Roll Call 173

4,295 steps so far today. (went on 2 walks) That's a lot more physical activity than I normally do. I'd like to get back to doing over 10,000 steps a day but I'll have to work my way up to that. It says I got 6 hours 2 minutes of sleep last night and has a lot of in depth details about that too

Good morning. Took clozapine at 6am with cogentin, woke up 10am anxious. Feeling ok now.

Erti, I struggled alot w psychosis and a bunch of meds. Trilafon at just 2 mg tid has beena miracle for me. Might check it out.

Hugs.

might need to go to hospital

Seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow

Frustrated and anhedonic as usual.

My whole body aches from standing up all morning. I did a lot of work it was busy. It hurts especially where I got the injection.

@newtus. I think that you are in hypomania - But it's a type of hypomania that is produced by planning, meaning, inspiration, etc..

Idk if you'll crash. If you don't, make sure that you're taking your antipsychotic so you don't fry everything out - Make sure you take breaks and be mindful about the whole thing.

I remember being euphoric on many drugs... I've had wonderful times just contemplating and analyzing my thoughts and feelings.. I don't remember though. I would write memory journals and such but I have no motivation.

I can't make myself write poems or anything ever. It just comes as something that I attempt 1-3 times a month out of habit.

Remember, if you feel a crash - That doesn't mean that it's over. It could just be a break of depression within the hypomania - Making you doubt life, etc.. Or what someone has said to you.. The jet fuel still burns no matter what.

The pain is going away. I took 400mg of ibuprofen and 8mg of codeine/300mg acetaminophen.

Idk why I'm so inflamed all the time. Lack of deep sleep.

thoughts being read

Thank you

Yea you’re right it’s hypomania produced by inspiration and motivation. I see or read something or hear something and a million ideas come to my head.

No, falcs. They aren't. That is your illness playing tricks on you.

Hugs.

I'm so tired I can't even think straight. I slept 6 hours last night but with the meds I'm on I require at least 10 hours. I feel horrible. I hope I don't sleep through my appointment tomorrow. I need to be up and ready to go by 10.

I’m sorry bb. Can u take a nap or a series of naps this evening to counteract the tiredness for tomorrow? Idek if that’s possible. Jw.

I need at a good 10 hours of sleep every night as well on these meds. I'm getting like 6-7 on my work days.

I could go to sleep now but it's too early.

I tried lying down again and had to put pillows under my back so my heart isn't beating so hard - I accept my fate that I damaged my heart with stimulant abuse (Even though my heart has been tested).. Idk maybe it's the nicotine gum in combination with the Vyvanse and alprazolam/phenibut withdrawal.

anxiety out the *** again... I don't feel safe for some reason.

I feel cognitively damaged. I kind of half give up.

How bad can my cognition get? It seems hopeless.

Why do you feel like your cognition is bad?

It's probably just work taking out all of my energy. I only work 4-5 hours so I can't believe how bad it would be to work 8 hours.

No one should work 8 hours -> That's ridiculous. No one NEEDS to work that much. It's basically companies just milking people dry.

Because I can't do things.. It's been this way since I was 12 when negative symptoms started.

It's like I'm trapped inside a body that can't move.

I hear you on that. I used to have TERRIBLE negative symptoms. I couldn't even talk to people at different times and my verbal fluency was horrible. What got me out of that was, strangely, antidepressants being prescribed for me instead of only antipsychotics. Meaning that I take antipsychotics and antidepressants now and my verbal fluency is back. It's taken a super long time (~11 years) but I think I finally have the right balance of meds.

Antidepressants mess with my heart and give me dissociation.

I don't get it. I want a different environment. I'm tired and exhausted. I'm not as smart as people say/think I am - Otherwise I would have not been so easily manipulated by my ex step dad. He was smarter than me.

Something just don't seem right. I'm scare to go anywhere. I think I may need the hospital because I feel like running off.

I feel considerably better after taking olanzapine for a few days. I guess that stuff really works.

It helps with my illogical beliefs and thoughts and paranoia and other symptoms I was having. Such as changing my mind constantly.

I think meds do work to a certain extent. I know I can do things to influence my mood positively, and I have trouble doing that sometimes, but I like trying to do something positive for myself in that regard. Like today I just sat and listened to music for a while. I have a record player so I like using that.

I also think meds aren't everything. I think for me, I have to institute other things in my life to be happy. Like meaningful stuff. Like intellectual curiosity, for me, is important. And music and stuff like that. Writing, too.

Thanks newtus i tried, but haven’t been able to get to sleep. It’s 8:41pm now so I’m hoping that soon once my night meds kick in I can sleep. I set like 5 alarms for tomorrow morning.