Roll Call 174

I'm gonna see about having maintenance come up so they can help me hang my pictures on the wall. We're required to have them do it since they know where to place the nails so we don't mess up the walls. I have 4 pics I need hung, one framed poster of Lindsey Stirling, one of Jesus, One of Mary, and my baptismal/confirmation certificate. I also want to eventually get a Michael Myers tin sign to hang up for Halloween decoration

Is albert your cat?

I think the gabapentin is helping. Otherwise I'd be a total mess with what's all going on right now. The CPS case worker is dicking us around and my friends girl friend sister and her mother is putting words in the kids mouth.

I’m bored. I haven’t started saying that til a few months after I lost my job. Sucks. But with this new medicine dosage I’m back to sleeping all day and sometimes all night. I’m back to square one. I feel like a fraud, too, because I just am doing all this editorial advocacy work and I’m back to square one. I feel like an imposter! L

Being sick with mental health sucks.

If it ain’t the illness keeping you down, it’s the meds. It’s always something. Then you feel good for one whole day and then the next day it’s back to depression, or having a panic attack, or voices, or whatever. It’s just such a fckn struggle. And my agoraphobia and anxiety has ramped up since I’ve been home due to losing my job and covid. Fckn ridiculous.

I’ve been having extremely bad panic attacks and paranoia. Tonight what helped was taking my klonopin and a phone call from my sister.

On top of that going through caffeine withdrawal. I drank 8 plus cups daily for years and just stopped cold turkey 3 days ago. Horrible headaches and moodiness, had nausea too.

I’m going to keep at it though because coffee is acidic and wears on tooth enamel, which I can’t afford to mess up anymore due to my history with bulimia causing a lot of tooth damage. And I want to have better quality sleep. My Fitbit always gives my sleep a score of like 73-77 out of 100 (fair) I think it could be better without all the caffeine. And I’m sure it wasn’t helping my panic attacks much anyways. So I’m resetting my tolerance so I can enjoy a cup of coffee once in awhile months from now and it can actually have that euphoric effect on me like it used to. And just drink it on special occasions.

My sister is going to set me up with cat food and litter for the month so it will be easier on me and I’ll be ready to start taking care of maybelle (after she has her vet appointment and moves in with me)

Got these movies at the library today

I’m gonna try to make Spaghetti carbonara maybe next weekend. Never made it or had it before. My sister said it’s really good.

Newtus, you just described exactly how I feel. Zackly. But you are not a fraud or impostor. That is bull#@$!. You have a badass brain disease that is incurable and has very li.ited rx options. You are doing great and you are my personal freaking hero. Huge hugs.


We must just do what we can when we can. It is going to take longer to write right now. Stop being pissed and accept it. This is our brains. It is te deck we got dealt. And you are a hero.

I had to pretty much quit coffee too. I’ve actually have been drinking Red Bull’s every so often. I’ve had 3 so far in the past few weeks. So maybe on average 1 a week so far. Coffee makes me terribly anxious now, and the acidity messes with my acid reflux, also on an empty stomach I feel nauseous with coffee. I do coffee on special occasions now too. Hope it helps your system to take it away for awhile. Sorry about the migraines. Yes, they are some of the most awful migraines you’ll get. Mine quit after a week thankfully.

Good to see you on.

I feel like an imposter!

A lot of mainstream philosophers feel like imposters. I think being vulnerable and saying is a sign of a healthy individual. I haven't had the nerve to write **** since my last short story lol I don't even have plans to write anything.


I felt like an imposter as well before I published my book but I kept telling myself I was this great writer, and that anybody can do it if they try and I think that pushed me into toxic narcissism. Maybe that's the tight rope writers have to walk, between feeling like an imposter and being a narcissist. I think feeling like an imposter would be preferable to everyone around you...

Oh, sorry, Job. Yes.

Olanzepine I'm sure knocked me out before the zopiclone could even kick in lol. I had some wild *** dreams.

Now I have no positive symptoms.. My extra thoughts are gone... I miss them..

I'll be having a coffee soon and then I'll take Vyvanse in 2 hours..

Edit: It's hard to write.. I didn't have a panic attack yesterday and might not have one today - We'll see..

Feeling mildly depressed...think it’s because we’re going to have storms so it’s overcast out probably going to have to go to work in the storms which I’m not used to driving in and the last time this happened we lost power. Also I can’t start on classes really so I’m kinda bummed about that. My self care box is at home so I can’t bust I to that and it’s too big to bring here. Ideas?

I like how sleep heals and resets the mind. I was having a horrible panic attack last night that lasted for hours then I went to sleep and woke up feeling a lot better today

Feeling mildly depressed...think it’s because we’re going to have storms so it’s overcast out probably going to have to go to work in the storms which I’m not used to driving in and the last time this happened we lost power. Also I can’t start on classes really so I’m kinda bummed about that. My self care box is at home so I can’t bust I to that and it’s too big to bring here. Ideas?