Roll Call 191

I know you're not using anything to get high, I just meant that's what keeps me motivated to not rely on it because I probably have a tendency towards substance abuse due to my genes and stupid things I've done in the past

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I wonder if the gym downtown is open (YMCA). If it is I might see about getting a membership. I know there's treadmills in my apartment building but I also like the gyms cycling machines. And it would get me out of the house more

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Nope it says they're temporarily closed. Oh well. I can stick with walking on the treadmill and outside for now and using my weights and resistance bands

I did love that gym though when I was taking college classes. Students got a free membership. I used to go pretty often, and I used to walk all around town all the time too, everyday. I was in much better shape then

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I just ran on the treadmill. Feel so much better. I think it's gonna help me get off the Klonopin (exercise is).

I'm gonna keep lowering the invega to 0mg if I can

25. Frontal lobe developed.

I've been on antipsychotics for almost 10 years.

I've been on them about the same amount. Well, a little longer. But yeah.

I am going to try to reduce my meds to the lowest possible amount.

And my pdoc says that antidepressants and antipsychotics "preserve" grey matter. I think that's wrong.

Also I feel like there's no other medical discipline other than psychiatry in which patients actively "refuse" treatment. Like what?

Do you think it's possible to lose weight with the changes I'm making while still staying on the abilify (that's the med that contributed to some of my weight gain), or am I wasting my time with something that won't work

You can lose weight on Abilify but it’s a constant battle…you will always be hungry especially at night. If you mess up and eat a holiday meal you’ll gain five pounds overnight….idk how but seriously I was losing weight then ate super bowl food….up five pounds. I don’t think the physical weight of the meal was more than a pound but still.

Yeah I guess I'll have to be super careful, and only have like an indulgent meal on really special occasions, holidays, and my birthday, then get straight back on track immediately after that. Then the rest of the time be really strict with myself. It sucks but I have to mostly give up a lot of the foods I like (especially desserts, those are my downfall) if I want to stay on this med because I also want to lose the weight. And I have to make exercising a regular part of my life.

I think I'll give these lifestyle changes 4 months, and if my weight doesn't go down at least 5 lbs or more in that time then I may consider changing to a different med.

I was really hungry last night but I managed to not snack after dinner, I just drank seltzer water instead

I hate that there's like little to no room for error. Because even with the lifestyle changes I'm gonna inevitably have a bad day someday in the future and want to treat myself a bit...

I didn't take my night meds last night (mirtazapine and olanzapine) and I feel fine this morning after just taking my morning meds. I think I am on too many meds.

I talked with my doctor, she increased my abilify. She said the reason I may be struggling is because when I got off the 400mg injection I was put on 10mg tablet, when the equivalent for the injection is actually 15-20mg

Here's to hoping I can get back to being stable without the paranoia and stuff and get a good 6 months at least of stability and no more med changes. I feel like that would be a huge accomplishment. I think if I have any leftover paranoia even after the increase then I will just work on it with CBT. I want to stay on my meds and take them consistently. I hope within the next six months I can volunteer, and then start looking at starting college again part time. I feel like a huge failure at 27

My doctor was happy when I told her I took the klonopin, she's always telling me to take it when I need it but I always don't take it, I don't think she'd prescribe it to me if she thought it'd be a problem though like taking it too much. I have good self control with that. So maybe I should utilize it when I really need it, which definitely isn't every day but every once in awhile I do have overwhelming anxiety/agitation and panic attacks that coping skills don't touch

I let her know I've also been struggling to leave the house because of anxiety and feeling like people around me are talking about me. I said I'm going to try to get a volunteer job and she was wondering how I'd deal with that if I'm struggling to get out, I said I'd just work on slowly getting over my fear and force myself out more till it doesn't bother me, or at least until I can ignore the feeling/thoughts.

Ugh this is going to be a long *** year with trying to eat healthier. I'm trying to stay self-disciplined, but my my patience is wearing thin just on day 2. Maybe it's just because I didn't sleep good. last night. I slept 5 hours total. I have some rice cakes I bought that are being delivered today. Plain lightly salted. Those are a lot healthier than chips and all that other stuff I guess. I want a cannoli, or flan, or tiramisu though.............

All I can think about is sugar sugar sugar.

The thing is I want to start baking, and getting better at making desserts. But I can't do that if I want to lose weight, I'll eat it all

I've been craving fresh baked bread. It smells heavenly and tastes amazing. I can't cook or bake here though.

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Omg, peanut butter and jelly on fresh homemade bread!

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Yikes, that was a poor idea. I did not fare so well today. Oh well. At least I know (again).

That sounds good, a long time ago my mom made bread in a bread machine and then I made homemade butter for it. Fresh warm bread with homemade butter is amazing

My sister is going to help me use her bread machine sometime this coming month, so we can make a fresh loaf of Italian herb bread

I'm not doing very well at my journalling. I'm all over the place. I don't know what is happening every day.

Oh that sounds so good!

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