Roll Call 174

I’m feeling very paranoid and I was having hallucinations yesterday and last night. Not to mention I cried from 5am til 1am the next day, which was 1am this morning. And it’s just spilling over into today but I haven’t took my meds yet.

Hopefully that will help!

I'm sorry your struggling Newtus Did you ever get your AP refilled?

EDIT: Just seen your post about not having it for one day, I hope now that you have the right dose it will help you

Well, I washed my sheets and blanket yesterday, now I have my clothes washing, so I'm finally gonna be caught up with laundry. For a second at least. Laundry is never ending of course

As frustrating as laundry is at least I have access to it now, at my last apartment I had to walk a mile with my laundry to the laundromat and pay to do it. Here it's in the building and free. So I'm thankful for that for sure

Thank you so much bb. I wouldn’t know where to begin to talk about the shytstorm yesterday.

I hope so How have you been Angelique?

My anxiety has been really bad still. Right now I have to run and put my batteries in the charger. So tense.

I hope you find some relief There's a lot of star trek on Netflix so I added that onto my list to watch since I heard it's good, I know you're a fan

It all started with my mom offering to buy me tires. I told that story yesterday. Mind you, I didn’t have my AP for 1 day. Yesterday. I cried from 5am (when I woke up) to 1am (when I went to sleep) about the whole situation. Which she kept changing the story of what she was actually offering me. Asked me to get my dad involved by asking him to pay for 2 tires. Then my dad backed out because of their history together and the tires are expensive cuz I have a muscle car. (But it’s paid for and in great condition. So I am not selling it). Then I ended up backing out the whole deal. She kept calling me tho, afterwards a few times. Which I didn’t answer but once to say I no longer want her help. (She said some very nasty things about my dad which tipped everything off for me around 9am yesterday.

I ended up transferring my sadness subconsciously to issues in dealing with, with Fiancé. I cried about that and cried to my friend on the phone about my mom and my relationship.

Fiancé had to catch me by the ear (not physically) and tell me that everytime I get involved with my moms issues/efforts, that i get in a bad place. He said I was doing fine this past week til she roped herself into my issues.

Fiancé and I talked and talked and talked. He gave me a sort of pep talk with tough love. So did my old pss when this situation initially started 3 days ago (she seems to know my mom very well and how she does things. So she catches my moms bs early on).

Everyone that knows my mom, don’t like her. Even some cousins of mine on her side of the family. Even my own grandma has told my dad (when they got together) to watch out for my mom cuz she’s crazy-acting and wild.

Oh, it would be great to binge watch Voyager (my favorite Star Trek series) for the first time! My anxiety is still hanging on even though I just went to put my batteries in the charger. I made myself more nervous by saying hello to that man I like, I sort of rushed back to my room just now after that. I'm such a moron.

Omg.

I inquired about a duplex and they said the dogs would be fine if they are inside dogs and non-barking. ...... ?!?! What kind of dogs don’t bark? And are inside dogs? Dogs have to poop outside... Please someone tell me....

Omfg I woke up to thisss

The paper towel is stuck to her faceee

The Endometriosis has been messing up with my hormones/mood. I get depressed and irritated easily. Everyone told me to get the surgery done. But we’re talking about a crowded capital city with the highest Covid positive cases here. I’m not being irrational by avoiding to stay in a hospital.

Good job Sassy!

Cleaned my kitchen sink using baking soda. I use chemical cleaners sometimes but a lot of the time I'm too nervous to so I just use baking soda and water. I just get nervous handling cleaning stuff so I look for alternative ways online. Of course, there are some times it can't be avoided (when needing to disinfect) but otherwise avoid them

4 more months and my debt will be paid off completely (it's down to $643) and I can start taking classes again at my college

Today looking up keto + listening to podcasts about it

Maybelle is going to be great company once I get her. I can't wait!

My focus is so bad. I was going to eat fast food but then the Vyvanse kicked in and I didn't feel like walking all the way down there.

So I ate something right now. Right now, I run on sugar and have been my whole life - So I feel a little more focused. I can't believe how dramatically my brain needs sugar.

Work today was ok. I'm managing to sleep every night with just 10mg of olanzepine and 3.75mg of zopiclone - For 3 nights in a row.

Decided to not go inpatient....still feel horrible though

I'm going to request another ECG to see how my QTc interval is because antipsychotics slightly prolong the time that it takes for the heart to recharge after a beat.

I think I'm going to quit taking Vyvanse - Or at least at 40mg. Maybe bring it down to 20-30mg after stopping for a while and seeing how I do.

I mainly need to stop chewing so much nicotine gum.

I told my mom and she said that I always want to change my meds. It's true.

She said to chew one less nicotine gum every day. I'll try doing that.

I'm just really scared and sad about everything that has happened in this incarnation.

I was meditating today and thought about my thoughts and realized that I never freak out completely after a thought has gone and imagined it in my mind like something peaking, going down and being lifted back up again.. A wave.. A brain wave!

Delta brain waves (0.5-4Hz) - Downers
Theta brain waves (4-8Hz) - Psychedelics
Alpha brain waves (8-12Hz) - Weed
Beta brain waves (12-35Hz) - Stimulants
Gamma brain waves (35Hz +) - Mania and epilepsy..