Roll Call 192

Blue_Bird · Apr 30, 2022, 09:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Buying spree for me too!

Colored pencils, the latest Kate coloring book and a mini irises notebook.

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Awesome!

My niece's 17th birthday is next month, so I have two more things to order, a Starbucks gift card for her and this guitar gift set thing, it's a mug, a pen holder, and socks (she plays the bass guitar)

Sometimes psychotic · May 01, 2022, 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Awesome!

My niece's 17th birthday is next month, so I have two more things to order, a Starbucks gift card for her and this guitar gift set thing, it's a mug, a pen holder, and socks (she plays the bass guitar)

Cool and I have to say Starbucks is a go to gift for a little bit of luxury.

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Sometimes psychotic · May 01, 2022, 04:27 AM

4am and awake…not good.

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WastingAsparagus · May 01, 2022, 08:11 AM

I might move. I am currently extremely lonely where I live. I think I might move in with a friend of mine though.

And as you all probably know, social isolation isn't good... Especially for me. I like to feel engaged.

WastingAsparagus · May 01, 2022, 08:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Desoxyn

I took 0.25mg of clonazepam. I wonder if it will help. I tried Googling my symptoms but I'm not sure what to type. I feel mentally fragmented?

****..

I typed in "Mentally fragmented" just now;

"Mental fragmentation is a phrase used to describe the mental state of someone who has memories written into their brain from multiple sources over time, especially those who are heavy multitaskers. When multitasking, the brain does not store related memories in one place, but in small pieces. This causes performance and recall to suffer. One can easily see this when installing software while leaving other programs running, or downloading a bunch of images and storing them in different places all over the hard drive. The computer’s memory gets fragmented, much like a brain becomes fragmented. Mental hygiene becomes difficult, but important, in environments like these. Simultaneous time also causes social punctuation, as technosocial connectivity seeps into every part of social relations. In addition, memories written to the brain during these data binges are generally forgotten during REM sleep and not written to permanent or embodied memory. Conversely, one who spends physical time in the practice of study or experience of a subject will be more likely to write it into physical memory."

Sigh. This is not good. But at least I know the problem. It's what I feared I guess idk

Sometimes it's a relief to know what the problem is at least... I don't know if that's the case for you, but often, when I can figure out the cause of the problem, then I can take steps to remedy it.

Desoxyn · May 01, 2022, 08:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

Sometimes it's a relief to know what the problem is at least... I don't know if that's the case for you, but often, when I can figure out the cause of the problem, then I can take steps to remedy it.

No it's OK. I just need to find realms.

WastingAsparagus · May 01, 2022, 09:56 AM

I am looking for a full-time job again. Sick of being in my head so much.

Sometimes psychotic · May 01, 2022, 10:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WastingAsparagus

I am looking for a full-time job again. Sick of being in my head so much.

Maybe it’ll be ok with the olanzapine increase?

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WastingAsparagus · May 01, 2022, 02:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Maybe it’ll be ok with the olanzapine increase?

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I hope so.

I keep having this problem when I go out, I don't know if anyone else has this - but I dissociate a lot when I'm in public. It's like I can't be present.

Desoxyn · May 01, 2022, 03:56 PM

Edit: No nvm

I feel such low energy

Desoxyn · May 01, 2022, 04:45 PM

Took an extra stim

I can't let myself sink to apathetic

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. Idk what to say.

WastingAsparagus · May 01, 2022, 04:55 PM

Applied for a few jobs. I will see.

Desoxyn · May 01, 2022, 05:14 PM

I try I try I try

Desoxyn · 06:04 PM

Stim allows me to distract self from my own horrible existential thoughts and instead, other peoples thoughts/videos about parallel universes etc

I drive self nuts on purpose now mostly

I'm addicted to my devices. Before, there wasn't much out there (Unless I got the information from someone else - And that couldn't happen because I was INCREDIBLY isolated), now there is everything available..

But my brain has given up long ago. I was also thought of as lazy and needed to be kept busy, doing meaningless tasks such as sweeping, keeping me away from the little bit of growth that I could have obtained for myself.

Since a child, I gave up as well. Because things seemed really wrong with society. I decided to retreat into my head instead of being defiant or playing along with it - Fight, flight or freeze. I was freeze.

Edit: Fight (Defiant), flight (Running away from problems?), freeze (Wtf?) and then normal (Going along with it)* I was actually mostly flight after a certain point.

Many people... they go through this. If I wasn't so confused/disorganized, then..

