Roll Call 192

I need to do something about my anxiety but don’t know what

I'm still going to fill out the job application and resume with my care manager Monday ,but I'm going to wait a couple weeks to submit it because I need to get these cats used to each other before I can leave them alone for any length of time and once I'm working I'll be gone a few days a week for at least 5 hours each day.

At the moment they hate each other, hissing, growling from Mustachio. so it's gonna take a few weeks, from what I'm reading that's typically the time it takes a cat to adjust to having a new cat in the house

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There's something terribly wrong with me. It's so disturbing. I'm getting worse.

I'd rather die than to go to the hospital.

I try so hard but no one gets me. None of my word are meaningful. I'm disconnected almost completely.

It's like I'm becoming someone, falling into a place that I'm resisting. It's like a sick twisted joke. My awareness isn't fully there. I'm not anyone.

I want to thrive. But I can't. It's all changed. I get knocked down, every time. Why am I still even alive?

My family would be devastated if I died. I'm tired. All I do on here is explain the same thing over and over again - And still, no one knows what I'm talking about.

I don't even want to post here but the mods won't delete my account. I only come back because I want support - But there's something wrong with me. I'm not worthy of support. I don't know who I am.

I also deactivated my FB. I pushed away all of my friends. People offer to talk to me but I don't initiate any conversation.

I don't remember anything. This life is horrible. If I died, everything would disappear. But I'm recognizing that this world will stay.

It's like I've never made any progress to avoid suicidal thoughts. It's the same. 10+ years and nothing has changed the way I feel. And when I feel happy, I do it in a ****ed up way. I mess everything up.

I feel like God wants me to kms. I am being chosen. Because the energy stretches out infinitely - I'll just disappear. By my heart stopping. The conspiracies attract me - And people are zombies. Everyone is dead.

My treatment team has to do something. Give me an opioid or something. It's too much. It's really bad. My delusions are killing me.

I’m sorry you’re struggling Desoxyn you’re appreciated here, I hope you know that, I hope things improve for you soon

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I’m so relieved, my Foodstamps came in, they started adding extra in the middle/end of each month due to the pandemic and whatnot. Anyway, I’m like completely out of food I thought I’d have to wait till my regular day they come in (the 2nd of each month) because I wasn’t sure if people were getting extra again this month. I feel stupid though, because they came in 2 days ago and I didn’t know, I should have checked, and I’ve just been struggling the end of this month and didn’t even realize I had $104 on my card now

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I'm sorry, we're here for you. Are you still taking the olanzapine?

Honestly desoxyn the hospital sucks but you may need it right now. They could try a med overhaul or rebalance you.

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Got some food in the house now, happy about that

I shut mustachio in my room when I left the house and left Maybelle out in the living room, well technically she's hiding in an open storage closet, she's probably shocked at the change having lived with my sister for most of her life then being in an entirely new environment suddenly with me who she sort of knows from when I would visit my sister but not fully enough to trust me completely yet, and dealing with another cat who's very territorial. She's used to other pets but she grew up around dogs, a huge yellow lab and a chihuahua

Yeah the hospital isn't necessarily a bad thing. When I've been in the past it has helped me and it was what I needed. Also it's brave to check yourself in. Just saying.

HUGS Desoxyn. I'm sorry you are feeling so badly. I'm sorry you are struggling so much. If I were with you right now I would hug you and hold you until you feel better. But I am hugging you in my heart.

I know the hospital sucks. But maybe it would help you. I know I hate being at the hospital but I actually think later on that it is a good thing.

Keep talking here. We are listening. We care about you and we love you. I would be very sad if you were to kill yourself.

I felt terrible this morning at work. I said to myself, "I'd rather have my leg sawed off than to feel this bad all of the time".

And then I started to feel better 1-2 hours later. Not sure if it's the microdose or phenibut. But I feel better.

I see my psychiatrist on Monday. I'm taking all of my meds.. I'll let him know.. Although I did before. I'm not sure what he can do.

The only problem with me is failing to hold on. I sink low, then back to normal - Again and again. It's tiring.

I thought about drinking alcohol but decided that I wouldn't today.

They always take away the stimulant when I'm in the hospital and try to control me.

I just need to pretend to be OK and not sabotage things or make people concerned.

That does suck about the stimulant. I get mine when I am in the hospital but they give it to me late. I usually take it at like 4 AM or 5 AM and then at the hospital I don't get it until like 8 AM or 9 AM. That' s frustrating.

I don't want you to have to pretend to be okay! I want you to feel okay! Can you try some meditation? Or distraction? Or a gratitude list? Have you been on a hike lately? Are you getting outdoors enough? Are you petting on your kitty cat?

You are so smart and so thoughtful of others, and kind and sensitive. I'm so sorry you are hurting so much, my friend.

Work is boring today. I need help with a task but no one can help me until next week. I'm trying not to worry about it because it is out of my control.

We did have Pizza today at work. I had cheese pizza. It was really good.

Thanks <3

Yes.. I do all of the healthy things.. Meditation last night (Failed cuz my mom interrupted me to watch Netflix together - It was about a mother losing her son with schizophrenia to suicide). I cried. Then told my mom what I've been dealing with.

