Roll Call 174

I have big plans this long weekend to get a bunch of coursework done. And to schedule exams for the beginning of next month. So I’m excited but nervous.

Also, I’m excited to talk to my psychologist in two weeks. At first I was nervous of the thought of talking about intrusive thoughts and now I’m looking forward to it. Get it off my chest.

Job! How are you doing?? Did you try the 1/2 thing last night?

Doing better now, I set up an appointment with my old therapist. That is good news. I was in bad shape. Crazy that just the fact that I set up an appointment with her makes me feel slightly better.

No panic today - Olanzepine is doing good.

Now to sleep cuz I have work in the morning..

Doing fine this morning. Drinking my big cup of coffee that is relatively strong. Hope everyone has a good day today.

Olanzepine was giving me slight periodical chest pains - Which could be anxiety because they went away once I fell asleep. It's been getting progressively worse though every night..

It was hard to get up this morning. I'll take the Vyvanse in two hours..

I ran out of my AP

according to my friends girlfriend... Her oldest son is telling cps I was mean to him. Also my friends girlfriends mom and sister thinks I'm trying to surveillance my friends girlfriend.

Holy shyt. What’s gonna happen?

Not quite sure because we think he's been fed stuff in his ears because he's saying loads of weird stuff that never happen. Idk if it's true but according to my friends girlfriend they are no longer trying for unification because according to her mom and sister they all don't want to go back home.

I’m tired. Of everything. Really am. I’m emotionally and mentally exhausted. I’m literally hand and foot waiting for everyone in order to do what I need/want to do in life and I’m just tired of it. I’m sick of waiting for actual change in my life. This is why I chose to goto uni and do philosophy. Nothing about me is where I’d like it to be. Like, I’m ****ing disabled mental health wise. No money. I’m not married. No children. I’m told what to do by ****ing everyone in my life. And it’s twisted me into a subservient, sensitive person. I’m scared of people. Going to uni and doing philosophy is literally my way of saying fck you to everyone. No I’m NOT doing business or accounting or whatever and idgaf! I know exactly where I want to go and be in life and I’m being held back by everyone. Everyone in IRL.

I’m being held back by my own discord. I’m letting people hold me back. And for what??? Cuz I love people and want my family to be ok with what I’m doing and listen to their thoughts to? For what?

I mean ugh man.

I just see this as another step in recovery. Making my own damn decisions in life. My parents are so damn afraid I’m gonna “fall and hurt myself”. Let me fall! Let me learn! Don’t talk down to me like I’m 18.

I really want a drink

Hi guys. Still doing bad today. My parents offered last night to delay their trip to my sister's because I am struggling but I didn't want them to do that. So I told them to go ahead and go. I did call up a friend and ask her if I could come to her place if I start feeling too unwell. She has her sister staying with her right now but she said she has an extra bed if I need to sleep over and I can come anytime. I want to SH so bad! I texted my T but she didn't get back to me. I emailed my former Pastor T and he sent me back a lovely, loving, sweet email telling me that runners hit a wall and then they have to push through the wall and push through their pain to get through it and that's where I am at. He also said he believes in me. I see T tomorrow. I'm kind of scared I'll be hospitalized. I know I will be if I act on any SH so I'm trying not to. Voices and visions have been good. I'm just not in a well head space. HUGS Kit

It didn't work. I tried it two nights in a row. Had to try it though! My pdoc I see on the 12 now so she can give me something I'm sure. I'll be stable until then, that is sure.

I can finally have visitors at my apartment. They just have to sign in and out at the security desk when coming and leaving. I haven’t been able to have anyone over since Covid started so it will be nice to have my sister over to visit.

That's lovely Blue_Bird!

Quiet today

contemplating at what point hospital is needed

Yeah, me too, for like two days. HUGS Kit

I had an episode where I was going to go to the hospital a few weeks ago. What helped was calling the on-call psychiatrist and she made some quick changes in my meds and just going to bed early one night. I understand how hard it can be though when feeling like that. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself or soothe yourself? Hope that might help. There is also a service called Samaritans.org where you can email someone if you're having thoughts of self-harm. They are confidential and I've used it before. I hope that helps.

Exhausted...

I decided to start learning about investing again.

I'll be going on a hike with my mom today (I didn't go yesterday because she was too tired). I just hope that the olanzepine isn't making my heart failure worse if I have heart failure..

Having a really bad panic attack. Had to take my klonopin.

Since the 10mg of olanzepine every night and taking the Vyvanse later in the day, I barely even worry about panic anymore.

I'm sorry @Blue_Bird! I hope the klonopin helped!