Desoxyn · May 01, 2022, 06:29 PM

Feeling much better cuz of 300mg extra phenibut (On top of usual 750mg I take every morning).

Yes, JunkDNA... Lyrica (Pregabalin) has bad withdrawal.. But I might have to allow my psychiatrist to prescribe it.. Phenibut is also addictive - But I'm only dependent. I think 90% of my substance abuse disorder is gone now anyways.

I would try Prozac (Fluoxetine) again but I really can't be numb..

Why do I want to take Wellbutrin.. Norepinephrine - Do I need that? It helped with hypnotic-jerks before sleep (Until a week ago where it's happening again), caused me to chew less nicotine gum (But only for a few days), makes me less tired when I wake up (Which is the only positive), makes me pay less attention to my actions (And then I forget if whether I have done something or not). So I guess I'll discuss with him about stopping it.

You guys don't have to listen to my rambles - I'm just gonna say these things to my psychiatrist..

cogladaid · May 01, 2022, 06:35 PM

I’m just worried and frustrated. I’ve been weighing myself lately for health reasons and over the last week it’s dropped 5lbs because I just haven’t been eating much.

I can eat like two medium sized meals a day. No snacks. Sometimes I eat even less.

I’m watching a movie right now and I would love to have chips or popcorn or candy but I just feel bloated and so full so I couldn’t.

I’m worried what my doctor will say about my gallbladder tomorrow when he calls.

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WastingAsparagus · May 01, 2022, 06:36 PM

I think if I get a full-time job I might turn it down. The reason being that I want to finish my thesis. I feel more organized these days. Maybe a bit more motivated too. For example, I just did some thesis work. It was often hard in the past to separate what needed to get done. I.e., I would think "I need to do thesis work" at the same time as "I need to get a job." Those two are in conflict for me. I can't "give it my all" at a job at the same time as writing a thesis.

convalescence · May 01, 2022, 07:40 PM

I am realizing that my “psychosis” is likely a result of severe trauma that needs processed… Anybody else here deal with similar?

Blue_Bird · May 01, 2022, 08:18 PM

Have my headphones on and my music playing very loud. I’m trying to block out the fireworks. It’s like continuous non stop gunshots and booms outside it’s extremely loud and people won’t stop. It’s making me anxious and is probably scaring my cats

Sometimes psychotic · May 01, 2022, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

Have my headphones on and my music playing very loud. I’m trying to block out the fireworks. It’s like continuous non stop gunshots and booms outside it’s extremely loud and people won’t stop. It’s making me anxious and is probably scaring my cats

Why are there fireworks?

Blue_Bird · May 01, 2022, 08:21 PM

I take so many pictures of my cats that I almost ran out of storage on my phone. It wasn’t much storage to begin with. I have like 1,500 pictures and a lot of videos. So I subscribed to 50gb iCloud storage tonight so I don’t have to worry about space anymore.

Blue_Bird · May 01, 2022, 08:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sometimes psychotic

Why are there fireworks?

There’s literally no reason, idiots like to set off fireworks all summer almost every night here

Desoxyn · May 01, 2022, 09:41 PM

The person (Who was helping me with sui thoughts) that I was talking about yesterday (With Avoidant PD) opened up to me on Molly - He wrote like 20 pages lol - Crazy how much he reminds me of myself. We will be good friends!

Super smart, very genuine and strong emotionally, mentally and able to articulate the things that I've been too tired/hopeless to do.

It's surely some sign to balance out the darkness/nihilistic hell that I've been dealing with.

It's weird.. I wanted to use the chem again at a festival or something for some hope/understanding. And I just needed a contact high..

I still need to decompress and be alone from..

Mind disorganization.

I've learned this from my mom recently after I got extremely upset when my dad made her cry (Because he was so mean to her during the last visit) - And I realize.. Wow.. She is so emotionally strong. She's always naturally on the chem.. No joke.

I have to continue.. This part of the world/reality needs help. If I am to find any meaning, I have some sort of a brain.. I can try to help.

Desoxyn · May 01, 2022, 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by convalescence

I am realizing that my “psychosis” is likely a result of severe trauma that needs processed… Anybody else here deal with similar?

Yes.. Similar..

Here's;

If u like strange music

The goal is to heal. Remember that you are in a non-judgement, supportive place here =]

Desoxyn · May 02, 2022, 12:43 AM

My mind was going into a very strange place.. I liked it - Even though my mind felt like it was breaking.. then the olanzepine kicked in. I see psychiatrist tomorrow. I'll try and sleep. Sigh.

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