the relationship, give it time, you don't have to marry the guy, not yet anyway!!

Thank you for understanding. I had an appt with my psychiatrist yesterday and he believes I need to find another job b/c I'm becoming too enmeshed with my patients and its affecting my own mental health. He thinks I should stay in the field, just work in a different setting.
Thank you for reminding me to *breathe* and slow down.

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LuLu80 said:
I had an appt with my psychiatrist yesterday and he believes I need to find another job b/c I'm becoming too enmeshed with my patients and its affecting my own mental health.

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is the schizophrenic in question one of your patients?

No, he just said that in general b/c I'm an emotional wreck b/c of my job plus everything else thats going on.

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As a general rule of thumb, when you're feeling that you're an emotional wreck and overly stressed, it's probably not the best time to enter into a new romantic relationship. It's always possible you're unconsciously seeking to be rescued or perhaps to escape/avoid whatever your current difficulties are. Neither mindset is the best for co-creating a healthy, loving and respectful relationship with another human being.

As I understand it, you are currently in a relationship, albeit, one that may be on it's last legs. Likewise, it's nearly always best to end one relationship, recover as necessary, re-center, re-stabilize and then consider if you're ready to move on to another one. It's not only the kindest route for yourself, it's often the kindest route for those you may be involved with as well.

i am dating somone who has it ,they are no different it is a little harder if there meds aren't working other then that everthing normal

Update:
I went out with this man 4 times and it was wonderful... but last night he told me he didn't want to see me again b/c there was "no future." It's kind of more complicated then that, but the point is that I'm hitting rock bottom... breakup with fiance last month, loss of job, now this. I was really bad off last night. I felt like I couldn't breathe any longer.

You don't neccesarily go by the book....you have one life to live.....go with your heart and attempt to gain happiness. I wouldn't jump into it head first, just slowly but surely add it on and see how it goes, that way you have a back out route. Good luck.

Sorry the relationship didn't work out. and for the job loss too.

ummmmm... dear, I hope I convey this in the way it's in my head(and you don't misunderstand)...... you had a fiance-- someone that you were going to spend the rest of your life with(hopefully), then that broke up...... a month later,you met a guy and it felt good to be around him...... could it be that this guy was mostly filling an urgent void that needed filling?-- the loss of a future marriage/relationship.....

I only say this in kindness and not to offend -- just that-- doesn't it seem rather rapid for you to feel so much as a couple with the new guy, after 4 dates in a months time?

Maybe taking a few months on your own-- alone-- not in a relationship-- and dealing with a loss will help to move forward and give you strength to withstand a possible future set-back. perhaps it's too soon for a relationship?.....

I hope I've not offended, sometimes the thoughts in my head don't make it properly to the screen. My post was solely meant in support.

LuLu-

mandy

Mandy,

I understand what you're saying and no offense taken. I have a history of "rebounding" after breakups. It's hard for me to adjust to being alone after a long relationship. I'm especially having a hard time at night when it gets quiet, which is why I try to get on here! You're absolutely right in saying that I need to take some time off for myself. This may sound silly, but I'm scared b/c I'm 27 and single with no kids. All of my friends my age (some younger) already have families. I've heard that a womans fertility begins decreasing at age 27. That probably sounds crazy but it's something I worry about... being single forever! I am pressured from some family members to "hurry up." That is a factor, but my fear of being alone is first and foremost, definitely.

I'm feeling overwhelmed, trying to work on a lot of issues at once, but I'm actually feeling stronger day by day.

Thank you Mandy for being a sweetheart - I appreciate your honesty and understanding.