Roll Call 191

I'm just gonna call my dentist every day this week at 7am like they say to (except tuesday because I have a therapy appointment then) and try to get in one of these days. I wish they would just schedule appointments in advance for things like this like most normal dentists do. Everything like this has to be same day walk-in at this clinic. It's frustrating because they're always full even when I call right when they open. If I can't get anything this week then I'll walk there on Saturday at 6:40am, they open their doors for walk ins at 8:30 but people get there extremely early and you have to be some of the first people in order to actually get seen that day.

This is the last I'll post about the dentist and my tooth problems. I'm sorry, I'm just aggravated with them. I'll update once I have actually been seen

Yeah I've been on it for a brief period. I didn't like it, but if it works for you, more power to you!

I believe I'm doing better on less clonazepam. Yes!

I tried some edibles the other night. I know it's not technically sanctioned by doctors, but it was alright. I just ended up eating a ton.

I'm having a horrible panic attack right now, I feel on the verge of something, I don't know what but I feel very weird

I keep feeling like there's chemicals in my veins poisoning me, I'm freaking out

I'm holding a frozen washcloth until I calm down

I've been feeling twitchy all day, I need to sleep eventually but I'm not tired right now and I don't want my brain to explode

I'm sorry you're feeling that way.

Is there a different way you can distract your attention. Like a TV show or soothing podcast while holding the frozen washcloth?

Thank you, yes I am about to put on a podcast, having one playing makes me feel a little safer because it makes me feel like there are people with me and feel like I'm not completely alone. I think I'm gonna leave it on while I try to sleep later too because I'm afraid to go to sleep. I just had a snack, something with protein, just in case that affects anything at all, Idk, I'm just trying to do things to keep this from getting worse and to help myself calm down. I might play a game on my Nintendo Switch, that's pretty distracting

Yeah I like putting podcasts on too - it makes me feel less alone for sure.

I slept good, slept all through the night. I left a podcast playing all night and that helped. I played a game on my Nintendo Switch and laid under my weighted blanket which helped relax me. and kept the frozen washcloth on my neck to help ground me. I managed to get through it without taking my prn so that's good.

It's a rainy day today, I love rainy days.

Going grocery shopping later

Snowing here today….but it looks pretty light….

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

It’s rainy here today, around 60

We had that on Saturday….it was nice while it lasted.

It's too cold and rainy, I like it but from the inside. I don't want to wait for the bus in that. I'm just gonna do my grocery shopping tomorrow morning before my therapy appointment

I am regretting taking an edible last night. Yikes. Has a terrible effect on my mood.

Hey Blue_Bird I hope you were able to get ahold of your doctor to get some antibiotics or something for your tooth. HUGS kit

Still waiting on the insurance to approve the Lybalvi. And I'm going to get my hair cut and colored on Wednesday. My hairdresser will come to the house. She quit her job at the salon but she doesn't mind coming to the house. It's just so expensive to do my hair but I can get by with every three months so that's not bad. Oh and it's been two weeks since I SH-ed. And tomorrow T and I have a phone appointment.

I'll tell my therapist on wednesday that im struggling and don't know what to do

I'm not going to kms but bad things are gonna happen due to my actions

Some people are lucky. But life is a blessing and a curse mainly.

Everything is horribly confusing. I can't believe what happened.

I need something to make sense. But it's all, I feel, against me.

But it's ok.

What exactly is going on desoxyn? For sure talk to T but you can talk to us too…

The negative symptoms of schizophrenia/depression caused me so much pain and made me ignorant of life by proxy of not wanting to try - And people caused me pain because of that. They still do when I'm not on phenibut.

Now, after the trip, I'm interested in everything.. I thought it was good but I'm not sure if anyone has been through something like this - People tell me what to do - But I have to listen to myself. And what all I hear is static.

The noise is of nonsense. Once I get older, things will start to make sense. But I can't tolerate any more trauma or else my mind will shatter from severe anxiety and despair.

I'm not gonna really think about what I want to say - I'm in different moods (About 50 a week - And the faster the thought groups cycle, the bigger the number gets). The cycle is like a swirl, consuming everything while going in a straight line (Like the earth around the sun - Because the sun is moving in a direction). It's all new, never ending questions and answers (Maybe this is normal - But I certainly had a problem).

The way I reacted to life wasn't normal. Maybe I just need some sort of structure. I'm pulled in every single direction, stretching out. Idk. The Wellbutrin is the only change. I'm not sure if I'll stay on it.

But reality is extremely traumatizing to me - I think about what is really going on.. Most people do - But they'd rather be mindless, distracted. All I do is overthink and feel baseline, more pain than average. It was this way since forever.

I know these things might sound weird for me to say... But the deeper underlying issues are normal maybe. I can't articulate. My open mindedness could destroy me. Lol...

I see myself as something very different than what strangers think of me. Only people that are close to me, know that I'm not the way that I present.

I'm basically trying it all again - A new life.

I know that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be where I am right now. I want healing - at least some positive emotions and mostly, understanding.

That's why I need to see a therapist - But you guys can say anything to me that you want - It's all OK.

I was just saying to FR something about a new life, you have to see yourself as a new person, not the person you were before. That way you don’t judge yourself….almost like self stigma.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Yeah there's the whole, "start where you are" paradigm.

It basically means that you are whole as you are right now.

That doesn't mean you cannot make change. Quite the contrary.

I think the catalyst for change comes when you accept yourself.

Hopefully that's helpful.

I am trying to stick out Klonopin withdrawal and it is tough. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.