Roll Call 174

Had a grilled ham and cheese sandwich and a pickle for lunch. Was really good. I remember my first time having grilled ham and cheese. My mom brought me to this little diner when I was a kid and we had that exact same meal plus pink lemonade. I miss her.

Disney + is available in my country now, I subscribed and just started watching The Mandalorian. Love it so far!

Someone suggested a very inclusive dating app Taimi so I joined and I’m actually talking to people! Ahhh so nervous. But I’m trying! Don’t know what I want from it maybe just try to make some friends.

Good luck Cog. I tried dating sites when they were free... didn't meet very many guys or girls.. Oh well... forever alone xD lmao... hey I'm only 30.

Man Newt, I mentioned you like Animal on crossing on twitter, I'm sorry. I went through the stages of being high and that qualified as okay. i won't get high again. This high was hilarious at first but I'm having a big come down now.

I just finished that. It was pretty good. =)

I keep thinking about what the person said on the video chat. It's been like a year now. I think about it every day. Intrusive thoughts keep popping up. I usually have good self esteem but I think of myself now as worthless, lost, not a real person. Like a psychopath. Every time I try to think good of myself, no one understands and must inflict pain on me, judges me or looks down on me.

I'm not a real person. I'm an entity. I have no worth. I don't want to have worth anyways. I wish I was dead. Maybe I already am dead and I'm just floating through space, hallucinating everything possible. I'm a God and can do what ever I please - Except for pain and suffering which makes me conform.

People are a lot worse off than I am. People do great things with their minds - But what's the point for me? I need to take control but I have nothing to rely on - No solid foundation of convictions. The lid opened on my head and my brain fell out - Because of psychedelics.

The only thing that I fear is dp/dr. I'm way too aware. I wasn't like this before age 20 and I wish I was. I don't know what the point of my past was but I suppose I have to make something of it - Because I can do anything. Well, not really because I can't even do basic things cuz I'm too paralyzed and procrastinate. I don't do much and fatigue easily. I might as well be completely mentally disabled.

I don't know how to meditate. I have a million things on my mind that I can do but I'm frozen. I just need a break. I've managed not to do drugs for a while now and it's not any better.

Spent some time drawing and also a bit of coloring. Trying to get back in the habit of doing it daily.

Oh another grilled cheese memory. When my mom was in the hospital and really sick (she had cancer) and she came home she wanted me to make her one and I did and it was nice to see her eat, she really enjoyed it and was happy. she was so scary skinny and had zero appetite most of the time. I'll always remember that

I am so high and I feel like I'm going through the motions of feeling my felings flare on almost all at once, first positive and now negative like paranoia. I haven't felt this emotin in a very, very long time.

This is quite the experiment.

It's cold today so I put on body warmers. Got in my pj's. I'm done for the evening.

My mom said I don't sound well by the way I speak - It seems different.

I took Ashwagandha - Not sure what it does.

I don't want to waste time but I feel like I need to give myself a break so I'm gonna do that..

Wat? Ket? weed?

My mom asked if I'm OK again and I have a very depressive tone of voice when I speak. I told her that I feel depressed and she said that it's good that I told her.

I said that I keep thinking about what the video chat people said last year and she said "What did they say?" and I said "They said that I'm lost and need to find one thing to live and die for which is stupid" so she said "Well yeah everyone has a passion", I then said "I don't have any passion that I can articulate".. She said that "Medicine is it" and I "Have a lot of knowledge about it".. I suppose that's true.

I said to her that I want to go to school - But COVID so I can do courses online for now.. I just didn't know what to do..

I need to put more faith into myself and trust my own thoughts. A lot of my thoughts aren't even mine - They're intrusive and the opposite of what I think - Just really annoying thoughts that bug me and test me and stir up ****.

Weed, my roommate said it was an edible so it wouldn't be strong. I don't understand why she would say this.

that's a bold *** lie. Eddies can **** you up.

I take Zyprexa 10 mg for psychosis and stuff. It works very well.

From 6:30pm-7pm I'll be going back to "Understanding the Brain: The Neurobiology of Everyday Life" on Coursera.

I hope that I can focus. I took 30mg of CBD and another ashwagandha.

I'll listen to a podcast until then... Just starting slow and easy..

Just curious, if caffeine doesn't make you anxious, does it help you focus at all?

It definitely does in my case.

Philosophical drug..

It definitely helps get rid of morning brain fog for me

Marijuana always got me into trouble. Not saying it wasn't fun. I used to go into "comedian mode" with marijuana. Ha.

My first time when I was 18 was the only time that I liked it - Right after I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and released from the hospital. It made me laugh like crazy - I had a white out, kept forgetting things (Needed to write on my hand), saw 100 faces in the clouds - colours, thought loops, etc..

Now when I smoke it, it can allow me to doooo things.. Although it can make me paranoid or have a panic attack so I stay away for now.

well there's many different strains of weed. You just gotta experiment on what helps and what doesn't.

I was raised by control freaks

Lol if I knew what the strain was called of the first joint I puffed, I'd be a stoner for life