Roll Call 192

I hope you make it and that you get some good stuff!

My Church does our food distribution the last Saturday of the month so I will be working that tomorrow. People can come by the Church when the office is open to pick up a bag of groceries but a lot of people come to the end of month one. There is another Church kind of by us that does food and clothing. So we direct people there too.

An hour until it is time to go home from work! I have to practice my presentation for Sunday. I am presenting about the charity Compassion International at Church (both services!) and I am nervous. I hope that a lot of people will sponsor a child. I will feel bad if no one sponsors but I am not in control over that! I need to pick up some candy or something and put it on a bowl on the table that is going to be at the foyer so I can get people's attention to come talk to me about Compassion International.

Two of my sponsored children through Compassion International sent me letters today! They are twins, Derik and Yoni from Ethiopia! They are gorgeous little boys. They are eight so I guess not little but they feel little to me. They are growing big though. I got pictures attached to the letters, really nice ones. And both boys are getting so much more mature in their letter writing. They both told me they are happy and that made my heart glad. I had not heard from them for about nine months which is unusual but because of the conflict in Ethiopia the children centers were not able to operate normally. So I was so uplifted to receive their letters. They look really good, healthy. They didn't smile in their pictures but I find that to be common for the children who I sponsor. I think they are not used to having their picture taken.

Thanks! And that’s awesome that you do that!

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My hematoma on my neck is almost gone. That’s good. Left with a big scar where they removed my lump.

I apparently have sarcoidosis affecting my lymph nodes in my neck, my chest, and armpits. Removed the one lump in my neck. Chest and left armpit have disappeared but it’s still in my right armpit. CT scan in September to see how it’s going but doctor figures it should go away.

However, I have to admit I’ve been drinking more than I should for a while now. I got caught daydrinking and I’m off alcohol for now. Maybe I can drink moderately after a break, maybe I can’t.

But for months now I’ve had this thing I thought was nothing where I feel nauseated and sometimes vomit first thing in the morning. I thought it’s because I was hungry or something or meds. Also added in I feel bloated sometimes and my appetite has been less. I just thought because of stress.

But I feel less stressed and still. I spoke to my doctor and the other day ran some blood tests. I missed his call today but he left a message he’ll call me next week to talk because there were some abnormal results with my gallbladder.

Google tells me that alcohol shouldn’t have messed up my gallbladder but I worry I’ve ruined my health because of my stress drinking. I’m such an idiot.

And to top that I had to drop this one college class I was taking because I ran out of extensions and couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t focus on it.

I feel a mess, honestly.

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Booked plant tickets to my home country. It’s twice as the normal price due to world war 3, and it’s going to keep skyrocketing

I’m glad this person isn’t a psychiatrist….because they’re an idiot.

I think the most common gallbladder thing is stones which come from how you eat. I had a friend get them when she was in high school. It’s treatable. Regardless any medical stuff sucks and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this.

I wish I could just live on a beach for a year - Surfing, fishing, having fires, popping champagne, drinking coconut rum..

Maybe.. if I somehow make money online (Possibly if I stick with crypto...), I just need to make a little money to see if I can do it..

It would be cool to just be ON THE GO, all of the time.. Moving, flying, driving.. Good friends - But more introverted as well.. No night clubs.. Occasional raves and concerts are OK.

I couldn't make a blog.. cuz I feel like everything to be said is already out there. It's like being a musician. I tried writing poems/songs - And it doesn't really come natural to me (I thought it did - but nope). Writing self help blogs - Is about wisdom from people that were born with it or had much more life experience than me.

To be busy, enjoying things.. I need to be alone - Like when people come to the house to visit, I come out and talk and then go back to my computer back and forth. I need a safe place always or a home to go back to as well.

I'm not good at socializing or making connections.. I feel like I need to be more independent and grow into being outside of comfort and having my mom do everything for me. Slowly, I make my own appointments - But even hanging out with friends, my mom ruined that and tainted my mind as if they were f ups. It's like the psych ward - Some people just make a lot of mistakes.. A pattern.

I want to be free.

Sounds like the way I want to live, too. I mean, I was kind of like that when I lived in Argentina, kind of not though. But it's cool to be on the move. This may sound trite but I always thought just being a person is an art form. You don't necessarily have to write music or write stories or whatever to be an artist. Anyway, just insights I've had lately.

Also, the 15 mg olanzapine is helping me a lot. I was on the cusp of going back to 10 mg, but then I realized that the 15 mg helps a lot more.

Yknow.. I think I should ask for 15mg of olanzepine and lower the Invega Trinza more..

Cuz I feel like my mind is SCHISMing.. Into pieces again.

I made a new friend from Tripsit chat (Where people guide each others good/bad trips). He has similar interests to mine (Psychonaut-like) and wants to help me. It's good.

I want to stop this schism-mind thing. I will do it..

No.. I think it's dissociation or something

I took 0.25mg of clonazepam. I wonder if it will help. I tried Googling my symptoms but I'm not sure what to type. I feel mentally fragmented?

****..

I typed in "Mentally fragmented" just now;

"Mental fragmentation is a phrase used to describe the mental state of someone who has memories written into their brain from multiple sources over time, especially those who are heavy multitaskers. When multitasking, the brain does not store related memories in one place, but in small pieces. This causes performance and recall to suffer. One can easily see this when installing software while leaving other programs running, or downloading a bunch of images and storing them in different places all over the hard drive. The computer’s memory gets fragmented, much like a brain becomes fragmented. Mental hygiene becomes difficult, but important, in environments like these. Simultaneous time also causes social punctuation, as technosocial connectivity seeps into every part of social relations. In addition, memories written to the brain during these data binges are generally forgotten during REM sleep and not written to permanent or embodied memory. Conversely, one who spends physical time in the practice of study or experience of a subject will be more likely to write it into physical memory."

Sigh. This is not good. But at least I know the problem. It's what I feared I guess idk

The clonazepam at least helped with me freaking out about this.

The video chat person triggered me about this so I became stubborn and continued doing what I was doing - Knowing that this would happen.

Even though it was good advice, just the way he said it "Do one thing" and all of the other ****, I couldn't listen to that.

I think the cats will be happy with their new stuff

and this

I was busy/distracted on my laptop for about 30 minutes then I realized Maybelle and Mustachio were sitting a foot away from eachother just relaxed the entire time and not hissing or growling for the first time since Maybelle got here

I hope that’s progress

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My sister is bringing Maybelle’s litterbox over today. Right now they’re sharing one but that makes things difficult if I have to leave the house because I need to keep them separated and I can’t leave one without access to a litterbox while I’m gone. So this should make things easier having two

Feeling good 2day

My mom will be home from work soon. We might go on a small hike for exercise.

I took a shot of rum and realized that I REALLY can't immerse myself into activity - So I smoked a little bit of indica to help me do things.

I just have to be mindful about how bad feelings aren't the end, to look at the bigger picture - That things will always pass, as they are just waves, in the sea of life..

I got my Tapatalk password and finally I can post . Sorry I missed so much. I am glad for the medical stuff turning out to be ok.

Blue_Bird, congrats on your cats!

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Buying spree for me too!

Colored pencils, the latest Kate coloring book and a mini irises notebook.

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