Roll Call 152

Morning

I'm honestly so exhausted still. I wish I could sleep.

I was living under a giant radio tower. The magnetic field was so high that rocks were floating in the front yard. Then I was in the amazon and got malaria from the mosquitos. Then I went to the beach with my mom, dad, brother and sister. The water was so warm. Then clouds sprayed ice on us and the ice crystals pierced into my skin. Then I went to highschool and met talked to people I haven't talked to in years. A kid was obsessed with me and started throwing fentanyl at me and my family. My mom was asking me questions about how other people would see me if I don't have a girlfriend. I said "I don't give the slightest ****".

Crazy dreams...

These dreams make me think of my past. I feel worthless. Idk why I couldn't just wake up. Now I feel like I'm falling asleep again. Going back to my old state. I feel really confused and lost. I'm not a hippie anymore. Maybe I need to trip again but I'd risk psychosis.

My creativity is dead. I want to CREATE. But I can't. People have done bad things to me.

But I suppose I should think about how grateful I am to have what I have. That I'm in a safe environment. But this feeling is annoying. I'm annoyed by myself and my thoughts.

I might go for a walk at 8am and listen to a podcast. Then I'll be going hiking. I'm afraid that my moms heart will stop because it's an expert hike. She can't do it. I don't know what is wrong with her. She could die.

I'm becoming my past because I'm thinking about it too much.

I got a pot roast and some other stuff to get me through till I have money to go grocery shopping on Monday

Hope Valley is doing okay

The world is full of darkness and light, like air and ocean. Sometimes the light goes through the darkness and lights it up and sometimes the darkness encroaches on the light until it seems like there is no more light at all. My eyes are full of light today but sometimes they are full of darkness. Sometimes the darkness is around the edges and the light is only in the center and everything blacks out until there is nothing left. One day that will happen and the light won't come back and I will be afraid of all the darkness. The eye doctor when I got my glasses said my eyes are healthy but he doesn't know about the darkness and the light.

Starting to get a chest cold

I'm home

I'm tired. And I had to work over over my hours. So I just get to come home early tomorrow. Then I got a 4 day weekend.

Do u think that's why u been tired lately?

Possibly, maybe that combined with the thorazine I started last week

I'm drinking a lot of water and have soup if I need something hot

Also, I wasn't getting proper (enough) nutrition for a few weeks, so there's probably several factors that may relate to the tiredness

thyroid medicine is ready at the pharmacy.

I think I'm finally getting used to the zyprexa, have stayed up all day today.

How is thorazine ? I'm looking to get off my seroquel. I've been on it for 16 years!! But its causing me apathy and depression . I want to have hobbies and enjoy things again . Lately I feel like I dint exist outside of work. Its caused a lot of sui urges lately .

What are the side effects like ? Is it sedating at all? I'd need something to help me sleep but not make me so depressed

I think about my mom and what itd do to her if I took my life

I think I've come a long way myself.... but of course I have slip ups . I think I always will though

I started out like you are . Short shifts a few days a week. Go at your own pace. You can do more than you think ! You didn't think you could work months ago. Now you are

I saw ppl af my first job working full time and I thought I would NEVER be able to do that

Now I've been full time for over a year and am likely getting a promotion

Dont underestimate yourself but also keep a steady pace ... know your limits and keep the balance

I saw my therapist today. He emailed a referral to a pdoc he works with . So I hope I can see her. He wrote all my diagnoses down and it was a lot lol, I said shes gonna see that and say NOPE! he laughed n said no.

We had a light session because last week I got super triggered and shut down and he asked me to stay in his office while he did his next session in another room. He asked me to stay til he got back. I've been really struggling since then, hes called to check in with me a couple times .

But I'm feeling better today so hoping its passing now ...

Yes. As of right now I need to keep things in small doses, basically put. Thank you!

I went out to eat with my boss today and it really humbled me because I could barely eat at the restaurant. I have a thing about eating in front of people and going to restaurants. Eating around people that I dont know...i feel nauseous. I could barely keep the food down my throat. Anyway, it humbled me because it showed I'm not to a point just yet where I can say I'm normal. Plus I felt completely dumb next to her, and shes younger than me by 5 years.

Making sure to do a lot of positive self-talk in my last semester of undergrad

I actually haven't had any side effects, I switched from 600mg of seroquel over to 400mg of the thorazine. I was terrified to take it at first cause of all the negative connotations with it but it's actually been really helping me and I do sleep well too so that's good, I hope you can find something that helps you

I actually surprisingly have more energy the past two or 3 days than I have in a long time. I had my friend over to my apartment, and I have NEVER in the 3 years of living here let anyone come over, the only people who have been are family and maintenance when necessary. So not only socializing but having him over was a big thing. and I've been going different places to breakfast and doing new things normally scares me

I'm having horrible SUI thoughts today. I did some retail therapy and spent $90 on shoes. And I'm going to go hang out with a friend tonight. But D@mn. FML. Stupid thoughts won't go away. Now I'm getting visual hallucinations too.

Hope things get better Kit

Thanks @Blue_Bird I just made a list of stuff I can do to distract myself from the thoughts. I came up with a pretty long list so I'm hoping I can get distracted enough doing something on that list that I won't notice the thoughts anymore. If it doesn't work and it gets really bad I can either go to the walk in crisis clinic or go to the hospital. I want to avoid both though so here's hoping something works.