Roll Call 191

Wellbutrin gives me the most amazing sleeps at night;

"Most second-generation antidepressants can cause insomnia, and the rates are similar.7 However, sleep quality is a different matter, and here bupropion shines. Depression impairs sleep architecture in several ways. There is more REM latency (the patient enters REM too quickly), REM density, and less of the restorative slow-wave sleep. Bupropion reverses[7] those changes, while the SSRIs tend to make them worse."

"On the other hand, bupropion does stand out among the antidepressants as having a positive effect on energy.11 When patients are up and active during the day, they are likely to sleep better at night. To me, activity level is a much more important outcome in depression than the amount of time it takes to fall asleep, so I won’t shy from choosing bupropion in a patient with insomnia."

I am now going to see a different therapist. My therapist was acting like she was the boss or something. So annoying.

I went off medicine for a bit, going back on clozapine now though. Blood test tomorrow, pharmacy struggling with the new fda system. Should be able to get the med this weekend and maybe Monday. Anxious, paranoid, upset I was stupid and went off meds.

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HUGS falcon

Wellbutrin... It cuz down my nicotine gum usage by half - I thought it wouldn't.

I forgot about the news today.

I'm sorry you're going through that.

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I hope it all goes well and the lump is benign.

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It's good to see you again.

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I just bought Thomas Insels book…it wasn’t available in the library…..

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Oof news got me again

Just had my blood taken for the clozapine. Clinic is closed on the weekend, so best case scenario they send the labs to the fda Monday morning and I can pick the med up Monday night.

Lots of anxiety and worrying, like how the clinic staff aren’t used to clozapine so maybe they’ll see the lab and just put it in my chart instead of sending it to the fda. But nothing I can do about it, so just gonna try to not worry as best I can.

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I decided today to just not take anymore shots of rum. Then my mom brings a bottle of wine into her room. It's makes me so agitated.

I love rum. It's my fav alcoholic drink ingredient. I always had some around in case my teeth started hurting.

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Lol today is good..

I need to put more humour into my life.. It is when I live the most, in this absurd reality.

After I was agitated, I drank a shot of rum, took 400mg of phenibut and 0.25mg kpin. I spent 2 hours reading articles - Then took zopiclone and went to sleep. I don't advise.

The morning, I was tired.. But made it to work and then felt OK after drinking a coffee.

I just think of the spiritual consequences of drinking alcohol (Body eating spirit). But moderation is key... I will find my way to the Gods. It doesn't seem to make me apathetic anymore.

My dad will be visiting on Tuesday. He drinks quite a lot, along with my mom..

I'm just trying my best in this world. I didn't ask to be here... But with time (If I don't die from the vaccine or nuclear war), things should be OK.

It's a beautiful gift from the God. But it gets taken away..

Hmm.. The opposite of "mindlessness" is "mindfulness". I will look into it further.

Is everyone ok...

Until the power goes out. I want to celebrate. But I'm introverted.

I’m ok…we just went out…weather is great here today….

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I have to be sober and take all meds as prescribed.

But the schizophrenia messes with everything.. I know too much. My mind is naturally set to pain/dysphoria more than a regular person. Knowing about psychedelics, my atheism changing to panentheism, etc.. The deep state, propaganda, trauma and gaslighting from abuse/neglect in isolation, being sensitive to people lying to me/mistrust, no desire for intimate relationships, being freaked out by reality, hidden meanings, connectivity, coincidences, etc.

I'm not supposed to be in this reality - Although I could change that thought and make any destiny etc.

I'll think about recovering when I'm fully sober and on the right med.. My treatment team just never trusted me. Now they do - and I have people that will work with me instead of trying to control/have power over me. I hate people's egos, twitter, the ****ing arguing and meaninglessness, mindlessness. I can't take it. Every day really does feel like torture.

I don't feel good. I'm having a horrible panic attack tonight.

I'm also afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid as soon as I go to sleep I'll die

My goal is to meditate either tonight or tomorrow after work.

Just .. the fcking ADHD is BAD. Maybe stimulants are making it worse.

Meds;
Invega Trinza 525mg 12/w
Vyvanse 60mg
Dexedrine XR 15mg
Wellbutrin 150mg SR
Atenolol 2x 50mg
Olanzepine 10mg
Zopiclone 3.25mg
Clonazepam 0.25mg PRN
(Adjusting)

Vitamin D 1000iu
Fish oil 2x
Coffee in the morning
Evening CBD weed
Tea at night

Phenibut (Tapering down to take 500mg 2x a week)
Nicotine gum (Will quit after a few weeks on 300mg Wellbutrin)
Alcohol (STOPPED DRINKING)

Shroom (Rarely)
Alprazolam (Keep in case)

+ Other things.. that can be therapeutic.. nature.. therapy.. family/friends.. music.. hobbies.. learning.. socializing.. life changing events.. vacation.. eating healthy.. exercise.. regular comfort.. stepping outside comfort.. contributing to society/the world (Or not).. finding meaning.. questioning values/convictions.. pets.. self care.. feeling wide range of emotions/experiences.. sharing what is inside my head.. creating art/expressing self.. having fun.. overcoming challenges/solving problems.. general enjoyment of life.. being a person..

idk stuff like that..

This is a wake up..

But I still have to deal with the news.. and coworkers bothering me.. etc

It's ok, @Blue_Bird , everything's ok. Sending you love and hugs.

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Thank you Angelique!