Roll Call 191

I'm panicking again because I think my meds were poisoned. I need to just go the **** to sleep. Idk. I hate this.

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I took a gabapentin and it made my heart beat weird

I told my mom that I can't do things and what does that mean? She said that I struggle.

She wants me to see a therapist again. I said that my therapist ghosted me. She's going to look into it

It's too early to go to sleep only 9:30 I'm not tired enough yet. So I'm not sure what to do. I read for awhile. I'm listening to music now. Sometimes I'm starting to think my doctor is screwing with me and making adjustments to make me worse.

Somewhere in my head I know that she probably wouldn't do that because I've been seeing her for 6 years and she is nice. But sometimes it feels that way when I feel like I'm being poisoned. It just feels like someone is screwing with my head like it's a game sometimes.

I was doing good on the abilify injection. Maybe I just need to wait for this increase to start helping me get back to where I was

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I'm sorry I haven't been there for you all lately. I've been posting a lot about my struggles. I want to be a better friend to you all. I just feel overwhelmed right now by whatever's going on in my head.

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In addition to that some stuff in the news is giving me a lot of anxiety. So I think I'm gonna take a break from browsing the internet for a month or so. And just use Netflix to watch my shows. Avoid Facebook and everything else for awhile. I'll be back. Hopefully by then I'll be doing better. Focus on reading, Bible study, ukulele, and getting some kind of volunteer work. Just disconnect for awhile. I need it. My brain needs it.

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We will miss! I thought about doing that but I'd rather go insane instead of not know

Had the biopsy the other day. Should have the results in about two weeks.

They say if there’s no clear answer what the lump is then they’ll have to put me under and cut me open. In which case they’d end up taking the whole thing out.

So pretty much either way I’m going to get put under and cut open and the lump removed so I guess that’s a positive? Idk.

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Hugs and good luck

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20 years for me ! First put on them when I was 15

Well, I'm here, I'm just going to learn to deal with my anxiety about current world events and stop scrolling through news sites. That's my problem, not Facebook, or PsychCentral/MySupportForums, or anything like that. I have my Facebook feed filled with posts from cat groups so that's not stressing me out.

Anyway, I managed to walk to CVS today and pick up my meds. I was on the verge of panicking and feeling a bit paranoid but I managed to get there and back without a full blown panic attack. And in the end I felt better for having gone out. It's sunny today. It's cold though, we're getting 8-12 inches of snow throughout tonight and tomorrow.

I made some plans in my Microsoft to-do list/calendar to get me out of the house a bit next month. So I'm going to go to my friends house on one day. And on another day I'm going to walk to a local bookstore by myself, buy something, then stop at a place down the street to buy lunch/takeout for myself. They're supposed to have really good hotdogs so that's what I'm gonna get. Walking into a new place I've never been into to order food for myself is very difficult for me, so that will be good. I also will have to go grocery shopping a couple times (take the bus there), and walk to Family Dollar a few times to buy household essentials.

Good luck, hope everything turns out okay

I was researching APs and working memory….I feel like stopping my meds for a night to see if it helps my memory…something about decreased receptor expression. Either that or I need to reduce my meds to like five or two point five again….idk but I feel stupid.

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I weighed myself. I am 169.8 lbs. So I lost from being 172.6 lbs a few weeks ago. Not much. But enough to motivate me to stick with my changes.

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Is the fish oil not helping?

My short term memory is horrible on abilify. I feel like I have dementia on it. I will eat then 2 minutes later have no clue what I just ate.

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The real reality shattering is beginning for me.

I'm sure that life is a test. It has to be.

You can go to heaven, where every decision is a good one. But that's the same here. We accept the thing.

In my great mush wisdom, I have no idea what is happening.

Some people just have really really bad luck. It's terrible lol

I think I found something that should be an ADHD medication to help me called 3-fluoro-amphetamine. I'm not gonna use it but it's interesting to read about it. It's the reason that I think that practicing mindfulness and meditating etc will work over time.

