Roll Call 192

I literally went to family dollar with the main purpose of buying paper towels so I could break a $5 bill and get some change for the bus, and I didn’t do that , I bought food with my ebt card there but forgot to do what my main purpose there was

Went to the library too

I’m gonna walk across the street to the pizza place later and buy a slice of pizza for lunch so I can break the $5 bill and get some change since I forgot to do it at family dollar, and I’ll eat that for lunch.

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It seems like the company that wanted to hire me doesn't want to communicate with me since they ignored my email I guess. I could call them, but I don't really feel like it.

They can go to the 1% worst part of hell!!

I feel paranoid tonight but at least I know that what I'm feeling is paranoia.

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Mustachio won't wear her bowtie collar

Oh well, I'll try Maybelle's next when she's relaxed around me. She used to wear a collar when she lived with my sister but hadn't in quite some time so who knows how she'll react. If they both won't wear them then I'll donate them to an animal shelter.

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I'm walking back to Family Dollar tomorrow to buy paper towels to get change. Also getting on the treadmill for 45 minutes. Then doing some weight exercises and some squats w/ resistance bands.

Also need to vacuum the apartment and do some other cleaning The cats need a toy box, they have so many toys everywhere.



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Someone outside has their music in their car so loud I can feel it and it's shaking my windows

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Much sadness and difficulty lol

Can't sleep, haven't gotten to sleep yet. It's 2am. I don't think I'm going to be able to fall asleep because I didn't take my night meds and it's way too late to take them now, if I took them now I'd be asleep till like 2pm.

I've been thinking, I'm tempted to stop the abilify. So I can lose the 25 lbs I gained on it. I'm so hungry all the time.

I'll work on cutting out sugar first and see if my weight changes

Success! Mustachio is wearing her bow tie collar

I took the bell off it because it was distracting her too much

For me when this crops up I ask myself about all the benefits of the meds and the repercussions…yes I have some weight but I’m stable enough to have a job, goto school, have a bf who loves me despite the weight etc.

You’re thinking of working and going back to school…would you be stable enough without the Abilify?

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I'm not sure, I haven't had a period without APs in 4 years. I went maybe a year without them and did well but eventually ended up needing to go back on them
I decided to keep taking them for now. I mean I missed my night meds for one night (last night) and I've been up for 28 hours so that probably means I need to be on all my meds and take them consistently. I definitely want to work and go back to school. I know the last time I was in college I was on an AP, Invega sustenna and I was doing really well, going to all my classes in person, getting out, doing things, talking to people, despite the fact that I had gained some weight on it.

I'm probably the most stable I've been in 10 years now. I haven't been inpatient in 3 years, and I haven't ended up in the ER for psych reasons for over a year (the last time was from the whole I think my doctor is trying to kill me and my meds are poisoning me thing).

I used to end up IP all the time. 3 suicide attempts, manic episodes, severe psychosis. In comparison to that I'm doing really well

Waiting on the pizza place to open so I can get a slice of pizza and a piece of cheesecake for lunch. They open in 30 minutes

My apartment building is having a games day thing down in the community room from 3-6pm and I'm going to go to that

Mmmm cheescake and pizza!

Just had some, it was really good

I'm thinking these for the 4th of July when it comes up

I’ve been up since yesterday morning at 6am, it’s going on 1pm now.

I have to go to that thing in the community room later. It’s 3 hours long. I really don’t feel like it, I’d rather sleep, I can’t focus because I’m so tired and I keep seeing things out of the corner of my eyes that aren’t actually there. I don’t have to go, but I said I’d go so I’ll go, and it will be a good chance to leave the cats alone for a few hours and see how they do when I’m not here with them.

I’m looking forward to 6pm when I can come back up here and relax, take my night meds and go to sleep for hopefully a long time.

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So.. I wrote a friend a message last night about being an idiot for blocking our mutual friend (We hung out in the Summer of 2018) - I told him that he may not realize, but has helped me a lot etc..

I felt bad when I woke up, thinking about it. I took the 60mg Vyvanse + 25mg of Zoloft, went back to sleep -

And now I don't even feel embarrassed for reaching out or anything - But there's still the lingering LOGICAL THOUGHT, related to the feeling.

It feels similar to phenibut - but I definitely notice that there's an effect on such a low-first dose. It's not numb, but less information is entering my mind at once. It's like a filter.. I have to try really hard to pay attention to the feelings from music - Almost anhedonic.

I'll just take it day by day and see what it does.. It should take 2+ weeks to feel better... I'll stick with it. If I don't like it, I'll have to stop - Or at least stay on a lower dose. Because my psychiatrist wants me to take 25mg for a week, 50mg for the second week, 75mg for the third week and then start 100mg next month.

I know that I could get an unaware mania like with the 80mg of Prozac (Fluoxetine) - And I'll try my best to continue to improve myself, allow my brain to adapt to less/no suicidal thoughts - Like taking a break from the deep mental pain. Idk

Edit: Since the bad psychedelic trip, I've become extremely sensitive to chemicals, thoughts and feelings. I make much better decisions now and have good insight - But I notice the effects of things like even herbs and spices since then.

I'm debating just going to sleep. I don't know if I can cope with a loud room full of people for 3 hours right now, I'm already paranoid and hearing whispers as is. But I don't want to be like non-social, so idk.

Lack of sleep is the worst for paranoia, anxiety etc. If you don't feel up to it, it's perfectly OK to relax today and sleep for some time.

I haven't posted a picture of Helen in a while so I thought I would. Amelia is harder to get a picture of but I will try to soon.

Thanks yeah I think that's what I'm going to do, it's probably not a good idea to sit in a room full of loud people playing games for 3 hours while I'm anxious/paranoid, and absolutely exhausted, it's not like I'd enjoy any of it because of being so tired. It would just be a stressful 3 hours.

I'll go to whatever next event the building has

She's so cute!