Roll Call 192

Am sad today….thinking of mom and sister…

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I need to take a shower but Maybelle is laying in the shower right now so I’ll wait till later.

Playing Stardew Valley on my Xbox

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((Hugs)) SP I can't imagine.. The longer that time passes, the more understanding there is, but still painful

I take 2-3 benzo a month. I don't like them anymore unless for panic cuz they make me tired. I'd rather be a little agitated than tired.

I used to complain a lot here about how sedated/tired I always was on AP's... But Vyvanse seems to have cured that + I barely lie down in the evening (I used to do that every-single-evening) so I complained about that too until I was put on Dexedrine too. 10 year tolerance to the antipsychotics also has helped.

The heart palps before sleeping are gone again - Even on the Zoloft. So I guess it could be in my head (About how serotonergic drugs effect my heart) - But i should do another EKG.

It took a loong time of trial and error with meds + I was screwing it up with the internet drugs.

My mood is still OK.

Dinner was salad, a baked sweet potato, and sliced turkey breast

If I wasn't on olanzepine, I'd definitely have a panic attack right now with all of the **** that I'm thinking about.

I don't even know where to begin. I need rum.

I have to try and laugh about it all.. I have no idea what I'm doing - Yet so hard on myself. It's a bad combination. These two things should never be together.

I need Klonopin again. I can barely function without it.

I had a job interview on Friday and it was like I was visibly anxious. I have also been crying a lot which is not characteristic of me really. And I've been extremely forgetful. Like sometimes I'll forget totally what I'm doing.

It may take some time to adjust but remember you wanted to be off it. Anxiety at a job interview is normal.

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Ugh it's so annoying though. You're right though.

I also called the on-call psychiatrist last night to try to get some Klonopin.

Luckily that person was not available.

I guess I just don't feel ready for this trip I am taking on Thursday. That is stressing me out.

I'm looking up cases of astral projection. I don't know much about it. But I need to know...

Not sure I know what that is. Something to do with stars?

Astral projection | Live Science

Ah I actually know something about it then. Cause I remember doing this one course thing on meditation and it explained some about it.

I can't stand the news.. the information, the lack of information growing up, avoiding every damn thing.. I didn't try.

Now I will try - But it's too much. lol..

(I'm sober btw but I have so many questions)

Also the coworker was bothering me again..

No.. I just need to chill. It's ok.

I literally took a home Covid test earlier hoping it would be positive. Ugh, I don't think I should go on this trip.

Ate healthy today. But realistic. I’ve been following some people on YouTube that have a healthy lifestyle but at the same time eat realistically like a real person, having stuff considered junk food now and then but the majority of what they eat is healthy and it’s a lot it’s not a tiny amount of food, it’s normal amounts of food that real people eat. They just sometimes make room for treats and fun stuff now and then. I think they’re good role models and I think it’s a better way to live mindfully than being super strict 100% of the time and also not eating enough. Sorry that was kind of me rambling but essentially I think I can a have balanced diet.

Last night I had French fries.

Today I had plain oatmeal w/ almond milk and a banana cut up in it, an English muffin and berry cheerios, a salad, a baked sweet potato, and sliced turkey breasts, applesauce, and an iced matcha latte

Tomorrow I’m eating mostly healthy again but am having some onion rings for dinner along with some vegetables

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My family is connecting more

I feel inadequate.

I guess also some of the motive for taking the home Covid test was "am I sick?" because I didn't want to travel when I'm sick and I have a bit of a cold though. So I am glad I don't have Covid. Anyway, my mind plays tricks on me sometimes.

I don't notice the prozac, I don't think it helps at all.

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Oh no. The good side is that you're in a low risk group. Get better soon!!

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Schizophrenia is the highest risk group next to age….

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Spent some time sitting outside, might go outside again later, it's nice out. I would sit out more but I'm still working on my social anxiety which is really bad and there are neighbors outside and I get worried that they're whispering about me

The weather is so weird right now. It is in the 60's today and will be in the 90's by Saturday. 30 degrees difference! It is going to set off my fibromyalgia because of the temperature differences!!