"The euphoria is different. M*** is "incredibly fascinated in every thing, holy ****". However, it's literally like you are only interested in your own ideas, and you have a ton of them all the time. Since everything is exciting, how do you prioritize or plan and stick to it? It's also inherently hedonistic, in that same vein of "EVERYTHING IS FASCINATING". The underlying spirit of the euphoria is "you only live once, live in the moment while you can"... basically? It's like you are so invested in whatever is going on right then and there, it's really hard to think ahead and stick to it after you make that 5 page list, because it's all about the moment, right?

"3-FA feels more empathetic and caring. More loving, more social, more like "want to do the right things". So I'll cuddle my puppy more, text the gf a lot more, message my parents and talk to them more, get out of the house more, and so on. Due to the increased planning and organization, it also means that I can actually use that motivation to say, put the laundry away and start my homework. I don't just have ideas that I want to explore mentally or crave just experiencing life as a witness, I want do things... and I can."

"It's is so relaxing that it feels mentally and physically calming to me. I bet I'm still more stimulated than I feel internally, but I don't feel as like tense mentally as m***. So I'm not as paranoid, worrying, and thinking others think negatively of me... thus acting defensive towards others... thus making others respond negatively to me. So I was actually thinking about this, the people who like m*** for that mental speeding, probably wouldn't like 3-FA? Even though they both are such amazing releasers of Dopamine? But the people who like the sensual effects, calming sensation, alertness, focus, and awareness may love 3-FA. Who knows, but I really don't find 3-FA to be a "Ferrari" kind of drug."

This is very interesting to me. Cuz I never liked m***. That's why I stopped. I have definitely have changed my perspective about ADHD meds from reading this - because they don't actually do what they're supposed to do unlike 3-FA.

I will solve this problem. I'm not sure what mental disorders mean anymore. They are so vague.

"For me, my ADHD is solved by 3-FA or Dextroamphetamine. However, 3-FA is more calm and I love what kind of person I become on it. Dextroamphetamine is more anxious, but great verbal skills."

There's a whole world outside of my mind that is the opposite of my convictions and what I'm unaware of. A meteor could hit me. Planet X, WW3, etc.

This is to we must live right now.

I have anemia which could be causing some of my depression. Dr.'s office called me today and told me to take 325 mg of Iron twice a day. They didn't say if it should be with food or not but I will probably take it at breakfast and dinner so with food. Although I have heard that dairy reduces absorption of iron. I'm not sure. I gotta look that up. However, Dr.'s office has still not fixed the prescription for my BP. UGH.

It's my T's birthday today. I am trying to decide if it is weird I know this.

Yesterday I was supposed to have an appointment with T. She texted me about a half hour before saying she didn't feel well and needed to cancel. No big deal. She was upfront in the beginning about having health problems.

Today I texted her and said that I hoped she felt better and that I prescribed warm tea, fuzzy socks, warm sweater, good book, mystery movie, and snuggling with her dogs.

She got back to me and said that was a perfect prescription because today is her birthday. So of course I texted her back and wished her a happy birthday.

If this was a friend it wouldn't be weird. But everything is different through the therapy lens. It's like did she want me to wish her happy birthday, is that why she told me? The disclosure is nice sometimes I just don't know always what to do with it. I would have felt like a heel if I didn't wish her happy birthday. But like I have never known a T's birthdate before. I knew long term T's birth month and that she was a twin but that's about it. What if she expects me to remember next year? Ack!

Now we are having issues rescheduling the time. ::stressful::

Just gotta say, I love all you guys here!

It’s ok but I still have memory issues just not as bad

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I have to let go of the wheel and say I'm vulnerable and need help. I've been self medicating. I will tell the truth to everyone. I just hate being like how I was. I thought I could solve things myself - But this life is messed up. I will perish in the ashes of myself and then rise again.

HUGS Desoxyn!

Having chili tonight for dinner. Been cold here all day. Started out at 19 degrees (that's cold for Southern CA). I brought in all the plants with Dad's help so they wouldn't freeze overnight. Looking forward to the chili because I haven't had that in a while. Then I have group therapy/Aftercare. Of course I can't say that I SH-ed on Monday or they will kick me out of the program. I wish I could be honest with them and they let me stay but it doesn't work like that. Kind of sad. At least I am feeling a bit better since the relapse.