Roll Call 152

Don't take me seriously. I'm just mentally ill. Which should be taken seriously but I don't want anyone to because I don't care. I meditated without any intention to meditate. I looked at my ps4 and realized that it is God. Everything is God. Everything is the same and imaginates itself. I'll just reincarnate into everything so I don't really care.

If it wasnt for my negative symptoms then I'd actually be living

I believe that the psychiatrist that diagnosed me with schizophrenia is possibly evil and wasn't trying to help me but he hated me and acted nice. I took 5mg olanzepine cuz I'm getting alarming thoughts. Just the pill in my hand is the universe. I'm actually sick of this ******** reality. My cat is a thing. I have zero free will right now and when I don't, no one does. Reality is just a play watched by no one. No one witnesses it. It's truly what comes from nothing.

Sorry you're struggling Desoxyn

I've been feeling strange tonight I think I had too much caffeine. I keep thinking my doctor is trying to kill me, I just need to go to sleep.

I understand, I've been super hungry all day, as if I haven't eaten even though I have

Hope work went by quick for you

I feel quite better. Maybe it's the olanzepine and meditating. I went into a painful dysphoria and then started having suicidal, solipsistic, pantheistic and pure OCD thoughts.

I can't have caffeine past 1pm or else it takes forever for me to go to bed. Also, caffeine releases dopamine to the brain, which is the cause of most of our schizophrenic sorrows.

My roommate doesn't approve of my new photo I put on my dating profile. pfft. Get this--she wants me to use old photos from when I looked like a calvin klein model. Yeah... dude, that would be a cat fish, seriously! My work mates agree. I mean, I'm not ugly now, but the difference is crystal clear. ANyways, 2 of my ex girlfriends have contacted me on that thread. Crazy right?

I gotta be one of the few people in roll call that practices strict mental hygiene in order to keep myself sane. But not physical hygiene, like eating right and exercising. Well I take vitamins.

Gonna make a coffee.

I want stimulant.

I had a 2 years of pretty much being completely stable up until this past spring , things started going downhill and I had to take time off college. Things got even worse the past month, literally 2nd worst episode I've had in my life so I'm struggling but improving with the med change but I do practice self care and use tons of coping skills, working with people to get my life back on track

I apologize bb. I didnt mean you specifically. Maybe I shouldn't be judgemental. I really shouldn't. Things could go wrong for me in an instant. So I'm sorry.

I guess I'm just riding high on life for the moment.

It's okay Newtus. I wasn't offended. I just wanted to point out that people are in different periods of their life, some are going through hard times, others doing well, there's no way to know for sure what a person is or isn't doing to help their mental health. I used to be the person always posting about positive things and whatnot, now I'm where I was 7 years ago when I was first dx'd, didn't expect things to turn like that but things will get better

Keep being positive. It's actually really nice to see here, you know.

With everything going on I really am on the verge of breaking down. Anything else added to my life will surely break me down. I know it. I come home everyday after work hearing voices and paranoid. I start the day off fine, but I'm really glad I'm working only 5 hours 3 days a week because I couldn't handle more. I'm really scared that after a year if they offer me full time I wont be able to handle it. Idk. I just need to focus on now.

I dont say what I'm dealing with much anymore here, because I'm scared everyone here will think i am a failure.

Everyone has their own thing. We all try our best. No one is better than the other no matter our progress or standing.

Yes true. I agree. But what about people like trump supporters or idk.

I was talking to a friend last year and he said he has problems finishing things but easy to start things. I said that I have problems starting things but no problem finishing things.

But tbh I also have problems finishing things cuz of cognitive fatigue. I plan on doing brain games because when I was walking with my mom and her bf yesterday, I realized, - "Do people in the mall think that my moms bf is my dad?" and I realized that looking at families walking in the mall, a lot of the time, a dad might be a step dad and a mom might be a step mom. Or the kid/kids could be adopted.

I believe training my brain to solve problems will allow me to be more creative and think outside the box. I like to flirt with psychosis sometimes to do that but I'm telling my psychiatrist to bring my Invega injection back to 3 weeks instead of every 4 weeks.

Podcasts changed my life. I plan on doing so many things and there's many things that I can do (Including exercise - I'm going hiking tomorrow.. So I guess I exercise moderately like mountain biking, skiing, going to the gym, taking walks, etc) but I need something to stimulate my brain constantly to motivate me (Vyvanse, reaching the top of a mountain.. something to work towards).

I want to go to school to become a biochemist like my cousin and pharmacologist. But I won't use those things on their own. I want to learn how to write better and then write books. So I'll probably sign up for a philosophy course soon just to get my mind sharp. I can't smoke weed if I want my mind sharp but idk.. I found studying anthropology hard because there was so much reading but my mind will get better with time.

I procrastinate a lot. I read slightly and most of the things I do are on the internet like learning how to make money in the future, learning about investments like bitcoin and blockchain. I was teaching myself how to code at one point and hack. But really I just start one thing, then stop and go towards something else. I try to build skills all the time but burn out with all the information I'm absorbing. I spend time reading articles on flipboard cuz it has like 100 topics.. But I never stick to one topic which is why I was thinking about liberal arts.. I feel like things get me nowhere. And all this started just 2 years ago after my intense psychedelic trip. If I don't know what an English word means, I look it up. When I have a weird thought, I google it and go down the rabbit hole.

I reward myself with laziness too much like "I'll listen to music and write".. I only started writing prose creative writing after my psychosis. Before that, I was dead inside and hated everything.

Lately I've been teaching myself how to draw. I remember drawing when I was like 12. I played guitar when I was 14. I never stuck with anything. I don't see the light sometimes. Nothing inspired me in the past. Now I'm constantly looking for inspiration to have motivation, happiness and well being.

Physical hygiene is ok. I shower once a week but I brush my teeth every morning, shave, gel my hair just for something to do and make my bed etc, clean my room before it gets too messy.

And I can't be alone anymore or else I go nuts. I need constant social interaction now (Having coffee with people), talking to strangers. I put a section in my notes called "Self improvement". I have to learn skills or else my brain will rot.

I get so depressed because it's really really hard for me to function with doing a variety of things and absorbing information. I plan on getting another part time job which will make me think about time being more precious and also putting a bit more stress on me. I think about my future a lot because I want to be able to be comfortable and travel the world. I hate being in the same place. Part of my problem is that my surroundings are so small and I feel claustrophobic. Even the mountains make me feel closed in because I can't see the horizon.

I look at the big picture too much. I don't pay attention to detail. I can't be comfortable to start going into youtube videos or netflix even though there's so many interesting things out there to watch but I feel like I'm neglecting everything else. To FOCUS is to IGNORE everything else. I can't focus.

Achievers are addicted to stimulants

Not me. I consider myself somewhat of an achiever. I cant even drink coffee anymore really. Part of it is due to my meds. But if I get too much stimulants in me I have anxiety. I take antianxiety before work sometimes. I need something to slow me down in order to be normal. Hence the haldol these past 7 or 8 years hahaha. It's pretty much a tranq. I have insomnia too.

I'm sorry Newtus. I didn't know you had living grandparents. I hope he'll pull through.

I feel that way about my Chicago shrink. I think he was trying to kill me. I liked the pdoc at the clinic, he was really nice to me.

Good morning, going to the food pantry in a few hours