Roll Call 174

Well my island is nonexistent so far.....lol

Why sad? I want to see your island too!

Vyvanse and coffee kicked in. Bought more nicotine gum.

It's cloudy outside - I wish it was sunny. Oh well.

I hurt my knee somehow, pretty bad. Fck.

Yuhhhhssssssssss!

Finally moved from step 2 (complete your file) to step 3 (eligibility review and award notice) for financial aid at college. I stayed at step 2 for a month because they failed to tell me some documents were missing.

Finally tho! I turned in the rest of the documents and hour again and moved up a step. Yuhhhhssssssirrr!!!

Can’t wait for this tuition refund. It should help out so muchhh.

Pretty sure my spine is very fckd up from my weight.

Just thinking about everything. My health, my car needs tires... I can’t drive it right now, my mom buying this house, if these people I met in this city even like me truly ...I don’t think they do, being jobless, my mental health, my writing I never do anymore, lack of stuff coming from my writing to begin with... making pennies on the dollar, living situation that I got a week to figure out, how I can continue to afford therapy that I really need, just so much and more I haven’t listed.

Fck man

Newtus you're doing good. You seem like a person that will be worrying much less in the future. This is the struggle right now.. THE s-t-r-u-g-g-l-l-l-l-l-e-e-e

Never give up!

For me too.. I have nothing figured out right now and the video chat people grilled me. My sister grilled me for changing my online courses - I stood there with my face all red - Like what the hell do I do? People need to stop putting thoughts into my head..

The meaning of life is to just be alive - OMG my cat meows at me..

But you can do anything you want. Anything you damn please - You make what is right or wrong with the pressure of society weighing down on you - Like a form of mind control.

I believe that mind control is needed because even 100-200 years ago, people were savages, dying from diseases - The future is going to be great with technology and medical technology.. So be healthy, don't smoke, exercise.. I'm going on a hike with my mom after she gets home from work.

There's only so much that I can do... I have no idea what to do - Well I do but there's so many things.. I think about being an entrepreneur because spending my time working for just enough to live really triggers me especially other people (And I know that it shouldn't) - Like "I only have 3 dollars in my bank account" - I don't get it.. Stop buying drugs then. I had the money to buy drugs - If I didn't, I wouldn't have.. That's why my mom controls my money.

But imagine.. Working full time - Asexual, depression.. That's what I did for a while.. I was thinking dark af thoughts - "I can see your smile" *Puts on fake smile*...

I feel like my ex step dad and what he did to me was so serious that I lost a lot of my sense of humour. I used to be so popular in school because I was funny - In class, yard, on the bus.. My teacher said (Before I left Ireland), "I hope you don't lose that unique sense of humour that you have" - I barely remember things but that's one thing that I remembered..

My ex step dad wasn't funny. And I think the opposite of humour is FEAR - Like when I smoke too much weed - I think that everyone is laughing at me when they're laughing.

I just need to learn to relax - I coped the wrong way using Xanax and that's why I ended up in the hospital maybe - But also because of what the soldiers and cyptro investor said with OCD thoughts driving me nuts to no end about it - Because partially, they made me realize things that normal people realized before me at this age or just basic common sense.

I have very little common sense because my brain is using a lot of efficiency for other things - Like solving, analyzing, feeling, avoiding pain, embarrassment, trying to survive in this culture. I'm nihilistic sometimes and have odd thoughts that are disconnected from culture.

If only I could just figure things out instead of having so much anxiety. Sometimes I'd like to press fast forward on my life to get to the possible better part - But the obvious idea is to live in the moment - The struggle, never give up and keep going forward.

I can never think of things at the top of my head when I explain what I do to people because it's not connected - I think that's why I get so solipsistic. I need people to see who I am in a way that isn't wrong, authentically - Yet people say I lie and am ********ting them when they don't know me. It's basically what a zen master does.. You sit alone and do nothing for hours - You can't fall asleep or drift into a trance. I'm always asleep or in a trance so maybe meditation would be good.

Ah nvm ignore me

Hugs, Kit.

I've had a lot less panic attacks since I stopped drinking coffee

Made plans to have coffee with my sister at Denny's next month. (I still drink it on special occasions)

Have a dentist appointment Tuesday. Sucks. Oh well, I need to get the rest of those fillings done. It will probably be done over a series of appointments.

I feel good. Have a lot of cleaning to do tomorrow, and laundry.

I'm wearing my Halloween pajamas. They're super comfortable.

Finally I feel a little better...go some of my readings done for class so I’m not as swamped......

Took an ativan and Took a nap. Feel a bit better. Don’t wanna jinx it.

Not doing so great today. I guess I got myself into a bit of a situation at school. Apparently I wasn't supposed to talk to the head of the uni. I guess I screwed up. Now someone in my department is pissed apparently.

Though I did realize, I was doing a LOT better earlier this year. It could have been when I switched therapists when I started to slide. I think that's true. Because the therapist from before was a lot better. I don't know why I switched, quite honestly. I kind of wish I could be back with my therapist who I was seeing earlier in the year. She's just a better therapist overall.

Feeling quite sad. If only I could feel like this for longer instead of being so numb and in a dysphoric type of hypomania all the time and anxious.

Maybe it's the olanzepine. If so, good.

It also seems like my computer is about to fry. Like it's running super hot and this is not good. I would hate to lose my computer right now especially. I think I'm completely insane right now. I'm worrying about my computer instead of myself. The ironic thing is that the meds have been increased. And I feel this way right now.

My computer and phone are like parts of my brain.

I've made many mistakes in this world

I need to go through a lot of pain to truly live

I feel like a lot of the stupid stuff I hear is just not scientifically proven. Like how do we really know that being kind to ourselves in a little voice in our minds is going to help us? I don't understand this concept. Maybe someone can help enlighten me.

And my old therapist hasn't responded to me yet. That is making me stressed. What if she just doesn't give a crap anymore.

I believe that I have replied to this message with hundreds of thousands of replies in different dimensions/universes and you replied back with hundreds of thousands of replies. Connection and what is real is what matters.

And that's not scientifically proven - Cuz scientists can be fools. They disagree with each other. We're all fools. We just find the most obvious patterns and roll with it.