My mom is so incredibly smart. Smarter than me. She has a law degree and was a nurse. The stories she tells are incredible (A little dramatic - But that's OK). She has an incredibly rare form of BPD (Histrionic Personality Disorder).

My dad is an asshole but my shaman. I don't get the complexity of the world from social media etc.. I should have not been ignorant and done so many research chemicals. But I've learned from it - Now I read, listen to podcasts - Do all of the healthy things..

The healthy things.. I went for a run yesterday as well... I had a cold shower. I can't keep track of these goals. I am certainly on the right path. Because of the psychedelic/near death experience. It took one night - More horror than every day experienced from psychosis/OCD intrusive thoughts.

I forget what I was gonna say...

"Schizophrenia" is an illusion - Like free will.. Or karma... Losing touch with legit reality is a paradox. Reality is a paradox. You can go either way. Solipsism, God, religion, spirituality..

I made a gratitude list.. 50 or so things.. I can't think of much more - Apart from lists that I find on the internet (Stuff that I never even realized and took for granted). My mind expanded too much that my skull opened up and brain fell out... I have to chill.. Pretending to be OK is all I can do - Because that is also an illusion! People can think/feel in any direction based on 1 second ago change.. It's all about perspective (That's why gratitude is a good thing...)..

We'll be going hiking next week. I just need to get through work this weekend and my psychiatrist appointment. My current psychiatrist is really good - He treats me like an equal. He knows that I know what I'm talking about and that I'm honest.. too honest.. But it works..

My cat is so empathetic.. She reads me and tilts her head like an alien.

Sounds like you are doing good things, Desoxyn, sometimes it takes our emotions a while to catch up to the good things we are doing for ourselves. I know because I've been having trouble with my emotions too but I am feeling more balanced this week, more at peace. I'm lucky because I have a really good friend to talk to everyday that listens to me. I've never met such a good listener.

I hope your psychiatry appointment will go well. I am dreading mine in June because I stopped two medications cold turkey and did not tell my pdoc. I guess I will have to tell him. Other than the catatonia that I had for three days I think everything was okay. I feel fine without them. Maybe just a little anxious.

50 things on your gratitude list! That's impressive! I can probably come up with like 10. More if I name people that I am thankful for.

I'm glad you are going hiking next week. You seem to enjoy it. Yeah, getting through work sucks. But we just keep on keeping on you know! And one day we make it through. We can't give up. We gotta stick together and keep up the good fight.

I love your cat, even though I have never met her. She sounds so freaking awesome! I love all the kitty cats. Amelia is chill, but skittish too. I have to catch her in the right moments so I can pet on her. Usually when she just wakes up is a good time because she is all chill from sleeping and she is all sweet and mellow and not freaked out. Helen is a little rascal. She likes to get her pets in though. Kitty cats are the best!

Yeah I kind of see what you are saying about schizophrenia being an illusion. I wonder about that myself. There are times when I feel really well and I think this is all some alternate reality and then the times when I am really messed up I think this must be some awful alternate reality. I don't know who I really am because of the schizoaffective disorder. Everything is fake or everything is really real. It's hard to tell. Listen to the voices, believe the visions, or disbelieve everything I hear and see.

I wish God would talk to me more. I'm trying to hear Him. I'm doing all the right things but He is distant from me right now. Still I keep believing and going to Church and praying.

I don't know what Solipsism is. I am really religious though. My upbringing was in the Church. If the doors were open, we were there. I am still in Church like three times a week.

Your Mom sounds really smart. My sister has a PhD. I just have a Master's. I don't think I am smart enough for a PhD. Plus I don't want more student loans. But maybe when I retire, I will go back to school and get a PhD in Medieval History or something freaking radically awesome like that. Who cares that it is impractical.

There's some good meditations online. But I like to just meditate on Scripture to be honest. It calms my soul. In Group therapy when Shelly was leading it we would do a mediation each time. That was cool but Ray isn't into it and we don't do meditations with him. Still we have music therapy and that is pretty awesome. Last night we wrote lyrics. Like writing a poem. She played Lofi music though which I'm not into and it was kind of annoying me.

Maybelle came out for awhile earlier today, here’s a pic. Now she’s hiding again

Maybelle is so beautiful, Blue_Bird. Just give her some time. She will adapt. Helen hid for like a week when we brought her home and Amelia twice as long. I'm sure she will get to know that you love her and will take good care of her. It is good that she came out for a little bit! How is Stash doing with the new addition?

Yeah she really is a beautiful cat Stash isn’t too happy but she’s dealing with it, she’s not growling like she was yesterday so that’s good, they’re just avoiding each other now. I’m still able to have stash out in the living room and play with her since she’s a kitten and needs to play a lot. But at night I take her into my room and shut the door for the night since she likes to sleep in my bed, and I leave Maybelle the rest of the apartment for her to explore and roam around throughout it the night if she wants to

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That sounds like a really good plan!

I’m gonna try to get myself to go to the clothing room thing a local church downtown has on the last Saturday of every month. I need clothes and buying new stuff is really expensive, there’s actually a surprisingly large amount of good stuff there. So I’m gonna walk down there tomorrow morning if I wake up on time for it

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